[voicelikeagutter]

I don’t remember what it feels like to match your rhythm as we walk hand in hand. Your grasp has fallen from my fingers.

[dirtylittlestylewhoree]

[voicelikeagutter]

[voicelikeagutter]

in broken mirrors I see the parts of myself I’ve neglected reflecting back at me, painfully so, and I’m not sure if I should stand and witness this, or clear up the debris and hope no one notices.

[voicelikeagutter]

for the artistic, a life without creation is a dark and quiet death of soul.

[skogrn]

[aquaticsparkles]

[voicelikeagutter]

[amiete]

[voicelikeagutter]

a voice gone numb, a locked jaw with poison running through the bones, tongue feels 3 sizes to large, spit thick like glue.

[voicelikeagutter]

i hoped with everything in me that the wind storm would blow away the cobwebs of silence that seemed to have gathered like black clouds off on the horizon instead the winds blew dirt into our eyes that needed to be washed away and dust just settled on different shelves storms pass, they always do.

[rain-tea-coffee]

[voicelikeagutter]

Shot #9 I've been on testosterone for 8 weeks now, and mostly I'm noticing social changes the last week or two. More people are reaching out, asking to clarify pronouns or get more information, more people are reaching out sharing their experiences, more people have faded away. This week I've changed my dose (after my doctor suggested and slightly, gently, tenderly, encouraged it) from .25 to .30ml/week. The dose increase feels good, now that I've had two solid months on testosterone and have allowed my body and mind to slowly adjust. Today I stuck myself in the leg, instead of my belly, and it was easier (not as physically awkward somehow) but bleed a bit more. Changes have been slow and steady. It was neat to see my blood levels, from where I started to my 5th week. It seemed like such a large jump! Now that I've adjusted my dose, in 5 weeks I'll go for another blood draw. Still banking on that surge of energy. Alas, I'm a sleepy human lately it seems.

[voicelikeagutter]

Shot #7. This shot was given to me by my partner, who is a nurse. It was nice to just chill out and let her do it. I bruised less with her skilled hands. I've been on T for 6.5 weeks now, and got my first monthly blood draw. My starting level for testosterone was 1.5 nmol/L , with the normal range for women is under 1.8 nmol/L After 5 weeks, my level has raised to 7.9! The typical range for males in my age group is about 25 nmol/L. That is a huge jump! I guess I didn't expect to see such a quick increase when I'm on such a low dose (.25ml weekly). Changes are slow and steady. My voice I think is lower most of the time now, but has a good range and can go higher, and often does when I'm excited (which is cute, but annoying). It hasn't really cracked or anything. Just a bit deeper all the time. My skin is no where near as broken out as I thought/feared it would be. Maybe it's even a bit LESS acne prone than normal. Clit has dramatically increased in size! Sex drive is probably the same, high as usual. I don't think it's changed that much. Orgasms are intense! No facial hair thank goodness. Some more pubes which is fine, and fun. My pubic hair looks darker and thicker. Energy is still low. I was hoping for the other side effect here. I woke up in the middle of the night and my face felt different. My chin and cheeks felt thinner. Like the fat re-distribution has started, and I've thinned out some in the face. My partner said she was thinking the same last night looking at me, but says it's hard to say since she sees me every day and it's a slow change. No muscle gains because I haven't worked out at all. I really can't with my arms still. I've been lazy lately, but hope soon with the weather getting better. I'm curious about my weight. My waist looks different to me somehow but it might be in my head. Emotionally, I am calm and happy. Feel more chilled out. No T rage. No ravenous appetite (sometimes but that was typical of me regardless). I'm on cycle day 26 and do feel some mild tension in my uterus, but no swollen chest yet. I got my period last cycle on day 28. I wonder what will happen.

[tamper]

[voicelikeagutter]

Shot #6. I'm getting faster and more confident at injecting myself. I still seem to stab myself a bit too slowly, I'm aware of that, but struggle to go faster (even though that would hurt less). It's still such a strange thing to inject into yourself. Also, injecting T is damn slow, just go in already! Week 5 was lovely. My voice seems to be ever so slightly lower, more often, I'm starting to wonder more if people will notice. I've had a few thoughts about how I'll know I'm done with testosterone, since this isn't a forever thing for me, will it be an obvious "okay that is enough" or will I struggle to know when to stop. Appetite is about the same as always, but I find when I have to eat, I have to eat NOW. Sex drive is about the same, but my orgasms feel different, my clit feels different. It takes me longer to come sometimes (probably in my head a bit more) and other times it's within minutes and I'm done. I'm exhausted a lot lately, but perhaps it's the weather and my lack of physical activity. I feel sleepy and almost need a nap everyday. Emotionally I still feel very calm and happy. I find I have less ups and downs, I'm more stable. Honestly, I don't feel much at all has changed and I'm getting a bit anxiously excited for when sometimes does actually change and how that will feel. I haven't told many people yet, and it's weighing on me. Every week I think, maybe this is the week I make it public, and then I don't. I don't care what people think, really, I'm just nervous I'll be treated differently? I'm not even sure. Tomorrow I get my blood drawn to see where my blood levels are at, I'm curious to see the blood values! I'm excited to see what week 6 brings, I feel like I'm on the cusp of things happening. Or not. But each week feels a bit more fresh, and exciting.

[voicelikeagutter]

One more season, and then I'm gone.