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@voicesinmysilentmind
J! May tumblr ka pala. Miss you. Haha
Yessss. Hello! :)
Hello, loves.
Yes, this is Joycei.
And yes, it has been a long time.
Again, this isn't an update for any of my unfinished stories, but an update on my journey as I try to get back on track again. I want all of you to know that I miss the way we share a sweet time of you reading my words and me, reading your feedbacks. I always miss the passion that I had for writing. But as you all know, I have been suffering from a writer's block for almost two years now. Maybe some people would say that this writer's block is only a 'kaartehan' or 'katamaran'. But dear, let me tell you how real it is.
Have you ever experienced trying and trying to find for something but you have no idea how you lost it? It's the same feeling. I have tried a lot of times to write again, but I kept on deleting and rewriting every letter until I got tired of it. At first, I have lost the eagerness to write, since I have been very busy. But when I found time for it again, my disappointment for myself grew even deeper when I felt that my writing is not the same anymore. The creativity is gone and the style has changed. Little did I know, I have lost it, the passion is already gone.
A special person came into my life and I started writing poems, again. Every piece that I made for him, is a treasure for me because behind every word lies the truth of how I feel so blessed to have him, and lies the hope that it may be the start of my writing journey again. And now, I finally took a big step forward of my journey in life. The exhaustion is real, to the point that for every morning that God has given me, I pray for Him to end it. Because, I do not love what I am doing. I am not happy of what I do, and of what I have become. I do have regrets that I wish I took a different major, or followed a different path.
A friend of mine urges me to do something beside work, what he meant was for me to continue writing. And I badly want to. I started re-reading my unfinished works and tried to continue it but dear, I still can't.
Loves, this letter is to let you know that I appreciate all of your messages, asking for an update, because it shows how much you appreciate my works. And this letter is to inform you that this is me, trying to do what I used to do, and trying to love what I used to love. Let's wait patiently for that time to finally come again.
Sincerely yours,
Joycei.
ps. posting it here because i don’t know if i should post it on my main platform or better keep it here
There is no friend as loyal as a book.
A
I will not do the same mistakes again.
I will not give the privilege to anyone.
I will not hurt anyone and pretend I didn’t.
The history will stay history.
No more pretense
This is the only promise I can give you, for now.
. . .
I lied to you the first time we met. I admitted that but I still kept on lying. When’s the time for you to realize that it is impossible for me to fall?
Why KathNiel?
Why not KN?
My Top 15 Books/Series
(As of January 16, 2016) 1. The Infernal Devices 2. Legend Series 3. Allegiant (Divergent #3) 4. The Fault In Our Stars 5. The Notebook/ Mockingjay (The Hunger Games #3) 6. The Iron Fey Series 7. Pride and Prejudice 8. The Book Thief 9. The Mortal Instruments (First 3 books) 10. Shatter Me Series/ Every Day 11. Eleanor and Park/Tuesdays With Morrie 12. Little Women 13. Looking For Alaska/ To All The Boys I've Loved Before 14. Leaving Time 15. Ugly Love
"You're too cold for my liking."
Over thinking
Do you ever find yourself in the cycle of creating intrusive and obsessive thoughts that keep you awake at night? Trying to reach a certain resolution but eventually got nothing due to your lack of concentration? Definitely, that’s what we call over-thinking. What causes someone to overthink? Stress is absolutely the number one reason. Some people don't know how to handle stressful situations, they try to think of something to solve their problems but eventually they end up making the problem worse. Obsessive thinking is dangerous; it is our enemy that slowly kills us by destroying our thoughts and moving us away from the happiness that optimism can give. It makes us worry about the things around us and confused about the feelings of others and even our own. The worst thing about over thinking is, sometimes, it becomes the root of the problem. Instead of focusing ourselves in the future, we tend to think about the past and then visualize the endless ‘what ifs”. Remember that, by over-thinking the problems of yesterday, a new problem may occur.
Granddaughter's Love
(Not edited) Granddaughter’s Love -- “Grandpa! Look! I have something for you!” My little girl hurriedly ran towards my direction and hugged me tightly. “Oh, darling. What is it?” I asked her. The little girl brought out a paper and gave it to me. “Here, my teacher asked me to make a poem and I decided to dedicate it to you, grandpa," she said sweetly. I didn’t know what to feel. I was really lucky to have my one and only grandchild. I was about to read the poem silently when my grandchild interrupted me. “Grandpa, can you read it out loud for me?” she requested. “Granddaughter’s Love My grandfather is a great man He always makes things right He watches the sun And fly and play with my kite I love my grandfather I can’t live without him even just for a day I prefer to look at him sitting there And to listen on what he says” As I read the poem, my little girl kept on staring at me until we had reached the end. “Sorry if I wasn’t able to finish it, grandpa, our teacher asked the class to submit it already, whether we are finish or not," she explained and I tapped her little head. “Oh, Angel.” I used to call her by that name even though her name, Erin, is far from the name, Angel. But she's just so cute that I could compare her to an angel. “I understand and truly appreciate it; even you’re only a kid, I already admire you." I held her little hands and guided her to the dining table. “But…grandpa, I promise I will finish that for you. Let’s eat!” This is what I love the most; she has the attitude of being contented on what she has. She understood that I couldn't give her the same way of living like the other kids are used to. ** “Grandpa!!!” She excites me already just by calling me in that energetic way. Like what she used to do after her school, she would run and hug me...tightly. “Angel…How’s school?” I know that she was already in Secondary level but I couldn't avoid asking that same question every now and then. And I love the way she finds it sweet. “I know you’ll ask me that! You know what, grandpa, I slept while I was in class for the first time," she told me while she was laughing. I couldn't help but to laugh, too. “Really? That’s amazing, Angel. Are you that tired for you to sleep at school? How are you feeling?” I put the back of my palm on her forehead, just checking if she was ill. “Naaah. I am fine, grandpa. I just read a lot and got sleepy at the same time.” Then she kissed me on my cheeks, “Don’t be worried, Grandpa. I am not sick…I think we should start packing our products now to bring them at the market, early tomorrow.” We got a little space at the market where we sell our vegetables that we planted at our backyard. She always helped me when she was free, usually before she goes to school. For a fourth year student, I admire her because she could manage her time at home and at school. She would be in college this year, so I needed to double my time and efforts to save money so she would be able to continue her studies in College. Everyone expected that she would be the valedictorian and so she was. If ever she would be granted a full scholarship for her chosen course and when I asked her about her chosen course, she answered me… “I want to be a doctor, so when you get ill I will be the one who will take in charge of your health.” Seventy-six was old enough, but believe me when I say I haven't experienced yet any serious illnesses, that’s because of my dedication. I know I’m weak but I need to be strong for my granddaughter. Especially when this day came… ** It was midnight when I entered my granddaughter’s room. I went to wake her up and help her to take her vitamins. I missed my Angel so much, she was still beside me but I could feel that she wasn’t. Summer season, after her graduation, after her long speech which she dedicated to me, after our little celebration…she became ill. I hate seeing her like that, her nose bleeds and also her gums, she can’t eat or even drink. I would rather want to see myself experiencing that than to see her suffering like that. It was already a month after her graduation when I found out that she has this disease. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she only said that… ”I don’t know what my illness is but I can feel that there is something wrong inside me, but I ignored it. I am so sorry, grandpa.” She had an incurable Leukemia, a cancer in blood. The doctor said that there are no cures discovered for this kind of illness. Erin’s parents…they died seventeen years ago. Erin was still a baby that time. Her parents saved us (together with the baby Erin) when our house was burning. But before they died because of saving us, I promised to my daughter (Erin’s mother) that I will take good care of their baby. -- “Grandpa, can I ask a favor from you?” We were at the hospital that time, the doctor demanded that the patient was in need to stay at the hospital. I held her hands and smiled at her. “Name it, Angel.” She spoke and moved weakly and slowly, and it hurt me everytime I see my only grandchild suffering like that. “Please, don’t spend too much money for my illness,” she started crying while looking at me, “Grandpa, please don’t spend your savings for me. I know we should be spending that for my studies, but I think it’s impossible this time.” She held my hand tightly even it was obviously difficult on her part, “You’ve been taking care of me when I was a baby until now…and I am so thankful for that. I studied hard so I can be a doctor someday…and that I will able to take care of you too. But forgive me, grandpa if I will not achieve it. We all know that my illness has no cure so please…just save your money to spend it when you’re sick…when you need it.” Hearing those words from your grandchild breaks my heart. I love my granddaughter even though…. I do not have the strength to work and earn money to bring her in a private school. I only plant some vegetables and fruits at our backyard and sell them to earn a little for her. I am not a perfect grandfather who can give whatever his grandchild wants. But I am the grandfather who is willing to protect and sacrifice everything for his granddaughter. I am willing to sacrifice myself so she can live but it was impossible. She doesn’t deserve it, I know. I live for more than eighty years now and she’s only seventeen years old. I have already experience so many in my life but she hasn’t yet. She has dreams but now she won't be able to reach it. I must be the one who is lying on that white bed, with those wires connected to a machine just to prolong the life of the patient. She reached for a piece of paper and gave it to me. “Grandpa, can you read it out oud for me?” I remember the same words that she said when she made a poem for me. I started crying… When I realized that this is the continuation of the poem she made for me…. “Please...don’t cry, grandpa. I won’t leave you just because I am already tired…but I will leave you because I have to. Please promise me to take care of yourself, I will guide and guard you. I love you, grandpa!” Then she kissed my cheeks, “While I’m giving my last will testaments to God, please start reading the poem, grandpa…” So I started reading the poem she made while she’s silently crying and slowly closing her eyes… “Granddaughter’s Love My grandfather is a great man He always make things right He watches the sun And fly and play on my kite I love my grandfather I can’t live without him even just for a day I prefer to look at him sitting there And to listen on what he says I caught her one night While I was sleeping at my bed He entered my room and turned off the light ‘Good night’ are the words he said I’m showing him my love when I sing That love is bigger compare to the world I want to thank him for everything And to filled his heart with love that wouldn’t be cold” After I read the poem, I turned to my angel and gave her my last hug. I hugged him like what I used to do when she was running to me after school. I hugged her tightly but this time, not to welcome her but to say good bye. Erin has passed away. My angel. I have nothing but I have the greatest value of a thing in this world, I have my angel’s love….my Granddaughter’s Love. -end- [12/03/12] --- Author's Note: I made this for my Grandfather. I miss you so much 'Lo! Your granddaughter will love you forever. Thank you for everthing!
Diary of Truth
This is a work of fiction. The characters, organizations and events portrayed in this story are only products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to an actual incident is purely coincidental. “Diary if Truth”
What’s the truth inside her diary?
It was raining that night. I was awakened by the cry of my father. Because of that, I hurried out of my room to see what was happening. I am about to take a step when I saw my dad at the living room, he’s lying on the floor, bloody and unconscious. I also noticed a knife at his chest. I was left dumbfounded on what I just saw. I also noticed that at my dad’s side, my mom was sitting next to him, looking so shocked.
“Oh God! I..I’m s-sorry.” My mother exclaimed nervously and then she pulled off the knife at the bosom of my father. I wanted to run to help my father but I just can’t move. Apparently, I am stoned in my position. I can’t move even a little. What else do you expect from a little girl who just saw her dad stabbed by her mom? My mother is evil!
I stood long enough to watch my mother’s reaction. You can see the horror on her face because of what she did. She accidentally dropped the knife that she had used to stab my father. She wasn’t crying, she just kept on looking at her hands covered with blood… the blood of my father. It’s hard and painful to witness such scene. All this time, I thought we were a happy family, but I was wrong. I never knew something like this would happen. I loved them so much. Was it wrong to love my mother? Why did she do that to my father, to her husband?
I saw her pick up the knife that she dropped earlier. She held it tightly as she stood up. And because of my extreme fear, I ran back to my room without making any noise. I was afraid she would kill me as well for knowing the truth. When I got back to my room, I hid myself inside the cabinet. And there I fell asleep.
I WOKE up, and found myself lying on my bed. I sighed while thinking about my dream… but it was like a nightmare to me. It happened twelve years ago. I was only eight years old when my mother killed my father. I can’t forgive her for what she did. I love them both, I really do. So it really gave me great pain seeing my father being stabbed by my mother.
I can still remember everything, including every move that was made during that night. And since then, the same scene always appears in my dreams. I got up and sat on my bed headrest, recalling every little detail of that bad memory….
THE night has passed. The next morning, I found myself awaken by the loud voices of my two cousins. At first I was confused, thinking what they are doing here. But as soon as I remembered about my father and what really happened last night, I quickly ran outside my room and found myself in front of a white elongated box, surrounded by flowers. I’m still in my night suit that moment. I went closer to it and then I found my father lying inside that same box. Even at a young age of eight, I already knew what’s really happening. My father is gone. He’s dead because of my mother. My mom killed him. Sadness filled my heart and I cried as I hugged his coffin. It’s hard for me to lose my father. It’s really painful to be left without him. I’m still young and I need him. I want him to be the one to lift me up if I stumble or fall. I want to make him feel proud with my achievements. I want him to be there if I ask him about love. I want him to be there and give me my first ride when I go to the university I chose for college. I still want to do a lot of things with him. But now it’s impossible… there are things you cannot get back once it is gone. It’s all over. I guess this is the end…
“Dear, hush now. I’m here…” I felt the embrace of my mother, but I didn’t dare looked back at her. I don’t know what to feel… I hate her for killing my dad. I just looked at my father through the glass of his coffin. ‘I will give justice to you, Dad.’ I murmured.
My mom should pay for this. No matter how painful this would also mean to me, she should be in prison. And it hurts that I cannot talk to anyone about this matter, anything about my father’s death. That every time someone tries to talk with me, I’d choose to walk away and ignore their stories. I don’t know how my mom got away with it, and who paid for the crime that she did. But there’s one thing I’m sure of… she’s the real killer.
I studied hard in school, and I won a lot of friends. And after all what happened, I’m still talking with my mom. But it’s never my plan to get too close to her. I’m not yet ready to put my trust on her again. I have my plans and I’m not yet done with her. I studied Criminology because I want to investigate about my father’s death. I want to know the reason why my mom killed him. I want to be the one who will put her in jail. I maybe the worst daughter for doing such a thing, but I just wanted to give justice on my father’s death. I love my mom, I really do, but she has to pay for the crime that she did. She should be in prison and I’ll be the one to take her there. It’s hard but I need to do this for my dad.
I was about to leave when my mom called me, “You should eat first before you go to school.”
“Thanks but no. I don’t want to be late in school.” I lied. The truth is my class isn’t this early today.
“Oh well then, wait here. This won’t take long.” I failed to reply anything since she quickly moved to the kitchen and prepared a lunchbox for me. When she got back, “I cooked this for you, baby.” She gave me the lunchbox. “Take care.” She was also about to kiss me goodbye but I jerked away. I won’t let a murderer kiss me. “Thanks.” I hastily said and moved away as fast as I could. I rode my car, the one that my grandmother gave me. And on my way I saw a beggar on the street and I thought of giving him the food that my mom made for me. I won’t eat the food cooked by a murderer.
"DOC, please do everything to cure my mother.” I plead to the doctor. My mother was rushed at the hospital. “We’re doing our best to remove those tumors in her brain. But do not expect much, we’re still not sure what will happen in future.” The doctor answered.
My mom has a tumor in brain. The doctor said that she had that disease two years ago but she managed to keep it from us. I’m so worried, she’s still my mother and I love her. But the main reason why I wanted her to be cured is because I still have to send her in jail and she cannot die yet. She must repent or else my studies will go on waste. If something wrong happens to her, there will be no justice for my father’s death, and I will not let that to happen. She needs to suffer; I want her to suffer the same way that my father, her husband, suffered too.
"Doc, the patient needs an operation as soon as possible.” Added by the other doctor. I can’t help but to be nervous at this moment. What if the operation fails? No, my mother needs to be cured!!! I still need her.
“Miss, we will do everything. But we will not leave any promises.” The doctor told me then they entered the Emergency room.
I waited for five hours, as the doctor went out of the operating room; he has a stoic facial expression. Therefore, I became more nervous. Why the operation seems so fast? Was it successful or is there something else that happened? What happened to my mother?
“We’re so sorry. Your mom didn’t make it. If we continued the operation, she wouldn’t survive it either, I’m sorry.” The doctor informed us, lowering down his head. And I’m stuck on my spot upon hearing what he just said. Some came near me to comfort me, but I felt nothing.
Until my mother moved to a private room, just to wait for her time. I lose hope, ‘I can see no hope to give justice for my father’s death.’ That’s what my mind says. But my heart says a different thing…. ‘If my mother leaves me too… how will I live? Can I still survive?’
My head was filled with too much thinking, that I didn’t realize I’m already inside my mother’s room. She was there lying on her bed, and her face displaying agonizing pain. Just by looking at her, it feels like I’m also feeling the pain she’s feeling right now.
It’s discomforting to see her looking helpless on a hospital bed, waiting for her death. And my body moved involuntarily to quickly reach for her hand.
“Mama …” The words came out from my mouth.
“Dear …” I felt joy hearing her voice, saying that word. I can no longer remember the last time she ever called me her dear. Is this the last time?
“Please open the drawer…” She requested as she point her finger at the drawer beside me. And as I open it, I saw an old thick notebook.
“It’s my diary, dear… I hope you’ll give time to read it. I know there is misunderstanding between us. Dear… I love you and your father. Please, do not forget about that…” My mother drew a smile on her face, but she can’t hide the tears rolling down her cheeks. I was also crying looking at her while holding her diary across my throbbing chest.
I also hugged her, and it was my first time embracing her again after my father’s funeral. I didn’t think this will going to be the last time I’ll ever hug her. I kept on crying while holding her tightly, but I felt her arms slipping away. I looked at her and her eyes shut… and no longer breathing. And the last thing I remember, I was dreadful and screaming, “I’m sorry, Mama! I love you…”
AFTER my mother’s funeral, I preferred to be alone first. I decided to read her diary, and I’ am glad to read the first entry on her notebook. That was about the time when she and dad got together. I browsed more pages… it was a proof that they are both in loved with each other.
But I didn’t dare to read more of it since my mom starts sharing their love story to me when I was a little and it gives more pain in my heart as well. I want to know the truth so I start browsing her diary to look for her entry about my father’s death. Unfortunately, there was nothing on that date except for an entry that was written the following day of after my father’s death. I read it… and I almost hurt myself with what I just discovered.
“Dear Diary,
Yesterday was the most tragic and painful event in my entire life. My husband died. There were three men wearing a bonnet and they came to our house that night. They wanted to steal the vault that was hidden at our daughter’s room. They seemed to have learned every parts of our house, like they were watching us for a long time already. But even before they entered my daughter’s room, my husband fought back. He was able to beat those guys but one of them stood up and he was about to stab me with a knife when my husband shielded himself for me. I was left unspoken as I touch his wound, and it covered my hands with blood. All I was able to say was, “I’m sorry”, if it’s not because of me he wouldn’t have to die like this. I wasn’t able to save him. I wasn’t able to save my husband. Meanwhile, the robbers were surprised as well so they ran out from the scene, and that was the time I was able to take off the knife from my husband’s chest. It even slipped off from my hands as I watch him weakened. After a few minutes, I got up, hugged him tight and wept. It was too late when he was brought to the hospital… he’s already gone. But before his last breath, I promised him I will take good care of our daughter. And I will never leave her no matter what happens…”
I was just crying while reading it. Why it is like that? You’ll just regret something once it is lost. It’s painful, extremely painful. I love my mom so much, but when I thought that she killed my father, my personality got full of hatred. I was poisoned by that anger that made me hate my mother.
Now I regret everything. It’s an excruciating pain. Why do people have to die first before you realize that you love them? My father… left me, and now my mother left me as well. No, I was the first one who left her. What have I done to my mother? Why I ever thought that she could do that?
"Dad, I’m sorry for doing this to mom… this is my fault. I wish I could restore back those times. But it’s impossible for me to bring back something that I lost.” I was holding the diary while staring at a large frame on the master’s bedroom. It’s our family picture. Remembering those good times makes me smile.
“Mom, I’m so sorry for thinking so bad about you. I’m full of shame for causing you so much pain. I know I can’t no longer make things right, I’m so thankful to have you and dad. I’m sorry I broke it… Mom… Dad… I love you and I miss you both.” And I went down on my knees while looking at our family picture. “Now what? Is there someone else to join me in the stage when I receive my medals? In a few weeks, I’ll be graduating. Are you happy for me? Thank you very much, I love you both so much. And I know you’re happy wherever you are. Dad, can you hug mom for me?” I laughed while my tears are still flowing down my eyes.
"I’ll be striving for the best. I’ll do everything to make both of you proud of me. I will always pray to God about you. Thank you. You two are the best parents. Mom…. what will happen to me now? No one will cook and make lunchbox for me when I go to school. I’m letting you go… mom and dad. However, your memories will remain in my heart, forever. I love you both …”
At this moment, are you having problems with your parents? Will you wait for them to leave before you ask for forgiveness? Do they need to die before you grant them your forgiveness? While it’s still early… make them feel that they are loved, before you regret it.
October 28,2012 -jnl
A and R
I'm very sorry I've committed a mistake again I'm not sorry for the mistake I'm feeling sorry for myself Because I have failed myself again For committing that sht again I'm sorry and I promise There will be no 'a' anymore There's only 'r' now I promise This isn't just for me but also for you -jnl
October 25 The same day when I felt anyone can harm me. The same day I felt unsafe. The same day when I experienced losing someone you love for the first time. October 25 is the day when I realized that I won't see him smile again, That I won't ever hear his voice, That we can't hold hands anymore. The little girl doesn't want to remember the pain, but she can't just forget everything. -JNL I always miss you. You still have a special part in my heart.
Please don't give up. You are beautiful and Jesus loves you! You're worth so much. I've battled mental illness and still struggle with depression and anxiety sometimes, but from my experience, it does get better. Jesus saved me from committing suicide and I know He can save you, too. "Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). Nothing can make Him stop loving you. I promise that you're not alone. Jesus understands your pain and He can strengthen you to recover
Thanks for that. That's what I realized, days ago. Thank you for reminding me. You're beautiful too and God loves you. God bless!
Thoughts in Single Words
Rain. Lightning. Thunder. Astraphobia. Girl. Alone. Suicide. Realization. God.
This is so not mine, but I thought it was such an interesting take on my favorite Disney Princess movie.
[Found Here] - that said I have no idea who the original person who posted this is, so if you know please let me know so I can give full credit!!
Thanks :D