John Cornelius O'Callaghan V

[voidofbutterflies]

You want me to be more interested in you than I am and we both know it. I’m not interested in you how you want me to be. Honestly, the more pushy you are about it makes me even less interested in the sex. I don’t need to have sex with you. I think we are better off as friends and I don’t know if you noticed but I can’t flirt with you. I just can’t. It doesn’t feel right. I feel like I’m forced to try to flirt with you because you’re always pushing me. I hate it. I need you to stop and I’ve tried to talk to you about parts of it but like it doesn’t seem to do anything. I have genuinely no interest in sex with you or anyone right now. I just don’t think you want to hear that.

[voidofbutterflies]

This guy...I can’t even begin to explain what a dick move that was and how he treated her is unacceptable. Listen, if you think you should tell a girl you’re fucking her and thinking of someone else then I highly suggest you go jump off a cliff. That’s not how you treat people. She’s not just there for your abuse. And yes. That’s abuse.

[voidofbutterflies]

All relations and plots with Dove & Thomas are disbanded. They never happened. They don’t know each other. They’re all strangers.

[roundtop]

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear so immediately that the two of you, on some level, belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you’re in love or creating things together or foxhole buddies or partners in crime. It’s so clear, right off the bat, that this is what you’re supposed to be doing, that this is what you’re for. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest of circumstances, and they help you make a life. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but. It definitely makes me believe in something.

[voidofbutterflies]

I said OUR party and he assumed it was me trashing him. Right. He blocked me bc I’m annoyed he wouldn’t talk to me and is trash talking me to people because he MADE UP AN ASSUMPTION and decided that I was attacking him.

[voidofbutterflies]

I just love seeings how targeted I am. Could say anything at all or even go with something that wouldn’t definitely fuck me over but nah. Couldn’t do that. Just had to make sure to bury me. I see that shit. I don’t like it.

[voidofbutterflies]

Not a lot of people are aware I suffer from crippling anxiety and shit like this makes me want to walk off the end of a cliff just so I can stop feeling like this.

[voidofbutterflies]

i see what happens on dash and how people treat each other and honestly some of it is real shitty and some of it just leaves me feeling better about humanity. lately i’m stuck shaking my head at the over the top couple bullshit. if you think you have to smother comments with your crap, your relationship is crap. call me crazy but maybe don’t be with someone if you have to feel like you have to go over the top in public on the dash. you won’t see me ever do that shit. i support my friends but i’m not about to downplay myself and upplay some dumb ass values that mean nothing. it’s just bugging me.

[voidofbutterflies]

That stupid fucking site is back. At least this time I know not all of it is true. There was one person talking about last night and I was stone sober and talking to infograph girl and sitting alone all night. I didn’t do it but I don’t know if that really means anything when everyone believes the internet.

[8-bitfiction]

[voidofbutterflies]

ooc

restarted john so he no longer is married to auden and no longer has a child. his secret also changed.

[voidofbutterflies]

Right before we hit the stage yesterday, I got some email from this executioner person. I don’t know what to think about it. We were in the Philippines and whatever this shit is it is making waves. They were talking about it at the airport when I was leaving. I kept reading that ridiculous email and wondering what to do.I don’t know what to think or do.  It’s probably it’s someone playing a joke, right? I have a publicly listed email. This is just coincidence. There’s no way some psycho would find me worth killing.

[voidofbutterflies]

↗️levitate ↖️

↘️ not current/happening/are the past/pre levitate history ↙️

[voidofbutterflies]

[voidofbutterflies]

I wouldn’t have noticed how bad they are if it wasn’t pointed out and now I see them and roll my eyes.

[capacity]

Anyways……. time to sabotage myself

[voidofbutterflies]

I’m going to be gone for the day but here’s my “been up less than half an hour” thoughts. To the outside, I bet everything I do romantically seems crazy, insane, wreckless, polar, and stupid—probably because it is. I’ve had things with people that feel real and it’s only because it hasn’t been. I talk myself out of things because I don’t know how to not muck it up. At least I say that but then look at Auden. She’s actually the only person I haven’t cheated on. I ended things with her because I wanted June but sobering up made me realize it wasn’t June. I wanted the act of making things harder on myself. I like June. I would have dated her but it’s not the same. Auden makes me feel like I’m getting everything I wanted in life. The whole wife and kids that I gave up on has been here. If being clean leads me to this, I might consider staying and seeing about rehab. I probably should before she pops out another kid anyway.