hi Anna I just saw the anon about your recovery tag and it reminded me to tell you something i've thought for awhile. your fic is phenomenal, it honestly feels more like a book. you're an incredible writer beyond your years but what i wanted to tell you is that i have an eating disorder and i've watched movies and tv shows/read fics and even published books that include EDs, but yours is truly the first piece of art that's actually felt authentic, raw, and COMPLETELY accurate... (1)
(2, 3) your lines: “he looked me in the eyes and said ‘sorry’ while he was doing it and didn’t stop” and, “It was so embarrassing. I was bad at eating and I was bad at having an eating disorder. When you’re naturally thin and you have an eating disorder, you’re sent to the hospital. When you’re naturally a medium or large and you have an eating disorder, people throw flowers at your feet.” spoke straight to my heart and moved me to tears, actual tears. like… you talk about picking at your pores for hours in the mirror sitting on the sink? having thin, greasy hair that falls out everywhere? how recovery can feel like relapse? spending most days alone or just stuck in the house with your family? it’s ugly when it needs to be, and it’s REAL. you have no idea how much this story means to me. i love it, and you. thank you.
oh my god… oh my god. please come off anon, you just moved ME to tears. every single thing you just articulated was exactly a goal of mine in writing this story. recovery is such a paramount theme in my life and i never see accurate representations in art and literature about what it’s like (especially bulimia nervosa, most just cover anorexia nervosa). and even in depictions from people who are literally in remission or relapsing, most of it feels highly airbrushed and romantic in comparison to my personal experiences in like IOP and PHP as a teenager. i think part of that might be because one side effect of having an eating disorder is the urgent need to present yourself in the most appealing way possible—obviously physically, but there’s also this very real need to perform stability in other parts of your life. i see this all the time on “recovery” accounts on instagram. i can’t tell you how many conversations i’ve had with my therapist, my parents, partners, friends, lying through my teeth that that things were Not That Bad, i promise! that i had all these other parts of my life that were amazing and engaging and bright! and for some people, if that means portraying their eating disorder in a semi-glorified way through their art, then they’ll do that. i mean, i’ve totally done it myself in a roof of clouds. jane is way more responsible and considerate than i ever was when i was really sick. (i’m planning on changing that dynamic a little in later chapters as her illness progresses, but still.) i have this image of her in my head as way skinnier and more physically beautiful than most real people i’ve met in treatment. so, we’re all guilty of it to some degree. it’s hard not to be. i don’t even think this is exclusive to writers with eating disorders.
but i adore harry, and i rarely ever see anyone in the “harrie” community, or frankly tumblr, talking about eating disorders—i see waaaay more about social anxiety, depression, struggling with feeling accepted as lgbt+ on my dash, which is all amazing! so admirable and important! it would just be wonderful if there were as much about eating disorders, too. and it’s not just because i’m following the wrong crowd, i’ve like….. looked for recovery stuff. i’ve asked around without much luck. and again, eating disorders aren’t as common as social anxiety, etc. but i used to never talk about it on here for fear that people in my real life would find out about it (i have links to my social media). but you know what? i’m going to be someone who talks about it. i trust my followers to keep this part of my life confidential. i suspect i’m following a lot of people who struggle with disordered eating but haven’t openly admitted it on tumblr in the way that people more readily come out or talk about depression, and that’s really too bad. it’s nothing at all to be ashamed of. i wanted a way to tie these two very important parts of my life together—harry and recovery—and (hopefully) make something beautiful that other people might enjoy along the way.
