SENTENCE MEME ⟶ PARSNIPS, BUTTERED / pp. 50-100
always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.
‘told mother i was having a ‘lamb shank’. she said, ‘that sounds like a weird sex act’.’
‘sometimes i wonder if life would be dull without people like donald trump. then i realise, no, that’s an absurd thing to think, life would just be far better.’
i’m not suggesting eradicating people like him entirely, merely gathering them all up and putting them somewhere that they can’t do any damage. like in an active volcano, or the sea.’
‘they’re not sure if putting them all on a megabus is technically worse for their human rights.’
‘oh, you like men? we’ll put you in a box with some.’
‘TONIGHT: two knobheads have bombed a car.’
‘my approach is to do what i do best: be really bloody annoying.’
‘yeah, sure great-grandma, you’ve been dead for fifty years, but just so you know, your stew tastes like shit.’
‘we only intend to have two fires per room.’
‘i tried, but you’re fucked.’
‘you could describe her as ‘eclectic’, or if you were being a little more liberal you might say she is ‘absolutely bat-shit-off-her-nut-crazy’.’
‘she’s a true creative and a single woman, owning somewhere in the region of 10 million cats.’
‘she sends me emails warning me there are leaves in the gutter.’
‘we try to avert our eyes.’
‘i asked how daft she wanted to be about this and she said, ‘FULL DAFT’.’
‘I sometimes had to zoom my binoculars in to fully comprehend what was going on.’
‘i am SHOCKED and CONCERNED.’
‘they don’t share the same respect for footwear as me.’
‘a lack of love can wear away at your soul.’
‘it’s all the more sad that love is lacking when some of them are SUPER cute.’
‘if you have a penchant for bearded men with a sassy attitude, look no further.’
‘i went to the place where love flows like water. grindr.’
‘it’s an absolute shag fest.’
‘i find the phrase ‘destroy my asshole’ is best reserved until the third date.’
‘she’s probably dead now, so what does it matter?’
‘there’s nothing worse than the crippling guilt of receiving a christmas present from someone you haven’t got anything for.’
‘it’ll be a really fantastic, sarcastically expensive present.’
‘they would have bitched about an unborn baby.’
‘they kept me at arms length using their main weapon: bitching.’
‘much like cats, once i got too close they would lash out, walk to the other side of the room and lick their vaginas.’
‘i once made a joke about ‘feeling a little horse’ and she didn’t laugh.’
‘i believe it is referred to colloquially as ‘killing with kindness’ but i prefer ‘torturing with treats’.
‘don’t congratulate me on my new hair? expect some anthrax.’
‘it was so much more fun than any straight wedding even though everyone there will go to hell as punishment.’
‘his job is the most natural thing in the world: punching people in the head.’
‘i get the appeal of boxing. you get to wear fun shorts and look really tough and cool.’
‘BUT IT IS A VERY GAY SPORT.’
‘it’s a real pain in the dick.’
‘it’s really pissed the banks off and i love it.’
‘where there’s money, there’s a dickhead.’
‘every time i gift someone a bottle of wine i demand they open it immediately and pour me a glass.’
‘i took this as a declaration of war, which was perhaps an overreaction.’
‘just hearing the name gave me his whole life story.’
‘he tries to dress like he’s really cool but he just gets it slightly wrong and ends up looking like he’s trying too hard.’