Affable Vulnerability: A Personal Blog

[vulnerabl-t]

Male Intimacy

Read and meditating on a post about an individual making the transfer from Female to Male, reflecting on how males are constantly touch starved, as well as starved intimately. Whether talked about or not, we are all guarded against males. Males have been coerced into being emotionally distant with other men. We've learned to be this way, Males with a conscious worry of being taken advantage of, harassed or jeered at. Women from being manipulated, being shown it from poor role-models, examples and news- blooming a subconscious threat. People are good naturally, yet we focus on those bad examples. It is not a disadvantageous way to be, but not the best. Our minds are meant to keep us alive not happy.

Males in society are taught socially to not be touchy nor show intimacy. 'Men are chronically emotionally malnourished and seek that intimacy and connection. Being underfed just enough to mess with the psyche but not enough to notice how it's fucking you up.' Some men may wrap this in a bow of a "personal emotional weakness." Being taught to shove it down and not bring it up, for there is no current conversation for it.

[vulnerabl-t]

There You'll Be - 3/6/22

Growth- like a slow fall through a glass pane, cracks spreading out, splintering and shuffling away, new abstracts and pieces, perhaps a mess at first, but a craftsman knows what to do with it. Pain flourishing and shifting. Quiet frustrated nights. Pulling the wood off of the framework to rebuild something new with it. Wanting to scream but have no real reason for it. Wanting to cry but not having the ability to. A tight knot curling itself underneath your tongue. What is the intent? Accepting that no matter where you go- there you'll be. This is not where I'm supposed to be. THIS is NOT home. If you continue to set roots in a place you no longer want to be, the tree will be harder to transplant. It is okay to be frustrated. Everyone feels this, maybe not to your extent, maybe not in your genuine same position ......but similar. Learn from what you have right now. Learn from the people here. Love is the string running through life. Love is the web that you must keep your soul close to. Right now you have no one to hold onto. Hold onto yourself. No matter where you go. There you'll be.

Sitting with rough feelings is how you're going to learn from them. Not running away, nor pushing them down. No. Sit with them. Learn from them. You are an empath. You feel things so deeply that the rational mind gets confused with what to do with it all. Running out of RAM fast. There's so much to sift through. Distracting the mind is a nice getaway, nevertheless only delaying your growth. Sit with the pain, discomfort, disordered lists and hard truths. You may not like it, you may want to squirm away. Face it head on. For it is a worthy combatant, and it does not play fair. It is work that each of us wakes up and should look forward to do. On the other side? In this moment? In the highs, lows and unfortunate steps? There you'll be.

There is something so soothing about quiet confidence in yourself. You have a deep feeling -love for yourself- that underlines all of life. You know that you will search for whatever 'it' is until you find it, or keep on. As you become more 'you', learning to speak your truth becomes easier. No longer seeking the approval of others, only yourself. If you go alone? So what? There you'll be.

Solivagant. Journeying alone. Not lonely, but alone. You know you're such an amazing person. Look at the work you bear, the souls you kindly help. Not boastful nor dismissed, you have the vulnerability to accept faults in stride and look to grow. This is not my forever, it is up to me to change it and I put in work each day. So for the moment? Bear the brunt of the uncouth present. Feeling the presence as if holding your breath but breathing through it all. Everyone searches for home or keeps on. Home will be there someday. Keep searching for it, and there - you'll be.

[vulnerabl-t]

First Canine Love

We came in off of a whim. Having time before our dinner reservation, we wanted to kill time, so we wandered into your housing. I remember seeing you behind the glass. The gold on your head and chest, like a small royal, black fur contrasting so beautifully against it all. I fell in love instantly. We contoured Dad into getting you over dinner. All of us telling hollow promises in order to bring you home. We drove home with you in our laps. Wrapped up in a blanket, all of us excitedly looking at you from time to time.

You caused Dad grief, him yelling at you and us, but we knew it wasn't backed well. He loved you and was only worried about paying for the fix. You chewed off the edges of the wood steps. I got mad at you when I was young too but you helped teach me patience with anger. Your fierce whities would hurt, but you didn't mean it, you were playing. You bit at people and were full of ferocity. Bo would hold you up like a trophy in one hand. You loved socks, playfully carrying them like a fresh hunt, interrupting a dull moment of the day. As soon as we stood you'd run off. Seeing our socks as a dishonest intruder upon our feet, you'd always take the opportunity to rid us of them. Our loyal protector, protecting us from the pool, anxiously drinking water from the edges, hoping to lap up all the danger. When we'd get near the edge, you'd bite gently and try to pull us out. When we're making a ruckus in the water you'd bark in your small chirps. Same goes for the tramp, attempting sabotage on the achilles. You were fierce for how small you were. The Pizza Factory pizza boy is still petrified after his torn back pocket because of you. We taught you tricks-first was shaking, then slowly lay down, stand up, and roll-over. Rolling over was always a half-hearted attempt. Funnily twisting in circles until finally committing and rolling over. I learned what it meant to take care of a dog. The work with taking care of you, taking you out, feeding, washing, walks, the full lot.

There were areas I wish would've been better at and I fully blame myself. I should've taken you on more walks. Letting you experience different environments and explore. I'm sorry you were inside so much. I'm sorry you had to be the martyr to show me how I want to treat my dogs in the future. to be patient. You taught me the simple love dogs share. that life is short and so beautiful. that we must appreciate each moment we have. that what we look for in life should be the present.

[vulnerabl-t]

Touch-starved

My love language is physical touch. Thoughts frequently long for touch, cuddling, holding someone near. That peaceful serenity lying next to them, not a care in the world. I have not had my fill of physical touch in a very long time.

Someday I'll look back and wonder why I ever worried. Someday I'll find someone that will continue to choose me. We'll work together to build each other up and be there for each other. How long no-one knows, it is outside ones control, but someday it will be.

[vulnerabl-t]

Gaze Into The Abyss

Today has been heavy. The girl I'm in love with hadn't texted or made contact in over 4 days. Finally messaging late last night that she doesn't want to continue our relationship. Tests from classes have accumulated and all came at the same time, aligning on this week. I stood up for myself against my dad, in which he retaliated with verbal and emotional abuse. I feel there is no place to which I've found home, that I'm an astronaut displaced in the cosmos merely passing through.

Today felt as if I had one foot over the edge of the abyss. Hovering and pondering. My other foot twisted firmly into the ground, not wanting to leave. Two sides of my mind battling, each side lofting over 'what-ifs' like verbal grenades.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To begin with, The Girl. I met her almost 3 years ago, and she hasn't left my mind for a day since. We recently connected and have been talking every day since. I might add that we went too fast. Both too excited to finally have the opportunity to talk to each other and led us down our path too quickly. We have so many things in common and I was worried of messing it up- I lost myself in the process, easing my boundaries to allow more time with her. We had connected so well and then she went radio-silent overnight. She finally messaged, saying, "My feelings have changed and I'm so sorry. ...I am not ready to commit as readily as you are right now. ...don't want you to wait in vain." I had a hard time staying asleep last night, woke up and read this about 2 a.m. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I instantly felt blood rush through my veins and hyperventilating. I couldn't settle down. Beginning by bifurcating my thoughts along two columns: Those outside my control and inside. Inside was how I react, how I move on, how I deal with now-the present moment, and what I can do now. Outside was what others do with their lives, their decisions, lifes' path of both parties, and instant gut reactions.

Parents. Secondly, my dad. I woke up with difficult emotions and unsure how to move on. I knew that that day, I'd be dealing with a fragile soul and ready to be careful with it. We went on a family walk, Brother in town, we went for a long stroll. When we got back home I needed some alone time so I went to my room. I needed to get out into the sun and went for a bike ride by myself. I apparently missed family dinner, as when I got home they were cleaning up. I came in and ate, talking with my brother. I spent time with my sisters family and all, then as they left, I again went to my room to study for my test the coming day. I came out to hang out with my brother, mom and dad. My Dad remarked for me 'being selfish, that this is family time and that I have rude manners, you've been like this all day and you need to buck up.' I said I was sorry, I wish I could fix it easily but trying my best. He said I was 'selfish, and weak.' The words stung. I immediately told myself that his words should not be held personal, however this is hard coming from a parent-figure. As much as we can wish, our parents will never be perfect.

School. Since day one, I've never felt in charge of my schooling. That I was not the one in control and I was along for the ride. I want to live my life! I feel I'm wasting my time with school. I know I can use it in the long run but good hell, it's soul-crushing in current moments. The world is out there, waiting.

Learning is clinical, the real world is useful knowledge out and about. You learn about yourself, about your soul and what you're made of. Schooling feels different. I am a semester and a half away from the end. The light at the end of the tunnel. How can I hold on? What about Grad School?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I love hard and fall hard. My vulnerability is a good thing and I refuse to be different. I am passionate about what I hold dear. Life is not bad, only bad days.

[vulnerabl-t]

The Tranquility I Seek

Dating can be difficult. Seeking for a long-term relationship often has one seeking the inner values and goals of another. All too often, others seek material goods in their lives. This is not a goal that leads to a loving life or good life mission. What happens when they get burned out- do it for the money? For their family or that they may have more items?

The Tranquility I seek lies in myself. It doesn't come from other people. It does not come from material goods. Where it lies is in the constant search within to learn more, finding the tranquility I seek. For calm, connection and peace of mind. The good life lies within the simple life. The soul is much more wise than that of the anxious brain. While the brain at times gets tied up in the search for material goods, for the money that provides us a brimming house.

The spouse I seek will not be easy to find. She seeks the same tranquility as I and we may but briefly cross paths. What I must do is continue to work on myself, lean into the uncomfortable and challenge who I am. I expect her to be doing the same and if it's who I seek then I shall continue to search for her in passing, as I know she will find me just the same.

A simple life deems less stress and ease of mind. I am nowhere near perfect, as it requires work every day. I must apply myself and continue in the process. What say it if I am mostly single through my 20's? It allows me to be on my own, discover who I am and adventure. Continuing to tap into who I want to be. Discovering the route that is the untraditional. The spouse of quality will be attracted to me just the same as I am to her.

[vulnerabl-t]

Emotional/Intimacy

I had a dream last night of coming home from a family function, a girl I had gone on a couple dates with years ago was there. I was stressed and worried about something, she kept calling me upstairs and I was having trouble finding her. I crouched up the stairs and loosened my tie. I got to the top floor in confusion. I was searching rooms, looking to see where she was. I had a feeling of it being warmer and more comfortable the closer I would get to her like a radar. I felt I was about to cry, I opened one last door and there she was. The door opening left a streak of light flooding into the room, shining onto her nude freckled back. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled sheepishly. The door closed behind me as I stepped into the room and all was quiet. I exhaled hard and crawled into bed. She rolled over and I felt our skin connect. I felt so loved and safe. I held her and her arm was across my chest, as I softly kissed her forehead. My blood felt pure and course. I woke up from this dream with a notice from my mind of what I've been needing. How I've been touch-starved for such a long time, what I need and what emotional needs have gone unfilled. I've been so intimidated by the idea of dating. The fear of trusting the wrong person and putting myself in the wrong position.

Emotional intimacy can be scary, for it takes trust and patience. How can you get to trust someone without giving trust away. Letting them see who you truly are and being vulnerable. That's why love is scary is it not? To put faith in a person whom you don't fully know and learning about them. Being patient with them. Nobody is always going to be the 'perfect' that you have in mind. The perfect in itself is imperfect. For in all things the beauty lies within the flaws just as it does with the unflawed, both sides complement the whole.

[vulnerabl-t]

Vent, no filter

With challenges comes lessons learned.

Mom made me feel unwanted the other day. Emotionally it hurt. I have been trying hard to do more things for them and get my life going. Yet she dragged me through the mud with her words. I feel that I am here to be used and tolerated. Dad did the same thing a few months ago, said some hurtful words that still ring in my mind. "You think you're such a deep thinker yet when it comes to an actual challenge you can't handle it." I feel untrusted. He never apologized, acted as if it never happened.

I want to go on a retreat and stay alone for a few days. Alone. Me. Wilderness. Sounds of nature. No distractions. I want to feel the wind, I want to sleep in a hammock and wake with the sun. I want a friend to talk the night away with. I can go with a friend or myself this weekend and sleep in a hammock. Sleep in a hoodie and feel the breeze.

With schooling it sounds like I'm on the right path as of right now. I will have 3-4 years left in school. Do I want to stay home? What are the pros and cons? Staying home:

Pros: home-cooked meals, cheap living, free food. Growth. Help with school and therapy.

Cons: Arguments with parents, having to see sisters family, emotional hits.

Moving out:

Pros: Freedom, growth, social life,

Cons: Sustainable? Working more,

[vulnerabl-t]

Fire of Life

The fire has been lit within my soul. Piercing the veil of confusion, finding ways to work on my purpose daily. Colors are vivid and I feel light. Music resonates and bounces around inside rather than refracting off. I have found a confidence that has tangents of being brave, endearing and un-tethered to anxiety. Doing what feels right, not what is convenient. Believing in my words. Believing in my actions. Believing in the fiery passion within that beckons excellence in all things. Focusing on what gives life, not sorrow.

[vulnerabl-t]

Memento Mori

I will die. I do not know when or how. It is outside of my control. What I can do is live my best life and learn as much as possible. 

How I will be buried }

-Do not spend money on a wooden casket. That is a jab for money and idiotic. My body must return to the soil. Several companies have different ways of doing it. One is that your body’s nutrients are used for a tree’s soil. That is how I want to be buried. My body will fuel a tree’s growth. 

[vulnerabl-t]

Make Your Own Reality

A narrative speaks it's two cents eloquently inside of my mind quite often. Only interuppted by lifes' meaningless pursuits or the noise of the world. It speaks of a deep truth that my soul craves. Music with rich tones and craft images of foreign cultures encourage its' voice louder. Swimming underneath the water in its neverending damp tones, lets the voice speak bravely. The smell and earthy undertones of the rain calm me. Soothing the flairing hairs of my soul. At times my emotions can feel distant, coming in touch when I have one of these encounters.

When asking a tough question to myself. When questioning my purpose of where I am now. That is when the whispers of hope and promise embrace me. Where I am now is not where I am meant to be forever. It is only my placeholder. My soul speaks of love and passion, that life is about helping all of the beings you encounter. My soul is destined to see that there is a myriade of lifes' ingredients to learn.

When pondering courtship and how to personify the person I want to learn with. When the difficulties of my current living area hamper the dating opportunites. These are when my soul seems to knurl, growing a tough skin to be shed.

What keeps the fire burning is to recognize that I staple very high standards to myself. I will not compromise for the sake of short-term gratification. I will not flounder under the pressure of societal norms. I will continue to perservere for who I want to be and who I hold out for. Others success does not define my own story. Others opinions do not ground weeds within me. I am who I choose to be.

[vulnerabl-t]

Amor Fati

Life is potential. Masters and the greats aren’t special. The gap between us and them is focused effort and deliberate time. 

[vulnerabl-t]

One of my new favorite mantras has been: Start where you are not where you want to be.

It's not my surroundings that must change but my attitude towards them. Living in Hawaii I felt that I was a positive addition to the community. That I had positive relations and that I could help. Here I feel I must hide some of who I am. Dating makes the enigma slightly more challenging. Not wanting children increases the challenge. I've met few who have the same thoughts. With Mormonism being a big influence, it's hard to find the medium where I am. I am keep myself healthy, no drugs, no alcohol, no heavy consumptions of any kind. I am who I am. Here it's either mormon where most live a close-minded way of life or complete opposite end of the spectrum, diving into alcohol and drugs. So where is home? Where can I find my solemn place to call home. Dating evades me, and overthinking comes with the gas-lighting i'd grown up around. So a safe enviroment is to be seeked. However, how and where?

[vulnerabl-t]

MY WHY

Why to eat less:

• To feel better in my own skin

• To run longer

• To improve my Gymnastic and climbing abilities

• To become the person I want to be. 

Why workout everyday:

• To test myself and self-actualize

• To become who I am inside. 

• To continue my betterment 

[vulnerabl-t]

Connection

Compassion lies in all things. Compassion between two people can always be found if you search deeply enough. As I can remember I've always been keen of physical touch and affection, doesn’t matter from who. If I had a buddy that would wrap their arm around my shoulders and just kinda chill for a little, I felt such love and connection through it. When a girl touches my arm affectionately, or when someone walks up behind and gives a hug. Those few who hold on to a hug for a few short moments after you’ve let go. A small pat on the back that has a lingering hand listening to your words. Sharing a moment after shaking someones hand when they truly listen. Even those small quiet moments when they study your face for a moment, watching the gears click behind their thoughtful mind. 

Perhaps this is the reason I long for a relationship. To share compassion and have someone to truly care about me. That I'm undernourished in physical affection and look for it in relationships. I am not getting the attention or affection needed to let me strive.

[vulnerabl-t]

Darkness

I’ve come to realize lately that I am more attracted to sadder or more emotionally drawn works. The music I listen to is usually ones that connect to me by deep emotional feelings, the sad songs, the songs that trigger bad memories. The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced to realize how good I have it now and how I've been able to overcome these past hurdles. 

Even in movies, I love the ones that are more emotional (Short Term 12, War movies and sad endings.)

[vulnerabl-t]

Present and Future

Here I am, 21 years old, sick at home in Maui. Something about the rain makes me feel so at peace. I don’t know where I’ll be in the future but I know I’ll find peace.` 

With worried thoughts coming and going of ifs; whether I’ll find someone who can be with me in my quiet days, if my thoughts on atheism will push potential loved ones away, if I’m interesting enough to find someone, if I'm putting myself out there enough...

Something between the rain, having a stuffy nose, the Christmas season and taking a warm shower to help me get better, I found this imperturbable sense that love is within me. I deserve love and love will find me wherever I go. Being able to be myself and loving me for who I am allows more room for the truly important people to come into my life. I wonder somedays if I have the capabilities to find a wife who is stunningly gorgeous but agrees to most of the same thoughts. 

I know I can find someone who is good enough. I know the future holds so much good, love, hope, lessons and adventures for me. I’ll look back on this one day and think wow, I've made it and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead. 

Distance helps the heart grow fonder. When I'm out sick, when I have an injury or away from electronics, it helps me to appreciate life and my abilities. I have it so good and I'm so beyond thankful for what I got. Even when I think I only have a little going.