Iāve been doing a lot of soul searching the past couple weeks, and I know some people will think that itās an attention grab, but itās really not. So delete me if you think that, and get over yourselves.
Iām so overwhelmed with just how boring my life is. How much I want and would be able to make any changes I want but also not having the ability to do so with no license, no vehicle... which I think is the wedge Iād need in order to make those in depth changes I want so badly. I have so many plans, goals and ambitions for life... and I know I could do them, see them through... but being so confined to my own home JUST because I canāt get out do anything or see anyone without having to ask for help... which I hate doing, asking for help, relying on someone else to get my needs, wants and desires. Iām an independant person... I was raised with a father figure who was only physically there, and other things I wonāt say.... I was molested 2 times in my life, once by a school mate, and once by a guy I met only a week or so after my father died of lung cancer... Iāve been repeatedly told throughout my teen and some of my adult years that I would never amount to anything and that I shouldnāt bother trying. I nearly committed suicide in highschool because of the people I was supposed to look at as my peers, as well as my own teachers. Iāve spent years unburying myself from those lies, comments and names people threw at me... only to think later on that maybe I had found a significant other whom Iād spend the rest of my life with, because I was blinded by pretty words and looked past every single thing that screamed at me to run, and even moved to Richmond, BC alone just to be with that person, only to be treated like garbage, and a pay check for 4.5 years. I wasted those years of my life and I hated myself so much... I shut down so often. He was my first true relationship, at 23, I didnāt know to act... hell, I still donāt because I overthink, I criticize and become someone I donāt like because of my life long insecurities that had imbedded themselves into my mind and my own negativity after years of pessimism. ļæ¼
To some this would be considered not living, not experiencing life. Not being able to adapt properly or quickly.
But... as emotional and stubborn as I can be now a days... it is because of my past. Because of how I was raised, and treated.
It has been a process after all these years to fall in love with myself, because I never did. I donāt remember a single moment in my life that Iāve enjoyed seeing my ow face in the mirror until recently.
But now... Iāve proved not only myself, but every asshole that has ever told me or treated me like garbage that I am anything but.
I have a roof over my head that I pay for. Rent that I pay alone, bills, and food, two amazing furbabies. I get myself to work, and love my job... I love life, I enjoy being alive. I love being able to go outside at night and look up at the profound universe above that makes me feel amazing, and strangely ant like because of the beauty and vastness of it all!
There are people around me, friends and family alike that may have their lives together, have what theyāve always wanted or are having their goals come true... and I know, that I will get there too... but I am and will have it all on my own pace, and of course I WILL do it on my own.
It may not make a lot of sense... but I needed to rant. I keep everything in, and I know I shouldnāt, but I also donāt have many friends who would listen without judgment anymore, because growing up means opinions change, thoughts differ and lifestyles become distant to what they used to be.
I think myself selfish because seeing or hearing about so many others going through or having gone through worse things than me, all I did and have done was complain... but at the same time... Iāve watched some of those same stories go one of two ways... they use their pasts to build from, or they let it destroy them.
I can honestly say that Iāve built myself up from the pits of my past, and will only look back from now on to see how far Iāve come from the fragile child I used to be, and continue to tell myself that I made it, and will keep going and keep making it.
To those who read to the end... I appreciate it.
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