nothing crazy, just a quick oneshot with super little proofreading if any at all
my writing style is kinda mixed between formats, pls pardon
also might be a little ooc? cuz im not too deep into gfin as i am in other fandoms so forgive me if i depict them wrong :<<<
anw uh a little bit of angst then comfort i guess? just a semi-fleshed out concept i felt like putting into words lmao. contains: very insecure matsumura
Innocently uttered were those words.
Yet, they made the winter air all the colder.
"Yeah. I don't know, I guess I wasn't ready to come to terms with that back then and ... missed my shot. It's in the past now, though! He seems happy with you, and I'm glad!"
Aiki Hirose had always been such a simpleton, unaware of how his words and actions would result in consequences.
"Y-yeah. Thanks for ... telling me all this."
Of course, since it was Kosei Matsumura he was talking to, he couldn't care less. After all, had they ever been close at all for him to care?
A month sluggishly passed as Matsumura lived his every day in constant anxiety ever since that meet-up. He had a great boyfriend who understood him, how lucky. Yet, all that was on his mind—securely so—was the fact that the very person that made his days worth looking forward to could be taken away at any time, by the person who had been that before him, should he decide to turn around. Someone better than Matsumura was waiting for his boyfriend down the line, and he feared the assumed inevitability that the day he'd look back and run straight towards the other guy would soon arrive, perhaps way sooner than he could anticipate. If anything, he was even wondering why it had not happened yet. And, given his insecurity built up over years of rejection and negligence, the anxiety only grew, for he failed to believe in the possibility that Nakamura chose to stay with him.
Of course, he tried his damnedest to keep this little secret. Nakamura must never know. He already only had his boyfriend to confide in, to love properly. As unhealthy as his attachment to Nakamura was, at the very least he knew it was mutual. They didn't just love each other, they were bound to each other. If Nakamura left him, he'd have no one, he'd be no one. No one left to hear his voice, to see his struggles, to care for him despite his flaws, to inspire him to better himself. He couldn't afford that, not in a million, billion years, even if he knew Hirose was the 'better' guy. He couldn't lose his sole anchor in this freaky maelstrom of a world.
Sure enough, it was no easy task. Many a time, he had suffered distress, sometimes with his boyfriend there to comfort him, which may have made things worse due to the guilt of hiding things from the one person he knew he could confide in, that he should confide in, but chose not to; sometimes alone at night in his cold, empty bed, covering his own face with his pillow to muffle the screams and sobs that resulted from his aching heart. The truth was too much to bear, but letting it out would have led to his ultimate defeat, he thought. Mornings on which he was found with puffy eyes and a raspy voice were commonplace, though he would quickly deflect, claiming he came down with allergy and such. Such was the cost of lying: pain, and even more lying. Even despite his best efforts, whenever he would hang out with Nakamura, questions were unavoidable, suspicion not at all covert. Putting on a straight face was disingenuous, since the average reaction he would show when seeing the indescribably adorable face of his partner was utter bliss. Conversely, that joy had been absent ever since that conversation a month prior. Perhaps it was Hirose's doing, judging by anecdotes of his past interactions with Matsumura? Surely nothing he could have said would have such a profound influence on Matsumura, would it?
"Ko," asked Nakamura, on one occasion where they were in Matsumura's room.
"Yeah?" replied Matsumura, calm as ever.
"What did Hirose do this time?"
"Why are you asking me that?"
Despite his slight initial panic, he steeled himself for the conversation that had been looming over his head for days.
"You've been acting weird, like- really weird!"
"Nonsense, I'm still me! Still the tall, handsome, and nice Ko you fell for!"
"Drop the act! Ever since that night you were out with Hirose, something's been off about you! You started to reply to my messages late, stay up crying-"
"I told you that was because of hay fever! Makes my nose so itchy and my eyes so red I can't sleep!"
"I know what the face of someone who's been crying all night looks like, I've been there! You also stopped getting excited to hang out with me, and when we do, you just look like you wanna get out of there, like I'm forcing you to be there because we're dating! It's like- the spark in you died. I can't see it in your eyes whenever I look into 'em."
"T-that's not true ... You're not implying I don't love you anymore, are you? Because I'd never-"
"I'm not implying. I'm just ... observing."
Nakumura's eyes were like wells: deep, dark, and filled with water.
"Something changed within you. I don't know what it is, but it's gotta do with Hirose, right? After you, you liked him for so long. Hell, you loved him. I loved him too, I should know. Why wouldn't you-"
"Hey! No, it's not what you think!"
In a panic, Matsumura reached out and clasped Nakamura's hand in his. In that moment, he seemed to realize that what he'd been doing, hiding and lying, might have done more harm than good. The tears that fell was a wake-up call that he, Kosei Matsumura, had made his boyfriend doubt their love and cry as a result.
"Please, I-I swear! I love you and only you! Hirose didn't- it's not him! It's just-"
"I get it," Nakamura sniffled while tears streamed down his cheeks. "You don't have to hide anymore. Deep down, Hirose is still there. He never left. I was so naive."
The panic within Matsumura had shifted into fear and loathing, the latter directed towards himself, as usual. Almost instinctively, he pulled Nakamura in a tight, frightened hug, as if clinging on to him like a desperate alcoholic holding on to his bottle of rum.
"No, please! I love you! I love you more than anything, even myself! I'll even give you my heart if you need a transplant!"
His embrace grew tighter and tighter, making it slightly difficult for Nakamura to breathe, but he let it be, even his shoulder being soaked in Matsumura's tear and snot.
"Please, don't say that. You're my only friend, the only person who'd ever seen me and loved me. Even if the world ended today, I'd rather die in your arms than escape in a spaceship. Please ..."
It was now time for an interlude between talking—a rather teary one at that. The two lover boys didn't know what else to say or do, and resorted to just holding each other close, eventually lying down and cuddling in bed. It was strange for Nakamura to be on the comforting end, having sought comfort from his boyfriend long before they even started dating. He didn't complain, of course, since holding his boyfriend so close to his heart while providing him emotional service was one of his few favorite activities. What else could be more affectionate than being vulnerable to each other and embracing said vulnerability?
Without a doubt, though, crying must come to an end. By then, the boys had hopefully built enough emotional intimacy to be truly frank with each other.
Of course, crying had to stop, but cuddling did not!
"I guess it's high time I told you," started Matsumura.
"What Hirose told me that I've been hiding for a month or so."
"So you admit it was his doing?"
"Yeah, technically, but not in the way you'd expect."
"But first, do you still have any feelings for him?"
"I mean, it's hard to explain. I'm still really fond of him unlike any other friend, but at the same time I don't feel the same about him as I did long ago."
"... If he gave you a chance, would you go for it?"
"No, of course not. I'm with you."
"... You can always break up with me."
"And why would I do that?"
"HIrose is everything I dream to become. He's just better than me in every way."
"I'm not. The way he lights up every room he enters, the way everyone around him loves to hang out with him, the way he's just ... kind to everyone. Unlike me, a selfish bastard who lied to his boyfriend because he was afraid."
"Hey, never tell me anyone is better than you at anything, because that's just not true. You're the best at listening to me, making me feel loved, lightening up my days, and ... serving looks."
Nakamura couldn't stifle a giggle, and that contagiously elicited a smile on Matsumura's face.
"Do you promise nothing will change between us if I tell you?"
"Of course. Pinky promise."
"Okay. Well, Hirose told me that he ...," sighing a couple times, Matsumura finally confessed. "... liked you back."
Nakamura's eyes were wide at the confession.
He had been expecting something far more significant.
"What do you mean? I- yeah?"
Matsumura's confusion was understandable, at least.
"Oh boy. That's kinda funny, because ... I already know."
"Yeah! Hirose told me not long after we started dating. One day he saw us go out and asked if we were, I said yes, and then we talked a little. But yeah, he did tell me that."
"Oh. Why didn't you ... go for him then? Like, I'm happy you didn't, but why?"
"Isn't it obvious? Because I love you, dummy!"
"Can't have been more than you loved Hirose, though, right?"
"Ko, if you another dumb question, I'm kicking you off the bed."
"Then I'm kicking myself off!"
"Then stop asking me questions like that. My answer is set in stone: I love you, and nothing and no one, not even Hirose, is gonna change that. You are my one and only boyfriend, understood?"
"Besides, Icchan approves of you. Not everyone gets that."
"Right. Icchan sure does."
A little bit of comfortable silence together was what the couple needed after an entire month of being emotionally apart. Nakamura missed this, and so did Matsumura. Being able to finally let that 'secret' out of his chest, no matter how silly and harmless it would've been to not keep it in the first place, was liberating. He could finally feel safe in his lover's arms.
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