Talk tAlk taLk talK

Lets talk, I don't care about what, just let's talk. HI, I'm W and I want to share my thoughts with you. My chaotic, melancholic, random thoughts.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

birthday posting

i had some intresting talk w them in the past few days

they dont celebrate christmas anymore

i dont belive in god, they do, so weirdly enough it should hurt them more if u were to go off just by this information

i wouldnt say im hurt anymore

but is was

for atleast a year or two

i was always saying chirstmas is overrated, i dont like it, capitalism this, capitalism that

then i guess i was a clown for being hurt not having somehting i "despised" so much

because i didnt like christmas

i liked giving gifts, i always did

i didnt like christmas but i liked taking a break

i did not like christmas but i liked the fact that some people actually tried to be nicer atleast in those few weeks before the event

i didnt like christmas for the advertisements, i hated christmas for the sappy clichés, for everything fake

i didnt like how many people around christmas time told me how to love someone

still it hurt when mom said there will be no more christmas at home

i mean they said they wont, what i do is obviosly my choice

but really it just mean i have no one to celebrate with

and what hurt was that, i wouldve been fine with it if there was anything else here

but like i said before, my family isnt really behaving like one (?)

i thought it was my emo teenager self thinking that for a long time but, mum said something similar

that we dont behave how a family should be

we dont talk much

we talk obviously everyday but we dont t a l k

i kind of blame that on the fact that we are really different

i dont belive in things they belive in, and nowadays their whole world is built around their beliefs

if i could talk about softer topics with them i would

but in the end everything ends up with god in their mind

no matter where i try to drive the convo to keep it going, it somehow always ends up there

in the past few days it was kind of better, i gave them a gift on the 21st and told my mom to accept it for me, im not giving it because of christmas

i didnt say a ord to my dad just left the stuff on his desk

i had a "fight" (id rather say disagreement, because it was not aggressive in any way) with my mom about this on the phone that day

i was scared my dad would not accept or somehting, not even scared, better word is uncomfortbale

guess what he was happy

i feel like my mom overdramatizes a lot of things and all that fucking stress murders me for nothing

today too

its my birthday, i got a cake in the morning like always, and it was delicious like always

i was kinda out of it because i just woke up so i didnt talk much but i was happy, i thanked them for the gifts i got and sat down to eat with them

i dont want to get into details but the whole thing started out of the fact that we didnt have the kind of milk i use for coffee, and i asked if theres any

mom somehow already looked snappy

the whole conversation spiraled from there

later on the day i thought we solved it by having smaller talks

but shes on and off with me today all fucking day

and somehow im more sensitive about it

i always feel irony in her voice, this passive aggressive shit, and if i bring it up "its just you", somehow its my faulth

im so fucking tired

today i honestly didnt do anything because i felt like, on my birthday i could do that without a single guilty thought

but the way she spoke to me whenever she looked into my room felt like she had a problem with me again

i dont know

i know im sensitive about this, but i cant help it, she can be extremely cold, and its my birthday

i wanted it to be calm

i just dont feel

i dont feel love coming from her at times like this

like none

i feel like a problem, a burden

im trying to be stronger but its hard

christmas was something when i felt love, calmness around me, and thats what i liked about it, i did not give a shit about how we decorated it

but even that is gone too

and i feel like its a rare occasion when i feel loved

im fucking tired

i have little motivation wich makes me lazy, wich makes me feel kind of lesser again

im fighting tho

its hard

but im not giving up obviously

i cant, not yet

i just wish my mom could be softer, more understanding

i realized in this home that i crave love like crazy, but

somtimes it makes me uncomfortable when i recieve it

i guess some forms of love are rarely experienced by me so its strange, cringey when i get it

but i try to remind myself to everything i get

the fact that they got me a cake, and hugged me in the morning

that was nice atleast

yeah i have to

i have to calm myself

and remember when i get love

welp this got longer than it was meant to be

my mom opened the door on me, i told her not to come in but she did anyways, said she thought i said she can

(i dont want to blame her but i said it like 3-4 times to please not come in, and i know her brain just literally skips trough it, we talked about this before, she said she will try but this was fucking shitty timing)

i was crying, idk if she saw it or realized

i kinda hope not

its okay tho bc im done w my birthday cry atleast lol

these updates are always shitty lol but, i have to remind my future self that im only posting the shitty selfreflection times

like i have not posted about how i met up w 2 of my close friends yesterday, made a bunch of photos with 2 shitty digital cameras (mine's screen is literally in negativ and has these strikes on the screen, so u cant see how the pics actually turn out until its on ur phone/pc lol) smoked a bunch because we're unhealthy like that, went to a christmas fair and left quicly bc everything was expensive and it was cold. even the snow started falling wich is like really rare in this region in this time of the year

so we had a white christmas

i think i hear me mom talk about how sensitive i am

i didnt even do anything except cried and wrote my shit out in peace

but now thats a problem too, because she knows i was sad bc of her

im already over it, or i would be but i just fucking hope she doesnt want to talk about this more, because that would be more hurtful than useful, if we look at the fact that shes deadset on defending herself even if i wouldnt say anything about her

whatever

im older w one year

im 22 rn

im kinda lost in life

but thats nothing new so

i just have to power trough it

i actually did better this year

i read back a lot of posts i left in here and

i am making progress

kinda really slow but

its progress

so yeah peace out or some cool way to say goodbye here

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

I don't know what is a real family or if i ever had one

Will i ever be part of one?

Will i become like them?

I have to be honest

I always have to be honest

They lied to themselves, to eachother, and to me

They did'nt tell what they felt

They didn't even try to make process

Thex hate eachother

I thought marriage was something pure

Or atleast i thought that when i was little

Now i just feel like the wedding is a lie, beautiful white, with music and food to lure you into thinking that this how it is and will be for married couples

It looks like ownership to me now

Owning someone, owning eachother

"Marriage is a trap" hahaha so funny

I hated that joke, because it was always against women, making man victims

I don't think any of them are victimss

I think they are liars

They say they have hope

But that's not hope, that is a lie

Thinking things will change after a marriage is a really stupid move

I obviously don't talk about those who don't think like that

If I ever want to have a family

I can not become like them

Or I will make a mistake like they did

And bring a child into the world accidentally

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

I'm hearing my mom argue w my dad

I feel too old to be hurt about this but i can't help myself

I'm 21 attending uni from home

It wouldn't really make sense to rent an apartment: it's expensive so i would have to work and study at the same time, and I'm not sure i could manage all that rn, and we don't live so far from the place anyways

Anyways I heard her voice going kinda wobbly

She sounded like she was on the verge of crying

It's bc my dad has a lover, and she dropped him off infront of our house

Mom was upset bc they spoke about her a lot

About the other women

I hated my dad for it, but my mom told me a few things that made me just sour about the whole thing

I won't make excuses for cheating, like ever, but i know my mom isn't really well either and it took a toll on my dad

I'm only writing this because i feel like i believe in love less and less

The more i know about my parents, the less i believe in true love

I guess I'm the romantic type, i just like to deny it

You will never catch me admitting it, unless i really feel like i want the other person to know

I kinda believe in acts of affection (or idk how u write it xd) rather than words

Words still mean a lot to me tho, it's just not the usual stuff I guess

Random things hit me harder or make feel warmer

I'm trying to be hopeful

But I'm avoiding people

I fear rejection

I fear hatred

I fear that I am unloveable

I am afraid of being insufferable

I am afraid that people see a lot of wrong in me and they just don't tell me so I am going around clueless

I don't expect everyone to love me

I don't like every person I meet either

I don't like to be the enemy tho

My head makes be believe sm bullshit

I'm fighting myself everyday

I am actually better at it

I started to like my face better

Like my body too

I still want to exercise

Not for a summer body

But for the childish dream i still have: being cool girl

Cool in the means of looking cool

Idc what counts as cool in the matter of personality

My personality is annoying to me but i still love myself a little bit or like moderately

I'm trying

I have the headphones i got for christmas from them on

It's kina funny

They are noise cancelling so i can't hear them

I liked to listen to them when is was little

Like is not a good word, more like i felt it was neccesary

I wanted to know what was happening around me

I don't know if other familes are like this

In highschool I liked to joke around in my head, calling them rommates (not room but living mates or how do i say it...ppl u rent an aparent together with)

I saw my dad at night coming home from work (or as i got know later, maybe from the woman) and my mom was home working always

I didn't think of my parents badly

But my mom once said that "i probably don't want to end up like them"

I don't remember when was the last time i really thought about what i want to end up as

Like seriously

I somehow felt i don't have a future

I had this belief that I will die in some accident like in a tiny one

Just whoosh erased from earth

I don't know why i felt that way but i believed it kinda and i wasn't uncomfortable with it

I thought about it matter of factly, calm, neutral

I will not get old

I will die before 30 for sure

Like that

It wasn't a decision or anything, just felt like that was my fate

I hope I will see more clearly in the future

I hope I am able to love

To give love and to recieve it

To have a healthy relationship

I really really hope i can manage to be in one once

I fear love because of (1 rejection and hate like I said before)

2 because when i lose a friend my heart breaks really hard

I can't get my head away, and I'm anxious without a stop

I have the blackhole in me

If love breaks my hearth more than that

Idk if it's safe for me

Yet atleast

I'm trying to strenghten myslef

I have too much fear in my

I hate fear

But i also hate the absence of fear

When i give up and there is nothing

At times like that fear atleast motivates me, moves me

But when emptiness fills me

I have a hard time afterwards

I probably misspelled a bunch of shit but

It's not cryptic so it counts

I am working on myself

Even when it feels like I'm stagnating

Atleast I can mever be clueless about the things i learned so far

So I'm trying:)

I actually like this one better nowadays:]

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

We made up w my friend

I feel kinda ashy but I'm trying my best to not to overthink

So far I took control about my brain so I actually feel like i can manage my self better

And these issues too

Im still a bit hurt about the things she said

But she never said things like that before and she said it in a manner too that i know was overthinking too

She probably knew it was bullshit when she wrote it, but we were roo deep on a really dumb fight

Anyways im glad we got trough that

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

It's been a day since you said you give up. I guess you meant give me up, give our friendship up. You even told me to write to you if i need work for money. I never went there for purely money. I could've easily found better places with higher pay and easier work. I went there because of you. I was there on days when you weren't there too, and i always wrote on those days to you. I wanted to see the place you work at too. It was a little heads up on what's going on with you, with the team you work with. You saying that made question how you think of me again. I feel naive for thinking that you knew I would never use you like that. I tell you I miss you more than to anyone, and it's not easy for me, but I always try to say these things. I feel the cringe to my core, but i know that if I don't say them you might not know that I do in fact love you. But ehwn you say thing like these, I don't know how you think of me. In my eyes you are almost perfect. I know you have troubles with your mental health and I wish I could help. But I gave you all that I knew I could, I can't always get you the way you want me too, I live through these things differently. I knew you expected me to get all of you, but I can't if you never tell me about them. And I never pushed you to tell me, I didn't have problem with waiting for you. It doesn't mean I didn't care, and I even told you this. So why are you saying this to me. You were right actually, it feels like punishment, because you left like that, and it's been only a day, but the uncertanity of you returning, our friendship ending kill me. More than 24 hours and I can't act like my normal self around others, I can not calm down, I find myself wondering if we will ever fix this again and aiógain. And I am afraid that it is up to you. I am here to talk, I told you, but you left. I don't know of you wrote those things out of spite on the moment, I can only hope. Ever since that day I feel the whole in my chest again, and it's huge. I can feel the cold air going through it. I am so tired. I really wish you loved me atleast half as much as you hate yourself.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

When my friends say something it always hits like 10x harder for me. I always thought that i will hold those opinions to my heart the closest because i love them the most.

This is why when you tell that you got tired of people not writing to you i feel like im being stabbed. I've been feeling bad because i don't know what to do. I love you, but when I ask what's wrong you don't tell me, and i say it's okay because i don't want to push you. I try to write, i try to keep the friendship we have because again, I love you. I feel hurt. I don't want ro be "right" and i don't want you to be "wrong", i want to talk, i want to be friends, i want to be someone you let in.

I'm far from perfect, but I'm still trying. Why is that not enough? And when I tell you that it felt bad that you said that, and that it hurt me, why are you making yourself the a villain ? I never meant that in any way. Do I not have the right, to tell you how I feel aswell? I don't want to make this about myself either. I want this to be about us. I want to keep talking.

And then you stopped reading again. I know you're active still, and you probably read my messages in the notification while not opening them. I'm left alone again.

You saying you give up, made me terrified. I didn't just cry, i was shaking, my nose was running and at the end my head hurt from crying that much.

I know you have it hard, you've telling me for a while. I told I'm there to talk, but I won't force you. I waited for you, i waited days for you to respond to simple texts about how it might be a great idea to call eachother every other week, because i don't feel like we talk enough. What else do you want me to do? I have issues too, I cannot carry the whole friendship on my back. And I know you don't want me to either.

I wish we could talk honestly, instead of this. I don't want you to view me as you did today. You know well, that that is not me.

It was so hard to calm down.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Sometimes i wish for a quick accidental death.

No warning; just zooom a car or a train hitting me. I know those aren't the best, because there would be people feeling guilty over my death. But something fast, like a lightning or anything, that could just zap me out of existence.

I usually feel like this when I'm tired. Wishing to be reborn as a tiny bee or animal, with no existential questions.

I try not to take myself too seriously tho

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Okay so... things changed

I got to know somethings that made me realize what i was doing with my life aswell

I'm not saying it's a Disney happy end but i am definietly doing better

It's still hard to face things but I feel like I'm slowly growing stronger, healing

Wish me luck I'll try my best going forward

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Hell yeah a new year

So what's gonna change? I don't feel like anything will. And I know this because i tried. I'm always the one saying hi hello what's up how are you, you okay and things like that. Sending memes to spark a conversation. I recieve back things like this too but only from a few and rarely. People I love who slowly move on, are forgetting about me from time to time. I feel awful. I don't feel real. I don't know what to do. What's the point? Am i even capable of love? Am I selfish? Is it normal to feel this slight loneliness no matter who I am with? I hoped that this was only some teenage depression but... I grew older and it's worse. I used to love studying. I still kinda do but it's hard to actually start and keep doing it. I lost my goal, so it just feels sorta pointless. But I know I have to. I have to grow up. No one told me it's like this. Maybe it's different for others. I don't know but I really wish this new year could easy my pain. Pain? What is even this? I don't even know how to describe it. Anyways I really wish this would stop. I am so tired of always trying to lift myself up but getting beaten down again and again.

I am so tired of everything.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

I want to fucking die finally

Not die

Just stop existing

Without anyone remembering or missing me

I don't want to cause pain

But I constantly cause pain for myself

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Yesterday I cut my fingers. Not like accidentally but rather like each and everyone of them multiple times. I know it's bad and I know this is not the answer when dealing with pain but... They talked until 12:30 yesterday and I listened to all of it.. Maybe I shouldn't have. With each word this bittersweet feeling grew bigger and bigger inside of me. I felt like the whole in my chest was slowly disappearing these days but yesterday it grew so big I felt like I became hollow completely.

And I chose to use physical pain to get my mind a bit further away from the other pain in my heart. But I know it's dumb. There is a reason why I threw away all my blades years ago. It felt good to forget about the fact that I used to use them. But even though they weren't there, sometimes they crossed my mind as a solution. Never in the end-it-all kind of way. Only the physical pain kind of way. It made the things real. I woke up the next day and saw the little cuts and remembered. Yes this is reality. Not a dream. Not a nightmare. But still I chose to stay away from them. Yes they were always hanging there in the back of my mind but I was really good at ignoring it and just saying to myself "You're not stupid. Don't be stupid."

But yesterday somehow crossed a line. I felt like I was stabbed in the back. And that part of me that always said "No" grew weaker, so the other part that said "Just tiny cuts you're not a baby it will heal just fine. Do what you will to keep them a bit more out of your head." won.

And I went to the bathroom. Looked into the mirror and felt the dreamlike feeling again. Is this a nightmare? I've always had weird dreams, this could be one of them. I knew it wasn't a dream. But I still didn't feel real. "What is even real?" was the dumb question in my head, and I grabbed the head of a razor on my way back to my room. It was easy to take apart.

They were talking and I started to cut the tiny cuts. There should be atleast one cut on each. If it doesn't bleed i do it again. Finished. Ten tiny cuts. But why not make it 20? So there is a cut in the upper and downer parts of my finger too. Done. Oh, that one is not bleeding. Again. When the cuts were done I made a fist out of my hand and felt the cuts open up a bit more. I felt the pain from all of them at the same time.

When I put down the razor I realized my hands were quiet ugly. Each finger with 2 or more tiny cuts. I felt disappointed in myself. Not just because they looked "ugly". I knew I was better than this.

Today when I woke up I saw the cuts. I knew even before that, that yesterday was real. A new reality again. Felt like shit but I know I can overcome it. I make my usual shitty jokes to that one friend I told about all of it. It will be bittersweet, but slowly with time it will feel like just a really bad joke that happens to be true. That's about it.

My hands hurt but just a little bit. Stingy feeling. Reminds me of what I should not do. Hopefully I wont do that again.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Currently listening to my dad telling my mom he cheated on her. Asmr style cause they think i can't hear it like that...but like

Our house is simple. There is only one floor. And my room is next to the livingroom diagonally... My door is open.

I kinda get my "family" now

I always wished for a sibling but right now atleast I'm the only one who hears and feels all this bullshit.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

Well, well guess who's sick?

Yep its a me...no wonder I was so under the weather the other day.

Drinking my orange teas helps a lot tbh.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

I really thought i was an extrovert....or atleast that's what the school psychologist told me in high school, even though i was really sure, that I was an introvert.

But now here I am at uni and at the beginning I thought I have prettttty cool social skills and I got this, but now...

I don't know anymore.

I have like 5 or 6 people I talk to and I only meet them when I have classes w them. Like 1 or 2 people for each day.

And I see all the others talking in circles before and after classes, I hear the fun stories they share about the pub they went to together last friday and I realise that I'm actually not that social.

I find it impossible to just join these circles.

They feel like VIP clubs for the ones that actually deserve to be part of it.

And my friends from highschool keep telling me it will get better, but I know it depends on me actually trying harder....but the ones I'm talking to were hard to talk to too at first..

I thought I did a good job, but then I looked up to see everyone achieving the same things way better and at ease like it was something natural, easier than breathing.

I know I'm beeing dramatic.

I know it probably will be a atleast a bit better later on (i mean i hope it will get better).

But it's devastating.

I feel broken at times like these.

Anyways I hope I didn't scare anyone with this. I'm fine, it's just that I'm tired and I had classes with the people I know the least. It was really obvious to me during the whole thing that I wasn't as close to them as they were with each other.

If you actually read it this far, I don't know what to say...

I'll tell you a fun fact about me, that only you know, who read my ramblings about anxiety.

I really like orange tea. Add a spoon of honey and a bit of lemon juice and tadaaa, a nice cup of tea. I have multiple favs but today this tea brought me peace, so thank you orange tea:)

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

do you

do you do this too?

I have to make a decision that will define my next 2 years probably, but I don't know what to choose. I need to wait a bit for someone to reply to me so I can actually fill out the document with my decision on it.

and. my. head. wants. to. panic.

but I'm incredibly calm.

Or atleast I feel like it, because I listen to dumb music to make my anxiety thoughts go away.

Shit like Two trucks from Lemon Demon.

So here I am mumbling "Two trucks having sex" while making actually important decisions. I swear I'm an adult (barely tho).

So yeah the question is, wheter you do dumb stuff to make your anxiety or bad thoughts go away.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

brainthings

HI, I'm W and I want to share my thoughts with you. My chaotic, melancholic, random thoughts.

Sometimes shower thoughts,

sometimes bad grammar,

sometimes depressing,

but it's all me.

I'll try my best to keep this blog updated, but I can't promise anything. I really just need a space where I can put my thoughts outside of my head for a bit.

I like to talk to people so if you want to chat it's fine by me.

I guess that's all, bye for now:)