Wait{in(g)} @waitingin - Tumblr Blog

I used to write a lot more. It’s a lot of effort. Writing would help me reflect on what I thought. Forced me to slow down and think clearly and with purpose. Reading it back would help provide answers. I’ve stopped looking for answers. There is no point...

I get invited to do things. I was supposed to go to a Halloween party with friends. I’ve known about it for over a month. I just laid in bed watching the group chat scroll in their preparation. It makes me sad.

My family invited me over for dinner. I never responded to them. Never said I’d come and never said I wouldn’t. I intended to go but I didn’t...

Today I stayed in bed. Usually I’d play video games or create designs. Maybe I’d read up on something interesting. No I stayed in bed. I watched videos and told myself I was shit for doing anything fun if I didn’t go see anyone. I mean they invited me. All I had to do was leave my bed...

I’m sad. I am saddest when I fail. I force myself to reflect on why I am not interacting. I don’t play games I just lay there. Just let me sleep. I wish everyone would forget me. I wish I didn’t exist. One day I won’t but that’s not the same as never existing. I will wait patiently for existence to run its course. It doesn’t matter when it ends... it’s all pointless...

#ref 10

I want a female conversation partner. I mean I have cappy but I don't want to bug her. She is having a good time right now and I'll be there if it ends but I'd rather it not. Regardless I'm bored...

Journal #2

I've got a rule for these journals. If I do not finish the one I start I sign it, date it, and start a new one the next day or whenever I start the next one. Also, if I post said journals I'll put the journal number whenever I please (but probably in the tags as the first tag, because I will use title for other things…). Don't judge. Anywho, can I talk about self image? I have an argument for self image/worth. If we place our self worth (which I believe defines our image) in how others perceive us then making sure others see us in a good light is our goal. It gives others power over us. The problem is we don't know how they perceive us. They could lie to us and we'd be none the wiser. So our worth is not determined by how others see us but how we think they do. If we are doing that then our self worth is literally how we view ourselves through the imaginary lense through others perspectives. I'd like to argue now that this is terrible idea. Our self worth should come from us alone and not from a stupid. Interestingly enough I didn't follow the rule on finishing these. So here's the post date 1-12-17

#journal 2 #broken rules

It's curious that I continue to look for ways to be alone. I don't want to be alone. The thing I want is a new environment. A place that allows me to either find a new conversation companion, or a way to become comfortable with loneliness. I'll flip that coin. A light to converse or the abyss of thought. Gotta work on my syntax. Assuming I use that correctly. I've noticed that once I'm alone I pursue ideas that will preserve my lack of interaction with others. Some interactions end up driving me from future ones. Also, what's with my resentment of late? I don't need this. No one has done me significant wrong. Why do I get defensive? It's stupid. Food for thought.

#ref 8

Journal #1

Serendipitous is a word. I'll get back to that. Idk how much I want to write or draw I just feel like I should use my time more… more of my time should be used productively. Idle thought I get plenty of , and entertainment is useful for entertaining me but I'm good at doing that myself tbh. I want to talk to someone. Problem is, the one person I want to talk to is too happy. She doesn't deserve to be burdened with me. I need someone fresh, someone who isn't involved and needs a distraction from their own life. I need someone to focus on me… maybe I don't but it's what I want. I'm not depressed I'm alone. Alone by choice and I don't know why I don't want to open up to anyone. Well I do and it's because they have prejudice. Two kinds of prejudice. The kind they demonstrate and the kind I impose. Problem is it's hard for me to tell the difference so I need someone who has no imposed prejudice. Imposed by me that is. Why does it have to be a girl. I mean, why does the person have to appear to have a vagina? And in person? You don't put a shit worth of effort into any of this You'll always remember me. Maybe that's all I want… I love you. I don't need to be with you to know that. I don't need to be the one that is with you forever. I honestly think it's better we went this route in life instead. But I will always love you and it'll be enough if you just remember me. Serendipity, who'd think such a conditional occurrence would make me feel happy. Thank you Emilie and thank you strange coincidence. 9:11 1-4-17

#Journal 1

I am allowed to have fun and I don't loath myself for enjoying myself with my family. It's just that when it's over I'm reminder that it was a distraction. I was in a bad mood when I went in, I recovered (alcohol probably helped) and I was fine till I was left alone. I had a weird moment when I was in the bathroom (after I finished my 3rd and final drink) that life should feel this good all the time. but at the same time I knew it was an undeserved feeling for no accomplishments under the influence of a drug. I knew there would be a climb down and now I just finished that climb. Also I'd like to point out I'm a selfish bastard. Just look at how many times I start a sentence with the word "I." Like, god dude get someone else to talk about. Oh oh, that's something I'd like to talk about. I know for a fact that it'd be easy for me to meet a girl and talk to them. I just don't put any effort into it. Need to find myself a hang out spot away from family. TL;DR I had alcohol, felt fine and crashed. Now back to not being miserable but being self conscious of my shortcomings. My lack of effort and my continuing loneliness.

#ref 7

I have the stupidest irony. I don't want to talk to anyone I know... most of them anyways (there are always a few exceptions). I want someone new. Why? Idk I don't want someone I can trust I want someone who is uninvolved in my life. I know that means everyone but I know but I still want to talk to someone hence my irony. Preferably a she, cause I've noticed I'm the most alone when I don't have a consistent lady friend to talk to. Idk why it satisfies my need for conversation better then guys do but it's dumb. I like strangers cause I get along with them... I should really get out more >.>

#ref 6

I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be accountable to someone. I don't want to have someone rely on me but I want someone who will always be there for me. I want companionship, sex, comfort, and to no longer be alone without the effort needed to really accomplish this... I am not a poet.

#ref 5

Im stuck in an irony of gah. Idk. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. But I don't want to be in conflict with someone. I don't want to push Emilie away by being too needy and I promised to never talk to my past interests. I actually almost broke that recently. I don't have a person to talk to... I mean really talk to. To explain that I want live for who I am. A hopeless asshole who only cares about himself after he gets bored with you... I wish I could talk to you. I love you. Not like a lover but as a friend. I wish I could rely on you like you did on me. Maybe you didn't actually rely on me and you overcame your sad and lonely pain without needing me. Idk but I'm tired. No one actually knows who I am and I am alone...

#ref 3 #ref 4

Idk what I'd do without you Emilie. You're not a significant part of my life right now but when my brain starts experimenting with losing Someone you're the only one I'm truly afraid to lose. With you there isn't an after life for me. Why though? I'm not sure I ever expected you to still be here... I tried hard to keep you around but I should have done a much better job. I do hope it was enough.

I think I'm fine. Just a bad day? Idk I'm getting lonelier I feel like. I don't have one true unconditional friend and that's my fault. Hopefully soon I find them... let's be honest it'll be her or a really convincing distraction. You're going to run out of those eventually though...

#ref 2

Still Clever :D

#ref 1

Oh boy are you a sight to see

Glad that literally no one follows this. I'd like it if people did but no one knows me here. Talk about safe space? Anywho I'm reviving this for my super specific and also general complaints towards my mental states and outside factors. Yay

Weird.

I thought my life meant something. Maybe it still does. Probably not.

Look,

it is really too early to be active or is it too late? Time is relative only to what you are trying to accomplish. If time doesn't exist then who is to say you goal does either?

Awake,

yet there is only Darkness. The Voice continues searching, looking for an opening in my sector of sympathy in order to gain its desired attention but to no avail. It must reconnect with the Conscious. It know the Conscious exist... It has to.

It has begun.

I heard it again. That familiar sound. It is a constant in my life. I push it back and back to work.

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