High school!AU Kureinen based on how much of a disaster bi I was in college lmao. I may or may not have said this to a cute girl in an attempt to flirt (I will neither confirm nor deny). This whole thing is a shitpost so be warned
(Attempting to put a read more because I wrote this whole thing on mobile in like an hour but let me know if it doesnโt work and Iโll edit it on desktop tomorrow. Also I promise the beach fic and the nonbinary fic arenโt abandoned)
โIโm pretty sure pigeons are immortal,โ Jake says as he sits down at the table. Danton doesnโt question it; itโs not the first time heโs brought a new conspiracy theory to discuss over lunch with no prior context.
โOh, yeah?โ Charlie says.
Jake nods. โThink about it. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?โ
โAnd have you ever seen a dead pigeon?โ
โWell, there you have it, pigeons are immortal,โ Jake concludes.
โThatโs ridiculous!โ Charlie shouts, earning him a look from a nearby teacher. He apologizes, then turns to Matt. โMatt, tell Jake heโs being ridiculous.โ
โI dunno, he might have a point,โ Matt says after he finishes his bite of sandwich.
โWell, Iโve never seen a baby pigeon or a dead pigeon, either. And I swear Iโve walked by the same three pigeons every day for the last ten years on my way to the bus stop.โ
โSee, he gets it!โ Jake says. Matt just smiles.
โDanton, youโre not falling for this madness, are you?โ Charlie asks him. Danton, however, has tuned out of the conversation in favor of watching a certain hockey player getting his lunch across the cafeteria.
As much as his friends tease him about it, Danton will never admit to having... feelings for him. So he finds himself staring at him whenever he can, hoping he wonโt get caught. So he has a mini heart attack every time they do make eye contact. That doesnโt mean he has a crush, right?
(โPeople donโt get mini heart attacks platonically, Danton,โ Charlie once told him. Danton wanted to argue, but found he couldnโt, so he changed the subject instead.)
Danton snaps out of his thoughts and turns back to the table. โWhat was the question?โ he asks.
โSo you donโt respond to your name but you do respond to โFrog?โโ Jake laughs.
โNothing to be sorry for,โ Matt says. โCharlie was just wondering if you agreed with him.โ
โBut if youโd rather watch your boyfriend...โ Charlie teases.
โHeโs not my boyfriend,โ Danton corrects him. Unfortunately, he thinks to himself, and wait, what? Where did that come from?
โYeah, because you wonโt talk to him!โ
โYeah, but you donโt.โ
โOkay, but... never mind,โ Danton shakes his head. โWhat am I agreeing with Charlie on?โ
โPigeons,โ Jake supplies.
โWhat about pigeons?โ
โAre pigeons immortal?โ Jake repeats.
โFinally, someone with some sense around here!โ Charlie yells, earning him another look from the teacher.
โCome on, Danton, have you ever seen a baby pigeon?โ Matt asks.
Danton pulls his phone out of his backpack and opens Google. He types in โbaby pigeon,โ then clicks on the first picture. He shows it to the group.
โNow I have,โ he says.
Jake takes a long look at the picture before looking back at Danton. โI donโt believe you,โ he deadpans.
Charlie just laughs. โReply of the century!โ he says, still laughing.
Danton goes to put his phone back in his backpack, but sees him at his usual nearby table and stops. Matt quickly picks up, following Dantonโs gaze and sighing.
โJust go talk to him,โ Matt says, causing Danton to flinch.
โYou just said yourself you could talk to him,โ Charlie adds. Jake nods in agreement.
โDo it before I call him over here and make you,โ Charlie threatens.
Danton knows itโs not an empty threat (heโs done it before), so he just sighs and accepts it. โWhat do I say?โ
โYou guys are in the same math class, right?โ Matt asks. Danton nods. โAsk about the homework, then. Itโs some good common ground.โ
โOr you could ask him his stance on pigeon immortality,โ Jake offers.
โYeah,โ Charlie agrees, โthatโs more of a second date question.โ
โLook, just go, lunch is almost over,โ Matt points at the clock.
Danton takes a breath. โOkay,โ he says. โIโm going.โ He stands up and makes the short walk over to his table. He looks back at his own friends, who are all giving him the thumbs up, before turning back. He takes another deep breath.
โUhh,โ he says elegantly.
He turns around, and oh. Here goes the mini heart attack, Danton thinks.
โHi?โ Sean asks, and oh, right, talking.
โUhh,โ Danton says again, his mind racing to find anything at all, but it seems to be completely blank.
โDo I know you? Oh, wait, youโre in my math class, right?โ
Danton nods, thanking himself for not freezing completely.
โI thought so,โ Sean says. โHave you done the homework yet? I didnโt understand it at all.โ
Danton realizes that, no, he hasnโt done the homework. He hasnโt even looked at it yet. There goes his conversation starter.
โUhh, no,โ he says truthfully. โI havenโt.โ
โAw, darn. Well, Iโll ask Mr. Krejci about it. Anyway, what did you need?โ
Danton is panicking at this point. He didnโt have a backup plan for if the homework thing didnโt work out. Unless...
โDo you want to see a picture of a baby pigeon?โ he blurts out.
One of Seanโs friends snorts. Sean looks surprised, but nods anyway. โSure,โ he says.
Danton, still panicking, goes to take his phone out of his pocket, and realizes itโs back in his backpack. At his own table.
โI forgot my phone,โ he admits.
Sean smiles like heโs about to laugh, and Danton knows he shouldnโt find it beautiful considering the circumstances, and yet, he does.
โWell, youโll have to show me next time, then,โ Sean says.
Danton nods. โOkay, yeah, next time.โ He nods again and turns around to head back to his table.
โBye, Danton, nice talking to you!โ Sean calls as heโs leaving. Danton feels the blush creeping on his face because he knows my name??? but also, the embarrassment of what just happened finally begins to set in.
โHowโd it go?โ Jake asks.
Danton folds his arms onto the table and lowers his head in response. Matt pats his back. โThat bad, huh?โ
Danton groans. โWhy am I so bad at existing?โ
โCome on, it canโt be that bad,โ Charlie says.
Danton lifts his head up. โI havenโt started the math homework yet,โ he says.
โSo, my conversation starter was useless.โ
Matt looks guilty. โSorry.โ
โWell, you were over there for a while,โ Jake says. โSo you must have been talking about something.โ
โI asked him if he wanted to see a picture of a baby pigeon.โ
Charlie and Jake both burst out laughing. Danton wants to sink into the floor.
โWell, did he?โ Matt asks.
โSo did you show him?โ
Danton lowers his head into his arms again. โI forgot my phone,โ he mumbles.
โWhat? I didnโt quite catch that,โ Charlie says.
He lifts his head up again and repeats, โI forgot my phone over here.โ
Jake, who had finally stopped laughing, starts again. โOh, Danton,โ he says. โYouโre a disaster.โ
โYeah, Iโm aware,โ Danton says. He looks up at the clock, wishing the bell would hurry up and ring, already. Thankfully, itโs only about another minute until he can be out of his misery. โHe said I can show him next time.โ
โHey, thatโs a good sign!โ Matt says encouragingly. โMentioning a next time is always good.โ
โShow him in a few minutes,โ Charlie suggests.
โWhatโs your next class?โ
