Walking on the borderline

**TRIGGER WARNING** This page may contain content which you might find triggering.

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Updatttteeeeeeeeee

I dont know where to start, ive been on venlafaxine for around 2 months now, and in that time my dose was doubled, and in 2 weeks its being trippled, i allways thaught i was a bit depressed, but my psychiatrist told me that my depression is like... chronic, i have chronic major depressive disorder, like fuck, thats like heavy on my soul... and the fact that i need to be medicated in order to even think about living is like such a burdon, when im out with friends i have to think about how im gunna take them, with my family same thing, its such a fucking burdon...

Anyway, with my mood disorder being treated, my psychologist is now able more to work with me with my BPD, which is good i guess, latley ive been struggeling massivly with my scars, summer is a massive trigger for me, and ive been having alot of urges... idk, i cant type anymore, bleh....

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

I dont feel good...

Uuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... when you wake up feel okay and one hour later have a major drop in mood... the past couple weeks have been okay, ive had major urges, spikes in emotions up and down, but i havent had any major incidents, yet...

I really hate myself, like i REALLY hate myself, i feel so fat, so ugly, so fucking disgusting, i can barley look in the mirror, i feel so ashaimed of myself when i am around family and stuff, i hate eating, i hate breathing, i hate collage, i seriously want to quit, the only reason i havent is because my mum paid for the course and id feel too guilty, even tho the past 2 weeks have been okay, i can feel my mood and bpd slipping, changing, i can feel the ride getting bumpy, i have been feeling more and more paranoied, my boyfriend had a hair on him the other day and it wasnt mine and i still am paranoied about whos it was, he calls me lazy all the time but i wish i could tell him that im forcing a smile, in forcing a laugh, im good at hiding my depression behind a smile, i played my family my whole life, i cant get up most of the time because my limbs feel like rocks, if he diddnt get me food and water i wouldnt eat or drink, im aware im rambelling now but idk, i just felt a dark, thick black wave of depression come over me and its as if someone turned out the lights in my world...

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Venlafaxine week one.

Its been around a week of taking my new meds, and im not really having any side effects appart from odd dreams and slight jaw clenching, not much else has happened in my life this week, just been chilling at home to ride out most of the side effects, which has helped alot with them.

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Any advice for psych med induced jaw clenching?...

So im on venlafaxine day 3, and the only real side effect that is bothering me is jaw clenching, my jaw feels very tight and strained, and my molers hurt from doing it, when im not moving my jaw it feels fine, but eating, yawning and talking are annoying to do, any advice would help!!

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Venlafaxine day 2.

Very little nausea, i took it with food this time, feeling a bit physically run down, not much appetite, jaw clenching when eating.

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Velafaxine day 1.

So after my overdose and the Propanolol not working for me, my psychiatrist decided i needed a new medication, she talked to me about other meds too but we decided we need to tackel my depressive moods first as that is probably the core of my insomnia, so i have tryed 3 anti depressants in the past, sertraline (zoloft) fluoxitine (prozac) and mirtazapine (remaron) i was on mirtazapine for the longest, that medication is only really prescribed to people with depressive disorder who also have severe insomnia, as it can be extreamly sedating, and on that med i honestly slept 9/10 no problems, but that med is also extreamly bad for weight gain.

So i was took off of it, and we had a 6 week period of withdrawing and seeing what i was like without it because my adult services team haddnt met me not on it, and fuck me it was bad.

So my doc prescribes me venlafaxine (effexor) and today was the first dose, i stupidly took it without food and i have a comprimised stumock lining because of gastric issues ive had, so 40 minnuts after taking it i was sick, but there was nothing in my tummy exept some acid, and even at that im on a difderent medication to reduse stumock acid because of my gastirc issues, so i was just vomiting a little acid and it was so painfull, i know its only been one dose but i have noticed i have alot of trouble not clenching my jaw, appart from that my tummy is still a bit sore from earlier but im okay, my amazing partner is taking care of me, i dont know what id do without him.

So venlafaxine day 1- jaw clenching, nausea, vomiting, slightly lathargic.

[poemswords]

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Every time i have an episode it feels like the mental eqlivilant of being burned alive...

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

I overdosed...

Let me begin this by saying i was NOT trying to end my life.

Anyway, 2 days ago i seen my GP, they gave me sleeping tablets to try and force my brain to stfu, i have a post on this i wrote that day, check it out, anyway, that night came, and i just snapped, one minnut i was trying to sleep and the next i couldnt controll myself, and i had sleeping tablets in my hand, i was about to take the last two when my boyfriend walked in, at this point i was dissosiated, i was laughing, and after that everything is very very foggy... i had a HUGE borderline episode... i just remember banging my head on the wall repeatidly, i was trying to knock myself out, my boyfriend was restraining me, i was crying, and just kept speaking noncance...

Im lucky that i have an amazing strong boyfriend who just rides out the episodes, keeping me as safe as he can untill ive returned to my head.

The next morning i called my gp and they were just asking me quiestions and contacting people to make sure i had no risk of any sort of toxixicy and that they diddnt have to bring me in.

Today i seen my psychologist, i told her what happened and she just talked to me about it, my head still hurts from banging it, and i still feel really fucking fucked up physically, and im having some memory issues. And i see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks.

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

I failed...

So after stopping my anti depressant medication, i was happy that i got off of it, i diddnt want to be on anything... but month of extreame anxiety, stress, tears and insomnia later, i had to see my GP, i was driving my boyfriend MAD, he has things to do early in the morning and here i am keeping him awake singing, talking, moving around, it just wasnt fair on him, so he practically made me see my gp, i explained to her that i had done everything humanly possobile to correct my sleep, but NOTHING worked, and she suggested sertraline (zoloft for all you yanks) but i have allready been on that years ago, and id rather not be on an anti depressant, so she prescribed me a medication specificaly for anxiety, which i am willing to try, and a weeks worth of sleeping tablets to try and force my brain to shut the fuck down.

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Does he actually give a fuck about me? NO.

Every cunt in my life has one way or another managed to make me feel like a huge massive burdon, and quite frankly my soul CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I asked my boyfriend to come to the gym and help me, to which he was like UGHHHHHHHH FINE.

GOD FORBID I ASK FOR HELP, HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT YOUR COLLAGE WORK TO THE SIDE FOR ONE HOUR WHILST WE GO TO THE GYM 5 MINNUTS AWAY?!?

I am seriosuly so fucking done my family went on holiday ON MY BIRTHDAY TO ORLANDO LAST YEAR, AND THEY FUCKONG BOOKED ANOTHER HOLIDAY AGAIN THIS YEAR WITH OUT ASKING ME!!!

So fucking what i moved out after telling them last year how deviatated i was and how much i love disney they GO AND BOOK PARIS DISNEY THIS YEAR!

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF EVERYONE NOT GIVING A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME, ABANDONING ME, AND IM SICK OF BEING EVERYONES BURDON.

[sublime-cinema]

Bpd often feels like having the emotional maturity of a toddler.

[oxazepams]

someone: *doesn’t text back in 5 minutes*

bpd: THEY WILL ABANDON-

me: shut up they’re just busy

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

Sleep, or lack of...

So ive allways had problems with sleep, be it nightmares, night terrors or insomnia, id have nightamares about being raped and kidnapped, id wake up screaming help, i dont really have that anymore...

But what i continue struggeling with is insomnia, i was on a medication that helped me sleep for about a year, and i did just that, i sleeping was pretty "normal", but about a month ago i decided to come off of it, and my insomnia is back with vengance...

I have honestly had insomnia for as long as i can remember, my whole life, and i have tryed EVERYTHING, sleey hygine, sleep training, teas, herbal stuff, avoiding screens, baths, you name it ive done it, and NOTHING helps...

The only thing that gives me relief is medication, and my gp has been reluctant to give me them in the past, i was only aloud 1 week worth of my meds at a time for months because they were scared i would overdose, and they obviously know my struggel with pain killers, so why on earth would they prescribe me more? My boyfriend wants me to make an apointment with my gp, it is a new gp and maybe they will have more options.

I really cant live like this, it is litterly torture, the night is endless, it was so nice for a whole year with minimal sleeping problems, but i cant go back to life before i started my meds, but i do not want to be on them again, i do NOT need it on top of all the other shit that goes on in my head...

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

To my boyfriend...

I have no idea why you do what you do for me, like i really dont deserve it, im extreamly difficult, i know i am...

I know its not nice seeing me cry, smashing things, banging my head, hurting myself, hating myself, i really do, and i will be in my death bed guilt ridden, i dont want to upset you ever, im just in pain, and the past week has been horrificaly challenging...

I have no idea where this seperation anxiety is comming from, i know i have a tendancy to blow extreamly hot and cold, and i either feel extreme affection or hatred for people, but i havent ever had this bad anxiety surrounding my partner simply going to college, it honestly feels like when you leave that ill never see you again, i want to grab you and dig my heels in, everytime you leave it honestly feels like the last time, i feel so insanley lost, confused and alone when you leave, i really feel like ive been dropped in the middle of no where with no map, no water, no nothing, i feel like im trapped even tho i have keys and can technically go anywhere i like...

I really really really hate my diagnosis, it has braught piece of mind, and an explanation as to why my whole life has been so unstable, but besides that theres nothing good about it, i cant even say the words outloud, i want to, i try to sometimes when im alone but they wont come out, i feel like im living in denial, i want to come to terms with my illness, and learn to live with it, but how am i ment to do that when i cant even admit i have it?

Back to the point, i really dont deserve you, like really, i know my suffering brings you suffering too, i know its hard trying to work and what not when youve spent all night awake with me comforting me, i know its hard that i might not be on great terms with your family and havent even met some of them yet, but its not because i dont want to, my anxiety is just too bad...

I hope you know what under my illness, i am a decent girlfriend, who is loving and caring and has nothing but love for you, its just that my illness has been in controll of me more than i am it, im tierd of fighting it, im exhausted, i dont have the enerjy to fight it right now, which is why ive been so heavly relying on you so much latley, because i just need all the reasurance, strength and love i can get and being in your arms makes me feel a million times better, when im there, you have me, my illness doesnt have me, you protect me from me, i guess thats why i feel so so devistated when you leave....

I hope this makes at least some sence, idk, nothing really makes sence, the only thing that makes sence to me latley is that i need you, all of you, all the time, unrealistic i know, but idk what else to say...

I love you <3x

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

What the FUCK is wrong with me...

I cannot for the life of me get a controll on my emotions and moods, i cannot fucking sleep, ive broke down like every day, i have fucking horrific seperation anxiety, i feel paranoied, abandoned, lost, alone, and i feel like a compleat fucking burdon...

I relapsed with painkillers... i found them, intended on flushing them but u couldnt, they spoke to me, they told me they would make the pain stop, but i had to take a double dose to even feel anything, and when i woke, i had the worste codine hangover ever. I cant type anymore, i cant cope

[walkingontheborderline-blog]

I feel so stupid...

I feel so fucking alone, the minnut i wake up alone or my partner leaves for work, my mind is full of paranoia and fear, i physically know that in order to maintain a home and in order to eat and be warm that he needs to go to work, i get that, i logically dont have a problem with that, but the poorly part of my brain dosnt, it tells me that he isnt actually going to work, that hes going to see another girl, and that he only goes to work to get away from me, i cant even ask him how his day was because if he says it was good then that just fuels the "see i knew he would have a better day with out me" thaughts, of course i logically want to know he had a good day but my poorly side just takes over. I honestly feel so so so soooooo abandoned, i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel like a compleat burdon, its exhausting, its painfull, i try to distract myself but its useually at times like this i resort to self harm...

You know how people with Anorexia refer to their ED as Ana?, self harm is like that for me, i know it will allways be there for me, it wont ever leave me, it cant because its inside of me, it will allways be there when i need it, i cant live with out it.

Its like a boyfriend who abuses you, treats you badly, and everyone is telling you to leave them and that they are horrible, but you cant, because as much as thats true, you NEED him...

Idk, im aware of how messed up that soundes, i just, i dont know...