sometimes in college i would lay in bed at night silently crying and having a whole ass panic attack over the idea that a plane could hypothetically crash into my dorm building & instantly kill me, and like my roommate would just be asleep like 5 feet away
wow juuuust as i was getting an unpleasant feeling that this is too public a platform for what i really need i open the app to the most cringey follow from someone i met on omegle when i was 14 years old (i am currently between 25-29). like cool im gonna lay in the middle of the road now. you can’t see this because you’re blocked now but getcho 36year old ass out of my diary thank u very much ughh i feel violateeddddd (again!)
day 29 and i’m grateful it’s all behind me. all of the bullshit from my preteens, college, morgan, and afterwards. honestly life has been unkind to me in many ways, and i’m pretty much spent my pre-teens to 26 being severely depressed, suicidal, lost, flailing around miserably, trying to find happiness in myself which i struggled to do, and in others which i also failed to do. but in just as many ways that life has been unkind to me, i have been blessed. and now at the ripe age of 28 i have a career that provides for me, enough money in the bank that i could live off of for years, have friends who care about me, finally got things right with babin, have traveled to multiple countries and been on beautiful vacations that filled my soul with joy, repaired my relationship with my family, and share 5 cats with the love of my life, emily (more on that soon). i have recently decided i want to pursue graduate school and advance in my career, so give it 5 years but trust me by 2030 i will have a doctorate degree. things are looking up for me. life will never be easy but it will always be worth it. and for that, day 29, i am grateful.
you know, i’ve never really felt called to address you before. i’m not sure i was ever stable enough to until now. i’ve spent so much of the past three years hating you. it comes so naturally to me. i’ve tried to find the empathy but i just can’t.
three years. that’s how long it’s been, according to my camera roll… - not that i have any pictures of you any more, they were deleted, very slowly, and then all at once. i can never remember exactly when we broke up but i can always remember it was in january. christmas had just passed.
i feel an inclination to tell you about me, three-years-post-you version. but as i began i had an even stronger inclination to not share any of myself with you at all. even a conservative update feels too intimate, or vulnerable. maybe i don’t want you to know anything about me now. maybe i like that about present-me. but also maybe the point of this address isn’t to sit here and spew vitriol or be withholding.
i’m actually not sure what the point of this address is, i just know i had the urge to draft something that i never felt the urge to draft before now. i’m not sure where it will go. for all i know i’ll stop mid sentence soon.
morgan…. i just don’t know what to say.
i….
you’re….
whatever. i just broke no contact by watching your tiktoks. you had popped into my mind, bc i frequently reference your “first threesomes now crack” tweet and was dying laughing. sister, your downfall after our breakup should have been studied. i mean let’s be honest, no one wants to see their ex glow up after a break up. you gave me so much more... you got fired from your job. you got arrested. you had an inpatient stay. you got the worlds worst haircut. you had to move back to denham springs, to live with your parents no less. your parents who you detested at the time and had been no contact with for months. you posted a million ludicrous fucking tiktoks a day, many filled with lies and vitriol and just plain slander about me. it hurt, my god did it hurt but also it was soooo obvious that i was the glue holding you together for so long. i could feel it, the fatigue, from keeping you well enough to assimilate into society. that’s really how i saw it. and as your post-break up descent into madness intensified, all i could feel was.. validation.
i think in a different world i would have felt worried, concerned. empathetic. i’m not an evil person for christ sake, i like to think i would’ve tried to help you. but you made our ending so scorched earth, sleeping with my friend, all the abuse allegations, not to mention the last year of our relationship. so yeah. i felt validated because i was reeling after pouring all of myself into you for years with never an emotional need of my own fulfilled.
i don’t know the details of your life now, nor do i care to. it does seem you have a boyfriend now and i couldn’t tell you how indifferent i feel about that. i hope you have a nice life together. i do not wish eternal misery on you.
i’ve come quite a long way. so much therapy. so much hurt, and betrayal, and sleepless nights, and crying myself to sleep, and loneliness. that’s what the first year after our breakup felt like to me.
but things got better, as i knew they would. and life is good for me, better honestly than i ever could have imagined.
morgan, i want too forgive you but i know you’re not sorry. i know in your head you are but a victim. or at least that’s the narrative you pushed in your some-3000 tiktoks. unfortunately i think that’s the reality you live in, however i do wonder if secretly deep down you remember how things really were between us….
i think the lying about us is what hurt the most. the slander, rumors u had spread about me publicly on the internet. really really out of pocket things, like how i gave you STDs (i didn’t), didn’t pay our bills (i did) and a slew of “abuse” allegations that you had construed to fit your victim complex (like how me not wanting to have a threesome was just, to quote your tiktok “sexually repressive and controlling behavior” )
i’m going to try to mean what i’m about to say. whether or not i’m being genuine is questionable, but i’m gonna type something out and see how it feels:
i hope you were able to get the help you needed. it was very clear that, despite the narrative you were pushing, the year after we broke up was the worst of your life. (i talked to your mom, she was trying to call me for a wellness check. this was the morning you got arrested.)
anyway, it was probably the worst year of my life too, i would say.
i would like to extend grace to myself, and also to you.
we were young. we were stupid. we had no business getting engaged. or uhauling. or planning a wedding. or honestly probably being together at all after the first 5 months. i was in a mental health crisis too, and was diagnosed with pmdd promptly after we broke up, but that was just something that you never would have noticed because we were always focused on you. anyway, we fought all. the. time. as someone who is now grown and my brain is fully developed, i can’t believe i ever stayed in a relationship where there was just that. much. fighting. and that much neglect.
but unlike you, whom i truly believe have forgotten what it was actually like, i remember. i remember you loved me, and i loved you. more than anything. even through our toughest pits my friends would always say, “morgan will never ever leave you, she’s so obsessed with you, you would have to leave her.” i told them they were wrong, and in the end i was right. but i know we had good moments morgan, and it was in those moments where the love we shared for each other was so immense, so intense that it would sustain us through months of depression, misery, and second guessing our (my) life choices. there was love there. it was not all bad.
unlike you i can certainly acknowledge the role i played in our demise. i can. i am not in denial that, especially by the end, i had grown to hate you. i had stood by your side through so much bullshit, constantly neglecting my own well being to pour out of an empty glass, trying to keep you and me together, both individually and as a couple. i felt so betrayed by you , time and time again.… i want to get into specifics but im not even gonna go there, even in this very secluded and near-anonymous corner of the internet i’ve found myself on.
anyway morgan. you have caused me so much pain, pain it took over three years (and finding the love of my life) to get over. i am still scared to see you places. i am still scared that those videos you posted alternated the perception of me to people i care about.
i think one day i would like to forgive you. to be at peace with it all. have one of those “everything is a lesson” type moments where i can find gratitude because it made me who i am today.
today is not that day. i genuinely hope to never see you again. i hope that time is kind to both of us, and we can slowly forget the horror we put each other through. calling off our wedding was the single most intelligent thing i ever could’ve done for myself. i saved myself, in many ways, and you as well. so you’re welcome, and goodbye. have the life you deserve.
grateful for my health: im a relatively healthy person and im 30 years old (basically) and have never had any major health issues and like what a blessing that is, im trying not to take that for granted
grateful for my wealth: it is, to some, considerable. to others it is less considerable. but to me, it is a comfort. like my laptop off 10+ years died, i bought a new one - kinda hurt but really no probs, it had to be done, so i did it. same with my car: but it brand new 2024 and its gonna be paid off sometime in 2025. i am very fortunate enough to have a job where i get paid hourly, not salary, and there have been opportunities for me to really boost my income by traveling / working overtime.
grateful for my gre score: i have been so stressed studying for the GRE but really this is a retake and i already have a good score and that is a major comfort. 
grateful for my bed: after a very long day of parading to come home and have a big cup of water and lay in my bed and be asleep in like 2 minutes of being horizontal…. amazing feeling. though i will say last night i was so tired i was like… i feel like im not laying down hard enough lo
AAAAANNDDDDD very importantly, i am grateful i seem to have finessed myself a moms ball ticket. IT CAME WITH A PRICE OKAY but it was a price i have paid and now i just need to get my costume ready (supplies have been ordered) and also get my physical ticket (i will have anxiety until it is in my hand)
hahahahah morale is so low here hahahahah like i am not retaining anything i try to learn on magoosh hahah and im out of groceries hahaha and i have a very complicated relationship with my body and i have my entire life HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
day 27 i am grateful for mardi gras. seriously my favorite time of the year, my favorite holiday, til the day i die. it is so very special to me. new orleans forever and ever, amen.
went home and smoked weed and now i’m binge eating sushi in a quiet lil cafe covered in shadows and cute animal youtube montages on the tv like am i in heaven rn or what
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
areudirty
