When you are hurting, there will always be people who find a way to make it about themselves. If you break your wrist, theyāll complain about a sprained ankle. If you are sad, theyāre sadder. If youāre asking for help, theyāll demand more attention.
Here is a fact: I was in a hospital and sobbing into my palms when a woman approached me and asked why I was making so much noise and I managed to stutter that my best friend shot himself in the head and now he was 100% certified dead and she made this little grunt and had the nerve to tell me, āWell now you made me sad.ā
When you get angry, there are going to be people who ask you to shut up and sit down, and theyāre not going to do it nicely. Theirs are the faces that turn bright red before you have a chance to finish your sentence. They wonāt ask you to explain yourself. Theyāll be mad that youāre mad and that will be their whole reason alone.
Here is a fact: I was in an alleyway a few weeks ago, stroking my friendās back as she vomited fourteen tequila shots. āI hate men,ā she wheezed as her sides heaved, āI hate all of them.ā
I braided her hair so it wouldnāt get caught in the mess. I didnāt correct her and reply that she does in fact love her father and her little brother too, that there are strangers she has yet to meet that will be better for her than any of her shitty ex-boyfriends, that half of our group of friends identifies as male - I could hear each of her bruises in those words and I didnāt ask her to soften the blow when she was trying to buff them out of her skin. She doesnāt hate all men. She never did.
She had the misfortune to be overheard by a drunk guy in an ill-fitting suit, a boy trying to look like a man and leering down my dress as he stormed towards us. āFuck you, lady,ā he said, āFuck you. Not all men are evil, you know.ā
āThanks,ā I told him dryly, pulling on her hand, trying to get her inside again, āSee you.ā
He followed us. Wouldnāt stop shouting. How dare she get mad. How dare she was hurting. āItās hard for me too!ā he yowled after us. āWith fuckers like you, howās a guy supposed to live?ā
Hereās a fact: my father is Cuban and my genes repeat his. Once one of my teachers looked at my heritage and said, āYour skin doesnāt look dirty enough to be a Mexican.ā
When my cheeks grew pink and my tongue dried up, someone else in the classroom stood up. āYou canāt say that,ā he said, āThatās fucking racist. We could report you for that.ā
Our teacher turned vicious. āYou wanna fail this class? Go ahead. Report me. I was joking. Itās my word against yours. I hate kids like you. You think youāve got all the power - you donāt. I do.ā
Later that kid and I became close friends and we skipped class to do anything else and the two of us were lying on our backs staring up at the sky and as we talked about that moment, he sighed, āI hate white people.ā His girlfriend is white and so is his mom. I reached out until my fingers were resting in the warmth of his palm.
He spoke up each time our teacher said something shitty. He failed the class. I stayed silent. I got the A but I wish that I didnāt.
Here is a fact: I think gender is a difficult and personal topic and people that want to tell others what defines it just havenāt done their homework. I personally happen to have the luck of the draw and identify as female in a female body, which basically just means society leaves me alone about this one particular thing.
Until I met Alex, who said he hated cis people. My throat closed up. Iām not good at confrontation. I avoided him because I didnāt want to bother him.
One day I was going on a walk and I found him behind our school, bleeding out of the side of his mouth. The only thing I really know is how to patch people up. He winced when the antibacterial cream went across his new wounds. āI hate cis people,ā he said weakly.
I looked at him and pushed his hair back from his head. āI understand why you do.ā
Here is a fact: anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is how people stop themselves from hurting. Anger is how people stop themselves by empathizing.
It is easy for the drunken man to be mad at my friend. If he says āHey, fuck you, lady,ā he doesnāt have to worry about whatās so wrong about men.
Itās easy for my teacher to fail the kids who speak up. If weāre just smart-ass students, itās not his fault we fuck up.
Itās easy for me to hate Alex for labeling me as dangerous when Iāve never hurt someone a day in my life. But Iām safe in my skin and his life is at risk just by going to the bathroom. I understand why he says things like that. I finally do.
Thereās a difference between the spread of hatred and the frustration of people who are hurting. The thing is, when you are broken, there will always be someone who says āIām worse, stop talking.ā There will always be people who are mad youāre trying to steal the attention. There will always be people who get mad at the same time as you do - they hate being challenged. It changes the rules.
I say I hate all Mondays but my sister was born on one and sheās the greatest joy I have ever known. I say I hate brown but itās really just the word and how it turns your mouth down - the colour is my hair and my eyes and my favorite sweater. I say I hate pineapple but I still try it again every Easter, just to see if it stings less this year. Itās okay to be sad when you hear someone generalize a group youāre in. But instead of assuming theyāre evil and filled with hatred, maybe ask them why they think that way - who knows, you might just end up with a new and kind friend.
By telling the oppressed that their anger is unjustified, you allow the oppression to continue. I know itās hard to stay calm. I know itās scary. But youāre coming from the safe place and they arenāt. Just please ā¦ Try to be more understanding. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
"Here is a fact: anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is how people stop themselves from hurting. Anger is how people stop themselves by empathizing." ā I knew this, but I never consciously acknowledged it. Having this spelled out is so very important.
