An End to Book of Lex Volume 2
I know...I know, it's been awhile fellow readers. I haven't really felt the need to physically write a blog update for the past few months. I've noticed that I haven't been journaling as much too. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what the last real post was about. I for sure know that I'm transitioning into a new phase of my life. Starting with the beginning of 2026, I ended 2025 and started 2026 on a not so high note. I had my breaking point when it came to my relationship with my father. After crying over the awful emotionally manipulative voicemail he left me the day after Christmas, I told myself no more. I'm 29 years-old and a grown Woman; I'm no longer tolerating that type of behavior no more. I'm not about the that toxicity anymore. I told myself that I'm no longer allowing my Father Wound to fester and continue to get infected. So, I temporarily blocked him out of my life and I didn't feel guilty for my decision one bit. My grandmother may say otherwise, but I have to do what's right by me and do right by that inner little girl who always desired to have a REAL DAD in her life. I sat on it for a fews months and mailed the letter I wrote to my father about how I feel about him and how I felt about our father-daughter relationship over the years. This isn't the first time I've wrote a letter like the one I recently sent him. It seems like my message actually resonated with him this time.
He's text messages remind me of a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend begging me to forgive him. I will say I released any resentment I had towards him. I'm no longer angry when I do think about him. I feel the disappointment gradually flowing away. I forgive my father because I'm not coming from a place of hurt. Instead, I'm coming from a place of compassion and understanding. With the help of my mental health and spiritual life coach, it CLICKED that my father hasn't addressed his own father and mother wounds caused during childhood and adolescence. Once he addresses the wounds, I feel like we can have a healthy relationship. I'm not sure if it will ever be a close relationship. I pray for the best. Also, as a 29 year old woman and reaching my 30s, I'm not sure what type of relationship I want with my own father. I want him involved in my life. I just don't know how I want my father to show up for me. With time, I believe God will show me the vision of how I want my father to show up in my life.
Dealing my father, I also had to deal with my brother and our mother coming to blow. I totally feel like him blowing up on her came out of nowhere. From my POV, I believe those in the Carter family have an issue with stubbornness, I feel like that is playing a role blocking my brother and our mother mending and healing their mother-son relationship. I don't what occurs underneath my brother's roof, I hope those issues didn't play a role in him disrespecting his own mother and allowing his SO disrespecting his mother. I feel sad for my mother and her grandchildren. Because of miscommunication, she can't enjoy her grandchildren like before. I hope the grandchildren know that their grandmother will always love them it doesn't matter what's going between her and their parents. I will say THERAPY IS A BLESSING and there's nothing wrong having a therapist. That's all I'm saying. Maybe I'm not the only person needing to heal their parent wounds. I'm praying from time to time on the right time to have a heart to heart with my mother. I feel like our relationship has better boundaries, but there/s some other things that need to be addressed like the lack of emotional support I needed growing up.
I think April is sexual assault awareness month, I could be wrong, either way I'm going to speak on it. I since February, I've been dreaming and thinking about my own experiences of SA. I AM A SURVIVOR OF CHILDHOOD SA AND A COLLEGE SURVIVOR OF SA. I was SA my freshman year of college my Spring semester. However, that incident hasn't been on my mind. My childhood experience has been on my mind. I've been thinking about joining a support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse because those memories are resurfacing for a reason. I thought about sharing this information with my life coach. I thought about sharing this information with both of my parents, but I'm hesitant to tell my parents. I'm not sure how the news will go, but how do I tell them that a relative sexually abused me (this isn't a stranger). I want to heal and I don't want my family to fracture for the rest of my life. The abuse started when I was around 4/5 years-old. Those incidents happened atleast 4 or 5 times. I know it stopped before I turned 6 years old. I know the abuse was a cause for me being suicidal and probably the start of me gradually dealing with depression. I healed from my assault in college. I guess part of healing the inner child, I need to heal that little girl who was sexually abused as a small child. I pray on this too.
I'm proud of myself for passing my clinical exam on Feb 7, 2026, and during a snowstorm where my car got stuck in a snowbank. God looked after me because Brian and Megara got help with my Chevy Spark (Breezy), and despite my anxiety, I passed my exam on my first attempt like I did with my first social work exam. I'm officially a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker. Why is it that from BIDMC, I only got a $3 pay increase. What is $43 per hour for my work experience, 6 years of college education, and 4 internships. I dedicate so much time to CVPR/Adelante for the past 3 years and 10 months, I'm beyond burnt out, I lost my motivation for my position, I don't have respect for my leadership, and I can't handle my caseload. I haven't been giving my best when it comes to my job and this is the first time I really been like this. I don't like this feeling AT ALL. I still have a long way with my social work career and I'm not willing to quit and I'm nowhere near retiring. I'm thankful God provided me the opportunity to work with the HT population and I've gained so much knowledge and want to learn more. However, there has to be another way for me to be an advocate without solely doing the direct work. I still want to be a human trafficking advocate maybe not in the traditional role. I can use my digital platforms along with educating individuals through my professional work. I know I need a major break from the trauma work. It's becoming too much and it's making it difficult for me to heal from my brain surgery properly.
In addition to a life transition, I'm also in the midst of transitional phase when it comes to my professional life. I need a good solid break from working in the medical setting. It sucks for SWs, working in health care is where we make the most money which is crazy because we don't get paid that much considering the high demands of the health care field. I keep going back and forth between joining a group practice for additional income because I'm drained right now from doing individual therapy. It's good easy money because I've been doing individual therapy since 2021, but it's emotionally draining and I want to make space for my feelings and problems and not place myself second to my clients' needs. I'm learning and continue to develop my boundary skills, but it does conflict with being in the "helping" field. No decision is the easiest decision. My goal is to pay off my student loan debt by my 40th birthday. I got to pay off my auto loan for Breezy. I pray that my mother stops being her own obstacle and begin taking small steps to better position herself financially. I can't always be her financial cushion. I have faith in my mother that she can do it! Back to me, I'm going to take those steps in establishing my own LLC. My consulting business isn't all talk. As much as I'm trying to avoid therapy, doing individual therapy outside of Adelante, I can generate life coaching clients. I want to be holistic in everything that I do, and can focus on mental health has the main brand but can incorporate spiritual aspects to the services. I have a desire for consulting, coaching, education/training, and mentorship.
I have the desire to provide mentorship, clinical supervision, or facilitate affinity spaces for BIPOC social workers. There's a high demand for these services. I have the blueprint for Body Love Blueprint; again, I got to get serious complete and submit the paperwork so I can have ownership of the names I'm interested in using towards my business. I bought the domain (s&sc.com), I got to learn how to use Go Daddy to build my website (easy YouTube search). God has given me the tools and the vision, I just got to act. I have several people helping and willing to help me become successful. Maybe this venture is really my calling, my purpose. It may changes 10 years later, yet, God is like GET TO IT!!!! Similar to my mother, I can't be my own obstacle. I don't want to regret later for not taking this opportunity to do another great thing.
In general, God is calling me home (not the heavenly home lol). I haven't lived at home like talking about it. I feel like everything in my life has been so temporary when's the permanency going to be established. If I didn't have my health conditions, I would expand my exploration geographically of where I want to call home next. I'm so ready to quit my job, but actually leaving MA is a different story. I'm going to miss the friends I've made it sucks that it took between 3-4 years to do so. I'm going to miss the independence I've gain living in the Boston metro area. I can walk (mostly) everywhere safely. I can easily take public transportation to go anywhere not just around Boston. I appreciate the diversity when it comes to food, education, cultural events, and so much more. I enjoy having some free things to do instead of always having to pay for things. I know I won't really have that once I move down the mason-dixie line. I'm not gonna stop communicating with my friends, it just sucks that in my last two years being here, I built a strong circle of Black Women (Black Sisterhood). Unlike others, our sisterhood isn't filled with drama and jealousy, we all are genuinely rooting for each other to succeed and be happy in whatever that is. Again, I'm going to try my best to maintain these healthy relationships, and I can also add onto my circle of sisters wherever my next destination is.
I'm tired of grieving in all forms Man. I need a break! I grieved my grandparents. I grieved my breakup. I grieved over my health. I want a couple of years filled with peace and joy before grief shows up in my life again. Does grief come with healing? And this World is BEYOND CRASHING & FALLING TO PIECES. I feel like I just began really enjoying my life. I will say, I've been enjoying the present moments even on those days it' hard for me to show up for myself. I'm still going on my mini adventures exploring my surroundings. I went to my first concert alone and enjoyed my company. I'm seeing Demi Lovato in one week which I'm excited because I've been a fan of hers since middle school. We are both in our genuine healing era. Ms. Ella Mai is coming to the MGM Music Hall in August. I just saw Chris Brown last summer, now him and Usher are going on tour. Like dang, Breezy can you slow down hahaha. I need to rack up and save money. I still need to get back to California; Zabdi is out in Colorado, Leah is either staying out or relocation to Arizona, and then Hawaii with my mother willing in 2028. I'm ready to fall in love again. When it comes to relationships, I'm not going backs towards what is familiar to me. I deserve a soft caring honest supportive healthy type of LOVE. I haven't given up on love just because of my negative experiences.
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