Fruitless Times

[wasiteverworthit]

Thought About It

And that night

It would not be that night

Maybe another

Maybe nigh

But it would not be that night

The bottle was nearly dry

The plate scraped clean

The thoughts rang free

No one around to hear them scream,

The night when on

People turned about,

Yet in the end you were the only resolute.

The choice was yours, 

Keep going or maybe

Just maybe

Hit the end game button

You walked toward the closet

The one that held your gun

And you thought to yourself

Quite frankly, there’s no way you’re the only one

Who has felt this way,

This deep sensation of hopelessness,

There is no way that you are the only one to ever feel as though there is no way out of this

The hallway in front of you only look darker the longer that you look at it

Your gun is calling your name yet, you don’t want to know why

You do know why

It isn't worth it 

You know why, everyone knows why

You hold your breath, everything holds still for a moment

Turn around, another moment, another breath, another day

People may ask about

What our thoughts or feelings are

I wish I could conceive

Anything to portray, in a meaningful way

But the bottle is empty, and the plate is clean

Tonight is not the night

Yet I still yearn for meaning 

This night was nearly markable

Yet it is, and will be benign

A mark against my soul, yes

But not a mark against time. 

[wasiteverworthit]

Car Crash

Love isn’t kind or tender

Just like a car crash

Violent, and volatile

Crushing in a moment

The unbearable weight on your chest

The relief as soon you understand

That you made it through alive

That on the other side

There may be some hope at a normal life.

The thing to remember

Is that just like love

You had a life before the car crash

Before the crash, you didn’t look back

[wasiteverworthit]

The wind and rain of a stormy day calm us

Just as anothers chaos blankets over our own

[wasiteverworthit]

Just don’t say it.

Don’t speak the words which crawl beneath your skin.

Don’t push for an outburst of everything you’ve kept inside.

Never let it out, because when you do,

That’s when they can hurt you.

[wasiteverworthit]

So many of us, Find ourselves

wandering down a winding trail.

With no notion of where you delve,

But that’s a direction none the less.

A crisp underbrush all around you

A low fog obscures your view.

You know not where you’re going,

You’d rather focus on what’s new.

A sense of security is what we seek

In prediction we always find this

A sense of balance, self worth, less meek,

Direction is all we need.

[wasiteverworthit]

I want to die young

For two reasons alone

First to make sure my life

All be it from me

Meant something, to them,

The ones who watch me.

Second, to be able to look in the sky

As the life I have lived

Flees from my eyes

And I'll be able to know

At that time alone

that this is the last time

That my eyes could cry.

Cry they will not, for happy I'll be

The stars and the moon,

My only company.

[wasiteverworthit]

Leave Me Alone

There's a tendency described by psychology

As, "a need to isolate".

It's listed under self-destructive traits and attributes

But I'd argue that

Destroying yourself rather than hurting those you love

May be self-destructive

But holding someone above yourself,

So high that you'd leave, hurting yourself rather than them,

Is possibly the most self-respecting thing you can do.

[wasiteverworthit]

Suicide Note

In your absence

I've stopped reading

All but the thoughts

Within my head

As they themselves wonder

Why

Did you leave me

With such haste,

With nothing to read

When you knew

All I'd ever want

Is to read of you

[wasiteverworthit]

Soldier

He wanted to go and fight

He knew he deserved to die

A reason is what he needed

For the life he had let go by

There was no good reason for it

So a reason he would make

To lose his life rather than end it

For his poor Mothers sake

[wasiteverworthit]

There was something about him

It wasn't what brought me closer

Or made everyone so crazy about him.

Don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect

No one thought he was

But he was special.

He fought with a passion I've never seen before

Over things that sometimes,

Didn't really matter.

His angst was built inside of him

Anchored within his very person

And I'm still not sure why.

He was a good person,

Always wanting the best for everyone,

Even himself, which was rare.

What I could never understand,

That something about him,

His world was different.

People always say they see things differently.

He never claimed to.

He molded his view to work around others,

And his views were forced to conform.

He saw everything different, where as most just see different versions of the same reality.

I can't explain it, because I still don't understand,

I'm not sure anyone could, even him.

All I can say was that this person, he was human

He wasn't extra amazing

He didn't change lives or make everything better

But he was different.

There was something about him,

And I could tell that everyone,

Including me knew.

I still wonder though,

Why he kept it to himself.

Why did he hold such a significance within himself

And I often ponder

Did he know,

Or was he scared?

[wasiteverworthit]

I don't love this life

I never really have

A darkness washes over me

The only thing I've ever had

These pains been mistaken for growing

As if it weren't a sin

Yet here we are

In that so old car

Not trying to make the bend.

This life I live

Be it a life at all

Is not the life I dreamed of

Further more when I fall

This life, this breath

As anything left

Just hurts to bear at all.

I've never truly hated

Even all the evils in this world

Yet I do resent

And hold such contempt

Against my very being.

Please forgive me Lord

For here the problem lies

A sinners repentance is of ommission

But mine cannot be the nigh,

As I know of all I've done

I play the video every day

Between my ears

It screams to me

Surely you want to stay.

This world was meant for all of us

But some of us will go

This place, this burden,

None of us can really know.

[wasiteverworthit]

Live in this moment

For tomorrow

This moment

Can only remember it

[wasiteverworthit]

It will be alright

Those starry, darkened nights

Lit only by streetlights

Your thoughts, your only fight

No pain will be incurred tonight

Not a hair on your head harmed

A peaceful breeze will sweep the leaves

Leaving your exhale to do the rest

These thoughts of yours

They'll float away

Send them with the wind

Enjoy the bench, and your cigarette

For even that will end

Love life for the very reason

A life at all is lived

For what you seek may never find you

But true peace is from within

[wasiteverworthit]

Love

Let me take your pain away

Let me hold your hand

Let me inside that mind of yours

Let me hold tight

This World of ours is crazy

But together, it's a delight

The skies are brightening up now

The rain has surely stayed

The light is surely coming

Now the waiting game, we must play

With you I feel a peace

A serenity I've yet to feel

Your embrace has all but stopped

My demons in their field.

Your fight is brave and valiant

A soldiers war at least

Your movements are commendable

Your heartbeat, so discreet

I admire all about you

Your very essence does insipire

I just pray that through the days gone by

And every day ahead

Your unwavering strength is faithful

Within your stormy head

[wasiteverworthit]

Irrefutable Feeling

I can still feel it The pulse The ever growing rumble Which bears down on my shoulders I can still feel it The flow Of blood red rage A racing river through my veins I can still feel it The Earth Shattering around me Everything I once loved being torn away I can still feel it An embrace The one that made it go away I can still feel it, as it keeps walking away

[wasiteverworthit]

My world understands The ones within Those who have gained entrance Only those allowed Know the truth About why he left So quickly He left Without a reason An explanation He left to help But not hurt To heal And recover To allow for a beginning He left in an end To provide And give breath to fresh starts. I keep leaving to give us all better chances.

[wasiteverworthit]

And I can honestly say that if I've learned anything over the last year, Anything at all, It would be that love is fluid. Just like a sixth grade science class it fills it's container every time. It obeys laws and moves with prediction. Sometimes. Love also moves like the ocean, exerting forces unfathomable by the human mind. Calming itself with a light breeze and the shift from day to night. In reality, I've learned nothing of love in the last year. No more so than I understand how to lasso her slippery embrace. Love still eludes me, in more ways than one.