The confessional.

Posts from an anonymous scribbler of words.

[wasplisp]

peach juice dribbles down my chin

god, its perfection

makes me believe in good things

[wasplisp]

that monday, when we were walking in primrose hill and we were still holding hands, i told you my mother was growing an avocado plant, and that we'd have to wait 5-13 years for it to bear fruit. you said you'd done that when you were young and you'd already waited all those years and it never bore any fruit. and now I think back and it's like a stupid metaphor for the whole not-really-relationship, that i was hopeful and expectant and you had already given up on it

[wasplisp]

it is the beginning of summer and we are in a car driving to who cares where my brother is driving and his girlfriend ana is next to him laughing about something he said she is wearing a striped top and her hair is tied in a messy ponytail and everything seems just out of focus i can see the tendons in her neck and the dimple in her cheek i make waves in the wind with my hand out the window and i close my eyes and the sunlight is a warm orange ocean behind my eyelids

[wasplisp]

on the hottest day of the year we had dinner on the rooftop and watched the sun set and we lay there holding hands and the clouds sailed over us and their underbellies were plump and pink and i could only see clearly from my right eye and at the time i was very in love deeply in love and i was trying my hardest to absorb everything about that evening so i could think back to it on duvet days but the present slipped away and now i am thinking back to it and yes i was deeply in love with the moment and i was glad i had someone to share it with but truthfully i don’t think i was in love with him

[wasplisp]

sometimes i remember i'm gonna get old and my organs will wear out and start to fail and i will suffer and experience a lot of pain and eventually die (if i don't prematurely die) and ofc it's always been a given it's sth we all have to go through and i passively accept that on a general superficial level as a fact like i know the earth is round and it rotates around the sun even though i've never seen the proof but sometimes just sometimes i remember that this finite terminal thing will happen to me personally i mean i will have to go through it all myself and die my own death and no one else can do it for me or accompany me i myself alone will have to go through that on a wholly singular personal level but then again i mean who knows maybe i could live forever? i haven't died yet

[wasplisp]

we are in foyles on southbank and you are reading poetry to me, i have no interest, had no interest, in poetry until that moment, when you were saying someone else's words and i was feigning indifference (or was it interest?), half-listening, half-distracted by other bookshop visitors, and i forget the name of the poet and the title of the poem, i only remember the gist, and i felt a part of a quiet continuity and lost in the constant murmur of the world

[wasplisp]

midnight fever

at 23.59 victor felt the compulsion to throw himself out the window    he looked out and saw only his reflection    a double of himself already on the other side of the window    his back has been hurting hunching over his minuscule desk for hours on end    he gets up and arches his back and each bone clicks as he curves and lets go of a sigh    he thought about the deep red sky outside and brushed off ill omens but they tickled his back and climbed back into his skull    it was the ticking of the clock that echoed in his ears    each tick a footstep    he paced around the room wiping his sweaty palms against his trousers    the soles of his feet sticking to the wooden floorboards    and in the red sky a flickering plane sails across a whirring night        it is 00.01 now and the ticking goes on 

[wasplisp]

last weekend a girl who had disappeared off the face of the earth turned up in london out of the blue and sent me a message in which she apologised profusely and asked me tentatively if I would like to meet up with her to which I said yes of course! and I was lost for words and couldn't formulate coherent replies that she was here and she was talking to me and she was alive and well I hadn't seen or heard from her for a year and a half when I opened the door and she was standing there in front of me tears sprang and I felt ridiculous she hadn't changed at all still very softly spoken and fragile a deer caught in headlights the grace in her arms as she tucked her hair behind her ears and we stood there staring at each other for a while with dumbfounded grins and expectant hellos

[wasplisp]

there's something about sharing one of the most intimate moments of your life, but anonymously and for all to see, because you want to tell the world you love someone and they love you back

[typewriterdaily]

the first time they said they loved me, we were lying in bed, naked, our eyes absorbing every inch of the other's being, our hands absent-mindedly stroking each other's skin, and i knew it even before they said it. i kept thinking about that moment for the rest of the week and then i'd grin like an idiot

oh oh oh

[wasplisp]

cru/crushed/rushed

wrestling with a restlessness that rests as residual stitches embedded in limp limbs, imbibed with embers bereft of air, unfair pharoahs of long ago built pyramids, pyralidae pirouetting for an eternity, the sanguinity that flows, fluorescent in linear darkness starkness of faces phases of calm karmic paths pathetic attempts to please, appease a Berliner while a Londoner lone and restless in a westward room roams static in mind  and mind alone

[wasplisp]

YOU WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING

when we were five we went to the observatory and looked at stars at that time they were still magical and not just balls of gas each of us looked through the lens and oohed and ahhed the other children gasped in delight but all i saw was

infinite nothingness

[wasplisp]

some fool some place

can’t really remember the night before something to do with a girl so quiet she may not have existed just a smile the most tender lips I think no I know I said a lot of stupid things they just kind of spewed out of my mouth in a slurred mess and I half remember how she gazed at me with the softest eyes with a warm spark but a hint of pity as if to say well look at that poor drunk fool I'll laugh politely at his jokes he seems so lonely

I think I may have tried touching her up oh god why did I do that oh no it gets worse I just remembered how I told her- oh fuck all the inappropriate things that I said I'd do to her and her eyes widened and now I sit drowning in shame she was so nice so pretty oh if I’d known I was going to meet her I’d have put on an ironed shirt and washed my hair and spritzed some cologne on myself and I wouldn't have got so fucking drunk but she met me at my worst and I don’t know if she could see past everything

[wasplisp]

greater land

victor dreams of painted cities and faded laughter as he lies on his bed his feet dangling off the end and his book resting on his chest the book’s spine aligned with his spine and he watches the floral patterns on the ceiling swirl into canals that wind around the grand pastel buildings of the venice of the north and the honeyed tones of the singer at дом 7 float over the golden-winged griffins on банковский мост and under his darling мучной мост and into his ears and his six lucky bus tickets lie in the breast pocket of his favourite jacket and his black boots are red around the edges with the dye on the floor of an abandoned shoe factory near балтийский and there were evenings at дюны a snap or two that will later remind him of single blurred moments and his two suitcases are packed with four months of his life and he's ready (never) to leave and может быть он вернётся но когда не знает может быть никогда и вдруг он понял что это действительно наверное что он никогда не увидит этих прекрасных людей

[wasplisp]

the cranes

the cranes on the wallpaper stand on one leg my hair will have silvered and the cranes will stand my mother is fifty and she'll never find anyone my father frequently talks about his own mortality i met a friend at midnight because i thought she needed someone the meeting was hollow and i was meek and now it's 3am and i'm in my underwear a starfish sprawled across the bed i wish i'd said something to someone at some point at some point i wish i'd said something i wish that someone had said something but distance and time are inescapable

[wasplisp]

yesterday

sundown and we walked along griboedova the pompoms on our hats bobbing about and we were eating discounted macarons and raspberry cake from a patisserie we found and there was nothing wrong with them at all

the cold had suddenly come and my upper lip was numb so I couldn't tell if my nose was running or not and I sang something I can't remember what but she joined in and we walked down nevsky singing quietly and there were macaron crumbs on our fingers and I felt like a small child again with cake in my belly and my best friend by my side

[wasplisp]

facebook fucking messenger

oh you sweet bastard i hadn't a lot of time for you you said but you ran away just as i was beginning to feel something or maybe I ran away, we flew in separate directions and then you told me too late TOO LATE, and now i am in my room, on my laptop and you are far far away and i am unearthing photos of the back of your head and you are almost naked in some photos that i am probably not meant to see (what's with those privacy settings) and i'm not very sure of things right now and i don't want to go home and back to mundanity i have felt so many things here and seen so much newness and anyway there you are, all the way in some other country, a little green dot appearing, disappearing, reappearing, i wish you'd SAY something, maybe clarify the murky message with too many of the horribly winky ;)'s like a man having a stroke and why would you call me 'cute' that is a terrible word on a par with 'tenesmus' - it sounds so nice but then what does it MEAN