I was diagnosed with Aspergers and Clinical depression a long time ago and after a while of trying to self medicate it away with diazepam and alcohol ended up really addicted, constantly suicidal which I am lucky to have survived - these things together caused an onset of acute panic disorder. After a few years of having that and not being able to even get out of bed, I’d become 18 stone. After I had moved out of my situation into my own place everything seemed okay - I got a job, I lost nearly 7 stone, I started to not hate myself in the mirror. In the time that all this happened I overdosed to Starman by David Bowie, I’d cut my wrists so many times and deep, I was in states where I’d cry for days and most of this is information I’ve received or read on my now long as fuck medical notes. The job only lasted a couple of months, same as the one before and I was struggling insanely with my memory I noticed that entire days, weeks and months were disappearing I was forgetting everyone I’d ever known yet apparently talking to them online and on the phone. It was okay for a while, I met a nice Girl called Joana and as she was going to become homeless I tried to do the right compassionate thing and take her in. Somewhere between trying to cope and process what was ACTUALLY happening in my head and not being medicated this turned out to be an extremely bad idea. Next is a slew of police visits, a toxic relationship and traits so bad that it was eventually able to be diagnosed and understood what was happening. Before that however I was becoming someone else, constantly denying things I’d said and done. I started to cut myself really badly, I was in and out of hospital at one point 6 times in a month, my neighbours to this day don’t allow me to have knives in the flat. The last time I remember was waking up in hospital on a drip and asking where I was and why and they told me that I’d overdosed and cut my throat. This is where I got to spend a lovely bit of time in the mental hospital and I’ll tell you something that place is terrifying. A bunch of blood taken and various other tests and they are stumped, I’d come in screaming like the devil apparently yet I was talking so normally that I clearly didn’t belong there. Or maybe I did (lol). Down the road a little bit I was finally diagnosed through a long process and extensive medical history to have EUPD + A Dissociative personality disorder with related amnesia. Effectively what this means is that certain conditions or “triggers” that I am not fully aware of yet make me turn into a different person and I can’t remember it. Every time I’d wake up in hospital, getting stitches, on a drip - I remember waking up and being so afraid, so terrified that I would kill myself but I wanted to live. At the moment I’m on four medications and honestly they have saved my life, since being on the full doses I have only felt scared of my alt. taking over once. I’m still waking up to find conversations I have no idea about and I’m struggling to remember most of my life which is pretty painful. The pain that I feel from forgetting and from not being able to work for so long and not being able to go to university and now a month away from being 25 is immense. I have a problem with drinking. It happens if I’m sober just the same but the drinking makes it worse 100%, I’ve admitted this and I know how stupid it is to get drunk with this kind of disorder but I can’t quit yet. I have medications that I can drink with except the Diazepam (low dose) however I have completely stopped mixing the two as again I know that isn’t helping me remember anything aha in fact it makes me go full mental mode apparently running up and down the stairs waking up covered in bruises etc according to my (very patient) neighbours. I’ve cut the drinking down immensely since the panic attack days but back then I was taking the equivalent of 100+mg of valium a day with 3 bottles of wine or a litre of vodka. Now I keep it to a much healthier state maybe have a smoke now and again. What has been interesting in the time when I worked and recently is that I notice the dissociation now before I thought it was just alcohol but I’ve started to find all kinds of interesting things out and having the diagnosis has helped bring me out of a really deadly and horrific place. I’m still losing days but they aren’t suicide days. I’m still coming back to find that I’ve been having conversations I don’t remember, writing things that don’t sound like me, there are hundreds of private facebook statuses I make talking to myself. I often wake up in the morning thinking I’d had a nice early night insanely tired physically and mentally - I have absolutely no idea what happens besides clues that I find and that is scary. Living on my own with a disorder like this SUCKS as well, I always forget to pay bills, just got my internet back after losing it for a month because the direct debit was for my old bank. I’ve spent thousands and not remembered any of it as well so now have a nice little 2k debt to pay off. The mental health services are so stretched I’m practically on my own besides the medication now the only person who helps me remember and understands is my soul mate Nadja. I met her when I was with my ex - we used to be poly but I am not sure that I should or can emotionally understand Poly/RA it’s actually too difficult emotionally and it was most likely one of the triggers at the time - trying to process the idea behind it. I managed to understand it enough to make things stay really nice with Nadja but I think that period of my life has to come to an end and start the new one. So this is a really badly written summary missing loads of long boring sad times out. I’m going to make this my homepage so that I remember to write in it in any state and I’m not going to delete anything, this is about me trying to understand and learn about what goes through my mind when I’m in a dissociative state and try to never hurt myself or upset anyone again.
