sea of confusion

Place for us to question / explore plurality for ourself

[we-are-underwater]

blog for plural questioning stuff

we're probably somewhere in the median / plurallet space (+ pluralflux). may alternate between i / we, use them interchangeably, or avoid first person pronouns entirely depending on how I'm feeling in the moment

If you want to refer to us, any level of plurality in terms works fine. they/them pronouns generally, and you could call us whatever for a name really. we haven't really settled on a good nickname for this blog

I'm frequently confused about identity stuff and have a hard time explaining my experiences, so idk if anything I post will make much sense. trying to figure it out!

feel free to ask questions, give advice, or share your own experiences here. we might be a bit slow to answer though, or forget to respond entirely

all kinds of plurals are welcome here as long as you're not being jerks. we generally avoid discourse, and block freely

tags:

#underwater.art, for our art

#underwater.post, for mostly textposts

#underwater.response, for answering asks

#ask game, for ask games we reblog! feel free to send us asks for games we reblogged some time ago, but you might want to include some added detail to clarify which one it is

#plural art, for plural art mostly by others

here's the pinned post we started this blog with, just for archival

(last edited 8/9/2024) we haven't decided on a name for here yet. currently using they/them pronouns, might add more later? both single and

pinned last edited 2026/02/11

[semiplural]

System Mapping: The Zine

We reworked our system mapping post into a zine!

For those who want to download the zine as a PDF, it can be found on itch.io, our plural article website, or our zines website for free (but donations are always welcome!).

[we-are-underwater]

plural desires we've had:

to be more separate

to actually know who we are at any given time

to be distinct and self aware enough to properly have names

to be able to have conversations between ourselves whenever we want without our voices getting muddled or fading out

to have Hornet silksong here in our head (or to be hornet silksong)

to have a solid and clear headspace

to be able to embrace plurality without lingering denial, fear, and shame

to be able to help each other, have different strengths/weaknesses

to be less alone

to be able to love ourself better, because we care about the others

things that hold us back from actually trying to do any of that intentionally (or even just consistently accepting our plurality in its current confusing form)

fear of change, or losing control

not entirely believing we're actually plural

being too tired, distracted, busy, depressed, etc. to focus in that

having a really bad memory and forgetting about it, or struggling to remember why it mattered

flat out denial

worrying about doing something wrong, making out other mental illness worse

worrying about being even weirder, and having a harder time functioning in the world (we are already completely not functioning in the world)

worrying about how we'd explain it to others, not wanting to inconvenience anyone in our life

having to try and explain it to therapists

possible solutions:

????

maybe start by actually telling the people in our life how we want to be gendered as practice

and actually talk to therapist about all that???

keep journaling, blogging, and making art about it all...?

[we-are-underwater]

i apologize for how weird this probably sounds; but every now and then i find myself fantasizing about going through a period of extreme stress, like we were when we first started having plural experiences, and coming out the end being "more" plural

i imagine that afterwards it'd be more extreme, we'd be more clear-cut, we'd leave this state of ambiguity and really be separate. we'd finally understand who we are

and i know, that's definitely not how it'd work... and i really don't actually want to be in that kind of intense distress again, im not entirely sure id survive it

but i guess it probably speaks to a desire that i have a hard time acknowleging otherwise. I've seen people talke about fantasizing about getting breast cancer so they'd have an "excuse" to get too surgery - i think it might be something like that.

It's a kind of thought pattern we've honestly gotten pretty used to. there's something we want, but we don't think we can/should have it, or we feel conflicted; so we imagine a situation where it's forced upon us.

i can think of 5 separate examples of us doing exactly that.

we long for clarity, stability, selfhood, existing with our plurality fully realized. but even as parts of us feel ready to do it, to go all in, other parts are scared

i worry about losing myself. i worry about having to explain it to people. i worry that I'd be doing something wrong, making myself "worse" in a misguided attempt at coping

and we forget. and we wish that it could be easier, something that happens to us rather than something we shape ourselves. and then we wouldn't be to blame for it if it was the wrong thing to do, right?

(rich coming from a thing that could blame itself for anything)

and you know. it really doesn't help that all the the being conflicted about desires, uncertainty about who we are and what we should do with ourself, forgetting what we'd previously decided to do, and denial... is probably all tied into the plurality itself.

why does it all have to be so fucking complicated

[atrusovaartist]

Acrylic on canvas 40*40 cm „Summer Sketch No. 11“

[pluriwinklepaints]

guy(s) who don't know they're plural yet voice:

"Yeah I just really like possession stories. Specifically one where the possessor isn't just completely evil and maybe didn't even intend to possess the other guy and/or can't leave the body, I extra like when the possessions become a reocurring thing to the point of it just being normal and the characters compromise and share a life together, and all of the character's friends also become friends with the possessor and everyone's happy"

[orchardsys]

Born again

[beauburrowsystem]

down the rabbit hole

[the-flowerfield-collective]

[thefacets]

[thefacets]

Sorry for not adding image descriptions before, I realized only a bit ago that I can save the images in drafts and add it before posting >_> I'm going to go back and add to the currently non-described ones later.

[oppatobystyle]

Every day can be bad comic day if you free yourself

[bodysitting]

my "i'm not plural but my headmates are" shirt is raising a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

[we-are-underwater]

i think I actually like who i am at the moment, i just feel... a little bit restless? mostly calm, but... hm. idk. i just want to know myself better

[we-are-underwater]

i don't even know what to do to actually know myself. it's definitely not that i completely lack identity, it just feels fragmented and inconsistent and fuzzy around the edges. i wish i was solider, clear and easy to see, whether it be as one self or many. but any attempt at definition never quite seems to fit, or slips through our fingers. maybe i just need to accept that we're an intangible cluster of a being?

i feel so lost in life in nearly every way. for a while i had no direction, lately i feel like there's so many things i want to do but they all feel out of reach - and i worry that by chasing one, I'll lost the chance at another.

but mostly we just keep getting lost in a haze of distraction, or depression, or just... i don't know. losing focus again and again, and remaining stuck in the same place

and the fact that i keep changing doesn't help either. i can't rely on myself to remain consistent, and that can make it so hard to plan for the future...

i guess right now our focus is mostly on recovery and learning. trying to shape ourself into something that can take on the world. I'm not sure if it's working.

it's not entirely that i don't know myself. i know a lot about myself. but maybe it feels like what i know about myself are towers in a sea of fog?

i think I'm always thinking about myself, getting lost in my own head, trying to explore the corners I don't understand. map out every neurosis, i want to color in and name every facet of our selfhood... but even with all that, i don't think I'm getting anywhere fast

i guess it doesn't help that I'm always getting stuck in circles, retreading the same ground over and over. the anxiety, OCD, depression, brain fog, bad memory, and tendency towards self hatred definetly don't help either.

maybe as i continue to work on recovery, we'll finally be able to clear up some of the obstacles in the way of self understanding...

[we-are-underwater]

maybe one day I'll figure out what i even am

[we-are-underwater]

I've been slowly, frog-boilingly, coming to the conclusion that I probably need to change my name irl. Especially in the past few days, whenever people adress me or get my attention hering my usual name makes me get gloomy and distracted...

but I really don't know what kind of name to use instead. I thought I had some idea for a while, either switching to my online nickname or using a shorter more gender-neutral versuon of my irl name

but thinking it over today, they didn't quite seem to fit either. i don't know if I'm disconnected from my "usual' identity, or just realizing something I've been in denial about, but either way I feel like I've got to go back to the drawing board

it's really frustrating trying to find a new name. i don't know how to condense my sprawling, confusing, and conflicted sense of self into one word. when i was journaling about it today, I really found myself wishing that i could just not have a name at all... I feel like I'm more comfortable being adressed with "hey you", some title, or a nickname someone else came up with than i am with anyone using an actual name for me

at least, that's how i felt today