Miss Ann Thrope

my name is unimportant. this blog was created by a very sad girl whose mind is plagued with cruel voices that get pleasure from her desolation. she is not a good person. she would like to blame her mind for the misfortune and sadness in her life but...

[weakkk-blog]

5/12/16

I got straight A’s this semester.

And quite honestly, I don’t know how I accomplished that.

I did try hard this semester, as I do every semester, but I made an especial close count on the social aspect of my life these past few months and I thought they would completely alter my grade point average.

Turns out, I can stay as conceited as everyone perceives me to be. Completely sure of herself and her life goals.

Unbeknownst, I am actually happy. And I can say that with a strange assurance that is my gut feeling.

My previous life--the one where I was in a constant stage on teen angst and surefire suicidal tendencies--has seemed to emerge as a focal talking point in a lot of conversations lately and... Quite honestly because I am quite sleep deprived and quite drunk... I can’t help but speak of it as the lowest point in my life. I cannot pinpoint the cause of such depression (perhaps this diary will have a bit more insight?) but I can assure every party that I was indeed incredibly depressed and suicidal and weird.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve accidentally on purpose told my past people the true cause of my demeanor and their reactions have been nothing but... Unsatisfying...? I feel the need to tell everyone--every single human ever incorporated into my sad excuse for a teenage life-- just how messed up I was and I really just want to apologize to all of them.

I hungout with my ex-boyfriend’s ex-best friend  last night and he told me that he would constantly analyze the relationship I had with him and he would tell him, “how much do you really even know about her? Is this an actual relationship? You share all of your feelings, why didn’t she share any of hers?”

And unfortunately I know of the poor communication he speaks of. I kept my inner most thoughts to myself and only myself. I felt I could not trust another soul. And for what purpose would I even be allowed such human exchange except for entertainment purposes? I felt like a fucking joke back then.

Acquiring this knowledge just know (nearly two years after I ended the relationship) I cannot help but feel pity for my ex-boyfriend. Somehow, he was exactly what I needed, and yet, I was his unknowing worst fucking nightmare.

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I couldn’t tell anyone of my thoughts back then though, and you knew that right? Did you know that? That I never told anyone anything about my life because I was so terrified of their shit reactions? I couldn’t even tell my psychiatrist and therapist at the time what what was going on inside my stupid head because I was so afraid of how they would react (...meaning, they would react in a way that I didn’t want them to and it would have negative consequences on my current super-intoxicated-state-of-mind).

I have no problem telling people how I was back then nowadays. I don’t give a flying fuck about who knows what about my previous life. I will tell them what I was going through. I am no longer afraid. Because I know my current life and current stance on living is so, SO much better than it was when I was friends with these people.

But... His best friend... The one that I’d grown close with in the end just because I quite honestly believe he gets off on the disruption of relationships.. Comes to me two years after I break up with his best friend and tells me he’s been questions his best friend (my ex boyfriend) about the accuracy of my relationship with him for the entire year we were dating. “He was just hiding it so you couldn’t see, but he was always so emotionally drained from you not telling him a single thing that was going on inside your head”.

At that moment I didn’t know whether to be pissed at him or pissed at my ex boyfriend for believing I didn’t love him for exactly the way he was and exactly the way he treated me--like I wasn’t some crazy suicidal but really just a teenager high on drugs probably far too often to be healthy and completely madly in love.

I told myself I wasn’t going to text him.

I texted him a few minutes ago. It’s late and I don’t really expect a response, but maybe I’ll get lucky tomorrow.

The friend I was previously talking about told me his least appreciated aspect of me (once I got him well intoxicated, of course). And do you know what he fucking told me? He said that his least favorite aspect of me--the only reason why I couldn’t be considered a pure human being to him--was that I was so fascinated and completely obsessed with the idea of death.

I cannot deny that back then I didn’t feel the need for a tree to fall on me or to get hit by a bus or to take too many Alprazolams (whoops?) and never wake up... But, for someone to out rightly say that my depression was their least favorite part of me? I can only control that to a certain extent. And at the time, I thought... I thought he knew that. I thought he knew better than my boyfriend, better than my best friends, better than my weed dealer, that if you were to associate with me at all then you were going to have to become acquaintances with death as well.

He followed me everywhere. Death. I tried for days and days and months and non-fucking-stop to get rid of him but some days it was just so tiring and it was just so much easier to hide behind a brick mailbox than confront my feelings to myself and to inquisitive others.  

Side note: I am completely, honestly, and totally content with my life right now and it’s the strangest feeling. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy and honest to man intrigued about the future (perhaps this diary can inform me of such a date).

[weakkk-blog]

5/4/16

I’ve been hardcore craving stimulation lately.

Data pertaining to the sort of stimulation and the amount of stimulation is still being tested upon. 

Emotional? No, present me is too aware of the various emotive consequences. Intellectual? Perhaps, but not the sort I can acquire from my college textbooks (however much I really really want it to be this option considering it’s Final Exams Week). Social? The most obvious, as I’ve recently grown close to this Cancer and this Aries (I wonder how Summer break will affect these new bonds...).    

I intended to write more, but I should really spend this time crash-cramming for my Linear Algebra exam in four hours. So I’ll leave this here with an awareness of the human I was on this day last year and all of the todays since 2012 (searching tags in my own online diary is cool that way, I suppose). 

I’m not nearly as spiritless as I felt in 2015, nor as grossed out by my own body as I seemed in 2014, nor as smitten with some horny teenager as I understood in 2013, nor as cripplingly suicidal as I was in 2012.

Congrats, self. That’s actually pretty rad.      

[weakkk-blog]

4/25/16

I’ve actually made friends. 

They’re both gone right now, but they were here before I swear. We were conducting science experiments to test density and food color and glitter. 

Since they’ve left (about an hour and a half ago) and promised to return, I’ve convinced myself it’d be okay to consume Adderall and buy the board game Cranium so we could drunk-play it when they come back. 

Considering my post from last week, the first obvious thought is that this is a stupid decision and I should really sleep instead. But... Friends are such a rarity in my current life and I want to soak up every bit of friendship hangouts I can before the Spring semester finishes (a week from Friday). 

In other news, my crush on the Capricorn has shrunk drastically. There still flutter a few butterflies whenever he enters the room or his name is mentioned in conversation, but their wings don’t flap nearly as robustly as they did a few months ago. I suppose this is good. Healthy.

The Gemini from my past texted me a day or two ago saying: “if you find yourself in the city let me know”. Perhaps this is why my feelings for the Capricorn aren’t as strong. I have an older, slightly more attractive human waiting on my beck and call. Plus he pays attention to me. 

Finals are next week. Let my head particles churn in Adderall-induced-agony until May 7th. 

[weakkk-blog]

4/19/16

Another sunrise. 

I asked my Cancer friend if he wanted to hangout and drink together last night. We did so, and didn’t stop hanging out until about an hour ago (it is now morning). 

I pulled an all-nighter on Sunday night to finish homework, and another last night to take a four hour drive and play drunk board games. 

Hm. I have a very important research poster to put together today, I really hope my eyes can stay open long enough to complete it. I have so many canker sores. I can’t stop biting the side of my cheeks (both on accident and purpose). My stomach is growling but the thought of any kind of food rubbing up against these open wounds can shift the electrical impulses in my brain from fulfilling the desire for nutrients to fulfilling the desire to not be in pain. 

Talking is difficult. I find my words slurring together and apart far more harshly than any cheap vodka could cause. 

I think the friendship with the Cancer is a little too honest, on my end. I presented myself as someone who speaks her mind and doesn’t give a flying fuck about the secrets she’s been holding behind her character front for years and years. It’s fun--to tell the truth all the time--but the amount of exposure time I’m allowing the Cancer friend and his roommates (also in my major, so kind of acquaintances) to see of my honest self will prove unsatisfactory in the end, I’m afraid. I talk about myself way too much in this state of mind. I can’t stop voicing my opinion about someone’s opinion without this “me me me” complex. I have to start caring (or at least pretending to care) about what others have to say again or I will end up very, very sad and lonely. 

The Cancer has a mad crush on me. I can feel it. But I’m too fucking selfish and too fucking attention hungry to make him stop chasing smitten reveries down an endless rabbit hole.   

I’m sorry.

[weakkk-blog]

4/15/16

With love, from Adderall. 

My dosage was upped to 20mg pills 3x a day. I just picked up this prescription on Sunday after being out for several days. And did I take my prescribed dose like a regular good human consumer? 

Haha of fucking course not. 

Because I have a huge resentment towards myself, I munched on far more than three of these babies for the first couple days I had them. Man, I felt so great. So open to interaction. So ready to learn about anything. 

These pills opened the doors of my thoughts too wide. 

I told two people (mere acquaintances, but now I guess somewhat more) that I attempted suicide, was hospitalized for writing suicide letters, used to cut myself almost daily, and got a DUI from totaling my car. I received the same confidential information back, the Aries had frequent thoughts of suicide and the Cancer had begun cutting himself again (I feel mildly responsible for his well-being, now). 

That was Sunday and Monday. On Monday evening, my amped brain decided to take a long drive instead of sleep. Then on Tuesday I had to study all day for my two exams on Wednesday. I barely slept Tuesday night due to the amount of Adderall circulating in my body, and what sleep I did receive consisted of incredibly crude and frightening images. 

I didn’t take any yesterday, which resulted in going to bed at 3pm and not waking up until 8am this morning. 

I still have so much to do. So much homework. Studying to prepare for. A research poster to create. Learning how to create a research poster. 

But for right now, I need to allow my body a break from four days of consecutively swirling information. I apologize, body. I know we don’t regret anything that happened, but I’m so sorry for putting you through what I did. 

Pre-gaming for finals week.

[weakkk-blog]

4/5/16

Well... I’ve officially had sex with more than one person. 

If you read my post from Saturday, I invited an ex-fling Gemini over (keep note that I texted him to come over at 10pm, and he lives two hours away) and after some light pushing he did end up staying the night. 

I was just... So in the mood for some reason... And currently I have no one to fulfill the needs I needed to be fulfilled that evening so the Gemini just kinda happened as a last-resort-only-resort. 

When he finally arrived, I was already decently intoxicated. We talked for an hour or two--I kind of forgot how nice of a conversationalist he is--and then I turned out the lights for “sleep time”. 

I’ve discovered I really like it when I’m doing something with a guy and every once in a while he asks “is that okay?” “do you like that okay?” “am I hurting you?”. Before I had any experience whatsoever, I thought I’d find this annoying. But really, it just turns me on more. 

I can’t say I regret having him stay over. Though the more time that passes, the stranger it is for me to think that I’ve now slept with two different guys. I know this is a very low number in comparison with everyone else my age, but now I feel I am to chose a path of either following this route (sleeping with guys I’m not in a relationship with whenever I get aroused) or the path of waiting for my emotional shitstorm to subside long enough for a romantic relationship to evolve. 

I hate that I’m putting so much effort into this thought. I really need to study and prepare for the three exams I have next week.  

[weakkk-blog]

4/3/16

Alright well I’m intoxicated so here’s an update of my current life brought to you by an inebriated me. 

Remember that speech I typed about with a worried tone last post? Well, I ended up winning the election 12 to 3. I haven’t the slightest clue as to how I accomplished that, and when I think about it too hard I can’t help but wonder why 12 out of 15 people voted for me to be treasurer versus a math major. I do not know these people well. And while the math major didn’t present much of an alluring speech, I cannot say mine was any more inspiring. Still, my confidence shot through the roof when the final tallies came in. 

In other news, I watched Star Wars Episode VII with my Taurus friend (aka future roommate) and his current roommates. He had quite honestly the greatest idea of getting secretly drunk during the movie, thus my state of being. However... During the movie, for some reason I became incredibly horny and really just wanted someone to makeout with. Any of the fellows there (except my Taurus friend) would have made the cut, but suddenly hooking up with someone during a group movie hangout session seems to be against the rules of group hangouts. So, what did I do instead? 

I texted an old almost-boyfriend of mine from my freshman year of college. The Gemini. The six-years-older-than-me Gemini that cut me out of his life because I was not serious enough about our relationship (he was about to graduate our grad program here, and I was just starting my first semester of college, what did he expect?!). He has been trying to reach out to me for the past several months, and my months-long untapped sexual needs finally decided he was the best person to fulfill those needs. 

He’s on his way to my apartment now. A two-hour drive my drunk self convinced him to do. 

Drunk me to sober me, I hope I don’t regret this in the morning.

[weakkk-blog]

4/1/16

I was nominated to be treasurer for the Physics Club at my university. 

I can count the number of times I’ve attended the Physics Club meetings on one hand. It’s my belief that I was nominated only because of my lack of attendance (if you hold an officer position, attendance is absolutely mandatory). 

At first I was okay with this--it looks good on resumes and job/grad school applications. 

But yesterday I was informed that before I can hold this position, I have to give a speech on why I should be elected. In front of all my physics professors and fellow classmates.   

Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway), I’m fucking terrified. Not only am I already terrible at presentations, but now I have present myself as an ideal candidate and basically sell myself for votes. 

I have T minus one hour until this occurs. I’ve already taken a large amount of Alprazolam for nerves but I’m still incredibly anxious. 

Oh god oh god oh god

[weakkk-blog]

3/30/16

For the first time in a long while, I am genuinely excited for the near future. 

Last week was my Spring Break. On the Friday prior, my Taurus friend and I had a “study & drink sesh” in which we reward ourselves with liquor after completing all/most of our homework. During the drinkdrankdrunk period, he brought up the idea of me moving into an apartment with him (as friends, I have no intention of a romantic relationship).

I am quite easily persuadable while intoxicated.  

He had mentioned being roommates before, but I had already signed a contract at my current state of residence and wasn’t up for the ordeal of cancelling. But throughout my [mostly] sober week at home, I couldn’t help but realize how markedly the pros of moving in with him outweighed the cons of moving out.  

I can bring my cat. I get my own bathroom. The rent is cheaper. I obtain a slight social advantage by rooming with a ~founding father~ of a fraternity consisting mostly of people in my major (I hear it’s smart to build connections).

So, I filed a cancellation application and filled out a confirmation application. I am officially living with a Taurus guy for Autumn 2016 and Spring 2017. (!!!!)

In other news, I visited the doctor during Spring Break and found out I gained 10 pounds since my last visit in August. There’s a combination of factors that led to this but I mostly blame quitting Topamax. Whatever.

In other other news, my relationship with the Capricorn has completely doused in shit. After he stood me up for studying one Tuesday a fortnight ago, I gave him the coldest shoulder (I only have two, the other is quite warm) for the remainder of the week and shot very negative vibes his way. This was probably a very stupid decision on my part, but I would have reacted the same with anyone who’d have done what he did. However, he chose to exhibit the same reaction.  

Unfortunately I still have mad naive feelings for him. Every single sign points rather plainly in the direction of MOVE THE FUCK ON but my hardcore pre-established crush customs cannot allow me to do so. 

I very much dislike my hardcore pre-established crush customs.   

[weakkk-blog]

3/17/16

Oh look! Another post about my Adderall consumption! Quelle surprise!

I was finally able to pick up my prescription yesterday. I made the mistake of believing I could pick it up three days ago (Sunday) and had to go to my classes on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday morning without Adderall in my system.

I’ve been so tired. Monday was bearable though not perfectly okay, but Tuesday morning I had to forcibly remove myself from bed (one arm pulled the other arm until I fell off the bed) and ended up skipping my 11am class and half-assing my information contribution during my hour-long research meeting. After getting back to my apartment around 3pm, I binged on a mini chocolate cake, gluten free chocolate chip cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and peanut butter sandwich crackers until I was so exhausted I took a three hour nap. I woke up around 7pm, made myself dinner (though I felt so full already I don’t know why I decided to eat more), then went to bed an hour later. 

I woke up yesterday morning and skipped my morning workout in exchange for more sleep time. I went to my 8am class still so totally and completely drained of energy. I skipped my 9am class so I could drive to the pharmacy and get my prescription filled.

It’s a bit distressing to recall how giddy I felt about having a full refill of Adderall again. I actually screamed with excitement in my car. 

I was still ridiculously tired so I took another nap. When I woke up I had received two texts: one from my Capricorn crush asking if I wanted to work on homework with him and this other guy from our class, and one from my Taurus friend asking if I wanted to study and drink with him. 

I said yes to the Capricorn of course, though I had already finished the homework he wanted to work on before he texted me (I didn’t care... my crush was asking me to hangout!!!). However, during class last night, I’m pretty sure I overheard him and this other kid talking about some girl the Capricorn is talking to and in to. I don’t remember the exact phrases I heard, but I know the girl he was referring to wasn’t me. 

That kind of ruined the remainder of my evening. 

I texted the Taurus this morning and asked if he was still up to study and drink later today (which means I’ll need to somehow politely cancel the homework plans with the Cap). 

I don’t need to waste my time drooling over some Capricorn who’s so blatantly smitten for another girl.     

[weakkk-blog]

3/13/16

I feel really shitty. 

My mother came to visit me at college this morning. We planned on going to this local breakfast place for brunch so naturally I decided it would be of my best interest to ingest Adderall beforehand, so I wouldn’t be so silent and distant like I usually am. I did so, but I may have neglected to down my Alprazolam XR (I am almost out... And my doctor’s appointment isn’t until next Tuesday...) so I may have had an exponential increase of anxiety and caused my lips to be so tightly cinched shut I appeared even more silent and more distant than my usual.

I don’t know. This gross feeling is probably a combination of refusing to take my medication and my Taurus friend completely ignoring me on Friday (he couldn’t hangout bc he recently joined this new fraternity at my college, which is a-whole-nother post topic about my inferiority as a woman in a man’s field of study in and of itself) and getting a C on my calculus III exam despite the fact I studied my ass off for it and feeling fucking stupid for wasting my weekends on binge food and mediocre Netflix shows and being forced to think about a future 5 years from now because it’s the only question people seem to know how to ask and the Capricorn I’m crushing on just being a fucking Capricorn.

I’d quit my current major and study for an English degree but the run-on sentence I just produced would have professors cringe more than I do when I look back at the life I’ve made for myself (awwww, poor you).

Oh, and last Friday I declared a Computer Science minor to compliment my Physics major and also allow me to stay at this university for another year (previously I had been made aware of the fact that I’d be finishing all my credit hours by next Spring and could graduate a year early, which quite honestly is scary as shit). 

Physics and Computer Science. I wonder what my high school freshman self would think if she knew she’d turn out to be such an isolated nerd.   

[weakkk-blog]

3/7/16

Omg omg OMG

A couple weeks ago I got the drunk confidence to ask my Capricorn crush if he’d be my partner for an assignment we have to do in one of the classes we have together. I knew this project would take a lot of time due to the amount of data we have to collect, so I knew it’d force us to spend a lot of time together. 

Our group (him, me, and this other guy) met for the first time today. 

First butterfly to flutter in the pit of my stomach appeared yesterday when he texted me asking what sort of information we needed to include (this text included exclamation marks and one “haha”). He never asked for my number, which means he had to have asked one of our common friends for it. Flutter. 

Second butterfly to flutter came when he asked for my opinion on a personal problem he’s having with one of his friends (who is also one of my friends). He showed me a text he received from him, and said the conflict seemed to need a “third party opinion”. Flutter. 

Third, fourth, and fifth butterfly to flutter emerged when he left the meeting with me. He saw some people he knew and stopped to talk to them; I stopped for a moment but walked away after I realized I couldn’t add anything to their conversation. Once I did he immediately stopped their conversation and started walking with me again. He rode the shuttle with me back to my apartment complex, and while waiting for the shuttle to arrive and also during the shuttle ride we had a conversation longer than any conversation I ever had with him previously. 

I’m so happy. So stupidly excited. Does this mean I’m in?? Could I actually have accomplished a potential relationship with him??? 

I know I have to take this really slow. Really, really slow. My first instinct is to aggressively include myself in his life (by texting him, inviting him to all my things, asking him questions that are too deep, etc) but from past experiences I’ve figured that to have negative outcomes. 

But I must continue to move slowly. He is a Capricorn, after all. 

I just have so many fucking butterflies right now.

[weakkk-blog]

3/1/16

I’ve finished all of my homework for the week and I don’t have any exams to study for. 

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spent the last two weeks hardcore studying and this week I feel a weird void. I suppose I could prepare notes for my lectures, but it’s kind of peaceful not doing anything. 

Last Thursday I stayed up the entire night studying with this new friend (I’ve mentioned him in previous posts--now that I know he’s a Cancer he will be referred to as such). I only half-intended him to stay by my side shoving Modern Physics equations down our throats into the wee hours of the morning, but I actually really enjoyed his company. 

He asked me a lot of questions. Basic “get to know you” type questions. He has a better sense of who I am now--at least according to my responses--and I know not of what he intends to do with that information. 

I am still crushing on his Capricorn friend. Every day it FEELS like I’m getting closer to him, though in retrospect I am no closer to him than I was at the beginning of the semester. I wish I could talk to him one-on-one. I wish I didn’t contemplate every sentence before letting it exit my mouth while conversing with him. 

I really wish I could kiss him and discover how terrible of a kisser he is so I can move on to bigger and better things and people.  

[weakkk-blog]

2/22/16

I'm finding it difficult to describe the sort of lethargy one feels when in absence of amphetamines. I usually don't take my Adderall over the weekend, just so my brain can take a break from running so fast for so many hours during the week. So what ends up occurring during Friday nights, all of Saturday, and the majority of Sunday is a huge binge eating episode coupled with half-heartedly watching a series on Netflix back-to-back with a side of neglect for anything hygienic or healthy (no gym, no showers, barely brush my fucking teeth) topped with a bitter, bitter attitude towards my roommates. I feel incredibly disgusting by Monday morning. Recently I haven't even been giving enough of a shit to fix my body from stuffing it with calories for three days straight, I just continue to graze all week long until the binging begins again on Friday. This is the worst habit I have ever picked up on. I want to---- I began typing out a sentence that goes something like "I want to change, but--" and had to delete it. My inner motivational speaker started shouting THEN WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU you control your actions you have control you have control you have control. Your actions are the one thing for certain you can always control so if you really want to change then fucking change. Take fucking control. Control. Can I get that tattooed on my hand without people asking of its significance? Other things: • I have two exams this week, both of which are in the two classes I care most about because they are taught by the two professors in my field of study. I fear I'll fail both. • I was invited to the movies by that one kid I mentioned in a previous post who I complained about my loneliness problems to. Apparently a whole lot of physics majors went--a perfect time to socialize--but I decided to take one too many Xanax and slept the whole afternoon instead. • I was thinking about what's been making me happy or excited to go onto another day recently and unfortunately I realized that it's seeing the Capricorn I have a crush on in class and hoping he speaks to me. The thought made me so distraught that I decided to make this post instead of sleep on it. • I feel I'm always fighting against time. Rushing to study to finish homework to learn a subject to get side shit done... I plan out my days the night before hour-by-hour. I fear my future because I'm either battling my present state for a better future or so focused on not focusing I forget I even have one.

[weakkk-blog]

2/18/16

Well... Once again I have proved my progression of stupid actions despite the oh-so-blatant level of their idiocy. 

I finished my supply of Adderall 9 days before the next prescription date (damn “too soon to refill” regulations), and in an oh god it’s only Monday if I don’t have amphetamines running through my system until at least Friday I won’t get any homework done and I won’t study for my Linear Algebra exam and I’ll fall far far far behind on everything oh god no type panic, I texted my old Taurus friend if I could buy some of his Vyvanse.

I spent $20 on 8 pills. I was actually quite shocked when he gave me that many--I was only expecting 4 or 5--which insinuated the most delusional delightful thought that these 8 pills could last me until my Adderall prescription was ready for pick up, perfect!

Haha. No. 

It’s Thursday night now, and I possess a whooping zero Vyvanse and zero Adderall. I need to study this weekend, but not-so-deep-down I know that without these stupid pills I will spend the next 72 hours in my bed binge eating and binge watching X-Files. 

My reliance on these beautifully manufactured batch of chemicals is reaching new heights of disorder.  

[weakkk-blog]

2/15/16

Oh god ohgodohgodohgod what am I doing why am I doing this why can’t I stop why don’t I want to stop what happened to my contentedness why did I let it turn to shit what the fuck am I doing?

I just returned to my apartment from my first Calculus III exam and I know I completely bombed it. I barely knew the correct equations to use and only partially finished all of the problems and still went over class time to half-ass complete the exam. I failed it. I know I did. This professor is particularly harsh in his grading manner and will have no problem giving me a 37/100 points. 

I told myself to study this weekend. I waited until Sunday night to even crack open my notes and neglected to retain any of the information. I stayed up all night wasting time reminiscing through fucking Facebook photos of my middle school days and didn’t bother to study. 

I am such a loser.

Furthermore, the Pisces has tried to contact me via Tumblr chat and I decided to again ignore his attempt at re-opening a conversation between us. Why do I continue to burn half-completed bridges--bridges I did not even assist in building but instead sat back with a bottle of cheap vodka and watched while the other laid in the stonework? 

I told myself I wanted friends. Getting drunk off of another human’s effort to build such a friendship is not exactly the way to go about making friends. 

I am such a loser. 

In news unrelated to my lack of success, the Capricorn has actually begun to talk with me (usually he acts as if I’m not even present in the room). I even got the balls--acquired through much Xanax and liquor--to ask him to be my partner for an upcoming assignment. 

Will I be able to maintain a proper human connection with him? Previous evidence suggests no. Though perhaps my intense intrigue with this Capricorn will give me enough courage to pick up a few stones and actually finish one goddamn bridge.

I feel very doubtful in my abilities. 

[weakkk-blog]

2/9/16

I had a dream about my ex boyfriend last night....

.......

It feels very strange to have dreamt about him, I never even did that while we were together. Now here I am. Stringing subconscious thoughts of romantic and playful sleepovers into my most vulnerable state of mind. 

I never called the Pisces back this weekend. I wish I could say I have no idea why I did that I totally want a totally solid relationship with a totally rad kid but the truth is I don’t believe it would have worked out in the long run, so why the hell waste my time now? 

This was probably a very, very poor decision. 

I wonder if he’ll continue to attempt to contact me. Should I do what I always do and just completely ignore him? Should I try and explain to him what the problem (my problem) is? 

In all likelihood, I’ll do the former. 

PS My crush on the Capricorn continues to grow like an itch just between your shoulder blades where you can’t reach unless you strain yourself or rub it against a wall.