My True Calling Is Being A Scooby Doo Villian

I do Science 23/She/Her/Hers

[wadey-wilson]

I think you’re gonna be a bad teacher.

[wackd-archive]

he could remember that long password but not what any given electronic is called

[twilightofthesandwiches]

Remembering the password is *useful*, rememebring the name of Goobers isn’t inherently so.

[wackd-archive]

fair

[itswalky]

the bit of animation where peter throws the monitor behind them as they run is basically my favorite thing

[zingoogniz]

he got that password by watching a mirrored reflection of her hands, through a grate in the ceiling.

[zingoogniz]

but still has to peck at the letters with single fingers

[theroseandthebeast]

#listen the inherent core of any Spider-Man is a blend of hyper-competence and absolute chaotic disaster energy #this is just the middle-aged disaster version instead of the teenager disaster version (galwednesday)

[shigraki]

washing machines are so cute they just throw clothes around in some water then sing a song. fucking superb

[xenosaurus]

I think it was before I started posting story concepts on tumblr but I had an old concept called ‘apocalyptia’ which was a dark comedy about a world where every apocalypse movie premise happened simultaneously

[xenosaurus]

The big joke was that all these HUGE disasters cancelled each other out. A bunch of shit flooding kept the zombies contained. The super intelligent apes stopped global warming. The leather-clad motorcycle murder gangs intimidate the alien invaders.

[xenosaurus]

Everything sucks in like 8 overlapping ways but it’s just become the norm at this point. There’s a guy named Cannibal Jack that people trust to cook for them for some reason.

[xenosaurus]

The main character is a recluse with a shotgun who just wants to sit in her shack and give cynical advice to passing young people, but unfortunately, her younger brother and only surviving family member is a conman with his fingers in every stupid decision being made within a ten mile radius

[xenosaurus]

The brother’s name is Sal, which is short for SOMETHING but he changes his answer every time. He seems to think this qualifies as an alias, and bizarrely, it usually works. Notable ‘definitely Sal’s real name’ options include Salt, Salmon, Salamander, and Salad.

His sister’s name is Marian, occasionally called Misery Marian. It is a running joke that young characters think this is a reference to her bad attitude, but anyone who actually CALLS her that is clearly terrified of her for some unspecified reason.

[xenosaurus]

Sal’s got an on-again off-again business partner by the name of Kent Bardsley, who is just.... SO irresponsibly horny. Sal’s motivation is money, but Kent’s is sex. He keeps getting run out of town for sleeping with important people’s wives. He’s an idiot, but he’s not a conman like Sal, he just helps him with his schemes as an in to towns so he can visit his assortment of fuckbuddies.

The joke of Kent’s character is that the ‘apocalypse’ he’s part of is conservative scaremongering about sexual freedom destroying society. He gets a last name because while Sal calls him Kenny, Marian calls him ‘Bardsley’ with deep contempt.

[xenosaurus]

The fuck types of our characters so far:

Marian: fuck off

Sal: fuck you, pay me

Kent: fuck me

Cannibal Jack: what the fuck

[xenosaurus]

There’s an alien named Glipix who is investigating why the invasion failed and her analysis tends to boil down to ‘damn bitch you really live like this?’

Kent is really into her but his flirting goes right over her head. Marian’s the only one she respects anyways.

[xenosaurus]

Kent: Hey, you looking to get those eggs fertilized, beautiful?

Glipix: What pollinators are operating on this horrible planet? Did you see one? I need to speak with them if you did.

Kent: uh

[xenosaurus]

I have a mental image for a TV opening where it’s Marian at like.  12.  watching some apocalypse happen through a window and saying “The world ended when I was a girl...” in a really serious tone, and then it pans out to show like 6 other apocalypses happening and her voice turns sarcastic and she says “about thirty fucking times, actually.”

[xenosaurus]

Alright here’s more content for you guys:

—Marian is 46 and spent her 20s and early 30s as a mad max style motorcycle gang member. ‘Misery Marian’ was her moniker while she was LEADING one of these gangs.

—Sal and Kent are somehow unaware of this.

—Sal’s apocalypse is capitalism. Also Godzilla.

—I’m not kidding about that, Sal and Marian’s parents were killed by a giant dinosaur that still sometimes shows up to bother Sal.

[rcmclachlan]

Somebody get Taika on the horn STAT.

[shittycryptids]

bigfoot, but fully shaved

[beefwizard]

mr clean

[gplantman-deactivated20211011]

posts like these are why I have anxiety

[emmettmccartycullen]

#neverforget the time that Bella wore a full length khaki skirt to meet Edward’s family and he basically lost it because he thought she looked so sexy

[rosaliesgay]

the mormon really jumps out in this paragraph

[pwapboi-deactivated20200412]

an 80′s sitcom with a laugh track but the laugh track comes from behind you

[vampire-rae-deactivated20210807]

Thanks! How do I uninstall it?

[pwapboi-deactivated20200412]

It Uninstalls You.

[pwapboi-deactivated20200412]

i warned you

[asleepyteen]

The laugh track plays but now one voice louder

[glumshoe]

Disclaimer: my hatred of geologists is purely theatrical, but if I did have to kill one for some reason, it would be very easy.

I’d brandish my obsidian knife at them and they’d be compelled to approach. “That’s very cool,” they’d say, confident in their superior strength and endurance from all the rocks they carry around at all times. They’d shower me with very interesting facts about obsidian and hover just out of range of the cutting edge, waiting for me to exhaust myself. “But as it is volcanic glass, it’s very fragile, you see, and isn’t well-suited for use as a weap—” and then I’d hit them with the wooden baseball bat in my other hand, which they would not have noticed because geologists can only see rocks and minerals.

[reblogging-dragon]

Showed my Geologist dad a picture of the obsidian knife you had and he nearly said this exact thing word for word. I can't believe my own father would fall prey to this. Clearly you know thine enemy

[glumshoe]

I work too closely with geologists not to have a contingency plan for eliminating them.

[devinellekurtz]

Earthly and Unearthly Alike

[psychicpinenut]

i feel like i’m losing my mind

[glumshoe]

I love when evil aristocrat characters have evil forms of address. Your Royal Lowness. Your Disgrace. Your Dishonor. Your Unholy Majesty.

[glumshoe]

[kicks down door] PRIME MENACER

[pangur-and-grim]

my three good girls, whomst I treasure

[glumshoe]

Yet more of my wizard professor, who has a poodle familiar which follows him everywhere.

I should probably mention that my school also has an astronomy tower decorated with alchemy symbols.

[glumshoe]

RIP, The Wizard. You will be missed.

(Tim Hoyt died in November 2017 from complications of ALS, after many years of delighting students and the masses.)

[draconym]

This evening I offered a strawberry to one of my cast mates in the zorbo show and he declined and said "strawberries are the insects of the fruit world because they keep their skeletons on the outside" and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that

[draconym]

Strawberries aren't even berries, botanically speaking, but you know what is a berry? Watermelon.

[esoteric-theology]

weird noises: happen in the wee hours

me, unaffected: the only supernatural and ominous force in this place is me and i was here first, so whatever and whoever you are you need to Go

[vanwizard]

picard, sitting with worf and troi: okay so you’d like to join our starship crew?

riker: yes! here’s my resume

picard, reading from the paper: will riker is… hungry for responsibility, horny for teamwork, and ready to BUST A NUT up in this starship enterprise! skills include EIGHT-FOOT VERTICAL LEAP. young, dumb, and full of… y’know. winky face. thanks for your time. i love you.

worf: if i could legally kill you, i would

troi: i don’t know, i kind of liked it

[ornerine]

A dream I had the other night.

[zahnegott]

this is actually TERRIFYING I love this

[0l0x]

2018 Grinch has no edge. He’s got no bite. He’s not even that much of an asshole. He’s just a sassy gay furry with unusually nice teeth despite his famous theme song declaring otherwise.

1966 Grinch? Now that was a mean, scary bastard. He was a crusty old fuck who hated society so much that he only came off his shitty frozen mountain to commit crimes and terrorism out of spite.

Bennyhoo Cumberland Grinch comes down from his mountain to buy groceries.

You can round the edges off a character to make them more “relatable” or whatever, but you also run the risk of losing what defined them in the first place. The end result is bland and generic.

2018 Grinch is a reflection of modern society’s rejection of real character flaws in the interest of being “unproblematic” and in this essay i will

[lovinglystar]

What was your opinion on the Jim Carrey grinch?

[cottagesmasher]

Jim Carrey Grinch said bitch, ate glass and threw a whole child in the garbage. He is an absolute champ and the only rightful heir to the throne.