Tell how was the grooming
I got a DM on Reddit. I was 16 in 2nd grade of hs then, and I had no experience being in any romantic or sexual relationships, so even though I thought it was creepy I couldn't resist replying. He was 27. I told myself this is just a one-time rp thing, I was just curious and it would never be anything real. I set three rules for myself, no pictures, no personal info, and absolutely no meetups (I was convinced that last one would never happen).
We moved to Discord, and he convinced me to send him nudes the next day. I started doing things to myself that he wanted, he got me into more and more extreme stuff, and I started to like it. He'd praise me, and listen to me talk about my interests, and said he loves me, and even when he outright said he was grooming me and said he wished we met me when I was younger (which I knew was wrong), I didn't want to stop. I was abused as a child by my mother, and it still never stopped, I'm so desperate for love from adults I would push through all the conflicting feelings and feelings of disgust to make him feel good.
It didn't take long for me to tell him what city I live in, what school I go to, what my daily schedule is, we exchanged pictures of our faces on a platform that had more strict privacy features, and I sent him a screenshot of the area I live in on Google Maps.
Like two months later, we agreed to meet up. It was supposed to happen in the first week of the school year, when I had most free time. I was supposed to meet him during lunch break every day for a week, and come back to school. He told me he'd rape me, but I was past the point of caring. I told myself I'd like it anyway. A few weeks later, he told me he was scared the police would find him, and he deleted his Discord account. We never went through with the plan.
I still think about what would've happened if we did. I have "nightmares" about it sometimes. I don't think I would've ended up dead, he didn't seem like the murdering type, but how much more would it have fucked me up mentally? Just this already did, I never would've made this blog if it didn't happen. Even before Tumblr I would start posting on NSFW subreddits I hopes I'd get more DMs like his, and started sexting older men regularly. It never felt the same though.
I knew it was wrong, and I still didn't stop. I can't fully blame him, I had these sick thoughts deep down inside me before, he just made them rise to the surface. I know I was "taken advantage of", and "sexually exploited/abused", but I'm already used to being abused by older people idgaf. If this happened when I was 18 and he was 29 nobody would think of it as grooming, and I still would've been just as vulnerable and just as susceptible to being abused, so what's really the difference? I feel guilty because I was never sexually abused as a kid, but I still wanted this. I would've deserved it, I would've deserved to suffer more. Reading those messages again feels disgusting, tbh he was kinda rizzless (atrocious english) and I never would've fallen in love with him now, but I was young and inexperienced so I didn't know better. It makes me wonder how I'll feel about what I'm doing rn in a few years.
Sometimes I don't respond to people who DM me on here when they immediately start asking for nudes because I start feeling sick, but it doesn't take me long to get attached to someone when they're sweet to me. I miss what he made me feel so badly. I miss having someone older who loves me, who talks to me every day, someone who cares for me. I especially miss it when I have a breakdown or ptsd attack or whatever because of my home life, I miss having someone who makes me feel loved.
Ughh holy yap sesh TLDR I was a sick pervert sexting an older sick pervert and I almost met up with him irl and I'm pathetic enough to want it to happen again. DMs open. Asks open.
This is my first time telling anyone about this, I'll prob update this post if I remember more stuff I want to say
