Dear J. Doe

Support blog for all victims/survivors of sexual assault, molestation, incest, domestic violence, and abusive relationships. If you ever see a post that concerns you (reblogged from someone racist, transphobic, etc., or with problematic content), please let us know and we'll work to fix it. This blog is, and always will be, supportive of sex workers. Any asks or submissions sent to us regarding false accusations will not be posted or responded to. This is a safe haven for people who have been through trauma and we want to avoid causing undue stress - doubt is not welcome here. Trigger warning can (and should) be assumed for all content, please don't hesitate to ask if there's something specific you'd like tagged.

[nativenews]

The National Sex Worker Peer-to-Peer Rape/Sexual Assault Helpline, a #SexWorkerOnly hotline is open! @sexworkerhelpfuls @sexworkinfo

Call: [phone] Text: [phone] Chat: bit.ly/cakeshotline

[webelieveyou]

Does being molested at a young age affect sexual habits? I kinda started masturbating at 7 or 8, is that normal?

Rape and sexual abuse can DEFINITELY change how we view sex, and can have a major impact on sexual behaviors.

I think it’s fairly common for CSA survivors to engage in sexual behaviors at an earlier age than they otherwise would have (many survivors will start acting out their abuse with other children, thinking it’s regular and acceptable behavior), maybe to regain control after trauma or as a way of normalizing what happened.

I also know some children just discover that masturbation feels good earlier than others, though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily indicative of current/past abuse.

-L

[webelieveyou]

I am 16 and my 10 year old brother found out that I was sexually assaulted back in 2005. How do I handle this conversation with him?

This is really tough. I would recommend answering his questions honestly, but not graphically. Tailor your answers to his maturity level, almost no one knows him better than you do. You could give him a small lesson about consent, if you wanted, and explain that someone hurt you very much by forcing sexual contact that you didn’t want.

-L

[survivorspeaks]

As someone who’s experienced sexual assault, it’s been a particularly triggering year.

The election of Donald Trump, the outcome of the Brock Turner case, the Bill Cosby trial, and a wave of anti-rape protests at my own university were all events that affected me deeply.

While I can’t promise that 2017 is going to be better, I’m going to enter the year wiser, more resilient, and more compassionate than ever before.

2016 has taught me to take care of myself, so I want to make resolutions that help me do just that.

If you don’t want to make resolutions, I really don’t want you to feel as if this article is pressuring you to make any. Resolutions aren’t for everyone: Many find them hard to stick to and even triggering, given how many resolutions focus on weight loss.

However, we sometimes need a fresh, new start to renew our dedication to practicing self-love and self-care.

I’ve decided to make a few decisions about how to deal with 2017 – decisions that speak to me as a victim of sexual assault. If you’ve been sexually assaulted, I hope that some of these resolutions will speak to you and inspire you to go into 2017 with a renewed sense of self-love and hope.

[webelieveyou]

I'm really confused rn. A girl I knew as a kid would constantly harass me. She would constantly say explicit things and she tried to force me to kiss her a couple times. So, like, does this count as assault?

Forcible sexual touching is sexual assault. Talking to you about sexual things without your consent is sexual harassment.

She sounds like an abuser to me.

-L

[webelieveyou]

i'm confused if i was sexually assaulted/molested or if i'm just overreacting. a couple of weeks ago i was drinking alone with a male friend and i fell asleep in his bed. i knew he liked to have one night stands with girls so i told him i wasn't into him that way and to not get the wrong idea just because i was drinking alone with him. i wake up to him kissing my stomach and neck and he lifted my shirt up when i was asleep. i know it's my fault for sleeping in his bed but was i molested?

1. It is not your fault that you trusted a friend to respect your boundaries. 

2. He is an abusive piece of shit who took advantage of you in a vulnerable position. I would even bet he was more than just taking advantage of an existing situation, I would bet he purposely tried to orchestrate a scenario in which you’d have difficulty fending him off.

So. He’s an abusive piece of PREDATORY shit, and this is not on you.

3. He 100% sexually abused you. 

-L

[webelieveyou]

When I was younger a girl in my class would harass me daily (I was being bullied already, everyone thought it was funny). And she never actually RAPED me, but she did try to kiss me numerous times without consent. Does this count as csa or...?

Forcing sexual contact on someone who doesn’t want it is sexually abusive. If you were both children, it would definitely fall under CoCSA.

-L

[webelieveyou]

does this blog run on a queue? (like, if a post hasnt shown up yet is it because youve not gotten to it yet/its queued?) i hope you have a lovely day <3

I do queue posts/asks/submissions as I find them/answer them, but I have also not been consistent with checking this blog. 

I often feel like I’m letting all of you down, but this year has been rough for me emotionally and I sometimes just don’t have the energy or strength to immerse myself in this type of content.

Thank you for your question, your kindness, and your understanding.

-L

[webelieveyou]

as i was growing up i remember my uncle saying sexual comments directed at me. i developed breasts early and i was wearing a tight fitted shirt with lips on it and he said "looks like you like to be licked all over". i have a deeper feeling that as a child he molested me but im unsure about it and dont want to tell my parents incase he didnt. i also remember my dad grabbing my ass from ages 14/15. ive looked up a lot of symptoms that former victims of csa experience and i relate a lot.

Your uncle and dad were COMPLETELY inappropriate and downright disgusting. I’m so sorry. If you feel that knowing for certain would give you closure, is there any way you could talk to your mom alone about your uncle?

-L

[webelieveyou]

I'm worried i might be repressing memories of past sexual assault. If it actually did happen though, it was 13 years ago when I was five, is it worth pursuing/trying to figure out? I have an idea who might've did it and where i was when it happened

If the feelings you’re having are interfering with you living your life and you think finding the root cause would bring you closure, it could be worth looking into.

I don’t have any experience with repressed memories, but processing trauma was very helpful for me.

Please don’t confront the person unless you know you’re safe to do so, I would recommend talking to a trusted friend or family member first.

-L

[webelieveyou]

I need some advice. I was raped recently but just before that I met a really wonderful guy. We have only hung out a few times, he invited me to his family's thanksgiving, & all we have done is hold hands. He's really wonderful, but I am worried about starting a relationship now. I don't want to ruin stuff with him, but should I tell him what happened & need things to go slow?

If you don’t feel comfortable telling him, you can just say you like to go slow. He doesn’t need to know why (or that there’s a “why” at all) unless you want him to.

It has been beneficial to me to be open with partners, but it’s something I only tell them when I trust them completely. 

-L

[destinyrush]

Also they used a picture that makes him look somewhat positive. It’s ridiculous how far media will go to protect white male privilege.

[periegesisvoid-deactivated]

If he was born in 1997 he’s 19, that’s not exactly “teen” in the context of a murder

[thatsgrace]

What advice would you give to someone who struggles with stress and/or depression?

[sleepbby]

LISTEN @ ALL MEN!! if a girl in ur life trusts you enough to tell u about a negative experience w men, like cat calling, stalking, harassment or abuse, and she says smth along the lines of ‘i hate men’ bc of it DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT reply w ‘so u hate me too??’ ‘what about me?? not me right?’ ‘oh I see I’ll leave you alone’….. get over your ego being hurt and actually support this person that sought out your help… they are your family/partner/friend and they (just) went tru something traumatic and need you! don’t make it about yourself!!!! stop being part of the problem

[webelieveyou]

I feel so unsafe. I worry about when someone is going to pin me down or hurt me again. I'm really small and not strong a bit. People see me as an easy target. I'm so on edge sometimes I start to panic in the middle of class and want to cry. With a group of friends I'm usually too scared to do anything but sit far away from them and nod at what they say. I don't know how to make it better. I'm starting to get physically sick from it.

Please consider talking to a professional if you don’t already, I can relate SO MUCH to the constant fear of others and that was the only thing that helped me.

Other than that, engage in daily self care, maybe do something that makes you feel strong and capable (doesn’t have to be a physical thing, can also be an activity to sharpen your observational skills, that sort of thing).

-L

[webelieveyou]

I was raped by my ex girlfriend in seventh grade. I'm not sure if it counts because we are both physically female and she only fingered me. I feel so scared constantly. I hate myself

Anyone of any gender can be a rapist, and anyone of any gender can be a victim of rape. Your experience is valid.

I can understand the feelings of self loathing, but I want you to know that your girlfriend made the decision to hurt you on her own. Nothing you did had anything to do with her actions, this is ENTIRELY on her.

-L

[webelieveyou]

(anon about being 8-10), 1.was what happened to me molestation or assault or abuse? 2. and should i tell anyone?

There’s a lot of overlap with those terms, I think they could all apply to your situation. It’s really whatever you feel comfortable calling it that’s important.

I’m a big proponent of talking about trauma. This wouldn’t necessarily involve filing a police report if you don’t want to, but confiding in your support system or seeing a mental health professional to deal with the negative emotions and associations that the experience caused you.

-L