😔

[weepybinch]

i’ve been really depressed lately and i think i finally figured out that the root of my problem is that i have nothing to look forward to and a LOT of things to dread. every single day that passes makes me increasingly anxious of the inevitable. i am graduating in a year and not at all prepared or ready for Real Adult Life, where mentally ill autistics like myself are not supported or welcome. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, and although college sucks, it at least keeps me busy and keeps my family satisfied. without it i am gonna be really lost. 

also the political climate has had a pretty serious effect on me. everyone jokes about how things are going to shit but i am legitimately terrified of where the world is headed and how minorities are being treated. it’s gonna get worse, let’s be real. i suspect we are headed for another war.

and obviously, the biggest concern is that my mom has terminal cancer, and although her treatment has gone well so far (it’s coming up on a year) it is going to go downhill at some point. that point could be tomorrow or next month or 5 years, and no one knows how long she’s gonna live. she is The only reason i will not kill myself, and unless i can find more reasons to live i am pretty much gonna die without her. 

maybe i should be on therapy/getting medication increased. but why? neither of those things are gonna fix any of these issues. so uh... mood!

[weepybinch]

so anyway this year is the worst fucking year ever and if it gets any worse i can’t promise i will still be here

[weepybinch]

I just got an email from myself a year ago and in it I said “I hope everyone is still healthy” well Sorry past self but my mom has stage four cancer and I’m more mentally ill than ever and everything is Bad!!

[weepybinch]

i haven’t been this suicidal since freshman year i am a Little worried lol!! i rly need to be in therapy ://///////

[weepybinch]

im gay

I THINK i just worked out something important about my sexuality that has been bothering me lately, and that is being an spectator vs. actually participating

so like, imagining myself (fantasy-wise) being a relationship/having sex with a man is not necessarily Horrifying. like, sometimes i will say stuff like “i’d fuck him”; “i wanna suck his dick”; etc. and the reason i’m able to say these things is because i don’t think about it too hard. and honestly, some men (a minority but still some) are attractive to me. i am terrified to say that because maybe it makes me Less Of A Lesbian or something but w/e it’s true, some guys are cute. [sidenote: all of the men i am attracted to have ‘feminine’ qualities in some way, which is another post entirely]

[also another post: the fact that when i imagine myself with a man, i also see myself as a man in that situation, which used to cause me a lot of weird dysphoria-esque feelings when i identified as bi]

BUT what i have just worked out is that while some men are attractive to me in theory, imaging actually being with them is anywhere from ‘slightly terrifying’ to ‘absolutely fucking nauseating’

when i think of having a (real) relationship with a man, i feel sick. it just feels wrong at the very core, it makes my stomach hurt and makes me anxious. it’s been this way since i was a kid- this was definitely the earliest sign that i was a lesbian but i never noticed it. a prime example is that when i had a crush on a guy in high school, trying to imagine myself in an actual, real relationship with him was so scary and uncomfortable. and all of my friends begged me to ask him out, but i was perfectly happy with just sitting around having a crush on him for ages. why? because the crush was easy, and i knew the fantasy of being with him would always be 100x better than the reality.

when i think of having a (real) relationship with a woman, i feel sort of... light? i feel happy and at ease, i feel like it is right, i feel like everything falls into place and clicks. the first girl i ever had a Real crush on was morgan from high school. i used to think about going on dates with her and holding her hand and all sorts of things and it made me excited instead of terrified. and that’s how i feel with crushes on women in general; i actually want to act on them, unlike crushes on men.

so basically... my ‘attraction’ to men is a weird fantasy thing (most likely fueled by compulsory heterosexuality) and i think lesbian is still the right label for me. and hopefully it always will be because being a lesbian is Good Shit

[tylxo]

I am so terrified of loving someone because you can tell them everything you been through and they’ll put you through it again.

[weepybinch]

hm this has been the worst week ever!! I haven’t used this blog for a long time but I just wanted to log this because lmao yikes

on sunday & monday phillip was in our room for No Reason overnight and threw up in our toilet for hours and made it disgusting and I Did Not want him there

on monday I did pretty bad on an English exam

on tuesday oh boy!! I failed my math exam and then resigned as rockout president in the biggest disaster ever it was so fucking bad

on wednesday I woke up at 4 AM vomiting and went to the health center for 8 hours and wanted to Die very much (& also missed all of my classes)

on thursday I slept all day and missed all of my classes

on friday I was going to go home and have a Nice Weekend but my roommate left a note on my TV letting me know that I’m a piece of shit

[weepybinch]

Every time I read about student loans and college debt I get so upset, my degree is highkey worthless and I’ll never be able to make enough money to pay off all the debt uuugggggghhhhhhh

[weepybinch]

me: *alternatively eating a waffle and salt & vinegar chips*

me: I Am A Beacon Of Sin

[weepybinch]

.........this is why i dont do cam shit anymore

[weepybinch]

this is the most depressing profile i’ve ever seen holy Shit

[weepybinch]

LITERALLY.......... GO TO HELL

[weepybinch]

dear all white people with dreads: Die

[weepybinch]

why do i have a giant crush on someone who is taken... and lives far away... God Dammit

[weepybinch]

me 99% of the time: ew I'm ugly

me after a shower, in bed touching my soft body: I am literally the most desirable person on earth

[weepybinch]

so I was thinking about my bizarre and unsettling crush on The Boy and I realized... this literally happened to me four years ago??

anyway so I remember I went to prom with my friend J*ke (stealing that asterisk thing from u Kait) and we had such a fantastic time, it was awesome!! and the next day we went to a concert together and we slept over at my aunt’s house and shared a bed and cuddled all weekend and it was the best, it was so comfy. and after he left and I was back at home I was listening to some song and suddenly realized “omg I’m in love with J*ke” and cried for an hour and thought about it all night, and thought about how he was Gay oh no he will never love me back

and the next day it literally fucking disappeared, I was like That Happened but my intense love for him or whatever was gone, I realized I was just way deep in friends with him. I realized I never wanted a relationship with him, I just wanna cuddle and be close. and is that not literally what is happening right now?? 

I love T*ler so much, he is so sweet and I’ve got to spend a lot more time with him lately and he’s fun to be around. and although my feelings for him are somewhere in the ‘more than friends’ area I don’t feel like it’s a legitimate crush?? like I have no desire for a relationship with him or anything, I just wanna chill together

and actually I still have these exact same feelings for J*ke too, when he says he’s coming over and we’re gonna cuddle I’m like “yeah!!!!” because it is nice to get pleasant human contact with no expectations? I usually feel this with gay men (lol, idk why cause 99% of them piss me off) and very very rarely with my lady friends.... and by rarely I mean it was one friend ever and it ended up being too weird, maybe because I am attracted to women and I feel some kind of crushing expectation to Take It Further that I don’t feel with gay men

both J*ke and T*ler are super cute and I love them but I don’t feel that specific feeling I get with a crush with either of them so... maybe I am a gold star Lesbean after all lmfao

anyway, these are Some Feelings that I am glad I figured out!!!!

[weepybinch]

anyone: *yells*

me: Shut