i’ve been really depressed lately and i think i finally figured out that the root of my problem is that i have nothing to look forward to and a LOT of things to dread. every single day that passes makes me increasingly anxious of the inevitable. i am graduating in a year and not at all prepared or ready for Real Adult Life, where mentally ill autistics like myself are not supported or welcome. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, and although college sucks, it at least keeps me busy and keeps my family satisfied. without it i am gonna be really lost.
also the political climate has had a pretty serious effect on me. everyone jokes about how things are going to shit but i am legitimately terrified of where the world is headed and how minorities are being treated. it’s gonna get worse, let’s be real. i suspect we are headed for another war.
and obviously, the biggest concern is that my mom has terminal cancer, and although her treatment has gone well so far (it’s coming up on a year) it is going to go downhill at some point. that point could be tomorrow or next month or 5 years, and no one knows how long she’s gonna live. she is The only reason i will not kill myself, and unless i can find more reasons to live i am pretty much gonna die without her.
maybe i should be on therapy/getting medication increased. but why? neither of those things are gonna fix any of these issues. so uh... mood!
