been looking into aromantism and doing some internal work and here are certain things that make me think i'm on the aro spectrum:
when i imagine a hypothetical future, i've never thought about a partner. even as a kid, i always imagined myself alone. this is not at all in a sad way- it's neutral or natural.
as a teen, i was always confused about relationships because i didn't get the difference between a partner and just a close friend you want to have sex with
this never really changed in my adult life, and i had a long term relationship that i inherently viewed this way
i've always found typical romantic stuff to be weird and unnecessary, never got the appeal (gifting flowers or chocolates, big gestures, serenading/reading poetry to someone, candlelit dinners etc.)
ive had relationships, even believed i was in love twice. now im not sure because (this is a different topic but) they may have had to do with my self-worth issues. both of them were ppl who made me feel lovable, worthy and important at really bad mental health periods when i believed the worst about myself.
most of my relationships/situationships were appealing to me because of their social implications, such as; dating that person would give me social clout, sleeping around will make me experienced and 'cool', someone being into me means im desirable/worthy etc.
all of my relationships started out as close friends
as a pre-teen/teen, i don't remember having crushes. friends would ask me who i had a crush on, and eventually i got so annoyed that i picked people to have crushes on (also maybe comphet)
none of my childhood 'celebrity crushes' included any desire to be with them, i just really admired them! (maybe except keira knightley, i'll do anything for her lmao)
the difference between platonic and romantic attraction is almost impossible to tell... but then i do have friends that im obsessed with and love and want to talk to every minute of the day... then is that a crush?
so at the moment, im thinking demiromantic? who the hell knows honestly
My best friend's bff who is also my friend is queer. He is probably gay. He hasn't told us but now we know way too much and here's why :
He is seeing a guy (lets call him K) who went around and is talking about him to everyone and anyone. K outed him and is saying that he is a "top" and he is boasting to people about how he physically assaulted him and some other deeply unsettling stuff that i dont even want to repeat here.
our friend has been in an off and on relationship with him for 6+years now but lately they are back together and we could feel that our friend was behaving strangely, being mean and unforgiving which now in retrospect only shows how mean and unforgiving he must be with his own self.......
We now know that he was also outed in his workplace (because someone saw something on cameras as K and him work in the same building) . Meaning both his career and studies are at risk.
However, we doubt his family knows and in a typical religious family, we know how dangerous that could be, as he will most likely be disowned or worse....
The main problem we are facing is how do we discuss all of this with him. How to let him know we are there for him, without him getting on the defensive and retrieving totally from us. How to tell him all of this without telling him that the guy who told us everything is the one guy he is most jealous of (since he thinks K likes the guy who told us).........
Our friend is in a toxic relationship that is putting him and everything he knows at risk, but so far we see he is still willing to stay in that relationship despite all of this. And we are afraid that if we put that relationship in question he will pull away completely from us and he could think we just are "hating" on him like everyone else who knew of this treated him (his colleagues at work are holding his sexuality as a threat against him)..... How can we ease him into putting his guard down and let us support him through all of this, when he hasn't opened to us first.
I guess the response is just to be there when he wants to talk and open up...
I just want to let him know that it's okay and we love him.
Today a girl i dont know, a total stranger, walked up to me and my friends and awkwardly said to me "hi, excuse me, i love your outfit, you look amazing" and she walked away. I WISH I EXTENDED THE CONVERSATION AND ASKED FOR HER NUMBER OR SOMETHING.... UGHH
I hate myself for it aaaa.... I mean she was probably straight, i mean i dunno, but it was so out of the blue ughhh i dont know. I wish I knew....
This is the first time this happened to me after i discovered im queer. Since I dont go out much and i live in a village in the middle of nowhere...
Next time i will not let it go and i will build a conversation after it.
I'm posting this in case it is useful for anyone..
At the point I'm regarding comp het.. I wonder if it can be completely beaten. Maybe eventually and I'm not in that stage yet. In 2019 and 2020 I still struggled with comp het and then it hadn't happened until last month with that guy..
I have seen comp het is basically thinking a guy is cool and asuming that is attraction. Then if you have positive feelings about him it is just you wanting to be his friend, but our mind wants us to interpret as having a crush/being in love, because of what society has taught us
So.. having a relationship/romance with a guy is way easier (than finding a gay girl) and even socially encouraged.. so these thoughts brainwash us into thinking/feeling it would be fun to flirt with a guy or kiss him. And apparently that brainwash is so strong that we feel as if we really liked him
I think it also depends on whether the guy acts like he likes you or not. I think if that guy had never acted like he liked me I wouldn't even have payed attention to him, yknow?
Ok but so, is there a way to beat it.. to never feel this again?
What has worked for me so far since 2019/2020 is... once that I understood what it was and confirmed that was indeed what I was feeling for guys (all the above explanation lol) whenever I felt it again I just didn't take it seriously.
I knew if I imagined a real situation or follow through after flirting or kissing some guy, I knew in real life I won't like it. I wouldn't want to have sex with the guy for real, or have a relationship with him. My past relationships with ex boyfriends was a game of me playing the part of girlfriend..that's what it feels like.
Even in extreme cases (being lesbian and horny lol) when you think um I could fuck this guy once.... then it just feels like using the guy for your pleasure, yknow.. and with a girl it would feel like real attraction and pleasure. For example, sometimes I have thought about "would I fuck this actor who is my favorite" and there is just the extreme admiration plus horniness that could make me use him, use him like a sex toy yknow? But it's not *real* ... and I don't even feel like fucking him every time, sometimes my mind tries to do it but I don't even like it bc I'm not in the mood that time. But with women/girls it's always the instant attraction
Another thing that was useful for me to discover was, that when I thought a guy was "handsome/beautiful" I thought of them as a statue, as a painting. A thing again, that is not alive.. you don't want to fuck a painting. It's just an image, art that you are not blind and can think it is beautiful or even sexy BUT it doesn't turn you on for real
So back to not taking it seriously.. (I'm giving all these explanations because that is what helped me not take it seriously).. maybe that programming from society where it instantly makes us feel we "like a guy" will take more time or years, to not feel it instantly. But if we recognize immediately it is not real, and what are the reasons behind us feeling those things, we can shut it down more quickly in the moment, not take it seriously. And I think practicing this has worked for me to feel it a little less every time... maybe it can go away completely one day. For example, even if I felt like that about that guy in the post that day (because I was lonely) I thought about him the next day and that was it yknow, haven't thought about him since. I realize it is not real.
When we think about comp het being annoying and wanting it to go away that proves once more that we don't identify with that, with liking guys for real
Comp het might just be a matter of being horny/lonely in one moment, and being brainwashed by society into feeling like playing The Game with a guy will be fulfilling for you. It's an instant programming because we feel "I like him" but in reality it is "I wish I could experience the love/romance I want through this guy bc that's the way it's supposed to be according to society and he is cool"
So I think with practice and not taking it seriously it could completely disappear one day, or hell, if just in the moment you decide "hm this is not real" it could disappear right there
Today is the first day i felt butterflies when thinking about a girl. Actual butterflies that took my breath away.
I need to talk about this whole relationship.
I dont want to ruin out friendship, I dont want to put too much expectations on us, coz that's what im most afraid of, that's what scares me away in LDR : having so much commitment and doing so many sacrifices without thed sweetness of every day life cuddles and comfort that makes it 100% worthwhile.
I am just rambling, i dunno if it's a good idea to turn her and my world upside down... But idk .... I guess i will just go with the flow and she will too and we will seewhere that takes us.
Today i had the talk with my friend... About my sexuality. Basically i came out.
We were talking about attraction and asexuality (we both are prob on the ace spectrum) and that when i was like "idk if i feel as asexual with women as i feel with men". She responded with "you really dont. I dont think you like men." And that hit me hard, coz she knows me, she really does and her saying that...... It made me feel so validated. Altho im confused in my sexuality still, i now have a friend to talk to about it and that makes it soooo much better.
I miss human touch..... But not like in reality, that's disgusting..... I miss a touch that is so gentle that it is imaginary.
I miss my friends, i miss the safety of their words and the warmth that their presence bring to my heart. I miss their companionship and complicity....
I'm so lonely.... I never thought I would feel lonely.... I'm so used to be alone.... I used to feel safe when being alone. But now i feel vulnerable. Adult life is so hard. And responsibility is harder.... I want to disappear, to run away, to stop existing.
I want to just exist in peace. And apparently, that is very hard to happen in this world.
Biological sex is not and has never been a binary. The complexity of the natural world cannot be contained in neat little societal boxes. Stop using science to justify your bigotry.
telling gay men that they are allowed to love each other freely, openly, and passionately will always be more important than reassuring insecure straight men that they can hug their bestie without being gay
the solution to men withholding love and affection from each other out of fear of being perceived as gay is to remove the stigma around being perceived as gay, not to "no homo" male affection
When i walked into my friend's apartment yesterday, the last thing i expected to see was her flatmate walking out of the shower naked with soap still lathered on.... laughing at my surprised face.
And how can i say this in a respectful way.... I saw tiddies, huge soapy tiddies, and me was shocked but me still think about said tiddies while brushing teeth this morning.
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