BatFam Trash

[sparkle-robin-4]

All of Bruce's kids have come out to him as some form of homosexual that when it comes to Duke, Bruce just assumes he's queer and is too scared to tell him for some reason.

Sure, literally everyone in this family, including Bruce, are publically out it's still normal to be afraid to come out and Bruce thinks he just needs an extra push.

He starts asking Duke things about his love life, starts saying shit like "I'm always here for you, you know that right?" and even resorts to dumbass shit like leaving little rainbow flags in places he knows Duke will find them.

Duke is freaking out.

Duke: guys, Bruce is acting really strange.

Jason: he's always acting strange. It's Bruce.

Duke: yeah but like extra strange

Tim: strange how?

Duke: idk man he's like, being strangely supportive. Like in a creepy way. And he keeps asking if I have a "lover" and what my type is. It's really weirdly invasive and I don't know what to do

Everyone:

Jason, starts laughing hysterically:

Dick: Duke-

Tim: oh my god.

Dick: Duke he-

Steph, wheezing: holy shit

Dick: Duke he thinks your gay and he's trying to see if you'll come out to him

Duke: but I'm not gay ????

Jason, still laughing: I think he just assumes any kid around him is some form of gay at this point

Damian: I suppose none of us are heterosexuals

So, Duke has to sit Bruce down and break the news that he is straight and exclusively likes girls. Bruce is surprised, thanks him for telling him and now says shit like "I know it's hard but we can get through this"

The kids love it.

Jason, who is still laughing: you had to come out to Bruce as STRAIGHT. This is the best day ever!

[ciricearts]

whoops he fell asleep

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Lois: describe your family members in one word.

Bruce: I could never summarize my boys in one word.

Bruce:

Bruce: I can do it in two.

B to Dick: parent issues.

B to Jason: parent issues.

B to Tim: parent issues

B to Damian: surprisingly normal.

B to Clark: parent issues.

B to Conner: parent issues.

B to Jon: surprisingly abnormal.

The room:

Tim: well as long as he doesn’t have parent issues we should be ok guys.

[airplanecrashingtowardstheground]

Dick: So, how did it go with Kon's family? You guys seem really buddy-buddy on Instagram. I also saw that that hair thing backfired, huh?

Tim: Yeah, it was great. I mean, they're just such a nice... I don't want to use "family," 'cause they like each other, but they're a nice group of people.

[emmcfrxst]

you will NOT disrespect mine and bruce’s wife talia al ghul !!!!!!!!!!!!! i will write paragraphs to defend her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will also put cockroaches in your pillowcase !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[harveii]

bruce wayne: we're going undercover for this one—

dick grayson: ooh, wait, we should come up with backstories!!

jason todd: no, we really shouldn't—

dick grayson: I'll be ... richard silverman, a twenty-six-year-old botanist who moonlights as a waiter to make ends meet for myself and my two dogs at home.

jason todd: dude, no—

dick grayson: actually, screw the waiter thing, I'll say that I'm an exotic dancer instead. that way I have an explanation for my flexibility.

jason todd: absolutely not—

dick grayson: and if anyone asks, make sure to tell them that I don't do private shows ... at least not since my former-lover nikolas ruined me for anyone else and left me for another.

jason todd: ... *sighs*

jason todd: fine, I'll be ... joziah, the one who stole nikolas from you.

dick grayson: *lets out a horrified gasp*

bruce wayne: *leaves*

[tmufruitss]

well

[gracefuldisasters]

Superman 2025 was fantastic. I enjoyed literally every moment of it. Have some Robins instead.

Once again, I could not resist the calls of sibling dynamics

[stillnotsquashed]

Teacher: Mr Wayne, thank you for coming in. We need to talk about Damian’s family tree project. Firstly, he is claiming his mother is Talia al Ghul, the renowned terrorist.

Bruce: Ah, yes, well she is.

Teacher: I'm sorry? You and her... None of my business. Now he claims his grandfather, uh, Ra's... He claims he is 687 years old. That can't be right.

Bruce: It's not. Me and him are in a disagreement about it. I think Ra's is only 679 but you know what Damian’s like.

Teacher: I... I guess so. Now in this section he did on his siblings, he has included Jason Todd, which I thought was very sweet of him only he. Well, he gives him one birth and death date and then he includes a 'rebirth' date and when I asked him about it... Mr Wayne, are you alright?

Bruce: *tearing up* He listed all his siblings. Even Tim!

[papayafromtv]

Bruce walks into the cave’s medbay to see Jason curled up on one of the medical cots while Tim stands nearby biting his lip and they both just look so ashamed of themselves that Bruce just sighs.

“What did you do. How is Jason hurt.”

“…You aren’t allowed to be mad.” Jason responds slowly. Looking up to the ceiling and mentally asking for strength, Bruce nods.

“Alright. Fine.”

“…You also aren’t allowed to judge.”

A pause, Bruce lowers his head, wary as he scans his children. “Why would I judge an injury my son has suffered?”

“…I have a gunshot wound in my stomach.”

Bruce freezes, panic momentarily flooding him until he reminds himself of Jason’s status of alive and well in front of him, and then he clocks the cautious but skittish aura of the two in front of him, and, very well aware that his children can and will do horrific amounts of runaway-parkour while mortally wounded if it means they think they’re escaping what they consider to be Bruce’s ‘overdramatic reactions’ that Bruce calls ‘parenting’, he forces himself to relax.

“I see.” He says, evenly. “Has it been treated?”

“Tim stitched it up.”

“I see.” He repeats, as Tim chews the inside of his cheek and firmly keeps his gaze on the floor. “And, um, how… did you receive this gunshot wound?”

Silence. Jason and Tim exchange ashamed eye contact. Bruce waits patiently.

Eventually, Jason sighs. “We wanted to test the new bulletproof chest plates we got from the JL.”

Bruce closed his eyes momentarily. “Uh-huh,” He encourages calmly. Tim picks up where Jason leaves off.

“We forgot to put the chest plate on before I took the shot.”

Bruce took in a breath, opening his eyes and aiming them at the ceiling. “I won’t lie to you, I am judging a little bit. Did we learn anything?”

“Yeah,” Jason snipes petulantly, shifting to curl up further in the bed. “Next time make the Replacement the target.”

[papayafromtv]

Dick: i remember when i was a kid, and Bruce had just taken me in while trying to track down the guy who killed my parents.

Dick: he knew i needed the closure of bringing him to justice so he had to train me up pretty quick.

Jason: yeah you were allowed out almost immediately, but when he took me in i had to go through like, a massive training course until i was even allowed out on patrol. even longer until i was allowed to actively engage with criminals.

Dick: yeah he was wary with you; to be fair i got punched a LOT in those early days

Jason: a lot of damage to the head would make sense for you, honestly

Dick: oi-

Tim: i mean i did have training, but it was kinda moot because i was active as Robin throughout the whole thing anyway. i just showed up completely unprepared and wouldn’t leave B alone.

Jason: it is interesting how different all our experiences were with Bruce’s training.

Dick: *hums*

Tim: yeah

Damian:

Damian: i came pre-assembled.

the others:

Damian:

Damian: well i did-

Tim: like an ikea flat-pack.

Damian: like a what now

-later-

Bruce, eating lunch: what is this

Jason, holding Damian by the scruff of his neck: behold, a SJÖRAPPORT

Bruce, so tired: …ok. sure.

[papayafromtv]

i think that Damian should be the only person in the family who can make Jason laugh. Jason thinks Damian is the funniest motherfucker in the family and absolutely nobody understands this until they accidentally listen in on the two casually chatting during patrol through the coms and realise that Damian is literally a supremely sarcastic thirteen year old with no chill whatsoever who has insane opinions on EVERYTHING, and the only reason they haven’t noticed before is because since coming to Gotham Damian’s been trying to establish himself as a Serious and Mature heir and so has been shutting his fucking mouth. Jason on the other hand? who was there in the league when there was a standoff between Ra’s and Damian about how Damian was slacking during training that ended when Ra’s said ‘if you cannot prove yourself as worthy of dedication to our cause then maybe other routes should be considered’ and the next day they couldn’t find Damian until Ra’s got a video call from him outside the Wayne Manor and he just said ‘dedication truly is an art form, grandfather’ and then he hung up and turned off his phone and they couldn’t contact him for months until Jason finally stopped laughing about it and went to Gotham to go check up on him? that Jason? Jason’s been fully aware that Damian’s one amusing tragedy from becoming a stand up comedian as a day job for years.

[papayafromtv]

the whole fanon idea of Jason as Red Hood being the one to deliver Damian to Wayne manor while still being. the Red Hood of Crime Alley. is so fucking funny to me. like can you imagine that from Bruce’s perspective? you’ve been fighting this crime lord for a few months and he is absolutely destroying you. you have no idea what to do because he knows all your patented bat tricks and it’s gotten to the point where you’ve had to let him have Crime Alley because at least then the fucker’s CONTAINED.

and then he disappears for a weekend and there’s a knock at your door. your civilian identity door.

“this is your kid, Talia made me drive him here. anyway see you on the rooftops, batsy.”

like, Bruce must have had an aneurysm before even clocking that he apparently had a biological fucking son. Red Hood fucking leaves this kid just staring up at him. eyes wide with what Bruce swears is a katana peeking out his duffle bag.

“Hood tells me you are a bad mentor.” He claims. “I request you up those skills while I am under your tutelage.”

and it takes Bruce like a solid two weeks before he finally allows himself to be convinced that Damian isn’t a sleeper agent that the Red Hood has planted in his household as a new way to start shit.

[papayafromtv]

another comic vs fanon character interpretation i absolutely LOVE is the fact that in fics everybody simultaneously decides that for stupid shit to go down at the manor, alfred has to be a) busy or b) on AL.

meanwhile consistently in the comics every time a batfamily member tries to do something fucked up and stupid, alfred’s response every single time without fail is ‘we listen and we don’t judge, you do you and i’ll do your laundry’ like this is the man who let bruce first start dressing up at his fursona and clothesline himself on random rooftops on a nightly basis, he Does Not Give A Fuck

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 1

Jason: yeah me and B are on ok terms now,

Dick: oh you guys are getting along-?

Jason: well we’re doing ok, I’m not mad at him anymore.

Dick: thought you wanted him to kill the Joker?

Jason: i did, but then like last week i went to the manor and i saw him smash the coffee machine with a hammer because it didn’t fill his mug enough; and i just don’t think he’d be a good killer.

Dick: *light wheeze* because he broke the coffee machine?

Jason: well it was just- *cracked grin* he gets- he gets angry, you know? and he’s not good at self control? like that machine did nothing and he just destroyed it. and i was just thinking about how, like, he decided that adopting kids was an acceptable thing to do, and now he has like eleven of us,

Dick: *silent cackles*

Jason: like he can’t see a kid without thinking ‘wonder if i can draft this one’. i think if we managed to convince him killing was ok it wouldn’t go well. he’d just keep doing it.

Dick: *through laughter* because of no self control?

Jason: yeah, like once he crosses that line he’d probably step over it at any minor inconvenience. he gets addicted and he gets mad at a lot of things.

Dick: so B shouldn’t kill?

Jason: no.

Dick: but you can?

Jason: well i- *wheeze* i have practice honing the rage, i don’t kill for stupid reasons. *pause* apart from that one time.

Dick, audibly amused: what time?

Jason: i sneezed and accidentially pressed the trigger.

Dick: *loud cackles*

Jason: i felt bad, man, like his cat was there-

Dick: *falls off his chair*

Jason: how are you this apathetic.

Dick: is that where Damian’s new cat came from?

Jason: it’s not like i could just leave it there!

Dick: i thought i saw trauma in it’s eyes. it had that wartime stare.

Jason: the blood spattered right across its fur. i had to bathe it.

Dick: Damian thinks it has anxiety

Jason: anxiet- dude it has more than anxiety, it has fucking PTSD-

Dick: *wheezes harder*

[tarvek-sturmvoraus]

dick: [swaps tim for a younger, more violent little brother] tim: oh ok i see how it is. [swaps dick for a younger, more violent big brother]

[papayafromtv]

Tim: so you grew up with Jason in the league, right? what was that like?

Damian: one time we were training on the outskirts of the compound together when I was around, like, nine, and I told him ‘Todd we need to take a break so I can use the bathroom’

Tim:

Damian: and Todd went ‘shit man, I need to piss too, let’s just go here in our clothes. we can just piss our pants.’

Tim:

Damian: and I was nine and had been raised to trust him with my life. and he went ‘im pissing right now, i’m going’ and i panicked and said ‘oh um- ok i’m going too!’

Tim:

Damian: and i was nine. and i wet myself. and Todd was sixteen, and he looked me directly in the eye and went ‘i didn’t actually go’.

Tim:

Damian: and then he told my grandfather i was incontinent.

Tim:

Damian: that’s what growing up with Todd was like, Drake. that’s what it was like.

Tim:

Jason: *collapsed on the floor nearby, wheezing silently through tears*