Pie and Prejudice

My mostly check please side blog... Dedicated to my lovely gay hockey children

[classicfloralfandom]

Y’all Nursey and Shitty are on Andover’s Wikipedia page I kid u not

[shitty-check-please-aus]

AU suggestion

Dex doesn’t drink anything except for straight up espresso. His heart rate is concerning for everyone

[emmybreese]

joe has provided his take now

[samwellwaffles]

the knights are introducing a learn to play program specifically for women and ive never been more proud to be a fan of this team than i am now

[wheeloffortune-design]

[well-lookie-there]

Shitty: Bits, you gotta get your priorities straight.

Bitty: Listen, my priorities will always be gay as hell.

[nellyben]

I like how everybody is paired off haha

[larssonadam]

#this looks more like an awkward sixth grade slow dance than it does hockey

[itsacpsideblog]

I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHY THIS HAPPENS. You see this all the time when there’s a fight or a scrum and suddenly everyone pairs up with a member of the opposite team and they just sort of …hold each other.

Someone on reddit asked about it. And it turns out there’s a logical-ish reason:

all of the other players pair off with their man to prevent anyone else entering into the fight … so it’s a form of self policing. 

[…] The players basically want to prevent 2 on 1, etc. fights and by finding a “hugging” partner so there’s no ganging up on one guy, even on accident. They do it because it’s fair. And it’s kind of cute sometimes.

so now we know! it’s fair…and cute.

[animentality]

Aw best part is no ones left out at this dance

[castiel--for--king]

[legotheeggo]

[arrghigiveup]

#hockey hugs #more or less #:)))))))) #where’s that one of Karlsson and Mike Green #that one’s priceless

=DDD

[well-lookie-there]

Chowder: I'm willing to do a lot of things

Chowder: But admitting to Bitty that I'm cold after he told me to bring a jacket is not one of them

[ironpunks]

Listen. I firmly believe the Falconers play “the floor is lava”

After every practice, Georgia groups everyone up for announcements, and at the end she says calmly: “the floor is lava” and twenty grown men are clamoring to the nearest climbable object, shoving each other and kicking.

In a small gas station during a long roadie, someone from somewhere in the store shouts “the floor is lava!” and ten seconds later there’s two shelves down and Jack is apologizing to a tired manager while sitting on the cashier counter, not touching the floor

During lunch in the dining area, Jack sits with Tater, Snowy, Marty, Thirdy, Guy, and Poots. They’re talking idly and quietly, guy says “so, you hear about the floor?” Jack and Marty groan, Tater grins, Poots braces for it. “it’s apparently lava” guy finishes.

There’s food knocked to the floor as Guy just continues eating his lunch like nothing.

They’ve broken two chairs, a coffee table, Jacks wrist, and a lamp.

[shitty-check-please-aus]

AU where Bitty is the Falconer's mascot. He has the time of his life doing skating tricks and posing for pictures with all the kid fans and getting to hang out with his favorite team for a living. Halloween every day. The team has no idea who he because he's so tiny outside the costume, there's just a cute blond guy in the organization who brings in food a lot, maybe he's with the nutritionists? Jack low-key has the hots for him but despite being around ALL THE TIME he never shows up to games.

this has the possibility for shakespearean levels of mistaken identity shenanigans, please someone write it

[gutsybitsies]

time travel zimbits

jack and bitty find themselves near end of the century france about to drown in revolution and jack’s history boner is POPPING.  

[wheeloffortune-design]

all while bitty pulls him by the hand to HIDE, GODDAMNIT

[gutsybitsies]

“but bitty, don’t you want to listen to the awe inspiring speech?”

“Honey, i dont understand a lick of the words and this mob is violent!”

[airplanesandcookies]

I’m typing this from my phone so sorry for any typos.

Bitty was not prepared for this situation.

Not the time travel thing - no, that he had prepared for. Bitty knew that he had a very active imagination, a love of paperbacks and cheesy movies like, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, and the tendency to ask, ‘what if?’, late at night. He even read that Mallory Ortberg article on what to do if you ever found yourself in an alternate reality.

And Bitty knew how to observe and adapt- quickly.

No, what he was not prepared for was his giant lumbering boyfriend to stand around gapping like a fish. Seriously, why was he so tall?

“Bits, I think this is the storming of the Invalides! Look! The rioters are seizing the cannons and muskets stored in its cellars. Oh my god! It’s Bastille Day!”

Bitty grabbed his boyfriend and yanked him towards the side of the road behind a few trees. “Sweet pea, I need you to listen to me. I need you to hunch and stop looking like royalty. Then I’m going to need your French speaking behind to help us blend in. So point that Disney smile towards that farmhouse so we can trade our clothes.”

“It’s history happening right in front of us.”

“Honey, I like to watch Football. It doesn’t mean I want to be on the field! Bring your behind on. We gotta get out of here!”

[justlookfrightened]

Time management

I wrote this to fill this anonymous prompt: If you still want Zimbits prompts, I’m an absolute sucker for any Bob and/or Alicia pov with them seeing how happy Jack has become with Bitty and the SMH team. Bonus if this is the first time they’ve met Bitty as Jack’s bf + roughhousing of any sort. Thank you so much! I love your writing soo much I’m subscribed to you on AO3 😄😄💚

It doesn’t quite hit all the marks – this is set before parents’ weekend of year 2, long before they are boyfriends – but I think it’s in the same spirit. I hope you like it!

And I’m always in the market for new Zimbits prompts!

Alicia stepped on the mat and raised her eyebrows at Bob.

There hadn’t been a mat last time she was here, and if there had been, it would have gotten lost in the detritus that had littered the front porch: battered bikes, broken furniture, maybe even a discarded keg that no one had returned for the deposit.

That hadn’t really bothered her; it was right in line with the frat house decor she remembered from her time at Samwell. But now the porch sported functional furniture (mismatched, but still) and showed evidence of recent sweeping. And it had a welcome mat.

Well, actually, the mat said “Welcome, y’all!” in a cheerful cursive script.

“This is new,” she said.

Bobby just grinned. “Didn’t Jack say Bittle – that kid from Georgia – moved in this year?” he said. “Either it’s his, or the boys are chirping him a little.”

“You know very well Bittle – Eric, isn’t it? – moved in,” Alicia said. “Jack practically mentions him more than he does Shitty, and I’ve never met him. That’s half the reason I decided to come with you.”

Keep reading

[garden-of-succulents]

In today’s Picarto stream, someone made a joke about Bitty being asked by his Youtube followers to play Fuck, Marry, Kill with the Providence Falconers. Merry speculation ensued.

(Elsewhere, meanwhile, sylviarachel commented, “I am imagining Bitty’s vlog followers being like, Poor Bitty’s boyfriend, it must be hard to be dating someone who has such a massive crush on someone else, especially if the someone else is gorgeous and rich and famous”)

Then Ngozi, who is wonderful, made a joke about Jack watching the video and sweating nervously, going, “I hope I get picked -.- I wonder who it will be” like a giant dingus who just worries and is insecure sometimes. Which was SO ADORABLE.

CAN I PLS SEE THESE THINGS IN FANFIC???

[garden-of-succulents]

“Oh, lord,” Eric groaned. He bit his lip as he read through the three paper slips again, then threw himself back onto the coverlet in frustration. Little jump-cuts gave the sense of time passing, of the agitation the decision caused him. “I love all these guys–” he said, then threw himself backwards again. After wrinkling his brow and shuffling through them a little more, he finally came back and settled himself crosslegged on his bed, facing the camera.

“This one,” he said, holding up one paper slip, “is a fine man, and a fine hockey player. And he said some very nice things about my pie. But there are some things I can’t abide, and let me tell you a secret: Jonathan Nowicki cheers for the New England Patriots.”

“So that’s a kill,” he said, throwing Snowy’s slip over his shoulder.

More thought.

“Now, there are pros and cons on both sides here,” he said, flipping between papers. “Randall Robinson is an excellent family man. He’s proven time and again that he is dedicated to nothing more than being a husband–even the team that has his number-one loyalty knows that if his girls call, they come first. And I have got to say, I really admire that. But, you know… I’m not a homewrecker. I can’t break that up. If his wife would ever let it happen–not that she would, and if Carrie asks please let her know this excercise is strictly hypothetical–and if he ever asks, this is just for the sake of followers and subscriptions like the soulless Youtube shill y’all know I am, I hope he understands–then yeah, I’d fuck Thirdy.”

One slip left. Eric pursed his lips softly.

“You know, marriage is a serious business. It’s not just being in love. It’s loving someone and knowing that you can live your life with them. I mean, what if you find somebody hot and all, but they can’t stand you blasting Katy Perry during your morning shower? What if they don’t understand the importance of pie?”

He tapped his lips thoughtfully with the last piece of paper, having worked it into a roll with nervous fingers while he talked.

“I mean, it’s easy to say, ‘Yeah, of course, I’ve lived with a guy, we prob’ly won’t kill each other, let’s get married.’ But here’s the thing. I’m rememberin’ this time. It was, oh, year and a half ago now. There was a big snowstorm, left three feet of snow on the ground. Campus shut down, couple houses in town without power. I’m stayin’ at home, hiding under my blankets. And this guy comes back and goes, oh, I was just walking all over campus, checking up on everyone in the team and making sure they had power and heat and food and water. I stopped by Stop’n’Shop and picked up some supplies. And hey look, I even bought butter.”

“And that’s when I knew.” Eric smiled, soft and wide. “I would absolutely marry Jack Zimmermann.”

[chismosavirus]

gay? ice skater?? relatable twitter??? joe johnson is the perfect fancast for eric bittle

[jackzimmermannn]

honestly it’s so spot on it’s scary

[bittyxjack]

okay y'all - ive met this little ray of sunshine multiple times and let me tell you: he IS ACTUALLY BITTY.

The first time I met him, I was getting on the ice for speed skating and he had just finished his routine. He explained to me that he began figure skating because it was the only sport in which they threw toys at you when you finished. HE IS LITERALLY BITTY.

[manyahello]

Day twenty: a kitchen witch. Bitty my boy!!!

[carocane]

“I will never again chirp you for being cold all the time, Bittle.”

“Aww, are you enjoying your southern roadie, Sweet Pea?”

“It’s 80 degrees here. In October.”

“I know, hon”

“Why? Why is it so humid? How did you live like this?”

“My poor sweet Canadian hockey prince. You just have to get used to it.”

“No, Bits. It’s just wrong.”

[jack-manpain-zimmermann]

better bitty mental health bureau

Sometimes it hits me that Bitty, who’s experiences with bro’s and bullying was literally “a nightmare”, has settled into having gigantic bro’s as best friends and that he feel so safe around them.

I think the biggest ‘wow this is a much happier and safer bitty’ moment is the hockey bag. Being absolutely fine and voluntary in having his enormous friends zip him up in a small enclosed space and waiting around for another enormous friend to find him:

@omgcheckplease Holster: ALL RIGHT. All in favor of scaring jack raise your hand

Holster: Bitty is your hand up? Wiggle twice for yes.

And finding it hilarious that two of the biggest bro’s casually try and return him to nature in an even smaller space:

There’s a pretty gaping knot in the tree in our front yard and when they’re bored Rans and Holtzy try to put me in it. #GotYourBack

Bits mentions Holster’s enormousness all the time but it’s something that he finds endearing and completely non-threatening:

Holster lifted a whole tray into the air. As it blocked out the fluorescent lights, some students, shaking, realized among them was a giant.

Of course my favorite is that Bitty may or may not have realized that said two biggest bro’s were quietly calculating how best to disappear any or all of the guys who might give Bitty trouble:

Re: NYE with Georgia football players. Rans & Holster social media stalked most of them & concluded: “looks like a bunch of wrenches, bro.”

I’m sure a lot of us know that visceral reaction to the types of people who made our school lives hell. I think the Bitty/Ransom/Holster thing resonates most with me because the athletes were always the ones to try and out me or intimidate me. But the star quarterback was a closeted gay guy and the head of one of our local church youth groups (also an athlete) was clearly aware of me but very tolerant and they both subtly took me under their wing while avoiding drawing more attention to me. I don’t know if either of them actually knew and I still wouldn’t have dared come out to them (or anyone) back then but thanks to two muscled gentle giants out of so many I managed to not associate physical strength or size in men with automatic fear. 

No one can tell me that Ransom and Holster weren’t intentionally gentle and tactile with Bitty from the very start even without knowing he was gay. They saw a shy but friendly small kid, knew how their bulk and appearance would intimidate him and made sure to break down all those worries right away. These beautiful big strangely connected lugs.