We'll Keep Trying for our Rainbow Baby @wellkeeptrying - Tumblr Blog

First Tarot Card Reading

So, at work today, randomly, one of my coworkers offered to read my cards. I’ve never had that done before. Not wanting to get into all of my TTC craziness with her since clearly, no one at work knows, hell no one in my family knows, I wanted to ask a general question. I asked her:

“When, or if, I’m going to have my first child”

1st card: knight of Swords of reversed

Her interpretation:(Represents an Air sign male Libra, Gemini, Aquarius male) My husband is going to react differently than I expected or that he is upset that it’s taking so long to conceive because he’s expecting it right away.

my take: I agree with this for multiple reasons 1) He didn’t expect it to take long or cost us money and hes not happy with having to pay to put a baby in my uterus. 2) he suprised me by saying he would be willing to adopt if we couldn’t have any children.

2nd card:8 of Wands Reversed

Her interpretation: Delay in news. It will take me a while to conceive.

my take. DUH! and again. this is without me telling her anything about the TTC journey so far! I read online that it can also mean that “you no longer wish to wait for the unexpected”, which would make sense now that we’ve moved onto medical intervention to get me pregnant.

3rd card: Towers

Her interpretation: (Unforeseen events, a shake up)The act of trying or the time that it takes to conceive will cause friction and test the relationship.

my take: I’m scared about this card! Though we’ve been trying for a year, I’ve taken the burden of the worrying, and frustration and peeing on all the things! I never let him know when I’m ovulating, I just initiate sex during that window. I never let him know about the 2ww, just when I get my period, so I’m a little nervous about what this could mean for our future TTC state.

4th card: the Stard

Her interpretation: (Most High Blessings) This is the card that shows I will have children and everything before it points to a long road at getting there. It is the universe’s blessing card. I will have a baby, it just won’t be easy.

my take: THANK GOD!

5th card: King of Wands

Her interpretation: The child will likely be conceived in the time of Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius OR it could having a little boy who is Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

my take: when I googled this card, it said that my current struggles will be worth it and that success is looming. And IF this happens to be about my child (who would be a boy), he was either conceived in March, July, or December, or he will be born in those months. For this cycle, I conceived in March and would be due in December.

#tarot cards #TTC #meanings #personal #2ww

Tarot Card Reading - Results

I’ve pinned my first tarot card reading to the top of my blog for a reason. Everything from the reading came true.

1st card: Nights of Swords reversed: We already identified that it could be a result from my husband being husband initially that things were going to have to be hard with making a baby.

2nd card: 8 of wands reversed: again this was in reference to a delay in news, which we interpret it as delay in taking home baby.

3rd card: Towers, my most feared card... our interpretation was that TTC would cause friction on our marriage. Though we had ups and downs, our downs were never for too long and lucky for us, we never blamed each other, so everything we went through, we did together (whether we liked having to go through it or not (semen collections, surgeries, miscarriages, hope, hope shattered, and lots and lots of waiting)

4th card: The Stard, most high blessing. This is the card that gave me hope that one day, I would take home a live baby and become a mom. And I did. (cue tears)

5th card: King of wands: references a male and Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius. I interpreted that to mean I would have a son that would be born or conceived in Mark, July, or December. He was conceited via IVF in December. And was born in December of the following year.

We’ll Keep Trying

That’s my blog name. And that’s what we did. And finally... FINALLY we succeeded.

You have no idea how amazing it feels to say.... My husband and I welcomed our son into the world, one week before Christmas. He is every bit of perfection. His toes. His chunky thighs. His smile, ohhhhh can I tell you about his laugh.

When I say he was worth the wait, I mean it. 9 years. 5 IVF transfers, multiple surgeries, IUIs... all of it. Looking at him, I get it. He’s perfection.

I love him beyond any words I could ever write. Period.

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#8 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

11-28-2021

Hi Blog. It’s been so long, but I am still here. Hubby and I are still childless, but within our marriage, we are thriving. Thanking God for small miracles.

We are back on the IVF journey, I believe for the last time. I’ve switched jobs and have infertility coverage for 1 egg stimulation, retrieval, and transfer. So, that’s what we’re doing.

6 days ago, I had surgery to remove a cyst on each ovary, 4m and 6m, to make it easier to retrieve the egg and also clean up some of the endometriosis.

Stimulation starts 12-10-2021.

Back on the band wagon. Still full of hope. This is our time. Sticky embryo turned take home live healthy baby. It’s beginning.

I may be on to something....

I've been thinking about my last post all day. And just now, it hit me. Infertility is something that has happened to me but ITS NOT MY FAULT. It's not from not having enough faith. My diet. My stress levels. My drinking. A lack of commitment. Education level. Income. Not trying hard enough. My husband not loving me enough. While infertility hurts and is sad and frustrating and even isolating, the one thing I SHOULDN'T feel is shame. No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.. ...and I need to stop handing out permission slips by feeling shameful and sorry for myself. I want to be a mom. Yes. And I can't have kids. Correct. No lies detected. But I am not less than because of this. Infertility isn't a reflection of my worth or effort. Infertility doesn't define me. It's something that happened to me.

Will I Ever Not Be Angry?

They say that the truth hurts.

And they would be correct.

............................................................................................................................

It has come to my attention, that someone has made a very true, very accurate statement about me.

I cannot have kids.

And while it’s a very true, and very accurate statement, it still annoyed me. No, let me be truthful.

IT HURT.

It was said in a way to be hurtful “... because she can’t even have kids.” And that ammunition hit me with full force and I cannot shake it.

5 years, multiple IUIs, multiple transfers, multiple pregnancies, multiple miscarriages later, I guess I still haven’t come to terms with this truth yet.

I cannot have kids.

So, when someone uses it as a weapon to hurt, it does just that.

My husband and I are still very much in the infertility closet, which makes it worse.... This statement came from someone close to me but wasn’t made TO me, but to someone else. AND neither of them are the ~10 people my husband and I shared any details with. (his parents and sibling, my mother, a potential gestational carrier/family member, the person that introduced us, and 2 friends.)

How do you heal from a wound that isn’t closed?

How can I protect myself so that I don’t spiral out of control at the truth? A very true and accurate statement?

I cannot have kids.

----

Random Thoughts... No self editing my feelings, just typing to get it all out there....

I’m in my office space, on the other side of my bedroom. In the dark, while my husband and dog toss and turn in the bed and I listen to music, sip on an alcoholic drink and question why my keyboard doesn’t have a back light.

But strangely impressed by my typing skills in the dark.

Anyway.

Babies. Or lack there of. Never thought I would occupy this space with family and many friends starting and expanding their families accidentally. I’ve grown enough to know that none of that has anything to me, at all. And for that I’m proud.

So, let’s focus on me and my feelings.

I’m scared that I will never have kids, yet feel in my heart of hearts that I will. How is that even possible?!

Is hope so strange that in the darkest hour it provides strings to tie you back to your dream? Or is that delusion? How can one tell the difference?

At what point does a person say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?

For the record, with everything I’ve endured, I can still endure more... all for the idea of starting my family.

Is THAT my downfall? Willing to damn near risk it all? I mean, not ALLLLL but you get what I’m saying... more shots, more money, more emotional roller coaster emotional torment, more time invested, more hope being provided and then being crushed. Because I’ve been there, done that, survived it, and if the next time means a live take home healthy baby then I’d do it again, and again, and again...

But what in the actual FUCK?!

This literally has to be a text book definition of insanity!!!

And the other side of that insanity coin is to just say I’ve given it my all and I’m done.

Keep going. Or give up.

This all coming from someone that has THE WORSE time making decisions and an even harder time with commitment (outside of marriage) and consistency with everything in life. (Seriously, EVERYTHING you can think of. )

I’ve made it the end of this post with no answers or direction but also, strangely enough, no tears.

Growth.

#ttc #ttc over 30 #ttc after mc #ivf #iui

Natural vs IUI vs IVF Thoughts

So I’ve been reflecting on a thought that keeps replaying like a highlight reel in my head...

I’ve never (knowingly) gotten pregnant naturally.

I’ve never gotten a BFP via IUI (tried about 6-8-10 different times, with varying sperm and follicle counts and lining thickness.)

I’ve gotten a BFP with all 4 FETs from IVF with varying embryo grades and lining thickness, all increasing pregnancy hormones, but never after 6 weeks.

Quick, someone, ANYONE tell me what’s wrong so I don’t have to spend thousands of more dollars in treatment to get our rainbow take home baby.

6/19/19 According to Glow...

I’m on cycle day 8 (Accurate)

And I have 10 days until ovulation (no idea of accuracy)

6 months later...

Currently on my period (which surprisingly has come in a normal time frame the last 3 months).

Cramps still kicking my ass.

Haven't really figured what to do next. Out of embryos and out of money. Guess it's time to take a mentally break and figure out our next steps.

Because we're still moving forward... just don't know where to.

Adoption

Donor egg or sperm

(International) surrocacy

No idea. But hubby and I talked about getting back to taking prenatal pills and vitamins for our egg and sperm in case we go down the biological child route.

Any other ideas of things we can be doing in our "off" time but can help us out?

Miscarriage sucks

I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. Ever.

I pray I'm the last person to ever experience it and no other woman would have to endure it.

My body thinks it's protecting me but instead it killed my dreams. At least that's how I feel. But I'm not mad at my body. I have to understand it.

What is going on that I can't hold a pregnancy!!!

This is my question that no one can answer.

Currently my betas are in the 800s. So I'll keep getting bloodwork until they go back to zero.

Then it's the dreaded "what's next" part of the journey. The unknown is not an adventure, let's just start there. It's more like "I'm broke and tired and disappointed and pissed and confused and frustrated and I don't know how I manage to even get out of bed and I don't see any light at the end of this and really don't know if kids are in our future at all and every thing I've done has all been for NOTHING the time money tears tests, all of it because we are still unexplained with no baby fuck this shit.

That about sums it up.

Sometimes our dreams come true but sometimes our fears do too.

J Cole

Dog therapy

I swear, my dog is my saving grace.

Its been a rough week. Even rougher 48 hours. And my dog knows. And has been super cuddly. (So has my husband. But my guilt makes his affection feel different. More on that in another post).

My dog has been the best thing for me right now without me knowing she's exactly what I needed.

I'm so thankful for her. And my (at the time) 9 year old niece that practically begged me to get her.

Doctors Visit, day after miscarriage

I went to do bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. Not to confirm the loss, because for me, I already know it's over. But so I can get the ok to stop my meds! No more Lovenox shots that leave me bruised. Or PIO shots that leave my butt lumpy. Or suppositories that leave me leaky.

Beta was 5732. So a rise from 3 days ago, but not the doubling (because...)

Also, I retained the blood clot and embryo sac for them to test. I put it on a napkin, then in a ziplock bag, then in Tupperware, then a bag. Hardest part for sure.

Now, we're back to square 0.

No answers.

No explanation.

No infertility coverage.

No LJ.

Officially Over

LJ held tight until yesterday.

Been spotting pink/brown for 3 days already, then on the fourth day, it turned red. Then went from spotting to bleeding. Cramps. And on the way home from work, I soaked my pants.

Went to the bathroom to clean up and saw I passed huge clots, (probably the lining) with one of them containing the embryo sac. It was there, clear as day.

Miscarriage #4.

At 4 weeks and 6 days.

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We'll Keep Trying for our Rainbow Baby