YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME, XOXO GOSSIP GIRL.

it is saturday, february 28th, two thousand & fifteen. // and who am i? — that's a secret you'll never find out.

[weslyngossip]

Spring is just around the corner, Upper East Siders, and for seniors, so is the end of their high school career. While some sit through classes and write their notes, taking each day of the semester one at a time, others are making sure they go out with a bang. Me? I’m sitting here, waiting for my award and for anyone who might have doubted me to grovel at my feet for forgiveness because guess who’s been right all along, bitches? Our Christian golden boy turned douchebag extraordinaire made the confession I’ve been telling you all about for years last weekend: AH has finally admitted to himself and the entire world that he’s into both kitties and hot dogs. Don’t worry, AH, I’m not judging. I think it’s great that you’ve spread your options to new horizons for the person who’s lucky enough to pop your cherry--that’s right, he might have lost his way, but he’s still our resident virgin. Some things never change, do they?

Here’s the catch, though. Has AH already found his prince charming? One that’s been sitting right under our nose all along? Sources tell me that our pretty little O has been nothing but a cover all this time--AH was brave enough to admit it, maybe he can convince you to put your love out on a pedestal too, D?

And here’s a real kicker: monsieur P was SPOTTED arriving at JFK around 10:30am on Wednesday. Just when we’d thought the French connoisseur had skipped town for the rest of his life,  he shows up again, but for what reason this time? I happen to know exactly what reason. An AH reason. Maybe he got on the first flight back when he heard that AH has been shacking up with D ever since he got the boot from his parents. Jealousy isn’t a good look on you, P, and neither are the trash bags under your eyes.

My only question is, where do you stand in all of this AC? Are you going to keep parading around on AH’s arm to try and convince everyone you have nothing to hide? Or are you finally ready to move on to bigger and more feminine things? One of my insiders tells me Z has been SPOTTED pulling more entries and exits from the Coltrane penthouse than Lindsay Lohan’s attempt at a career, but this time? He’s not there for R. Perhaps Z is working to get some revenge on AH by putting the moves on AC, but I highly doubt it. I think he’s still very much hooked on R, but I happen to know that R is way more hooked on something else more than anything, particularly the snow, and I don’t mean the cold type he never had in California.                       you know you love me,                            xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

SPOTTED: O and AH having the showdown of the century that I told you all would happen sooner than later, right outside Finale nightclub, aka AH’s own personal New York brothel these days. The newfound frenemies were heard and seen having a custody battle over D by a number of New York’s elite socialites outside the club, which makes me wonder why O was there in first place? Aren’t nightclubs a little too, I don’t know, normal of a place for you to be in, O? Despite her best efforts, AH doesn’t seem ready to leave her and D’s love nest any time soon. Sorry O, maybe you’ll have better luck next time in a location that more suits your style. Might I suggest Koreatown?

                       you know you love me,                             xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

SPOTTED: LS dressed in all black, using whatever demonic forces she possesses to push open the doors of Weslyn Prep. Although her wardrobe is no surprise to anyone, where she’s been for almost two months now definitely will be. Welcome back, LS, and I would say I hope you had a good holiday, but I already know yours was far from it. Poor mom and dad… Maybe one year they’ll have a normal, peaceful holiday… When you’re dead, probably.                         you know you love me,                              xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Attention Bulldogs, Upper East Siders, my loyal followers, and the homies keeping it real in Brooklyn: Today, I announce to you the most ground-breaking news my fingers will ever type. Weslyn Preparatory is officially free of its monarchy: H, I officially declare thee dethroned from Weslyn’s most popular guy status. That’s right, the day has come, and while no one will be mourning the loss, I’ll be sitting here elated as I watch him stomp through the halls like an oversized baby. You might have heard, H, that J and AH threw a killer party over winter break, and if you don’t want to believe that you’re officially lamer than SW’s fear of Chipotle, I have the proof. My favorite is the person who told me that party “was better than all of his combined.” Give it up, H, the verdict is in. A cruel sentence, you might say. What do I say? Deserving. It’s a pity, really. All that sucking up for three years just to see your popularity crumble to ashes during the most important year of your life? Between CC, J, and AH, I say watch out, Weslyn. All eyes are on them lately and I don’t see that changing before the year is over. H, I’d ask you for your resignation, but I’ve just done that for you. There, there, there’s always college! If you even get into one… We’ll see about that.                          you know you love me,                               xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Just when I thought he couldn’t get any better, he totally redeems himself. SPOTTED: AH leaving a hotel with some fresh new ink on his neck, only this one isn’t so permanent, and I was able to catch it before it fades away. That’s a lovely red, AH, did the teeth marks come easy with it or did you have to dig into your wallet for that kind of customization? My instincts tell me those marks came from his now infamous dick pic buddy, but one of my sexy sources tells me that AC was actually seen near that exact hotel on the very same night. It only makes sense, the two have been exchanging some furiously flirty tweets this week. Was AC’s lesbionic fling earlier in the school year just that, a fling? Perhaps she’s getting over her lesbian pre-college experimental phase and moving on to sexier and bulkier things—newfound douchebag or not, AH is hot and I challenge anyone to fight me on that. Have we reached the end of an era? Has AH finally popped his cherry with his favorite drinking buddy’s sister? If AC was the one to make it happen, I’m officially all Nick Jonas sorts of jealous.                           you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

SPOTTED: Pretty little O and decently hot D, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. That’s right, DAKONYX (appropriately named by yours truly) is officially PUBLIC! How will we ever pick ourselves up from this shocking revelation? Although their relationship was entirely predictable, I did have some doubts about their inevitability after D got his ass whooped back in December. But Chris Brown was wrong, these hoes are loyal, and O has shown us living proof of that. For a free supply to her dirty little habits, shit, I’d date the dealer, too. D has also recently been spotted with AH and his new crew of wangsters at the club—it’s amazing how much money can improve anything, including fake ID’s—but was seen leaving alone and upset. Face it, D, you’ve moved on to bigger and boob-ier things, so why can’t AH? Friendship doesn’t always last forever, and I’m happy to inform you that’s completely your fault. Congrats to the new, probably temporarily happy couple, until jealous best friends do you part.                           you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

SPOTTED: I’m looking at the man in the mirror and his name starts with A, but I’m wondering what’s below the V, if you know what I mean. Is this the greatest mirror pic of all time? I say yes. AH has captured what it takes for the perfect selfie: Abs? Check. Tits? They’re probably hiding there somewhere. Showcased ink? Not gonna lie, hot. The most perfectly douchey pout? Spot-on. Subliminal advertising? I see you, Calvin Klein. And last but not least, the selfie of the selfie within the selfie thanks to perfect mirror positioning? Selfie-ceptional. The best part of it all? I happen to know exactly who this selfie was meant for, and it definitely isn’t the girl next door. My inbox has been flooding with AH’s name over the past few weeks, which is why he’s become my newest favorite; he’s been more entertaining in a month than he’s been in three and a half years at Weslyn. Loads of my followers are divided about whether they prefer the Angel or the Devil on AH’s shoulders, saying everything from “what a desperate little virgin bitch” to “Christian golden boy turned bad? I kind of dig it.” What happened, AH? He has been spotted hanging out with the likes of Danny Dovgin, coke head extraordinaire and son of the man who owns the wildest night club on the UES… How about it, AH? Have you changed your relationship status to D to “customer” instead of “best friend?” I’m not sure what he’s on, but I hope he never runs out of it; I am completely on board and all for this new and improved good boy gone bad.                           you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

SPOTTED: R looking like the cat’s meow at one of Weslyn’s pools over winter break. He bails when school is in session, but makes himself at home when school’s out? My bet is he stole one of Papa Coltrane’s keys and lived there like a bum over the break; I thought I smelled weed coming from the boy’s locker room the first day back. But the real mystery is, who’s cat claws left their mark all over those muscles, R? Do my hopes and dreams deceive me? Have R and Z reunited to shoot the second season of their porno love story? Unfortunately, signs point to no on this one for me. Z files his nails too precisely to scratch up a post like that. Don’t worry, R, I’ll be sure to find out who got their hands on you since I’m guessing you were too blazed to be able to tell me yourself.                           you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

What a night! Even your girl had to take some time to recover, but if any of you thought you were safe, think again. Just because a girl needs some sleep doesn’t mean she didn’t see every little detail of what happened at J’s party, so here it is, wrapped up in a nice, neat bow.

Starting it off right, AH and J are such butt-buddies, it almost makes me feel bad for the girls they were attempting to hit on. They were so into each other most of the night, they barely even registered when R came around to take a shot with them. Speaking of R, everyone’s favorite love story is still on that roller coaster. So much so that it would seem that Z is turning to some help from a white powdered friend, and I’m not talking about donuts. The two were spotted headed to the bathroom together, but rumor has it all the did was yell at each other til R left, looking rather shaken, and Z stayed until LR made what seemed to be her thousandth trip to the toilet. Oh, yes, LR, let’s switch tracks to what you were doing all night, hmm?

It would seem that the hot new couple is, in fact, LR and CC. Maybe they’ll be more fun to root for than Z and R? But, judging by the way they were making out for all the world to see without LR even needing to sip a drop of alcohol to get so sloppy, chances are they’ll just be annoying. Either way, you can bet I’ll be reporting on it. 

Things took an interesting turn when not only did everyone’s favorite party girl, AG, make her first appearance in months, but when she had SW in tow. AH and J lost their shit making their way to them, ditching other (hotter) girls along the way-- what’s up with that? Anyway, it’s like the girls switched bodies-- AG not drinking at all, but innocent little SW getting a little more than tipsy after AG and J’s prodding. Even though AH practically fell all over himself to hug SW when she first arrived, it was J who danced with her all night, leaving me hoping that something interesting to watch comes out of that. Maybe there will be trouble in butt-buddy paradise after all? 

Thanks for a rip-roarin’ time, J. Maybe you’re not so mopey and sad all the time. Let’s do it again real soon, alright? You too, AH, I know you only have a few left before daddy cracks down, so live it up while you can...

                         you know you love me,                               xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Well, well, well, look who’s back in the UES-- none other than our dear old (hot) friend, C. Seems like most people are happy to see him, but I’m more interested in who’s not. Didn’t we see LR and C spending a surprising amount of time together just a few months back? So why isn’t she jumping for joy at the mere sight of him? Maybe she’s just tired from all the time she’s been spending with AH in those disgusting gym showers. Wonder how C will feel about that? Don’t worry, LR. It’s our little secret. You don’t mind that I’m sharing it with my quaint little blog, do you?

                          you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

And now, the saddest news I will ever have to share. My favorite porno love story between R and Z is officially dead, along with R’s pride and Z’s soul. It’s tragic, really. Two star-crossed lovers who were never meant to be and wasted all of their time only for R to become a bigger ganja guru than he already was and for Z to become the saddest-looking, human puppy to ever grace the halls of Weslyn Preparatory. Chin up, Z, I’m sure you’re still alive and well in R’s hallucinations, and I don’t see him waking up from his constant fade any time soon, so you’ll always have that. And your hand in a dark room, which I hear you’re already well-acquainted with, so I guess this isn’t so tragic in the end after all! I’m also sure that somewhere, right now, AC is sitting in some very desperate lady’s lap reading this update with a huge ass smirk on her face. Female Coltrane: 1, Male Coltrane: 0.                            you know you love me,                                 xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

LR has been spotted at the gym almost on a daily basis, no surprise there. But who she’s been spotted with is well worth piquing my interest. With biceps to spare and abs comparable to the statue of David, AH seems to make the ultimate gym partner and LR definitely agrees. And who knows, AH has been getting a lot more than he lets off, I wouldn’t doubt if he’s been giving LR some private lessons in the showers after their workouts. Our walking chastity belt has also been spotted with SW at what looked to be the most romantic little coffee date any Starbucks has ever seen. Where did SW even come from, anyways? My bet is she was knocked out by paint fumes and hair dye for the entire duration of both summer and fall. Either way, AH has been making his rounds with both the ladies and the gents. My only question is, who is going to be the lucky Bulldog to pop our Christian golden boy’s giant cherry? Time is ticking, AH—better get a move on before you become the world’s only virgin to leave high school this year.                            you know you love me,                                 xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

I spy with my perfect eye the most interesting person making a name for himself in the UES in weeks. Dark alleys, hospital bills, disappearing from school… D’s life has become a full-blown Lifetime movie and honestly, I hope it never comes to an end. Whoever said you couldn’t mix business with pleasure was absolutely right, at least in D’s case. Sources tell me that ever since D’s business ventures landed him in the hospital, his pretty little O has gone MIA. I thought you liked spontaneity in a man, O? I guess becoming a human punching bag over a few little white rocks isn’t the kind of thing that turns you on. Pity. Feel free to walk my way, D, because your life has officially become my new favorite holiday classic.                            you know you love me,                                 xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Just when you thought I’ve disappeared for good, I’m back again, and you can forget your holiday cheer because I’m ready to show the UES just how naughty Weslyn’s so-called nice little girls and boys actually are behind those layered coats and designer scarves. When are you bitches going to learn that even when I’m not here, I’m always here? I have a few updates for you for now, Upper East Siders--consider me a gift that keeps on giving, though I can’t promise just how generous I’m going to be this holiday season.                           you know you love me,                                xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Spotted: P entering the Coltrane penthouse for the second time this week looking like a man on a mission, and we all know it wasn’t intended for AC. Many of my followers have been asking about any recent secret affairs or relationships. My answer to you pretties is to just stand outside the entrance to their building and see which Bulldogs come out looking more disheveled than they did when they came in. It’s getting easier to keep track of who isn’t getting screwed in the Coltrane residence, honestly. Who will be next in line? AH, perhaps? After all, he does like to get a taste from the best of both worlds. Or perhaps CM or AP, they look like they could use a little more dick or kitty in their lives.                             you know you love me,                                  xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

Spotted: A defenseless R being held down and beaten to a pulp by F and H on the corner of 88th Street. I, for one, am extremely disappointed with this one. I hoped those bruises blending in with R’s tattoos were pressed into his skin by Z after a few more wild nights in the kitchen. But no, it turns out his lover’s twin and his accomplice had some serious revenge to take out on R--some seriously stupid revenge. Beating up on the principal’s son? Really? Hate crimes don’t look good on a permanent record, H, and especially not on one as pristine as yours. It’s a shame for H, really. If only F really bit as much as he barked and didn’t need the help of the only remaining Jersey Shore wannabe of the UES to take down our California boy.                             you know you love me,                                  xoxo, gossip girl.

[weslyngossip]

lennox and austen have been awfully close lately, don't you think?

Who cares? The story of LS and AC is dreadfully boring--they have a threesome with the resident man whore and take more interest in open holes than what’s supposed to be going in them. *Yawn.* I happen to have information about AC that is far more interesting and likely to flip a few lives upside down. A valuable source has informed me that AC’s lesbionic tendencies didn’t just start with LS, and that on the contrary, she’s been a member of the mile high club since last summer! Congratulations are in order for two, though because the person who helped get her there was none other than my favorite deadbeat, AG--Playboy Mommy will be so proud when she finds out. Perhaps that’s why AC entered the halls of Weslyn Prep so confidently on the first day of school, she still had an afterglow that lasted ever since she hopped off the plane at JFK with a pair of panties in her cardigan.                             you know you love me,                                  xoxo, gossip girl.