Whataboutthat on ao3!
If I had a nickel for every favourite character of mine called either John or David I'd have like, four nickels. Which isn't a lot but damn do they keep getting slashed or shot in the throat!
itās moments like this, when theyāre alone and mickeyās walls slowly, slowly start to come down, when he smiles at one of ianās jokes, when he opens up about something unexpected, something personal, when he passes him a cigarette to put between his lips thatās still wet from being between his, that makes it all worth it.
or, a missing moment during ian and mickeyās summer together in season 2
inspired by davenziās first kissĀ // read and comment on ao3
Itās hot. Itās really fucking hot.
Ianās exhausted and feels gross. Sticky. He barely slept at all last night - a bedroom with three sweaty boys and no working AC unit to relieve them sucks at the best of times, let alone during a hot summer night. Heād spent most of it sitting at the window with a cigarette, hoping to entice some sort of breeze their way.
It didnāt work.
Summers in Chicago are brutal. The heat, the humidity, the constant sweat dripping down the back of your shirt. Ā
Itās unbearable.
Ian presses his forehead against the cool glass of the Kash and Grabās drink fridge, a crate of mismatched beers resting on his hip as he takes a moment to breathe whilst restocking.
Heās there for a moment, possibly longer - in this heat he canāt tell, time moves by so fucking slowly - when Mickey slumps against the door next to him.
āYou good?ā Mickey says, his back pressed against the glass. He smells of smoke, sweat and the cheap brand of detergent the Milkoviches use, when they use it, all balled into one.
āHot.ā Ian groans, twisting his head away from the glass and pulling himself upwards, leaving behind a smeared sheen of sweat where his forehead had just been.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
God, Mickey looks so good. He hasn't wiped the eyeliner off yet, and his whole worried thing he's got going on is strangely attractive. Ian's officially lost it. Mickey's just staring at him. He should probably say something. If only his braincells would do anything productive.
"You didn't wash it off?" is what he lands on, the words feeling awkward as they leave his mouth, trying desperately to sound normal.
Fuck, he can't stop staring at him. He looks so good. His eyes look so blue, his skin looks even more pale than usual, which enhances his dark hair and the dark eyeliner around his eyes. He looks amazing. Like a model. Or a really sexy vampire or something. Ian can't fucking think straight, okay? Sue him. His husband looks so fucking good and he can't be normal about any of this and Mickey's looking at him like he's freaking him out but he can't stop staring.
-
Or, Ian's kind of going insane when Mickey wears eyeliner.
Mickey doesnāt even look like himself when Ian confronts him about the marriage.
Heās so pale. Like I know theyāre both pale but Mickey actually looks like someone scrubbed his face with chalk. His expression when he pushes Ian, when he hits him-itās actually unrecognisable.
And it must have been so scary for Ian. To run after him when Mickey wouldnāt even speak. To try to turn him around, try to face him, try to even kiss him, for Mickey to push him away. And not push him away like when they first started out, push him away and look so different, so unlike the Mickey heād fallen in love with.
I donāt think the gravity of the situation was really hitting Ian. I think he was clinging so desperately onto what they could have. The worst was over-for him, Mickey was taking a bit of time to recover, okay fair enough. Heād come back when he was ready, he always did.
Only this time Mickeyās not coming back because heās getting married and Ian canāt understand why. He doesnāt seem to get how much that day affected him. He doesnāt seem to get that Terry has a gun to Mickeyās head. Again Ianās reactions to male and female assault are very very different. He understands that Terry is a sick and twisted piece of shit and that Mickey didnāt like what happened, but heās frightened that it might have worked. He knows Mickey loves him after that beating though. I think Mickey beating him up, reacting so violently must have been both terryfing and relieving. Because violence shows he cares. Violence means he still feels something for Ian. And yet to have Mickey make him bleed the way he was? To look at his face and see no trace of the boy he loves?
Ian choosing to stay in prison with Mickey in s10 (even though it didn't end up happening) is such a huge act of love that people ignore.
Ian had every reason to want to get out (while Mickey had far less, so it wouldn't have been as much of a sacrifice for him if it were the other way round). He had his family waiting for him and Lip's new baby, while Mickey didn't have any family on the outside like that (except for Sandy, but it's hard to know how close him and Sandy were throughout their lives since she's such a new character). Ian had ambitions and goals and dreams for the future while Mickey (although seeming less hopeless about life than he did in the early seasons) only wants to survive, be with Ian, and have enough money to live off. Ian wants to restart his life after prison with a legal job and a steady income while Mickey is still happy with stealing and scamming and dealing when they get out (their arguments in s11 about money stem from Mickey being happy with working just not legally, while Ian won't let him do that anymore).
Ian also knows Mickey very well. As much as Mickey says that they'll be fucking other people if Ian's on the outside and Mickey's inside and says they won't wait for each other, Ian knows that doesn't mean they're breaking up. It hurts his feelings, definitely, but Ian is aware that Mickey's just insecure and unhappy and worried about Ian leaving. He knows that if he gives Mickey enough time, Mickey will eventually have a proper talk with him about how things will work, because that's what always happens. Mickey shuts down, is reluctant to communicate, pushes Ian away, and then eventually relents when he realises Ian isn't going anywhere.
All of that makes what Ian does in s10 that much bigger. When Ian chooses to stay in prison for Mickey, it isn't to save their relationship, because Ian knows they'll stay together. By now, he's very much aware that Mickey isn't going anywhere. (Besides, I also think that whether Ian was outside or inside prison, by that point he wouldn't let Mickey go anywhere).
So when Ian chooses to stay, it is literally for the sole purpose of making Mickey happy. He doesn't like that he's made Mickey feel insecure about what will happen on the outside and he doesn't like that Mickey's upset about him leaving. So instead of waiting him out like he might have done normally, so that they could talk, Ian prioritises Mickey's happiness over their relationship. Remember Ian wanted a 'temporary seperation', which him being on the outside while Mickey was in would have granted (even though it's not an ideal situation and would have been a lot longer based on what they knew of Mickey's sentence at the time). That 'temporary seperation' probably would have been really good for their relationship.
He does it purely to make Mickey happy. No one's life is at risk. They won't be breaking up. He just sees that Mickey isn't happy with Ian getting out and he tries to fix it. He even says it:
'If I choose it, you would be happy. I just want to know, yes or no, would you be fucking happy?'
And sure, he's pissed about that making Mickey happy. Ian's not happy with Mickey wanting him to do that, Ian doesn't want to do that, but he does want to make Mickey happy. He's willing to make that huge, huge sacrifice to stay in prison because it would make Mickey happy. That's it. It's not for anything else.
That's such a huge sacrifice and it's a massive gesture of love and I'm so glad Mickey wisened up a bit and decided that he was being pretty selfish and it didn't end up happening.
But Ian was going to do it. He was going to do it to make Mickey happy even if he was unhappy, even if he would lose a lot of time with his new nephew, his family, even if it might make it harder to get a job in the future, even if he had to postpone starting his life again. He was going to do it to be with Mickey and to make him happy and that's so sweet.
Side note: if anyone's seen The Good Place, it really reminds me of one of the last episodes with Chidi and Eleanor. When Chidi needs to leave the Good Place but will stay at his own unhappiness to make Eleanor happy and Eleanor realises that she's being selfish and has to let Chidi go.
It's like, they're just so in love. I hate when people say Ian doesn't love Mickey that much or whatever because did you open your eyes at any point during the show?? People really see Ian giving up so much JUST to make Mickey less sad and go, oh no, Mickey loves Ian so much more blah blah blah. Like shut up. They love each other the same.
Also, Mickey getting Ian to leave in the end shows how much he loves Ian. It's the same thing. Ian leaving would make Mickey unhappy but he lets him go in the end because he knows it's the best thing for Ian and it would make Ian happy. He puts aside his own insecurities and past hurt surrounding 'waiting' when he's in prison and Ian's outside to make Ian happy. That's also a big gesture of love, and it shows growth, because Mickey wasn't able to make that same gesture at the border.
(Maybe the border isn't the best comparison, because that break up would have seemed very permanent to them at the time, while the prison thing is temporary.)
Anyway, I'm just trying to say how much this episode shows in terms of their love for one another and the sacrifices they're willing to make for each other. I feel like people gloss over it a lot, because it came to a fast resolution for Gallavich (in that they made up in two episodes instead of over the course of a season like they usually do, and actually made up properly with mutual 'I love you's and an agreement to stay together which they've never done before), but it's SUCH a big deal.
It's a huge moment for them and they love each other so so much and they want each other to be happy more than they want themselves to be happy. They're both somewhat selfish characters (not a bad thing) and they're selfless for each other and that's massive. I just think it should be spoken about more.
Thatās right. Iām going to do a meta post. Because this fantastic gifset from @sickness-health-all-that-shit got me thinking about something from a different angle. Iām not sure if this has been noted in the fandom before since Iām still relatively new compared to the Shameless veterans, so sorry in advance if this has been talked about to death.Ā
From the time Ian returns in season four through the last occasion when we see him with Yevgeny in season six, itās pretty clear that he loves that kid almost as much as Svetlana does and far more than Mickey seems to. Obviously, Mickey has a lot of justifiable reasons for not feeling particularly paternal towards Yevgeny that I wonāt get into here, and we do see a bit of a shift in the police station on that front for the first time. However, the fact of the matter is that Ian is more of a father to Yevgeny than Mickeyāeven Svetlana mentions his help when sheās talking to Kev. In my meta-viewing rounds, Iāve seen a lot about how Yevgenyās relation to Mickey and Ian being just a genuinely kind, compassionate person play a huge role here. I agree. There is, however, an enormous parallel with his own upbringing that I want to explore at length, and since writing is kind of my medium, I figured Iād do it here. (Again, if this has been talked about before, please continue scrolling and have a wonderful day! :D )
delighted to fill this prompt for you, my friend. hurts and comforts of varying degrees, coming right up! they do a little comforting for each other in the last one š
1.
the whole shiny new apartment thing had been ian's fucking idea to begin with, so when it happens, mickey's not totally sure what to do.
ian starts leaving the television on when they sit down to dinner, blasting music when they're rushing to get ready in the morning. he talks when mickey's not even in the room, just barely able to hear his voice from across the apartment.
it's the noise, he says: he misses the noise.
and maybe it takes ian by surprise, too. he'd been so eager to begin this new life, so ready for a place that's just their own. but then frank fucked off and died and their lives exploded in activity. the gallaghers, all flung back together just as they edged apart.
once the dust settles, ian seems a little, well, lost.
even as they slowly fill their place with thrifted furniture and potted plants, even as they buy matching bath towels and wash cloths, and even as they stash whole foods fruit in their fridge - ian can't seem to just settle in.
and it's not like mickey doesn't understand. they've uprooted their whole lives, and he's not totally comfortable himself. he fell asleep to gunshots and sirens in his headphones for weeks, it's just -
they finally have what ian wanted, and this regression is giving mickey whiplash. is ian even happy here? was it all for nothing?
before too long, gallagher paraphernalia starts showing up in the apartment. the throw blanket over the back of the couch, mugs and dinky cereal bowls in the cabinets, some hideous sign ian lifted from the kitchen: ring for service, then serve yourself!
between the noise and the stuff, the too-white curtains and the shiny floors, not to mention that stupid fucking sign, they're both jittery, jumping messes.
so much so, in fact, that the shattering of porcelain coming from the kitchen on a saturday morning doesn't faze mickey in the least. what gets him is the outburst that follows.
"jesus fuck, god dammit," ian groans, and the teariness at the edge of his voice carries into the living room. when mickey reaches him, he's sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, staring dejectedly at the shards of a broken mug scattered around him.
"you alright?"
a shrug.
"hurt yourself?"
a small shake of the head.
mickey steps into the kitchen, and ian finally looks up. "watch out for your feet," he warns. mickey just waves him off and sits down beside him. takes his hand, rubs a thumb over the back of it.
"what happened here?"
"i dropped it," ian mutters. "my stupid bigass clumsy hands - "
"hey," mickey interrupts, "i love those bigass hands. you leave them out of this. what's goin' on?"
"i don't know," ian admits. "fiona used to drink outta these mugs while getting us ready for school. lip drank gallons of coffee from 'em while he was gettin' sober. i don't know. it feels like home to hold."
mickey hums; he gets it. some things do feel like home to hold. his gun, his sketchbook, a cold beer on a hot day. ian feels like home to hold.
"well," he says, "i have it on good authority that we got like, two more of those rooster mugs in the cabinet. we can sweep this up and grab another."
ian squeezes his eyes shut, as if the thought causes him physical pain. mickey backtracks quickly, offering another solution.
"or we could glue it."
ian is incredulous. "mickey, it's in, like, a thousand pieces. come on."
"okay, first of all, it's in maybe ten pieces. you think i grew up in terry's house without learning how to glue all my shit back together?"
mickey holds his gaze when ian's eyes soften. "alright," he says, standing to grab the superglue from their junk drawer. "thank you."
they work quietly on the kitchen floor for a while, ian handing the shards to mickey as he gingerly pieces them together.
"you been missin' the old house, huh?"
ian lets out a heavy breath. "yeah," he sighs. "i know it's what i wanted, and i love being alone with you. but - it's just different, i guess. i miss the mess."
"so you threw your mug on the ground for the mess?"
"shut up," ian laughs, "'course not. i didn't think i'd miss it at all. just wanted to be with you. guess it's been hard to let go."
"you don't gotta let go, man. we're still southside, that's still your family." mickey almost laughs at the role reversal. ian gave him this speech just a few weeks ago. they're always ebbing and flowing, it seems. "we're doin' alright here, right?"
"we are," ian agrees. "i don't regret it or anything, i promise. i'm just - just figuring it out, i guess."
mickey carefully hands ian the cracked rooster mug.
"then we'll figure it out."
ian snorts. "god, that was corny."
"fuck you, that was good," mickey snaps heatlessly. "and i mean it. we're adaptable fuckers, it'll be fine."
"yeah," ian murmurs as he leans in for a kiss. "yeah, alright then."
mickey grins wickedly when he pulls away.
"but you have to get rid of that fucking sign."
2.
ian doesn't think much of it when the song comes on the radio. they're between pickups, driving around in search of a place for lunch. he even turns the sound up a bit, hums along since he doesn't really know the words.
he bobs his head, tapping his thumbs against the steering wheel as he seeks out a parking spot. "jackpot," he hisses in victory when he sees an open place just ahead.
it's then that ian hears mickey take a ragged breath beside him.
"mick," he asks as he pulls into the spot, "you alright over there?"
a beat.
mickey rubs at his face.
"fine," he answers dully.
ian's fingers fly to the ignition, turning the key so he can shift to face mickey.
"what's goin' on," he asks again, "did something happen?"
"no, man, come on," mickey tries to deflect. "let's just get some food."
ian's not buying it.
"hey," he says firmly. "i know you wouldn't let this slide if it were me. just tell me, and we can get some lunch."
mickey's quiet for a moment, picking at the skin around his fingernails. ian reaches out and takes his hand.
"it's nothing," he starts, and ian's about to argue when he speaks again. "it's just - that song."
"bruce springsteen, really?"
"i don't know shit about that guy," mickey explains. "but - my mom..."
fuck. fuck. they never talk about her. whereas ian sometimes gets the urge to lay in bed and tell mickey stories about monica, mickey prefers to keep laura closer. ian doesn't know much about her - she looked like mandy, she was young, and she was often hurt. she tried, when she could. loved them while she could.
but he doesn't know her.
"what about her?" ian asks gently, quietly.
"s'not much," mickey mutters. "i don't even know how old i was. i just remember sitting on the couch. she was in the kitchen, makin' something. and she was singing."
"she was singing that song?"
mickey thumbs at his lip. "yeah. i don't think it was, like, special or anything. but i just remembered what she sounded like. remembered listenin' to her."
ian wonders how much he can ask, how much mickey wants him to know.
"did she sing a lot?"
mickey blinks, eyes unfocused as he searches his memory. "i guess," he shrugs. "she hummed a lot. kinda like you. she was just always makin' sound. when it was just us."
ian smiles. then it must have been like this: "she trusted you."
"i was just a kid, man," he argues lightly.
"no, she did," ian tells him. "she could be herself around you."
mickey turns to look at him then, eyes wide and wet.
"she was just - she was just alive, y'know? she had a voice. like, a sound. and i can hear it. fuck." he releases ian's hand and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes.
it's awkward within the confines of the the ambulance, but ian grabs mickey as best he can and cuddles him close.
"you've been so loved, mick," he whispers.
"yeah," mickey snorts, "by you."
"not just by me," ian argues fiercely. "maybe it wasn't as loudly and as openly as you deserve, but i know she loved you. mandy, your brothers. they love you how they can."
"it wasn't much," mickey grumbles. "it's like - we never had time for that."
"well," ian tells him, "we have time now. you can tell me about her, if you want. when you want. you can love her."
he presses a kiss to mickey's hair, feeling him settle beneath him.
"and i'll love her, too."
3.
ian never should have tried that move.
mickey told him it wouldn't work, that neither of them could bend that way, and that it would only end in pain.
and so it does, with ian naked, white-faced, and hissing in pain as mickey lands on top of him on the kitchen floor. when he rolls over onto the cold tile, ian immediately reaches for his ankle.
"fuck, fuck, fuck," he groans. "oh god fucking damn it."
"i knew this was gonna happen," mickey sighs, reaching for their clothes.
"will you stop fuckin' gloating and call an uber or something, please," ian snaps.
"hey man," mickey says, running a hand through ian's hair, "you're okay. we'll get ya checked out, but you'll be fine."
and he is fine, mostly.
ian had cushioned mickey's own fall, but in the way he landed, he'd also managed to fracture both his ankle and his wrist.
"we're not telling anyone how this happened," ian warns as mickey helps him to the couch that afternoon. mickey nods placatingly, and decides not to mention that he's already told sandy.
mickey makes ian stay on the couch, propped up and irritated, for the next few days. probably out of some intricate knot of guilt, both from this recent fall and the last time ian broke a bone.
on day four, ian's about to lose his mind.
"mickey," he whines, "please let me go outside, i'm losing it."
"fuck no, man," mickey replies firmly. "the doc said you have to keep off that ankle, and if you go outside, i know your stupid ass will try joggin' on it."
ian grumbles. mickey's right, and they both know it.
"now shut the fuck up, and i'll bring you a sandwich or something."
he crouches down by the sofa, patting gently at ian's cheek. he's startled for a moment when ian looks back at him with red eyes.
"what's wrong, you in pain?"
mickey quickly calculates how long it's been since ian's last pain pill. there's still half an hour or so left till he's due for another, but if he's really suffering, mickey will bend the rules a little.
"no," ian mumbles. "well, yes. but i'm just feelin' fucking crazy sitting here all day."
fuck.
"crazy how?"
ian waves his concern away. "not like that. just - fuck, i gotta move or i'm gonna punch something."
"okay, well you're not punching anything with that fucked up hand, ian," mickey reminds him. ian groans in response, squeezing his eyes shut.
ian has never been good at relaxing much. if he's too idle, he starts to worry about slipping, about letting the hours get away from him. he needs to feel busy, to feel useful.
"it's okay to rest, you know," mickey tells him quietly. "you gotta heal, man."
"i'm just feeling like a useless lump, mick. can't even fuck you right now."
"ian," mickey laughs, "you're not useless to me if you can't fuck me. i need you healthy, that's all."
ian doesn't respond to that, so mickey just ruffles his hair and retreats to the kitchen to make some lunch. it's as he's buttering the bread for grilled cheese that he has an idea.
after ian's eaten, he digs through the closet for a couple of old hand weights. then he helps ian hobble into bed and hands him one. after he's settled, mickey stretches out beside him.
"the fuck we doin'?"
"we're gonna exercise, bitch. now, don't use your broken ass wrist, use the other one."
ian looks skeptical.
āyou sure this isnāt a sex thing?ā
ājust do what this stupid woman says, man,ā mickey instructs, pulling up some app heād downloaded. āletās work out, or whatever.ā
mickey doesnāt really get it, ianās incessant need to be mobile and active. after a fuckinā lifetime of hustling, he thinks theyāve earned the right to just sit together and do nothing.
but if itāll help ian feel good, if itāll help him relax and heal and stay the fuck off his foot, mickey will listen to this annoying woman tell him how to stretch.
ian reaches his good arm up and groans in delight. mickey mirrors him, stretching and reaching and humming. he feels loose, he feels good.
and when ian smiles that dopey, lovesick, toothy grin, he feels like he could reach for miles.
4.
ian's just throwing their bedding in the drier when his phone rings.
he smiles when he sees mickey's name flash on the screen. he's at the grocery store, no doubt calling because he doesn't know which kind of peanut butter to buy.
"just get the creamy kind and come back," ian says by way of greeting.
"what? ian, you need to come down here."
"mick, come on. you don't need me for this," ian sighs. they may be codependent but they're not that bad.
"no, i - i do. i need you to come here."
it's then that ian finally notes the shakiness of mickey's voice. the fear that rattles down the line.
"hey, you okay?" he asks, suddenly alert and awash with dread.
"i'm good," mickey promises weakly. "you just gotta get over here. please."
ian leaves the laundry and nearly sprints the mile to the grocery store. when he gets to mickey, who sits on the curb outside the store, he's huffing and gulping air. his husband stands and grabs at his shoulders.
"the fuck you run here for?"
"you said - fuck - you said you - needed me," ian gasps.
"well i didn't say you had to break a record to get here," mickey snaps, rubbing at ian's arms. when ian is upright and breathing steadier, mickey sinks into his arms.
"mick, you're freaking me out. what happened?"
even as he panics, he rubs at mickey's back, hoping to settle him. mickey's a little sheepish when he pulls away.
"someone broke into the car," he informs ian.
well, fuck.
their new car. new to them, anyways, bought off a used car lot last week. mickey gestures over to it - each window smashed, broken glass littered about. the surrounding cars look much the same.
"was there even anything in there?" ian asks, incredulous.
"nah," mickey sniffs. "looks like someone just hit up every car they could before someone spotted them."
ian shrugs. it could've been worse. mickey could have been in the car. it'll be a pain, replacing those windows, but ian doesn't really care.
"you're okay, though?"
"yeah," mickey breathes, but ian's not convinced. "the store called the cops, they're gonna pull up security footage. i just - " he stops, a visible shiver running through him.
"yeah?"
ian takes a step closer, throwing his hands over mickey's shoulders. mickey looks up at him, down at his feet, then back to ian's face.
"it freaked me out, is all," he says lowly, embarrassed. ian is surprised, and it must show, because mickey continues, "i didn't think this kinda shit would happen anymore. not over here."
he finally felt safe here.
he let his guard down.
and someone broke into his space, shattering that security.
"shit, mick," ian soothes, pulling mickey closer. "i'm sorry this happened. sorry you walked outta there to see that."
mickey just nods against his shoulder.
"you know i'll always keep you safe, right?"
mickey nods again.
"this sucks, but you're alright. we're alright," he says. he says it over and over as mickey holds onto him. we're alright, we're alright.
that night, ian holds mickey a little tighter. they stay awake a little longer, looking and touching. reminding themselves, reminding each other.
they're alright.
5.
mickey's going to die.
he's sitting on the couch, rigid and sweating and biting down on a groan, and he knows he's gonna die. ian's whistling as he washes the dishes.
mickey's gonna die here in silence while ian scrubs a plate.
ian had cooked dinner tonight. some pasta with a rich and creamy sauce, made with tomatoes from his own garden. he'd been thrilled when mickey slurped his way through it and asked for seconds.
it was good. it was really good. but now it's fighting its way through mickey's digestive system, and he can't ever tell ian about this. he can't ever tell ian that the food he made with his own two hands has killed mickey.
so when ian comes to join him on the couch, mickey moves to the armchair. he should have known that this simple act would immediately put ian on alert.
"what's going on?" ian asks, eyes narrowing.
"nothin'," mickey says with barely passable nonchalance.
"oh yeah? i dare you to come kiss me right now."
"sure will. ready them lips, red."
mickey bites down on his tongue as he stands, a wave of pain rolling through him. he's going to drop dead right now, he knows it. it's over, defeated at the hand of a red fruit.
he doesn't make it over to ian, doubling over just before reaching the couch.
"alright, mick, spill," ian demands, leading mickey back to their bedroom. mickey stays quiet while ian hunts through his bedside table for a bottle of pepto bismol. "mickey," he snaps, shaking the bottle of tablets in front of him. "why did you eat dinner if you were feelin' so bad?"
mickey stares resolutely at the ceiling.
"oh," ian gasps softly. "it was the dinner, huh?"
his stomach clenches - both in pain and in guilt. "i wasn't gonna - i wasn't gonna say anything," he groans.
"mick," ian admonishes gently. "you should always tell me if you're feelin' bad. if the dinner's not sitting well with you, that's okay."
he says it's okay, but ian's own eyes are tinged with guilt. mickey takes his hand, kisses it.
"it was real good," mickey promises. "i dunno why it's - fuck! why it's like this now."
ian hums, rubbing mickey's belly with his other hand. "the cream, maybe? or maybe we need less cheese."
"fuck you if you think i'm eatin' less cheese."
"we'll just try it out, see if you feel better. maybe i'll go back to pre-made stuff till i get better at this."
"no way," mickey tells him through clenched teeth. "nothin' wrong with the way you do this. it makes you happy, i like it."
ian shakes his hand loose and rubs it over mickey's sweaty forehead. smiles down at him, leans down to kiss his hairline.
"okay then. we'll keep tryin'. but no dairy for a week."
every time someone says āian fell first, mickey fell harderā an angel loses its wings as i hate that trope so much. why do ppl salivate at the idea of someone being āloved lessā or āloving moreā? itās so weird. i love the idea of mickey being loved by ian just as fiercely as mickey loves ian. why do fans not want that for their OTP? as it doesnāt really sound like mickey has more to lose so fell harder, āfalling harderā sounds like loving more. itās not a very nice trope and i wish it would die like terry.
*cracks knuckles* anon, you have unleashed something here.
because i absolutely agree with you, but i also see where that reading of their relationship comes from (hear me out!!)
i think that we have to acknowledge the difference between avid fans and general audience. you and i are people who are active fans, who want to dissect the nuance and consider the larger complexity of the characters. there are others who enjoyed the show and watched it at face value, were entertained by what they were shown and that's where their engagement of it ends.
what this means is that there are very different ways to consume media. and they are all valid ways to consume it. i have no right to tell someone they're 'not a fan' or are 'reading it wrong' just because they haven't put the time into it that i have. that's not my place, it's not my business, and it's also generally just gate-keepy and negative and will do larger damage to fandom as a landscape. if people who have never been in fandom are immediately met with vitriol or people being condescending, they're less likely to engage at all.
there is (unfortunately) a lot of meta-textual stuff that impacted how the gallavich relationship played out. and these are things that casual watchers wouldn't necessarily be privy to (contract negotiations, the show meaning to end at s7, cameron's departure and then return, etc).
so, if you view the show without any of that information, and with no hindsight, you can kinda see a disparity in how they treated each other. especially because the show tried to do some active character assassination of mickey (via ian) in season 6. with the added context of the show fumbling noel's contract and the writers trying to bury the relationship, we can see this for the ploy it was. but it likely worked on a lot of viewers, and it was by design. so you can't really blame people for falling into that trap....'cause like.....the trap was purposely laid for them.
all of this is of course giving people the benefit of the doubt and going off of the assumption that people simply took the show at face value and so were led to form certain opinions.
THEN you have people who simply may not have the emotional maturity or media literacy skills to dissect nuance, even when they want to. People who seem to actively misinterpret a character's motivations. These people go hand-in-hand with people who try to justify bad writing as being the character's just 'changing' and so the parameters of what the character would do/say/allow are no longer the same. Again, this isn't something that is necessarily anyone's fault and isn't my business to comment on, because it's a tv show and it's not that deep and it's for entertainment.
so, yeah, maybe people will say 'ian loves less because he dumped mickey and had other boyfriends and talked poorly about it and didn't want to commit'. and the thing is, all of those things are technically true. ian did do those things. so i can see why people may come to certain conclusions.
i just think that's a very watered-down and shallow reading of ian's character, and it doesn't consider the complexity of the show. the show is layered with themes of how someone's upbringing and environments can shape them. ian's a product of his circumstances, the same as any character, and his actions should be viewed through a particular lens in order to appreciate the depth of his character. i think it's a disservice to him to say he doesn't love mickey because he dumped him, without dissecting the WHY and HOW.
I have gone into some detail about my thoughts regarding the initial breakup here. Ian was both selfish and self-righteous, and believed he was acting in both his own self interest, but also mickey's. i truly believe ian thought what he was doing was necessary, and this was hugely influenced by monica's opinion post ian's diagnosis. i believe this break up would still have happened even if the show hadn't lost noel for these reasons. the reconciliation would simply be different. i think that the break up is actually very in keeping with ian's character in context.
in the first 3 seasons ian is the one who is actively fighting to build something with mickey. he wants the best for mickey. he pushes mickey to pursue his own happiness. he gets mickey a job. he hangs out with him. he provides an outlet for mickey to be himself in a world that doesn't accept him. ian did SO MUCH for mickey within his limited means, and within the boundaries of what mickey would allow. and it pains me that people seem to forget that when they look at the later seasons (especially post season 6, because the trap of the character assassination back-fired, and the meta-textual stuff took hold). it seemed to create a divide, either audience members bought into the retcon of their relationship through ian's eyes and saw mickey negatively, or they began to view ian negatively for seemingly slandering mickey with blatant untruths.
and i think the clearest explanation for ian's behaviour throughout this arc is that he suffers from cognitive dissonance. (i actually think a lot of the characters do, especially ian, mickey, and fiona, but that's a different conversation).
cognitive dissonance is a state of mind that causes mental distress. it's when somebody's beliefs are at odds with their actions. and the defining difference between cognitive dissonance and simple denial is self-awareness. people who suffer from cognitive dissonance know that they are behaving in ways that contradict what they believe or how they feel. and it's that awareness that causes them stress and anxiety, and negatively impacts their mental well being. so what does the brain do to counteract this? it justifies and compartmentalizes. the person changes either their behaviour or their beliefs specifically to try to assuage their anxiety.
there's likely a talking point regarding mickey, cognitive dissonance, and internalised homophobia. there's like a talking point regarding fiona, cognitive dissonance, and lying about her upbringing/pretending she is from a higher social class. but again, a different time.
if ian is aware that his behaviour (breaking up with mickey) is at odds with his beliefs (he loves and wants to be with mickey), he is then suffering from cognitive dissonance and is under immense mental strain. and he cannot change his behaviour (mickey is in prison and no longer a viable option romantically) therefore his mind re-packages and compartmentalizes how he views their relationship in order to justify his behaviour to himself.
the fact that mickey is also absent during this time means that ian is never put into a situation where he has to directly confront this way of thinking. he is free to reimagine their relationship without any pushback or anybody to contradict him. and it's this new 'belief' that allows him to keep going and work on himself.
ian also lost a lot of his self-confidence post diagnosis. he was once the most confident, the most sure of himself. he had clear career goals and aspirations, an unparalleled work ethic, and a certainty in his own identity. all of those things were lost to him after he was diagnosed. ian went through a period of not knowing himself, and so therefore doesn't trust that anybody else can know him either.
this low self-esteem comes back to haunt him on multiple occasions, especially when he is confronted with change. he used to rally against the odds. he used to be willing to face change head-on if it would lead to his end goal. but he doesn't have that same confidence anymore. he believes that his diagnosis has redefined who he is, and makes him undesirable. he broke up with mickey because he felt he was a burden and didn't want to be babied. he assumed mickey would see the bipolar first and ian second. ian then told mandy that he believed caleb would eventually leave him when he witnessed an episode.
during the marriage argument ian says 'i don't know who i am from one day to the next. i can't guarantee shit' and 'how can you know that that's what you want to spend the rest of your life with?' He's not doubting his own feelings for Mickey, he's doubting his own self-worth. He doesn't believe that he is worth staying with. He thinks this argument is in Mickey's best interest, he worries that Mickey will regret marrying him.
So even when it may appear that Ian is putting up roadblocks in their relationship, he's still thinking of Mickey.
NOW, let's consider Mickey's perspective!
Mickey was unable to live authentically for a long time, and actively put up roadblocks himself in the early days. His reasons may be more understandable to some audience members because they are physical threats and outside forces. People can see Terry wanting Mickey dead, and understand that is a valid concern for Mickey. People may not be able to have the same kind of empathy for Ian, because his hurdles are internal and are closely linked to his mental illness and self-worth.
it's easy for people to say "Mickey's concerns are valid" when Terry is right there saying "I'll fucking kill you." It's harder for people to understand "Ian's concerns are valid" when Ian keeps saying "how can you love me?" when Mickey is consistently saying that he does.
But both of them had valid reasons for behaving and thinking the way they did.
Mickey also had never had any real love or affection in his life before ian, so there's a much starker contrast that makes it more apparent. His love seems bigger or more grand, or more obvious because of that contrast. Mickey went from caring about nobody, to putting Ian above everything. There's very little grey area. He had further to fall, and so it seems more monumental when the fall actually happens. He went from 0 to 100. This gave Mickey more opportunity to make grand gestures.
Ian has always been open with his affection, he's worn his heart on his sleeve. He's affectionate and earnest and loves his family and his friends. His capacity to love feels more like a natural extension of himself and a part of his overall character, rather than something that is specifically tied to Mickey.
The audience can see where Mickey started and where he ended as being vastly different people. And Mickey's overall story arc is a love story, because he is changed by Ian's love. He learns to love himself through his love for Ian. He defies his abusive father in order to love Ian. Every aspect of Mickey's story in terms of his growth is tied to Ian.
Ian was a main character throughout the whole show who had substantial relationships with many characters. He had many formative story arcs separate from their relationship.
They love each other more than anything. But from a storytelling perspective their love story is a larger fraction of Mickey's overall arc than it was of Ian's. And that's because of all of the things I've listed above. Ian's family. Ian's goals. Ian's diagnosis. Ian's self-worth. The periods of Mickey's absence where Ian has no choice but to rebuild. We are afforded the opportunity to see Ian as an individual in a way we do not always get to see Mickey.
And again, with a face value viewing of the show, and a surface level understanding of nuance and media literacy, we inevitably end up with people thinking this means Mickey 'loves more' or 'fell harder'. But that's just an oversimplification and untrue.
Love is not something that can be quantified. Love looks and feels different to everyone. And what matters is that they always managed to give each other the love they each needed when it mattered.
Hey. I'm a huge fann of Help me Sleep (I Can't Close my Eyes). I've read it two times since you published. Would you imagine a chapter 2 or a sequel with Ian helping Mickey to take care of his health, like helping him to go to the clinic if he needs or using his EMT skills on him? Welldone for the atmosphere of this fic, the softness, the way they watch each other sleeping, their mutual concern, and the pancakes scene. The winter vibe is perfect.
Hi!!
I havenāt really thought of a sequel for it but that is a cool idea!! Iād have to do a lot more research on the medical side of insomnia haha
I kinda just hit Mickey with a beam of whatever Iām going through (which right now is a bout of wicked insomnia)
Prompt (if you feel inspired) - Theyāve finally got furniture including a sofa and a new bed and lots of little things and their apartment is looking and feeling more like a home. Do they have a moment of - āoh, weāre actually married and we have a home together and after everything weāve been through weāre still so in loveā?
Domestic Gallavich is my jam, especially husbands in love! I remember having this *holy shit* moment myself a few times, once when I came home from work to mine and my wifeās very first place together and again when I started a new job after we were married and someone called me Mrs. Itās batshit crazy growing up š
Anyway! Enough of my rambling. Hope you like!
Well, Shit.
It doesnāt happen right away; not even in the first month. In fact, itās seven weeks later that it finally dawns on them. Well, Ian anyway.
Sunday is here, finally. When they moved out, Ian had this foolish notion that theyād have alone time, time to actually be a couple, but the weeks are so fucking hectic and thereās always some Gallagher shit going down on a Saturday, that Sundayās have become their only day for just the two of them.
And thatās exactly what theyāve been doing every Sunday since they moved in.
Ian always gets up first, the adrenaline of the week still ebbing in his system. He goes for a short run around the neighbourhood, making mental notes of the places he thinks Mickey might like, before picking up breakfast muffins from a cute little bakery Mickey at first insisted he hated (until Ian found him in the refrigerator in the middle of the night practically licking a bakery box clean). They eat and drink orange juice and Mickey will kiss Ian on top of the head while he refills his dose box for the week ahead. After that theyāll go for a dip, if weather permits, and mess around in the pool like annoying children. Next, theyāll shower, redress, eat lunch and then head out to pick up groceries or any last bits of furniture. Finally theyāll make dinner, make out in front of the TV and then make love like theyāve got all the time in the world.
However, on this particular Sunday, something feels different. Ian wakes first, as usual, and as he slowly pulls himself upright, scrubbing the sleep from his eyes and thinking about the day ahead, about breakfast muffins and their afternoon plans, he realises thereās nothing left to do.
His hand instantly drops from his face. Fuck. Thereās *nothing* left to do. Thereās no pieces of furniture left to buy, no last bits to pick up to make this place a home.
Ian glances around their bedroom from the foot of the dark varnished bed to the matching dresser and closet, from their deodorants and skin care neatly laid out on the dresser top to their framed wedding photos hanging above it.
He looks at the slightly ajar bedroom door and thinks about the rooms that lay beyond it, all filled with the necessary furniture and appliances to make this apartment a home. Their home.
He knows Mickeyās boots lay in a haphazard pile next to (not in) the shoe rack they bought two weeks ago, kicked off there yesterday, like Mickey does every evening when he gets home. He knows the remote is still hidden beneath the rug in the living room so Mickey couldnāt change the channel from Ianās favourite cooking show. He knows thereās still half a bag of groceries on the kitchen counter to put away after Mickey had pressed closed behind him fresh from the shower, kissing the back of his neck and working Ianās jeans open with soft, warm hands.
And for the first time ever, he realises heās woken up not completely bemused by the fact there arenāt what seems like hundreds of noisy Gallagherās outside his bedroom door.
āMick,ā Ian hisses urgently, shaking his sleepy husband awake. Mickey groans and rolls onto his back, throwing an arm over his face.
āWhat, man? Iām sleepināā he mumbles. When Ian doesnāt answer, Mickeyās arm drops away from his eyes, eyebrows raised in concern as he regards Ianās expression of disbelief. He sighs and blinks fully awake. āWhat is it?ā He asks, a little softer this time.
āWeāre home,ā Ian replies, and Mickey slowly glances from left to right.
āYeah, so? Where else would we be?ā
Ian shifts, angling himself towards his husband. āNo, but - weāre here. Weāre home. Weāre *married*, Mickey.ā
Itās only the goofy smile on Ianās face that makes Mickey look back up at his husband with puzzled amusement instead of worry, and both of their grins get even wider as Ian moves to lay his sleep warm body over Mickeyās, covering him completely, the way he knows Mickey likes.
āWe are?ā Mickey blinks, holding up his left hand to inspect the wedding ring wrapped around his finger. Ian looks at it too, and now heās struck by how in place it looks on Mickeyās hand, like it was always meant to be there. āWell, shit. I guess we are.ā
Ian kisses Mickeyās smile, prying it apart so he can taste the hot sweetness beneath.
