What Would Tyler Durden Do?

[what-would-tyler-do]

Wondering something? Worried about what the people watching will think of you if you look it up on a search engine? Need a better opinion than yours? Do you need someone to tell you what to think constantly? Permission to breathe? Can’t fuck? Can’t cry? Can’t sleep? Shaking and sweating because God never answers and you’re starting to think he might not love you?

ASK TYLER

Tyler will tell you what to do. Use the button on this profile usefully titled ‘talk to tyler’ and see what happens. You will not be fined. This is a free service.

Tyler can deliver you if you let him. Trust him.

[marlasbreastlump]

was originally gonna color and post this for pride month but i lost the original file

EDIT: Thank you to @localdisasterisk for making the image discs!! :)

[what-would-tyler-do]

hi mr durden i dont think im real. can i still go to fight club

What do you think we're doing around here? You'll fit fine. We've got some fifteen, twenty-something dissociatives. Half of 'em named Tony, for some reason— they weren't always Tony, maybe. Folie à Tony. More by the day. Now go sign up and get punched

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

mr durden. if i fuck a guy who is everything i want to be will i get it out of my sistem and turn into a cishet woman or are there better solutions

Those are not words. No. If you're trying to fuck and become, you eat him. If you're trying to lie, it sounds like you're already doing it. If you expect him to be all of that, you might fuck him and find out he's less; in which case you have to proceed anyways and do it better. You might fuck him and turn him into a woman. It happens. Ask anyone

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

*knocks on door* would you like to buy life insurance?

Nothing is insured. You are going to die and there's nothing, no CEO you can pay a thousand a month of your miserably earned wages to, no God who cares enough to listen to your prayers, no 360 degree airbag coverage that can stop it. You are going to die. Take my hand. Scam telemarketers NOW. Don't grieve. Are you here trying to get in because I don't see your supplies and we're pretty strict on the medium sized bowl thing

[what-would-tyler-do]

mr durden you know things. what substance would fix me. could be meds but also could be coke

Stop trying to be fixed and go take as many stimulants as you can fit. Now party.

[what-would-tyler-do]

Too young, too round. Adequately freaky but this does not get you in the door. Off my porch

[what-would-tyler-do]

hi tyler happy valentines day whats up

What day is it. Can you hear that

[what-would-tyler-do]

Yes. This is good. It will go on the wall.

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

dude would kissing this dude make me less asexual i rhinl it would om not sure i ned to try whay id it works

If it works, you're kissing a dude sexual style. If it doesn't work, you're gonna kiss him a-sexual style. Trial and discovery go hand in hand. Now go forth and kiss dudes. Conquer or go home

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

hi Tyler how far do you think is too far to be obsessed with Brad Pitt. . genuine joy on my face when I see the guy, I've seen all the movies. also I might've taken a bite of soap off the table.

Barely know the name. Kind of funny. TV isn't on that often, you wanna get through ten minutes you better rewire that antenna yourself. Too far is wasting your money and mind away to rot. Be smart. Don't throw your life away watching someone else's. Just because the TV sells you personality doesn't mean you have to keep buying. How d'you think we end up with three guys living 20 different lives on the screen with 3 personalities to choose from who don't know how to work or live in the real world? Do you think So-And-So Pitt or whoever could fix your car?

This guy, with his Mr. Hollywood sunglasses and carefully styled hair, stranded on the side of the road by his 3.5 million dollar car that is going a flat 0 miles an hour to nowhere. He cannot change a flat tire. He may not even be able to tell that it is flat. A bear comes along from the trees. He meets its eyes first in disbelief, then indignation. This does not happen to Mr. Hollywood, he is not the first to think. He has lost his keys because a lifetime of scripts and cameras has made him functionally incompetent. Porn actors are more honest. He flashes a smile, extends an uncalloused hand, uneasy and placating. His movie star white teeth will not help him here. He makes the bear angry. He has no idea what he is doing, because any splinter of memory from boy scouts has been pissed out of him. In the middle of the wilderness this man is the closest thing to a princess lost from her tower you can imagine. Nature sniffs out the weak and frail and wounded. The car wouldn't have saved him even if he knew what to do when he got behind the wheel. A hundred thousand miles away the sky is blue and someone is breathing. But not here. Everything on either side of the road goes quiet but the wind. The bear eats him, and nothing could have saved him because he is a pussy that has probably lived in a mansion for as long as he could afford one. There's a car twenty miles down that is going to drive through the sludge of his organs before they even know what's happened. Money and fame does not talk in any semblance of the real world left, and we will return to it.

Out. Get out of my house. You're gonna throw that up, you know. Does the crime tied right back to your dental record feel worth it yet?

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

I got drunk and said stupid shit in a Discord server which got me banned

Do you cry when the barkeep bans you for dancing on the serving table ? Also there's no division for arguing. What are you talking about. No freelancing or you deserved it

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

I've decided not to kill myself

Good. Now have fun and keep doing it.

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

hi mr durden do you think it is possible to survive 2 jobs without being really high. i say this because i am currently really high. at my job. i want to send a bomb to my boss

No. There's this thing with a computer

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

ty how do you celebrate your birthday

If you are a smoker, smoke twenty-five cigarettes. If you are not a smoker, smoke twenty-five cigarettes. Birthday candles for which the precise age is irrelevant. Go remove the lock from the bank vault. Tell them it is your birthday. This will not stop them from trying to stop you. You must walk very fast.

It is essential to greet the employees kindly on your way in and out. They are not the establishment, they just work there. And miserably.

Take it to the park. You are now a father. Does the sky look different. Do you feel. Is there a yearning for a better world within you. Is there hunger.

Remember.

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

hi tyler what are your thoughts on the entire twilight saga

also how has your january been so far

Well. It happens twice a day. Is that a saga for you?

Lotta cars, string, ""fireworks"" and """hazard management""". We have built a pyramid the likes of which "civilized" man would cry in the face of with our own hands and some good old-fashioned rigging. In beautiful exercise of the unchecked hubris of God's abandoned children left unsupervised, we jacked that big crane from across the lot to climb higher.

And watched our creaking, moaning Tower of Babel sway in the wind under the universal weight of a creation built to stand but not to last— and that three-ton truck tree topper you finished her with. Looked into Heaven and spit in its eye before she came tumbling thunderously down, leaving a lot of glass and a big truck-shaped dent in the garden in her wake. She wasn't long for this world, but damned if she wasn't beautiful.

Ground was shaken, wreckage salvaged. Broken bottles getting gently swept to new ground on the other side of the street. The pulley tore through the wood. Rot'll do that. Oh, and the termites. They seem fine. You really oughta watch that hole, though

Tyler

[what-would-tyler-do]

How to cross the line?

Hops, skips, and jumps all seem to work fine. A leap if you're feeling dangerous. Alarming. If you're feeling bad. Critical. Deadly. Fatal. If you're feeling nasty. Perilous, even. Precarious. Serious. Terrible. If you're feeling threatening and treacherous and ugly. Unhealthy, unsafe, unstable, y'know the way. What kind of line?

Tyler