what a shame

Valerian Route. working on my book, posting parts of it

[whatashame97]

How to read.

the smell is sweet

i remember lying in it

each seed of each blade caught on fabric

brushing skin

14? 15?

unsure.

i must've dropped it.

fine bone china memories

were they mine to begin with

eyes burn

vhs tape

lukewarm tea

the ceiling is white

im tired of wet pillows

i remember them dry.

i am afraid of myself

i cling to the smell.

too much and it fades

the colour in my jacket

the music

the memories

i wish i knew her better

she had the answers

it hurt less for her in hindsight

i wish i was her.

i am sick now

the tar in my stomach churns

i throw up her words

she didn't know what she held

till it was smaller in my hands

till it was useless

she will grow up

and forget

how to be alone

after finding every part of herself

being just that

and i will grow down

and forget how to read.

Valerian Route, 2025

[whatashame97]

My name my mouth.

I pull on my teeth

drag my own name from my mouth

I hate giving any part of me away

I have been torn apart before

men in masks of vultures

ripping at the flesh of my heart and womb

I'd sooner give you the keys too my house

take what you want from there

take nothing from me I beg

I've always been like this

sitting cross legged on primary school carpet

washing the taste of myself out of my mouth

the taste got stronger

so did the drinks

until it's all gone

until the pretty girl with glitter on her eyes

asks for my name

I hand her a cigarette instead

it's probably more a part of me anyway.

I tell her I forgot.

It's only half a lie.

Valerian Route, 2025

[whatashame97]

kitchen.

the knife hits with a crack

followed by claws

followed by fingers

followed by soft kisses

i'll hook my hands around your ribs

the spaces between are tender

I'll handle you with care as i lead you to dance

careful placements

of tiles and planks

make up the map of the kitchen

following highways to fridges and stovetops

these old roads

scarred with heavy footsteps

i wonder how you carry that much

i can see you sinking

footprints in asphalt

yet we dance around each other

passing butter and spices

painting our own collision course

walking into each other's knives

the pain should destroy us

but we detonated long ago

a rubble of cars and bruised lips

before we crashed into each other

that's proof enough of the love

there is love here

not the kind you'd expect

but you never really know anything

you just measure with your heart

the same way you dance

I wish the glass didn't shatter

sometimes I feel like I'm walking on

the stems of our empty wine glasses

but I'm glad we got to taste it at all

Valerian Route, 2025

[whatashame97]

The Stars

I want you to look at the stars

look at how they shine

they are massive

with their beating hearts of fire

they create light

and heat

and warmth

and when they die

their bodies implode with a force so great

metal is forged at the centre

a light so bright as to guide towards itself.

a traveller looks to the stars to find a way home

a solider looks to the stars to direct a missile

a melancholic looks to the stars to find hope

a lover looks to the stars to find truth

I am a scientist

I look to the stars to find the stars themselves

all their beauty and their rage

they burn and they live and they dance

spinning and twirling and giving life

breathing metal air

I gaze until my eyes dissolve in the heat

blazing deadly beautiful heat.

maybe you are the stars

maybe I am watching you

a quiet confession of adoration

for something far beyond my reach.

I can study you and I can learn you

your formulas and ratios and magical lifecycles

but I am so small

you would burn me up.

stars don't look back at us

stars live in paintings and mathematics

in children's storybooks and science fiction.

you are the stars

you live in my notebook

I will reduce you to luminosity and laws

I will have killed you just to be close to you

you were meant to be in the sky

you weren't meant to look back at me

you are the stars.

Valerian Route, 2025

[whatashame97]

Tar heart love

every love I have ever held has been born of fire

tires ripping up highways slamming

metal lips and hearts and lungs

sewn together with barbed wire

we got off on the pain

made ourselves sick on it

burning lips with clumsy cigarette ashes

too young to slow down

scars of claws on our skin

had to tear ourselves apart to get away.

I've lost parts of myself

my own flesh

in the teeth of a bullet

how would I know what I felt

it ended before it reached my stomach.

But no guts no glory, right?

You have to have the guts to fall.

Fall into what?

Two cars colliding

no one around to hear it

I don't know what I heard

my own heartbeat lies to me.

I don't want the pain anymore

all this shrapnel

broken silver glass

can't be all there is

I have nothing to compare it to

it all just races by me

I'd like to slow down

take in the scenery

I drive so far

I don't know where I am anymore

If my blood cools

would it still be love?

What would I know of love.

The bruised burnt skeleton of it

taunts me from my closet.

I hang up my coat next to it.

I do my best to stay warm without it.

I'll light the cigarette in your mouth

frozen fingers on the safety of my lighter.

You know they put tar in those?

Tar is in our roads.

I wonder if you get the same thrill from driving

or just the inevitable crash.

I want them to be our roads

to breathe them in.

I drive too fast

I'll probably crash

into someone walking

at the speed I wish I could go

I'll look him in your eyes

and wonder why I couldn't stop.

The metal rips through anyway.

I don't know how to walk.

Valerian Route, 2025

[whatashame97]

What a shame.

i paint my nails

flesh grey

pitch black

i chip them getting my wallet

out of my overfilled bag

i was trying so hard

not to care about them

but i do

ill touch them up later

and they will look worse for it

i wonder if the polish dries faster on others

if they have to watch their fingers less

i wonder if they carry things differently

when they are waiting for it to dry

or if its just me

so aware if my own fragility

and inability to see

that nail polish chips anyways

im always trying to be someone im not

at least in that sense

the bright colours

they all look like blood in the shower

they run down my body

i remember washing out red hair dye

at 13

and i envisioned it coming from my wrist

not one inch of myself is how it started

i could never be happy with it

not like other people can

i wonder if they can

they probably can

they can probably

feel anything they'd like

without tripping on their tongues

i tend to say what i feel

i try not to let it eat me

it never works out

i happen to always feel strange

i wish i could love

without choking on it

without chipping it

i wish i could care

i wish i could care less

the lines of what i want

and who i am

break down in front of me

on my kitchen floor

i don't know how to help her

do i wipe her tears

or just leave her

she is a line

we are all lines

two dimensional feelings

three dimensional world

we dont fit

i choke on it again

i cant swallow myself

id like to be full

what a shame.

Valerian Route, 2025