thinking about merlin's "I'm happy to be your servant, til the day I die" and merlin's immortality.
so this is the thing.
merlin never thought to outlive arthur. he never thought he'd see arthur die, he never thought he would be the one to burn arthur's body.
merlin was always scared of losing arthur. scared he wouldnt be there to save him. scared he wouldnt be fast enough quick enough powerful enough never enough never enough never enough am I enough this time what do i do this time it's not enough.
merlin was always fast enough.
he would be there to distract the enemies, to throw them away. he would be there, working in the shadows, protecting his king, his friend, his half.
he would be there, ready to sacrifice himself.
(and there is something about merlin and arthur's talking when they have to defeat the dorocha, there is something about both of them saying goodbye, about both of them ready to throw their life away, thinking: this is when i die. and merlin always had the upper hand. and then they don't die, neither of them, and merlin wasnt enough to save a friend but was enough to save arthur, again, again.)
merlin says: im happy to be your servant til the day I die
and merlin means: id stay by your side forever, I chose you, i choose you, I'll choose you, always and forever, until the rivers run dry and the stars fall down and the earth turns into dust.
merlin says "til the day I die" and merlin means "I'd gladly die for you" and never thinks "i'll watch you die a thousand million times".
because merlin was always fast enough.
merlin always thought he'd never have to watch arthur die.
and yet.
(and yet.)
arthur is in his arms and merlin thinks, it wasnt supposed to be like this, and merlin says, you're not going to say goodbye, and arthur says, thank you, and merlin says, stay with me, and merlin says, i cant lose him.
merlin says, i've failed?
and merlin thinks, i wasnt fast enough.
and there is a lifetime of merlin running after arthur, of merlin defeating beast after beast, of merlin reaching out just in time, of merlin making it, of arthur rolling his eyes at him.
a lifetime of merlin telling arthur, "together we will defeat the dorocha", of "if I need a servant in the next life..." "...don't ask me", of "i willingly give my life for arthur's", of merlin following arthur everywhere, at his side, always at his side, and behind his back at the same time, the shadow and the light.
a lifetime of "I'm happy to be your servant til the day I die".
because merlin never thought arthur would die before him.
because merlin always thought he'd die next to arthur, side by side, in a patrol gone wrong against ancient beasts surprised by assassins in a battle in war of old age, when the bones are tired and the eyes are heavy and the hearts are full and the secrets under the sun.
(he doesn't want to be without arthur. he wont allow it.)
so merlin says, ive failed?, but the dragon says, he will raise again, and merlin just understands.
merlin knows his pledge like the back of his hand, like the pulsing of his magic, like the voice of his mother, like his name in arthur's mouth.
merlin promised to be arthur's servant.
until the day he died.
so he roams the earth and walks the fields and crosses the seas and climbs the mountains, and he tells the story of a king so just and kind, a king that was courage, a king that loved his people and that was loved, so loved.
he tells the story of the king's quests and all the knights, he weaves tales about equality and love and freedom and ideals.
he calls him, the once and future king.
and he waits, and works, and waits, and spreads the word, and watches as arthur's life lights a fire in the losts, in the wanderers.
because merlin is arthur's servant.
until the rivers run dry and the stars fall down and the earth turns into dust.
(and, when the days are just on the brighter shade of gold, merlin thinks that arthur never died, because his memory lives, and merlin will carry it on, always and forever.
arthur lives in those that trust in justice and courage and equality and freedom.
arthur lives and is reborn when the wanderer gets back home, whenever someone holds their hand out to those in need, when the weak are protected, when the right is done.
arthur lives in the eyes of those that have faith.)
(on a distant shore of a distant lake, in a time when magic is both everywhere and nowhere, in a time so far and so close, merlin says, "if only they knew you were such a dollop-head" and he smiles and he waits.)
(how many lives you touched, arthur, he thinks. how many lives your dreams have reached.)
because arthur is the once and future king and merlin is loyal servant and he won't allow arthur to die before him.
This is so beautifully sad it amazing.
This is now one of my favorite posts.
This is so beautiful and needs so much more recognition
