I should be completing my report by now but instead, I’ve been searching comfort in music, food and notifications of her, fighting thoughts of putting myself to sleep forever. i’m typing here just to put myself at ease before shifting back to the word doc.
Im so fucking tired of the dumb anxiety attacks i get and the flashflood of depressing thoughts i get in the most inconvenient time. well, no time is ever convenient for that. but you know, at least not when im supposed to get a submission done by tmr.
right now, i feel a wall inside me that stops me from being productive. its this heavy weight in my chest and all i been wanting to do is cry but i dont and that just hurt my head. i dont understand, why am i like this and why i feel all these things and why i have all these thoughts when really, my life right now seems to be in place.
i have a very loving, supportive family.
i have the most caring and understanding mother.
i have friends that cares.
i have the most amazing, most beautiful partner that loves me the way i never thought anyone could ever love me.
i have a job, means, i have money.
i have a job that i love, actually.
im studying something i love and not needing to pay any shit for that.
i have a place i can call home.
i have people that loves me, supports me and cares for me.
dude, i have almost everything.
its not that im not happy. in fact, i think ive been the happiest ever!
its like my heart, my mind, my body and my soul arent coordinating well. at all.
have you ever been so happy but so sad at the same time?
cause most of the time, thats me.
its like i feel so happy and free and i sit down and stare over something and realise how im actually.. really.. really sad and just wanna put myself to sleep forever. then i think about her face, or my mom’s face and i rmb why i dont want to do that. i want a tomorrow.
but you know, it always. always. cross my mind. and i hate it. why do i wanna die so much when i have almost everything in life right now..
right now, im also really pretty fucking deeply in love with this girl and i swear to god she makes me feel amazing. and its crazy. and i get so fucking happy man.. so fucking happy that i just keep wanting to cry about it??? like wtf is wrong with me? i get so emotional and i just wanna cry just to release everything that i held back. and it really isnt sadness or anything negative sometimes i cry like a fucking sad hippo because im so fucking happy? but it still hurts my chest trying to hold back happy tears too you know?? it fucking sucks dude idk whats wrong with me. can i just be happy without feeling any sort of pain or discomfort. i want to be okay for more than just a day.
im starting to sound high now. i shall stop typing here and get back to work. i just... miss talking to her. her phone probably died or she is probably busy at work but i get so uneasy, its fucking dumb. lol anyway. if anyone ever reads this, sorry i wasted your precious time on these. i just needed a space to release my nonsensical feelings and thoughts out. but also thanks for reading, i guess? idk why youre reading this but lol hi. ok so idek if i will ever make sense out of myself. i just hope i wont give in to my dumb thoughts, its scary how i have no control of it sometimes. now i just hope i can complete my report before its due time.
