My trans-journey

Name: ??? Pronouns: He/They Gender: Dramatic Bitch Sexuality: Abscent Age: 31 Just a blog for whining about all personal transperson-business

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes I think about transitioning and I hesitate

Not because I want to be stuck in this female shell, but because I’m used to the horrors of wearing it. I’m used to it, and I know (approximately, it finds new ways to confuse me sometimes) what to expect from it

I don’t know what will happen if I start transitioning. Don’t know how it will feel, how my body will react, how my body will change. And that scares me

When I talk to people I have to act confident about this. Because I don’t want to hear “Have considered that maybe you’re just faking for attention” because I have. I battle with that every now and then. So I stand tall and my voice doesn’t waver and I look people straight in the eyes and talk about changing my name and transitioning and things I’ll need to learn. And the back of my mind is yelling at me. Because yeah maybe being stuck in a female shell feels wrong but it’s what we are. It’s what we were born as. And I tremble inside. I hesitate. But I keep my back straight and don’t let it show.

Because if I hesitate I’m not trans enough

[toothmuncher3000]

some things I wish someone had told me about dysphoria and being trans:

1. sometimes it just feels like apathy. you look at your body and you’re like ‘meh’, or if you look at yourself in the mirror it looks like someone else

2. you can be ok with some parts of your AGAB and still have dysphoria. some ppl hate their genitals but are ok with their chest, some are the other way around, some people hate everything but how tall they are, etc.

3. wanting to be another gender is a symptom of being another gender.

4. if you find yourself overanalyzing and questioning whether or not you “look like (assigned gender)” or “how do people of (assigned gender) act?”, maybe the shoe doesn’t fit.

5. chase the happy feelings. if you feel happy and good about yourself when you bind or tuck, when you change your name, how you choose to dress yourself… those are all little clues. all the happy feelings are meant to lead you to your best self. experiment, play, and try new things. even if you’re not sure it’s right, at least you’ll know because you tried.

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes my brain goes “Man, I’m glad I’m not a woman, I would never survive having a period” and then half a second later reality comes crashing down

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Is it weird if I take my father’s name in second name?

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Me: casually writing

My brain: your handwriting is too feminine

Me: existential dread and genderfeels

[ftm-positivity]

to my trans brothers who are feeling down today

[thinkhappierthoughts]

If you’re transmasculine, comment/reblog with the characters that you were super obsessed with and pretended to be as a kid (and maybe some stories abt that?)

For me it was/still is: Iron Man, Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, Ethan Hunt, and Robin Hood

[eat-moar-veggis-deactivated2021]

i pretended to be natt wolff, peter pan and when twilight came out i wanted to be a werewolf

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Wolverine, Cyclops and Iceman from X-men (mostly in daydreams, I didn’t have any friends to play X-men with. And YES I like Cyclops, fite me). Nightcrawler when I got a little older.

Matt, Davis, Ken from Digimon (when playing pretend with my friend I was almost always one of these. She lowkey forced me to be Kari once for the drama and it was The Worst Ever and luckily didn’t happen again)

Robin Hood (also in daydreams because what is friends even)

Robin from Batman because he was great.

I tried being obsessed with and pretending to be Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter but those never stuck (I think they were too non-problematic or something????)

I actually was Matt when another friend and I played riding school as well (they were not obsessed with digimon though so they didn’t know who he was. Good times)

As an adult it still is Matt because digimon was such a huge part of my identity I am unable to let go of it, but most of the time I’m TonyStark/Iron Man or Emil Västerström from Stand Still Stay Silent in my daydreams instead.

Don’t really have any stories to tell about it???

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Getting my period didn’t use to be so bad. Of course it’s frustrating and uncomfortable and sometimes painful, but it never meant anything in regards to my gender. I wasn’t a woman, I was just someone who happens to get a period because I was cursed with a uterus.

It wasn’t dysphoric, not enough so that I noticed it.

And the pads i used, the packaging for them were BLUE and the only decoration was DOTS

but then...

then they changed the packaging and now they’re just covered all over with the sign for female and

and every time I have to change and I see that I just... I don’t break down but I bloody want to. Every time I see it I want to die a little.

Because that sign says I am no longer a person who is cursed with a uterus and have a period because of that

That sign says that I’m a woman. If I use that product I’m a WOMAN who is just WAITING to get PREGNANT

so anyway I finally used the last pad I had of that brand so I guess I’ll... switch to the brand with pink flowery decorations instead. And hope that’ll help.

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Sometimes I’m slam dunked into awareness of my body and that’s when my dysphoria mostly sets in. And it’s super weird because it’s not like I’m unaware of my body normally. I know exactly where it is, how it looks and how it behaves.

It’s like... I’m aware of it, but I somehow don’t have a connection to it. I can’t explain it. and then I catch my reflection and am slam dunked into that connection and my body is wrong.

My arms brush against my boobs and i’m slam dunked into that connection and my body is wrong.

someone calls me a girl and I’m slam dunked into that awareness and my body is wrong.

It always catches me unprepared and I don’t know what to do about it.

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m not trans enough

because as a kid i wanted to become a vampire and not a werewolf

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m not trans enough

because I think blue cars look nicer than black cars

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

So we played that game I talked about at work today (yesterday, it’s tomorrow in Sweden) and I didn’t get a question about secrets but I did get “Tell us about something new you’d like to do”

And I could have answered “learn signlanguage” or “play saxophone” or something, but I’m a Dramatic Bitch so I just went

“Transition to man”

One of my workmates reaction to that was hissing out “faggot” and honestly I know that’s a slur but it felt... nice? Can’t explain it. I wanted to answer “yes but no, I’m asexual” but the kindaboss went “there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual” before I could say anything.

So anyway I guess I came out at work. Not sure if anything’s gonna change but there we have it.

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

My friend going “I can’t see you as man yet because you still look like a woman” (paraphrasing) would probably have been less disappointed if she hadn’t talked so much about how easy it would be for her to see her hypothetical son as her daughter if he ever came out to he as trans. (I specify son instead of kid because she never said the same about her hypothetical daughter)

I guess this is easy in theory but harder in practice? I’ve never had trouble with it but I’ve always... I dunno how to explain it... had trouble understanding the importance of this?

Maybe the reason I’m having such trouble with my gender is because I know the importance of gender to everyone else and I don’t share that? Anyway I’ve decided to just make a decision about this already so I can stop worrying about it so I’m definately a man now.

Still need to cut my hair though. That was apparently Very Important according to my friend because if you are a transman you have to have your hair cut short.

(I’m slightly disappointed in how she in theory is always “abandon gender roles!” but once she’s faced with the reality it’s a lot harder for her)

(I mean I do want to cut my hair but still)

I love her, but sometimes it’s hard ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I’m trans enough

Because sometimes men go out of the way for me when we meet on the sidewalk

And I don’t even have to do the murderstrut for that to happen

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Anyway at work tomorrow we’re gonna play something called “Känslokort” (feelings cards), which are cards with very personal questions that you have to answer and I really hope I get something like “what’s your biggest secret” so I can just slam them all down with “Oh I’m a transdude and I have no idea how to come out to my workmates or my family. Oh shit I just did one of those didn’t I?”

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

I don’t know my gender

I’ve said it before but it’s on my mind again now.

I don’t know my gender. I only know I’m not female. I feel masc-alligned, but it’s still hard to see me as a man. I’m not sure if I’m non-binary. I could be. One can be masculine alligned nonbinary right?

But at the same time that also doesn’t feel... right? But what if it doesn’t feel right because I just don’t have enough knowledge? It’s also... I lack the Swedish vocabulary for that. most swedish resourses have just been about transwomen and transmen.

I’m afab but I’m not a female. Not a woman. I’m a person. My actual gender? So confused. And I can’t... I don’t have anyone IRL to talk with this about and I don’t know how to talk about it??? My therapists only know the binary and my friend I’ve come out to only know the binary

I’ll figure it out, somehow. It’s just hard because everyone keeps calling me female words, I keep calling myself female words. I’ve done it for 30 years to fit in, I’m used to it.

My friend told me today that “Since you still *gesture at me* I can’t see you as man” and I’m just... glad I’m her token trans-friend because if she had said that to anyone else they would probably have been hurt. I just laughed and went “yeah it’s hard for me too and especially since I have been attempting to be female most of my life” (for certain values of female)

(I mean it still hurt but)

Anyway I don’t know my gender. I only know it’s masculine alligned. Am I a man? I’m not sure. And I will never be a man the same way someone born a man (different upbringings, and it’s really hard to reprogram me because my programming is a mess). So does it even matter? Like I still want top-surgery and the T and the beard but

(maybe I’ll regret the beard later but hnnn I’ve always wanted to grow a beard)

Yeah I dunno. I do get happy being called male-words so...

[whiningaboutbeingtrans]

Not sure if I have whined about this here but the number one suggestion people give for trying out a new name is

- Go to Starbucks and use it when placing your order

Which admittedly, good suggestion, if it weren’t for

1) We don’t have Starbucks. I think I might have seen one but I could just be confusing it with something else

2) We do have espresso house which is kinda the same thing but

2b) they call out your actual order instead of your name so it wouldn’t work anyway.

I honestly don’t know any place that calls out your name when your order is done here. You either get a number or they call your order. Good suggestion but doesn’t work very well around here.

So yeah, I have no idea how to go about trying out my new name