whispersofpri

wicked basket of rueful thoughts...

[whispersofpri]

Certain parts of me withered at the hands of fate,

my misery bled and so did I;

yet joy that knows no bound clung to my sorry self.

i would hold it by the throat ready to snap it' in half

but what in the ever loving world

would ever remain of me, if not glee?

So , no qualms about what withered away

and nor about why,

for the sparkle in my ever glittering

world remained the same :)

[whispersofpri]

There is longing in the way I look at the empty bench beside mine as if I’ve lost my home ever since you left. You bring out the silly child in me, making her feel like she truly belongs somewhere, but now that you are gone, she feels lost in an endless sea of people whispering and bickering. Everything is so loud, so deafening, all their voices nothing but a chorus of nonsense to my ears, for they are not you and not that they ever could be.  

Please come back…soon.

Note: Just crashing out because my best friend is on a leave for a week and will not coming to school.

[whispersofpri]

Actually I think I am an ungrateful child because no matter what my parents do for me, my clock is still stuck at all those instances when they made me feel unwanted, invisible, or because of which now I flinch at slightest raise of voice, sudden noises or movements.

It's not like I intentionally sit one day and recall it all. It just so happens that everything is usual and I'm just searching for something I need and are unable to do so. Suddenly mum comes and asks me about what I'm searching so she could help me find it but my first instinct is to tell her, "No, I-II am not searching for anything. G-Go chill, I'm fine." The instinct is refuse, to not inconvenience her and I then think why am I panicking? Why am I so scared? And it dawns upon me that I'm scared that if she fails to find what I am searching then who knows how long till she directs that frustration towards me? it's like I'm waiting for an explosion to happen that I think is inevitable. Funny, no?

[professor-winter]

ᴀ ɴɪɢʜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴꜱᴘɪʀᴇ

[whispersofpri]

[whispersofpri]

You left yet there is so much of you left in me that some days when I look into the mirror, I fail to recognize whether it is you or me.

[whispersofpri]

"She's either a madwoman or a poet."

What if she's both?

[whispersofpri]

I want more than what they call love these days. I want the lingering eyes, soft smiles, and little gestures of affection. I want to see the world in their arms. I want to be on their mind 24/7 and them to be on mine. i want to experience the love like they do in romance movies and books. Holding of doors, wiping of tears, sitting by the lake, and endless talks. All of it wrapped with eyes that look only for me even in huge crowds. Walking side by side as our hands threaten to touch, knowing smiles on our lips, and a glint of mischief in our eyes. i want everything they have to offer - the joys as well as the scars, the tears as well as the stars. I want a love that knows no bounds.

i want a love that haunts every bad dream. i want a lover like all the others. The sweet, the shy, the bold, the brave. Every shade of him I will hold if only he gives me a chance.

[whispersofpri]

Only if you could hear the voices in my head, how heavy all of it weighs on me, how crazy it makes me go, and how stupid I sometimes feel. What is it about me that makes me so repulsive? A little crazy, a little unhinged? Is that what I am? Maybe, I could be. 

How come I draw lines that I blur by my own two feet? When did I become this pathetic? Have I always been so? Maybe, I could be. Do I wish to erase this part of me? Do I truly do? Maybe. Haven’t I survived enough to be tormented more or is there something more I haven’t encountered yet? 

I wish it would all end…soon. I’m not the same and I change every other day. The questions bother me so much, and everything seems so negative as soon as I open the books. Is that how it’s always going to be from now? I wish not.

[whispersofpri]

I would hide you in my ribcage if I could.

[whispersofpri]

Sometimes I sit by myself and wonder how come a 20/20 on one test isn't as valuable as the 5 I lost on another or the 15/20 I scored on the same test? Sometimes it just doesn't make any sense to me that why was I made to feel ashamed for the 5 I lost when i said, "I know i can do better and I will try my best to, but I'm proud of myself for the 15 I got." How was that 5 more valuable than the 15 I earned? Every now and then this thought messes with my brain.

[whispersofpri]

imagine being slut shamed by your own mama because you wore shorts a lil too short, a skirt a lil above your knees, a top a lil too tight or a neckline lil too deep because apparently some men can't control their eyes, intent, or actions even if its just a 16 years old. Funny isn't it?

[whispersofpri]

So tell me when was the first time you thought I wasn't enough anymore? Was it when I told you my lore? Or the one time I hesitated when you told me to enter the store? Was it when I questioned so much, it rattled your core? Or was it when you told me you guys were just friends and I said I couldn't handle it no more?

[whispersofpri]

Should I or should I not get married?

Mama says I should aspire to be a housewife like her, because she thinks that's the best job in the world, that I should get married and settle down in my early twenties because what more could a woman dream of? She thinks I should study just enough so as to tick one of the checkboxes of the requirement list of being chosen to be married, to study just enough to not talk back, to not learn to form opinions of self, to not grow enough courage and steel in my spine to question the oppressive patriarchal structure of the society.

But my question is why? Why should I get married if the family, the man I would be marrying won't make my life any better than it already is or won't even let it be how it already is? When all that's expected of me would be to cook, to clean, to sacrifice, to listen, to obey, to give him children, to give him his heirs to continue his and his family's goddamned legacy. What about my dreams, my aspirations, my desires, my passion, my goals, my free will to just live a life that's my own. Why should I have to jeopardize my legacy? So he could live his picket fence dream, so his family could have somebody to blame for everything wrong that happens in their house from the moment she crosses the threshold? And yes it's their house, their lovely home because she comes from a different family when it comes to rights but when it's about duty or responsibility? Oh boy, see how quick they change sides!

[whispersofpri]

The moon glowers at me as I shed tears of longing wishing to hold you close one last time. What was it that we had? A flicker of hope or a painful memory for lifetime. Was it ever really real or a bubble of my usually unusual fantasy? 

[whispersofpri]

I know you feel like crying, like giving up and jumping off the wall but we both know that’s not all. I feel you, see you beyond the raised voices, snaps, flinches. I see the real you. I know you remember the cruel night, locked out of your own house but was it ever really yours? Well, the hurt cuts deep for the answer to that question has always been crystal clear. 

The sun had just set, darkness spreading it’s claws as you sat on the threshold of your house, banging the door, crying, pleading to please let you in, to never touch any of your glass trophies again. A trophy, right? That was what it was all about. A glass trophy accidentally slipping through your tiny fingers and shattering the illusion of love and safety from your life so young. The darkness always scares you, right? She knew that, of course she did, yet the trophy was worth more than the little scared you in her eyes. A little toddler out in the dark with just a porch light to keep her accompanied and the threat of snakes making an appearance, oh what a tragedy! The little her braved her heart, the survival instincts kicking in, and made her way through the bushes in darkness to her friend’s house where she hoped to find shelter and shelter she did find in a house so foreign yet so familiar. 

I’ve seen you surviving so your anger, you snapping now makes sense to me. It’s nothing but the bottled up emotions resurfacing that never got a safe outlet in the past. 

[whispersofpri]

Why was it that my laugh echoed in a room full of people but yours was joined by other’s? Why was my giggles the snort of a pig and yours the chirruping of a nightingale? Why was my excitement the act of attention seeking but yours a genuine feeling? Why was the emotions of the friend group to be navigated by your moods and everybody else’s insignificant? Why was I the naïve and you the mighty one? How were your traumas enough of an excuse to hurt my kind will? What was so special about you that topped the beautiful heart of others? Why was me being skinny a tale to be joked about when neither your heart nor your muscles were bigger than mine?

I hate you for all the times you tried to dim the light within me. I hate you for all your ugliness you tried to smear us all with. I hate you for all the times you made me feel bad about laughing on a joke you didn’t find funny or when you made fun of the way I got excited about things that mattered to me. You think you are mighty and all that but may the Almighty one day show you the mirror with your true reflection in it, may you realise that dimming other people’s light won’t set aflame yours. 

Though I share your traumas but I never let the sun in my sky set. I made it my strength and it gave me a purpose – to never let people around me even dip their leg in the lake of sorrow and loneliness that engulfed me. I choose to be a dreamer, to still see good in people, to believe in magic of kindness but your unruly behaviour assaults corners of my mind which fail to understand the ugliness you carry and try to spread all around you. 

Tell me, is your sky always going to be gloomy? Are the dark clouds never going to disappear? Are you always going to try to blanket the light of others due to your bitter experiences? Tell me, is the sun never going to shine in your cloudy sky? Tell me, what is it all really worth?