My body knew I had an eating disorder before I did.
The funny thing about the body is: it knows all that its happening to you before you even know it yourself. One day you seem completely fine and happy. You just had a good day at work, at school, maybe just a lazy day that made it all worth it, but still you have feelings coming towards you all the time that you can’t explain. You say then “Oh, maybe I have a flu”, “I guess its just that time of the month”, “This must mean I need some rest”. But no, your body and mind have already understood all the feelings your heart holds, without even telling you, and if they could talk they would scream: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP WORRYING! I’M FINE, PLEASE JUST TAKE CARE OF YOU!”
You wouldn’t listen to your body, you don’t listen to your body, because what does the body knows? Your mom said you’re probably just stressed about work, your doctor gave you some pills for the flu, you bought yourself medication for the cramps, and now you have... An eating disorder. How did your body did not tell you that? Working all its magic and its different organs, your body was not capable of sharing with you this little detail about yourself, why did your body do that to you?
That’s when it gets complicated, because your body did tell you something was about to happen, that you have within yourself all these feelings that you have never thought of, or that had disappeared for a while. Your body did tell you through your head, nerves, mouth, and speaking.
Every time you ate something, you felt sick, but it was not a sick enough to go throw up or feel disgusted, it was just a little turning in your belly. Until it became more.
When you went through pictures of people that you thought were “goals”, and just for that split second you hesitated into liking it, but you just had to shake your head and say “she is gorgeous”. Until, you stopped liking.
If your friends invited you for dinner, you would share your food as much as possible, because you were not that hungry. Until you were not hungry at all.
You went to the toilet, and you had to fix your toothbrush on the sink, just place somewhere closer to... i don’t know, it just does not fit in this old place. Until you decided that its perfect place was next to the toilet seat.
When you “forgot” to eat, because you had so much work. Until there was no work, and you still didn’t eat.
No, your body did not throw a party in your head, had cake for lunch, just to tell you: WAKE UP! Do not let yourself do that to you!
But it did give you little signs, signs that could have been changed, but you let it slip away, until... until.
And that is the funny thing about the body... It continues. It adapts. It transforms. And it’s all because of you, and if your eating disorders are linked to your body, then you’re saying that your body its not doing its job when your heart is beating, when blood is inside you, when you hurt yourself it heals. You’re saying that the most beautiful job that your body has ever done, keeping you alive, its useless.
Because in the end, I know people with different types of body that have different perspectives. Some of them feel confident and some others don’t. Some feel healthy and some others don’t. Some want to change and some others don’t. But they all have one thing in common: you control it. And that is why you feel the power to use it all up, to want the big change to come, faster and faster, because if it is not fast enough... It won’t be enough.
And I also know stories, of people wanting to change, and all they did was: take their time. They felt confident enough to pursue their lives as it is, but they needed that boost. Some of them decided to eat healthier, others to do more sports, to sleep more at night, to give themselves a little treat when needed, to eat more, to love themselves in every step of the way.
No, i’m not saying it is not alright to want to feel more confident, healthier, and all the words humanity has created. I’m saying it is alright and completely fine... if you take your time. If you let your body adjust. Let the body do the transition, and all you have to give it is a little push to start going forward. What you want to put inside your body is up to you, and nobody should make you any less confident of doing that. But you will feel less confident if you use your body just to hurt yourself.
Because I don’t know you, but you bet I know a lot of people.
All of those that have suffered eating disorders, they were not happier than before because they never felt confident, so they would never feel confident in any change they had.
But damn... I know a lot of people that instead have loved their body every step of the way, have felt confident with every single bit, and have achieved what they wanted. And you can bet, they are all happier than they were ever before.
After all, what makes me sad is,
I do not want to live in a world that you think that your body is not made of great things.
With love,
Wolf.