Imagine if you will, Mike opening up to Jonathan:
CW: Angst, self hatred, slight references to internalized homophobia
Jonathan hasn’t taken a picture of Mike in almost two years.
Not because he doesn’t want to, he does want to take a picture of him. He used to take so many pictures of Will and Mike, and when Mike got focused on his DND planning he was a good model for contemplation.
But, the reason he hasn’t is because every time he lifts the camera and sees through the square….
He doesn’t see Mike, not like he really is. He sees someone pulling at their edges until they’re folded. Smaller and more ‘acceptable’.
He sees someone not like Mike at all, the real Mike has decided to hide somewhere and left a cardboard cutout he thinks people will accept.
He doesn’t know what to do to get the real one back, it isn’t a situation where you can just go looking. So he’s there with the cardboard, and he acts like that is Mike.
He sees the real Mike again on a fall day, always fall Its always fall, in the bunker. It’s almost over, Vecna only has one active portal left and it’s Chrissy’s.
Mike was leaning against the wall, reading over something that Jonathan thinks he wrote himself. He takes a pencil out and then Jonathan knows he did.
He writes something, and then writes it again. And then he seems to get frustrated and write over it, his face twitching harshly. Jonathan reaches a hand out to his shoulder and starts to ask what’s wrong-
“Is not telling someone something still a lie if they never ask?” Mike sighed, one hand clenched around the pencil and one around the book.
Jonathan blinked, and ran a hand through his hair in thought. Oh wow, that’s more complicated then he thought….
“What’s the context?” Jonathan asked, scooting till he sat more in front of Mike. “Like is the person lying about something that happened but they never said anything?”
“No, no it’s more like it’s something about the character they never told the person” Mike clarified and Jonathan nodded. Oooh.
“Well, then that’s not really a lie if it’s personal” Jonathan started, waving. Mike nodded to show it was personal. “It just depends really on how personal it is, you don’t need to know everything about a person and it’s not a lie if you don’t. It’s just something they haven’t told you yet”
“Hm” Mike made a brief humming sound, and took his eraser to the book. “So it’s not…they’re not a liar?”
“Not a liar” Jonathan shook his head, finding he wanted to erase the slight shaking in Mike’s tone. “You know there’s stuff about me I haven’t told you, personal stuff and it doesn’t mean I’m lying to you it just means it’s personal to me”
“Yeah” Mike said, nodding before his eyes went a bit distant. Jonathan worriedly put his hand back on Mike’s shoulder. “What if it is something the person wants to tell someone, and they haven’t yet?”
Jonathan is beginning to think they’re not talking about Mike’s character here.
“Well that’s that’s one of two things” Jonathan started, Mike’s eyes drifted to him. “Either it’s bad timing, or it’s really personal and they’re scared. And that’s not lying, if you’re scared you’re scared”
If Mike had anything to say about the transition from they to you he didn’t react to it. He just nodded.
And looked back down at his book, before Jonathan could say anything else he handed Jonathan the book.
Jonathan’s eyebrows hit his hairline as he carefully read, because as far as he knew no one had been given permission to read Mike’s stuff-
‘And you haven’t yet peeled back my skin, much like everyone who has turned away from me. You haven’t seen the severed nerves that have given way to rot, you have not seen the terror that acts as filling for my bones. You are not disgusted by me yet, and if miraculously you never are I forever will. Walking in skin that so clearly hides something wrong’
Jonathan thinks he mouths that as he thumbs over the dialogue, the character is telling this to someone they love. Because they think they’ll hate what they see if they see the real….
Jonathan looked up at Mike, his eyes glassy. Mike had his knees to his chest. And his chin on them as he watches Jonathan read.
“He hates himself, that’s what he hasn’t told anyone” Jonathan said, and Mike nodded.
“No one but Rosfen” Mike breathed, hand going into his hair. “So is…is he still not a liar-“
“He’s in pain” Jonathan cut off, and Mike’s eyes shrunk. “That’s not lying Mike, that’s being in pain”
“Oh” Mike breathed, and there it was. He came back out with the wetting of Mike’s eyes and the way he seemed to slump in Jonathan’s direction.
There was Mike, putting the cardboard cutout away. Folding it up and neatly setting it in the closet in case he needed it again. Jonathan hopes he never brings it out again as he moved his hand around Mike’s shoulders. Bringing him into his side and hugging him.
“You’re not a liar” Jonathan whispered, and felt Mike’s shoulders begin to shake. “You never lied about this”
He never said it in words, but Jonathan could shake himself because Mike had told the whole world he hated himself with his actions. Folding corners.
“I-I did about other stuff though” Mike wheezed, head ducked into Jonathan’s shoulder. He held back a sob when Jonathan’s had went to his head. Cradling it.
When was the last time he let someone hug him when he cried.
“We all lie sometimes Mike” Jonathan whispered. “And a lot of times we lie because we’re afraid, and that fear can just choke the truth out of you. So have some grace for yourself, you’re not a liar. You’re just someone whose afraid to tell the truth sometimes”
Mike couldn’t hold back a sob that time, and when Jonathan shifted to fully bring him into a hug Mike clenched at the back of his shirt. His book slid to the floor.
It was ten minutes of crying, Jonathan was so worried that this was the first time Mike had cried in years, before Mike’s face was back. He pulled away to scrub at it, and Jonathan left a hand on his shoulder.
“I won’t see rot in you” Jonathan promised quietly, and Mike settled shaky black eyes on him. “All I see is you”
“And that’s not wrong?” Mike whispered back, the meaning clear.
‘You know me, and you don’t think I’m wrong?’
Sometimes Jonathan wants to punch Ted Wheeler’s dim lights out.
“You’re not wrong Mike” Jonathan said, deja vu creeping up on him. “You’re not and nothing about you can make me think that”
Mike’s face twitched, his lips going slightly upwards. And if Jonathan had his camera he could take a picture now.
“Then I have something to tell you later” Mike promised, head jerking to the clock. They all had a meeting with Owens in half an hour. “I-if that’s okay?”
Jonathan’s eyes softened.
He has a feeling that when he does, say what he wants to say, and Jonathan can tell him everything is okay. That’s he’s okay, that he’s not wrong and Jonathan isn’t turning away from him.
That he’ll have a smile on his face, a real Mike smile like he used to do.
