She listens — that, at least, she can do. Knows how to be quiet, even if only to protect herself — without words but not without reactions. Her eyes narrow, teeth grinding; how dare ANYONE hurt him? Let alone his Master. Thinking that KILLING VENTUS WAS THE HAPPY ENDING…THAT HE MADE VENTUS THINK THAT HE HAD TO DIE. That’s wrong. That’s too close to her story and he doesn’t deserve that kind of hurt. Xion’s nothing / a doll / an empty space / but HE’S REAL. He’s good. It isn’t right that he ————
Terra and Aqua forgave him, he says. Her teeth grind further. Terra and Aqua accepted his apology. It doesn’t make them bad, he says. Her eyes squeeze shut. That’s okay, he says.
She isn’t sure when she stood up — when her hands turned to fists at her side and when she started crying. But she can’t breathe and she stares at him and she’s so angry, angry for him and for herself and FURIOUS AT TERRA AND AQUA and not ALLOWED to be angry at the ones who are real. But how —— how could they ———
Her hands press to her face; the heels of her palms dig into her eyesockets until they burn. “It’s not okay! How can you say that?!” Xion’s not allowed to be angry and she’s not allowed to be selfish and this is bad she’s bad she’s so bad they might hurt her for this they might kill her for this but she can’t she can’t THIS CAN’T BE RIGHT. “I don’t understand —” It’s a low, miserable sob.
“Doesn’t it make you angry? Don’t you — don’t you feel like, like — like if they really loved you, that hurting you would BE ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM HATE HIM?”
She’s crying and she’s furious and he deserves better and she deserves better and it’s too much. It’s too much. HOW MUCH HURT DOES SHE HAVE TO SUFFER BEFORE IT’S UNFORGIVABLE? HOW MUCH CAN OTHERS HURT HER AND HER FRIENDS PRETEND THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER? HOW MUCH DOES SHE MEAN TO THEM IF IT’S THAT EASY TO LOVE THE THING THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED HER ——
She bites back another sob, hands leaving her face to throw out beside her. It’s selfish but she’s angry and she’s tired of being selfless and she’s tired of HIM HAVING TO BE SELFLESS. “How EXPENDABLE are we? How come hurting us DOESN’T MATTER TO THEM?” Her voice breaks; it’s a shrill, furious shout : “HOW CAN HE FORGIVE HIM WHEN HE CALLED ME ‘IT’?!”
Her hands fall to her side — she slumps, exhausted, as though all the energy’s left her with the sound of that single, stupid word. She sobs and she aches and guilt floods her, mixes with the anger, makes her feel sick. She made it about her. She dared to be angry at Terra and Aqua and Lea. She…
She’s bad. This is the proof : Ventus can forgive, and allow others to. Xion can’t be anything but selfish.
she stood up, & he wasn’t sure what to expect at first. but, then he saw her narrowed gaze, her clenched fists, & before long there were TEARS streaming down her face, & he couldn’t help the way his mouth fell slightly agape & his posture shifted. he tried to backpedal, tried to figure out just what he said that would have upset her so ( had he explained something incorrectly? had he offended her in some way? he had done something wrong but he didn’t know what––––he didn’t know what ).
he jumped at her exclamation ( a rather undignified shout of surprise leaving him ), back hitting the wall uncomfortably but not enough to bruise. he hissed, but didn’t take his eyes off of XION, shocked by her sudden anger–––– only, he had a feeling it wasn’t sudden at all. it had been sitting there, growing along with the sadness & confusion but without an outlet. & HERE IT WAS now.
❝ hey, don’t––––. ❞ but, her hands were already pressed against her eyes, her voice drowning his out, & suddenly there are far too many question. & they’re not easy. they feel like the questions that terra had asked when he first arrived, questions he should have an answer to, & he wanted nothing more than to hold his head & SCREAM.
he had no answer. he didn’t know how he could say that. it was how he felt, it was how they felt, & that was okay ( that was okay, that was okay, that was OKAY ).
❝ no, i don’t––––. ❞ on thought switched to the next, his throat constricting with TEARS that he wanted to shed.❝ terra & aqua love me––––. ❞
& then, all of a sudden, he was ANGRY too. he wanted to tell her that wasn’t fair. she hadn’t been there. she hadn’t been there for the uncertainty & the fear, but she also hadn’t been there for the happiness & the love & the smiles. & he came so, so close to standing up ad yelling himself––––.
& he watched her slump instead, realizing that this had never been about him & eraqus at all. it had still HURT to hear, he was still upset. but, suddenly, he didn’t feel like yelling anymore.
his first instinct was to hug her, but he knew she didn’t like that, he didn’t want to make things WORSE, & so his arms retreated. but, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to HELP.
it felt like chasing after terra ALL OVER AGAIN.
