Personal Log, stardate...erm....computer, auto-insert stardate. Ensign Wil Lyra of the Starship Excalibur. Secure encryption, please. Aah, that's paranoid of me, innit? I dunno. Unencrypt. No wait. Err. Passcode security enabled. There. [A U T H E N T I C A T E. P A S S W O R D.] Password: ....Rylie. R-Y-L-I-E. [P A S S W O R D E N A B L E D.] ...Well. It's been months. Months? Yeah, I s'pose it has. It doesn't feel like it. That is, it feels like an eternity, but also...not long enough. I still have nightmares. I don't know why. The holosuites have been fine since. Life is so good right now. So beautifully, powerfully good. I mean, I've got the girl of my dreams. I've got the best...boyfriend a man could ask for, too. Never saw that one coming, but it's tops. You know, a cat. A job I enjoy. I've...I've got it all, really. But how long can it possibly last? How good can things be before they're...not? I'm terrified. Honestly. I keep thinking about the holosuites, and how I almost....lost everything. How I almost lost her. And that was before I even had her to lose. But I was so close to ki-- Well. I feel awful. It seems everything I do lately is just not quite good enough. I'm always thirty seconds late or half a beat too slow or a shade under par. And it worries me. I have so much, more than I've had since....since home. And it means I have so much more to lose. This...this relationship, it's hard. I don't know what I'm doing and I worry whatever it is, it's not enough. I love them both, truly, I do, but I don't know how I fit into it all. Lou is just aces, she's perfect in all the ways she doesn't know, and she lights up this ship and every corner of my life and every crevice of my mind that has been dark since the day Rylie died, and Kaan is...well he's brilliant. I still don't understand what he sees in me or why he needs me around. And I don't know how to be enough for either of them to deserve, but to be someone good enough for them both, that's...that's.... That's daunting. ... ... The botany department had chrysanthemums today. Well, sort of. They look almost like chrysanthemums. But they glow a bit, and they purr when you touch them. Luke winked when he handed then to me, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable, to be honest...but they're pretty. I thought they might brighten up the place a bit. ..... ....mm. End transmission.