I think we've begun this process of... getting back in touch with myself (back to the singular, yes). Back in touch with myself.... in terms of creativity, curiousity, art.
Was reminded of friends and the way we consumed art (shows, movies, books, sometimes actual art) and talked about it. The expansion of thought. That realm. And I miss it, in a way, in a very different way. More like.. it's a part of me and despite how I've gotten rid of so many many things over the last few years (loss, letting go)... this is clearly a part of me and I have spent time pushing it away, because I've pushed myself away from friendships because they have hurt (and oh, how they have hurt). But yeah, this is a part of me, and this was a part of me that I discovered, found and almost practised in friendships.
The "monetizing" of all the things you do in your free time, the crazed this and that of the internet and social media... Yeah, imma take a step back from that - as in letting it go, completely, like yes, it annoyed me to no ends but that's not something I can control so I'll let it go and engage with the realm of art and creativity in a way that is meaningful to me.
And a way that is meaningful to me, is first and foremost, how you are or will be moved by art. That's just what it does. You respond to it, you feel things. How open you are to it, is a personal thing perhaps.
And I feel like I lost my way... in how I engage with the world. Boxed in by the way work defined my life and my own struggle to live and survive - but in ways that weren't the most helpful for me.
This is a rebirth and it is a rebirth in a big way. In that world, people would talk snootily about how it's a privilege to be able to have such a thing. (I have a response to that, but) In this world, I have a rebirth and simply let go of the fucking shit. I have a rebirth and I can breathe freely. I have a rebirth and focus on me.
There is a softening toward myself. Compassion for myself. I can now perhaps better recognize the world I grew up in. It was so restrictive and repressive but I was still me. It was real interesting to hear about... music to me was an outlet for all my anger and feelings of misgiving. And that, I think was the only healthy outlet in a space where it was like I was simply not allowed to feel anger.
Going over childhood, teenage friendships.. and sorting through it to find elements of myself I like there. And it's a delicate process, because there were my own secret hopes and dreams. That dare not be spoken out in the "real" world. I grew up in a way in the safety of my friends. And they meant a lot to me simply for that.
But I discovered just that was not enough.. to bring it forth, to bring it to life, to do something about it. And in that way I did kinda give up on friendship - but it was never meant to be, and nor could it ever be the cure for my life. You know? My life being the only was I could refer to so many things without having the language or knowledge (validation, in actuality) to be able to speak it out and spell it out for what it is/was.
amandla
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
origamiaround
