Itās too much for me to hide that I love you.
Too much to live another year, month, week or day without you in my arms.
I did way too much to you and I am scared that you would never forgive me, for everything I have done, if you knew what I did.
I know what you did, I just never brought it up to you. I saw the looks and the glances, I know the ones that you fucked on, just by the energy they had towards me. There is no need to be scared that I would never forgive you. Why wouldnāt I forgive you? Life here on this planet is too short for me to hold onto things that cause me pain. In the bigger picture this fails in comparison to the things that I have already gone through.
You donāt know this but I forgave you a long time ago. At that moment I forgave you not for your benefit but for mine, because I needed to finally heal the wound that always kept reopening.
I donāt deserve you, I donāt deserve anything good in my life because everything good I touch I destroy. I didnāt know how to love because love hurt me, and that is why I ultimately hurt you.
I wish that I could turn back the hands of time
To the moment when we first laid eyes on each other.
To the moment that I knew in my heart and my soul that you were the one.
Things were going well until my friends got in my ear and said you were changing me
I pulled back from you, and that is when everything started to fall apart.
I loved you but I knew who I was and what I was doing that I didnāt deserve you.
I did things on purpose that I knew would hurt you, to get you to leave but you always stayed, you never gave up on me. You loved me for me, with my flaws, my toxicity, my hurt, and my pain. And that scared me, how can anyone love me that way when my mom couldn't.
I let my ego and my friends pull me away from you and they told me that I needed to leave because you wouldn't. So I did and that is the biggest regret of my life.
Because you were everything that I had hoped and dreamed for.
I should have left but I couldn't. I love to the detriment of myself, which was a wound that I needed to heal within myself from my childhood. When I love someone and love something, nothing or no one can change my mind or could they ever make me second guess my heart. I loved you for you that was it. Flaws and brokenness, I saw the real you that you tried to hide, I know that you were cut deep as a child and that wound was still wide open when you met me. I saw your pain and I saw through to the little boy that you fight so fiercely to protect.
I always seen him and I will always see you.
Love doesn't have conditions, and even though it hurt like hell, you were the lesson I needed to see my worth. You were the catalyst that helped me find myself.
Without you I would have never known what true love was. I would have never had the courage to face my demons. I would have never had the courage to face myself. I would look in the mirror and I could never see myself, just a distorted version of the little boy that I used to be. I gave up on myself a long time ago and I forgot who I was. But then you came and you saved me from myself.
Maybe just maybe we were lovers in a past lifeā¦..