hunter felt his sudden rush of adrenaline– it always kicked in when things got too hard. jenny called it an over-responsive fight or flight mechanism; hunter called it weakness. it was what had led him to run away on all the good things in his life as soon as it got a little scary. it was why he never went on second dates, or follow up interviews, or scholarship applications. fear was meant to spur people on, but it just crippled hunter. the emotional equivalent of curling up on the floor, sobbing for decades, unable to breathe or speak or move. and nothing was scarier than the prospect of losing james. but this wasn’t the same: he couldn’t send an e-mail or text apologising and declining any further confrontation. he had to man-up for once. “i am stupid,” he nods, eyes burning as he forced them to stay on james. “or i acted stupidly, which is…– acting stupidly is..– it- it’s being stupid in itself and–” deep breath, gather your thoughts. stop spluttering. “hurting you was the s-stuh-stupidest thing i’ve ever done. i didn’t mean to. i, uh’… i know that’s redundant because i did, but i..– i didn’t realise it would and i’m sorry that i did.. no, uh’..– no, i mean i’m sorry i said anything in the..– in..– uh’…– i..” hunter could feel himself growing angry with his sloppy tongue and its complete lack of competency in the one thing it was meant to do. “AHH!” he yelled, the only thing he could get his mouth to do. “I’m sorry, it’s..– it’s not coming ou..– ou..– coming out right.”
he gathers himself. it’s not something he is used to, feeling this kind of raw emotion. he’s been hurt, of course, he’s been through pain and loss, but this severity is infrequent; it’s rare for james to ever feel at a loss. even when his mother went through her downward spiral of sorts, he only cried when he was alone. he only let himself cry when the house was quiet enough that even his muffled sobbing seemed too loud. he wills himself to calm down because he needs to be calm. as much as he loves hunter, he knows the other is probably at a greater loss than james is. and he doesn’t want the other to be eaten up by the guilt, but something stops him from just brushing it all off. hunter was so naive and trusting and though it never annoyed james, it did now. it irritated him, hurt him, ANGERED him that after everything they’d been through, a stranger’s words were as good as any -- as good as james’. and he would make sure to settle hunter’s nerves ( that much was certain ) but in that moment he turned to the selfish desire of wanting hunter to know exactly why it hurt so much. to know exactly the type of person he’d chosen to believe over james. “ ash called me a faggot! ash called me everything you can imagine, she would hit me when i tried to get her to stop the drugs and drinking, she made me feel, “ he paused, taking a dep breath. his words had been steadily coming out, voice louder than he’d originally intended, but now there was something caught in his throat. the male tried his best to swallow it down, to remain unphased, but his voice cracks as he continues. “ she made me feel disgusting. all because she loved me and i told her i didn’t feel that way with her. and she never apologized, okay! you know me! you know me, hunter! “ he’s glaring at the other, anger doing a half assed job of hiding the pain he’s been experiencing. “ so how could you ever fucking believe her word over mine? you didn’t even ask me. “
