blackbird

** --- hunter fallon ;; "just because you don't say much doesn't mean people don't notice you. it's actually the quiet ones who often draw the most attention. there's this constant whirlwind of motion and sound all around, and then there's the quiet...

[withinend]

he’s weak. he always has been when it came to hunter and that was due to the fact that he loved him. it hurt more than imaginable to be betrayed by the other because never in all his years would he ever have thought that his best friend ( his soulmate in some ways ) would do this to him; would pick someone else’s side rather than his. and without even asking for james’ side simply added insult to injury, as though he would ever be one capable of terminating a friendship due to unrequited feelings. ash has that part quite covered. tears begin to swell in his eyes at the sight of hunter’s fumbled attempt at an apology and he can tell how hard it is. how hard it is to find the words to ask forgiveness from the one person you thought you would never have to. he’d worked hard not to cry with the days hunter wasn’t in his life and that part came easily till nightfall. what proved more difficult, however, was simply trying not to feel like something was missing. no matter how many runs he did, how many showers he took, how many friends he was surrounded with, nothing would uncleanch the hold on his throat that continually suffocated him for over a week. he couldn’t talk to his mother because her concern would not comfort him and he failed to find someone to express his sadness because the one person that came to mind was hunter. “ you’re not stupid, “ he frowns, willing himself not to cry. 

[huntersfallon]

hunter felt his sudden rush of adrenaline-- it always kicked in when things got too hard. jenny called it an over-responsive fight or flight mechanism; hunter called it weakness. it was what had led him to run away on all the good things in his life as soon as it got a little scary. it was why he never went on second dates, or follow up interviews, or scholarship applications. fear was meant to spur people on, but it just crippled hunter. the emotional equivalent of curling up on the floor, sobbing for decades, unable to breathe or speak or move. and nothing was scarier than the prospect of losing james. but this wasn’t the same: he couldn’t send an e-mail or text apologising and declining any further confrontation. he had to man-up for once. “i am stupid,” he nods, eyes burning as he forced them to stay on james. “or i acted stupidly, which is...-- acting stupidly is..-- it- it’s being stupid in itself and--” deep breath, gather your thoughts. stop spluttering. “hurting you was the s-stuh-stupidest thing i’ve ever done. i didn’t mean to. i, uh’... i know that’s redundant because i did, but i..-- i didn’t realise it would and i’m sorry that i did.. no, uh’..-- no, i mean i’m sorry i said anything in the..-- in..-- uh’...-- i..” hunter could feel himself growing angry with his sloppy tongue and its complete lack of competency in the one thing it was meant to do. “AHH!” he yelled, the only thing he could get his mouth to do. “I’m sorry, it’s..-- it’s not coming ou..-- ou..-- coming out right.”

[everbleak]

being mad at hunter, of all people, was the last thing he ever expected to experience. of course there were times now and then where they argued, where they got into spats over the most ridicullous things, but never had it come close to this. it hadn’t even touched the point they were at, that james couldn’t remember exactly how many days had passed since the incident. things move weirdly and he finally understands what it is to be so distracted that everything else seems to be moving so fast around you without your notice. like life’s left you behind due to unresolved issues you’ve yet to attend to. but, in reality, it wasn’t so much he was angry as he was frustrated and hurt by hunter’s actions. to the point where he struggled to hold onto the bitterness while in the face of an awkwardly apologetic, greyhound of a man his brother was. he’d like to talk, would like to hear the other EXPLAIN just exactly what was going through his head at the time of accusation. but the sorry makes his throat close up. his gaze shifts away, hesitant demeanor displayed with little grace. “ —- you’re supposed to be my best friend. “ not ash’s.

[huntersfallon]

hunter felt sick. he made himself s i c k. james’ sullen eyes, his down-turned mouth, his hunched over shoulders. his poor james-- his poor wonderful james, and it was all hunter fault. he was meant to be the one to offer him a hot cocoa and urge him to talk about what was breaking him and he was meant to be the one who fixed it but he didn’t even know how. he could admit he was wrong, because they both knew he was, but that didn’t take it back. “i am.” his voice was barely a whisper; he didn’t even know if he was telling the truth. “well, i mean, you’re...-- you’re mine. i understand if i’m not...-- because of what i did...-- it’s, uh’...--- it would make sense if i’m not yours.” he finally spluttered. why was he stuttering around JAMES? he ducked his head, unable to look him in the eye. “i don’t know what i was thinking. i was stupid. you know...--- you know what i’m like. i’m just s-st- stupid.”

[everbleak]

the sight makes him IMMEDIATELY feel guilty, the male cursing his conscious and love for the other – he was supposed to be mad. and he was. but he also missed him greatly, more than he could miss any friend of his that could leave his life. because hunter was much more family than friend, and being in a fight with his brother made every day without apologies seem unfilled. but he had to hold onto some pride, had reason for his feelings of unjust alignments and betrayal. he swallows hard and takes a step back, wanting to still make it so that hunter wasn’t uncomfortable or distressed by close proximity. figures. ‘ …, ‘ he stares at him for a while, feeling sick to his stomach by the situation and only able to mumble what comes next. ‘ what do you want? ‘ 

[huntersfallon]

hunter couldn’t do anything but stare at james. there was his friend, his brother, his james and all he could do was stand and watch. it was so typical of hunter to be scared. scared of crowds, scared of talking, scared of strangers, scared of leaving the house, scared of saying something wrong... so scared that he would stand in silence. he felt the expectancy on him and, justified as it was, he felt crushed by it. he cleared his throat, clasping his hands in front of him to stop himself from fidgeting. ‘i... i didn’t know you would be here. i didn’t..-- i..-- but i think we need to talk, maybe? i know you probably don’t want to, uh,...-- it’s understandable, but we...-- i’m sorry.”

[huntersfallon]

everbleak:

featuring. ( huntersfallon )

IT WAS LIKE he was missing a part of him. every time he thought he was fine, he’d see something that reminded him of hunter or think ‘ hunter would find this funny ‘ or just find his thoughts trailing off to his best friend. ex best friend he muses. it makes him feel sick, but what the other had done left him deleting any drafted messages he had and avoiding dialing the boy’s number. and now he finds himself bumping into the other, a far cry from a surprise since they practically had their lives overlapping to the point of merging prior to the incident. he looks annoyed, eyebrows narrowed slightly and gaze failing to meet hunter’s. ‘ watch where you’re going. ‘ 

he knew he was in the wrong; he was gullible, and silly, and he had let a pretty face with an endearing laugh pull him away from the only person whom he knew would be there for him. a crush, a lingering feeling when she left, was nice enough, he couldn’t deny, but it wasn’t james. he drowned himself in hope, praying that he would find the courage to press send on his apology messages or make it the whole way to his house before turning around and heading home, but the fear was suffocating and hunter was sure james wouldn’t want to see him again. the spite in his words confirmed it for him. hunter could feel his heart pounding as he stumbled backwards, instinctively holding his arms up in a surrender. ‘i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i --sorry.” his throat swelled up as he tried to choke the words out. ‘i didn’t-- i thought -- ... hi.”