I don’t know what’s wrong with me exactly..abuse and my own neurosis mangled my spirit, when I’m doing fine I suddenly start biting my own tail, I’ve never had safety, I don’t know how to like talk to a person I care about, I haven’t learned how to consider others while maintaining boundaries, the first and last time I had a successful friendship was eleven years ago, I miss him. I’m a very powerful type of person who is also disabled, but I feel like the circumstances of my life made me an idiot, I feel like a repulsive disabled animal, especially in the eyes of people I love. I can’t seem to break out of the things that make me weak, I feel like I’m locked out of embodying myself, I feel like the only way I can grow is through solitude, but I need people and affection, I feel like I was made this thing that is meant to be worshiped and adored, which I was before I got hit with a really bad psychotic depression and became a hermit for ten years, but it’s like I’m not what I feel like I’m supposed to be, like it’s not reflected in the world around me, and I feel like a loser. I didn’t like to be objectified and raped constantly, but atleast I was more myself, atleast I was being seen as myself + was out in the world. I didn’t become a hermit by choice, it was forced on me by my disabled mother, I’m caged in a room in a house with a woman incapable of growth or learning or change, she doesn’t comprehend anything I say nor does she feel interested in it at all, she experiences no impetus outside of her own impulses, I’m like tormented every day by her neglect, and I just try to survive anyway, I’m trying to see if I can move to Vancouver or whatever, don’t even know what’s over there other than the possibility to get a caregiver, I just want to live and build a life and I wanted to be with girls who like me and learn to create bonds and connect, I only chose that place because it’s close to the other place where the girls are but doesn’t have the fascism laws that will kill me.
