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they call me the endurer the way i endure and endure and endure and endure and well u get it

they should invent a disproportionate emotional response that goes away when you understand it's disproportionate. they should invent a way to logic yourself out of emotions

if there is one thing i constantly grieve, it is the fact that i wasnt allowed to study abroad

#current topic of conversation is my brother's options for uni #theyre now debating malaysia #and my uncle is leading the convo since all 5 of my cousins studied abroad #and im like this close to sobbing #of all the things that affect me. this one topic takes the crown #i can never be normal abt studying abroad #golden ☆

came with the kids first to choose a place while the other adults are otw from the hotel, and this guy in the table in front of us is smoking and i lowkey wanna join 😔 gimme one pls 😔 im telepathically begging u 😔

#havent thought abt smoking for a while thanks to dad's disgusting vape #but this is like a proper cigarette and i am feeling sufficiently insane #i love how i keep thinking about this despite the mess that is my lungs lol #dunno if i'd rather die thanks to smoking or to killing myself hmm #golden ☆#mentally ill ☆

also since this is a "good day" im thankfully not going to kms over wearing a hijab 👍 rn otw to meeting my aunt at a coffeeshop

#altho honestly im preparing myself for a horrible horrible night depending on the conversation topics they'll bring up #if marriage is talked about for a millisecond im blowing something up #golden ☆#mentally ill ☆

the thing about my depression not allowing me to work is that my so-called "good days" are actually just me dissociating and acting on autopilot,,,,,, i cannot be responsible while like that, and a job is nothing more than a responsibility

#not in the sense that im acting reckless and irresponsible on purpose #but that im lowkey unaware of shit and forgetful #im forgetful and clueless even when im not dissociating ngl i dont know anything always #i'd have to be extremely micromanaged if i ever do work i think #anyways currently experiencing a “good day” except i just had like. ten minutes of awareness #so i had to write this down #golden ☆#mentally ill ☆#therapy notes ☆

it seems that my aunt has a sense for whenever we're cooking beans and thats when she decides to drop by

#i thought we were done with this bullshit 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#hopefully they refuse dad's offer to come here and we all go out for coffee and desserts somewhere #not that it matters since we're already cleaning just in case #but like. teeny tiny bit less stress #anyways.#the other night i panicked so hard then promptly dissociated the moment i woke up after #and im now in a state of “eh whatever im gonna die in the end”#which is like. a half step behind my regular suicidal state but this time less panic about it so its okay #golden ☆

honestly i dont know what im doing re: rainbow railroad,,,,,,,,,, but also i dont know what else i can do and i can at least say i tried by doing this? but also i feel like my case is undeserving of help compared to other people and its not like i have much of hope about anything i can do even if i do get help so like. i do worry that im pulling away resources from other people in need? even tho technically i didnt even get anything at all but i do feel ashamed of even asking for help aha

#also feel like im not allowed to say this but i do feel quite disabled #in the sense that i feel unable to do things by myself?#i cant describe how much i hate myself for not wanting to work/feeling like i Cannot work i feel like such a disgusting leech #im trying to hard to be kinder to myself and thinking that i do have depression and suicidal ideation and that like those are pretty seriou #but i just. dont know what to do #im so lost and confused and tired and helpless all the time #and i hate hate hate myself for that as if i can do anything to change it #i cant even fucking apply for a job or write a cv because i dont even fucking have a degree technically #i dont even fucking know my grades for senior year #and like. i know i just finished uni like. last month and these things take time and i should be patient #but im soooo so tired and i just want out #golden ☆#mentally ill ☆

just watched a tiktok (https://vt.tiktok.com/ZS4GCShFT/) that didnt exactly say anything i wasnt already aware of, but did kind of slap me in the face a bit like "if you already know this then why are you not doing anything about it????" and since im not in a suicidal state right now, i figured i'd think about stuff seriously and like. plan shit out? figure out what to do and how to do it and when to do it? its not at all something i can do whenever i think that my life isnt worth living, but i currently have a bit of hope ignited so im starting by pulling up the rainbow railroad site and look up if my application got through and if theres something i need to change abt it

i also probably need to make an actual list of things to do/pay attention to, but im also thinking (catastrophizing a bit) abt how i dont actually have my degree in the first place and that i dont know if im the one who's gonna get it when im back in baghdad or if mum appointed (or planned to appoint) her lawyer to do it since he's also dealing with my sister's transfer to qatar, so thats something i need to ask her right now

#also ik i said i was already catastrophizing a bit but im actually trying really hard not to #considering everything about my mental health and all my thoughts about working #im trying to breathe deeply here and write shit down to calm down #(its not fully working)#golden ☆#therapy notes ☆

teaboot

Too bad the prophet Cassandra never met Odysseus

teaboot

They say if she made a prophecy Nobody would believe her

edgar-allan-possum

I’ve gotta say, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing that probably would circumvent a curse.

elidyce

Cassandra: YOU ARE ALL GOING TO REGRET THIS SO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

Odysseus: Regret it why?

Cassandra: You won’t believe me if I tell you. If I prophecy, nobody believes me. That is my curse.

Odysseus: … I’m Nobody. Fill me in.

*A couple of months later*

Odysseus: HELLO PENELOPE, I AM HERE PRECISELY ON TIME AND NOT YEARS LATE incidentally I rescued and adopted a Trojan seer while I was away, she’s great, got me home really fast, Cassandra this is your new mother who’s not going to treat you like shit.

Penelope: … I’m going to need more details, but okay, sure.

Cassandra: *in tears* I love you, new family.

cipheramnesia

Cassandra: Penelope, I’ve had another vision.

Penelope, sighs: Go tell your father.

val-the-bun

sankta-wraith

the original? on my dash?

#tumblr ☆

sent my sim on another date and it went well but they didnt become girlfriends immediately except two days later they met up with friends and my sim flirted with someone else and the date got So Jealous so now theyre officially dating yay

#hope this one lasts #unless 👀#i do lowkey have two backup plans that i think are interesting #her best friend and her employee #but we'll shelve those and hope the girlfriend becomes a wife #golden ☆

druidquest

words of affirmation for those seeking a werewolf girlfriend

the situation with harry potter is kind of unprecedented in some ways imo because it is maybe the largest media franchise in history to be created & owned by a single person who still has direct creative control over it. who is also a billionaire with significant cultural/political influence. like the usual "no ethical consumption under capitalism" type excuses shatter on impact when the bigoted author in question is logging onto twitter every day saying explicitly that when you buy the tim hortons ravenclaw donut she is using your donut money to fund the genocide of trans people. like with big franchises usually there's at least a little more diffusion of responsibility than this

#☆

doublism

headphones are not enough i need to roll up the song and smoke it

oh also! despite our trip being mostly a bust since most of the museum is closed for maintenance, here's some pics of what we could visit :)

#im not really interested in natural history stuff (would much rather visit a planetarium) but these figures and arrowheads were nice-looking #also we went so close to closing time and it was pretty busy since everyone was packed in like three rooms so i didnt get to read anything #so like. it was a pretty useless trip all-around ┐(-。-;)┌#but arrowheads pretty!#and wild kitties cute!#golden ☆

ohhhh dad just the most disgusting thing ever i do not want to associate with him ever again

#my sister was telling a story abt how she happened to get patients that catcalled and sexualised her teacher last year #and dad was like “oh but thats okay shes a woman so she loved it”#my sisters and i went a bit crazy but he kept victim blaming the teacher #and even mum was like “yeah and it would never happen to Me bc i wouldnt give a man a chance to even catcall me” when we asked her opinion #im gonna blow this car UP #AND HES STILL SMOKING MY GOD CHOOSE A STRUGGLE #oh oh oh i am so disturbed and disgusted free me from this #golden ☆

love love love how when my siblings or mum tell dad that his vape stinks and to stop smoking and he goes "┐(-。-;)┌ what to do! gotta deal with it!"

#/s #i hate this man so fucking much #mind you he took a smoking break Already #but oh nooo poor lil meow meow cant drive without smoking how awful :((#lets all choke on the stink and end up with smelly clothes thats okay!#ugh he disgusts me #golden ☆

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