Occult Safety and Hazard Administration

It's our mission here at OSHA to prevent Arcane Accidents before they happen! With just a modicum of care, you too can turn your Sanctum Sanctorum into a Sanctum SAFE-torum! We're here to answer your every magical safety concern. Remember, "Ask before you Cast!"

[osha-official-the-sequel]

It is currently 1:29 AM as of writing this and I am feeling Cold and Unsafe. Not in an imminent danger kind of way but in an urge to incorrectly use kitchen machinery to make a sandwich. How do I avoid these urges

The cold is literal I hang off the bed slightly

[cthulhus-left-testicle]

Just follow through with them

[osha-official-the-sequel]

That's what I'm trying to avoid, Floor Rat

[wizard-osha-official]

Might I suggest the use of an Unseen Servant to carry out these unsafe practices? Elementals are often exempt from standard safety practices.

[osha-official-the-sequel]

let's say, hypothetically, OSHA gained access to a time machine. would you then be able to enforce modern standards in the past, before the creation of OSHA?

if not, would you be able to work in times where OSHA has existed, but with different policies?

Hm. If we got a time machine in the future, then we'd already see the affects today. Perhaps OSHA did covertly work in the past! It would be possible! But knowing that information is well above my pay grade.

[wizard-osha-official]

Hi there! We've got some experience in this area, and when it comes to time travel there is really only one rule: there are no rules! Time travel is inherently hard to prove, even for us Wizards, and basically boils down to two theories. Either the Cosmic Timeline is a single, unified string, or it exists in an infinitely-branching series of possibilities. In the first case, if you traveled back in time, no one would know you'd changed anything; whatever you did would just be The Way It's Always Been, and there'd be no way to empirically prove the difference. In the second case, whatever you did would just create another branch in the series, and your original branch would remain completely unaffected even if you managed to find it again.

Given the entirely uncertain nature of Time Travel, we here at the Occult Safety and Hazard Administration actually advise against it entirely. (We'd make it an official policy, but that just seems to encourage people) There's no way to guarantee that dabbling in Time Travel won't just erase you from the fabric of existence. But, should you manage to succeed, we CAN officially tell you that there are no official rules for Time Travel. Go bananas!

Safe Casting, everyone!

[official-fda]

In light of recent events in my life, I’d like to take a moment to inform you all that old potatoes pulled from the bottom of one’s backpack are not FDA compliant.

[wizard-osha-official]

They do, however, make for excellent spell components! Just make sure to utilize them before they fully take root in your bag.

[osha-official-the-sequel]

Mr osha, please help, my UTV-a1 is F̵̡̡̡̡̮̭̞̪͓͓̻̪̺͔̪̰̖̺̻͚̖̮̫̘̦̰̱̞̝̥̰̗͇̠͉̱̭̦̹̝̃̏̒̀̅́̐͌͝â̴̧̢̨̡̢̧͍̪̩̯̤̪͙̗̗̘͓̭͇͓͚̘͙̘̘͍̤̯͈̼̣͙͇̣͍̺̮͈͇͍̲̪̝̠̝̭͎̱̂̒̿͗̆̂͌̊́͜͜͝͠l̷͉̺̠̦̳͙̓͋͑̈́̑̿̑͜l̸̛̺̤̟̟̆͊̐̄͂͒̿͗̎̋̋́̆͒̀̿̌̂́̑̌̄́͌̀̔̇̆͒͊̑̕͘͜͝ì̶̡̨̧̡̬͇̪̘̠͙̗̰̞̼͎̥̪̥̰͙̰̝̫̞̤̫͓̳͚̣̤͉̮̿̅̓͑̀̽̓̽̍̊͋̌͛̇͐̿̊́̃̚̚̚͘͝͝n̴̨̧̨̢̨̨̧̛̟͕̗̻̹͔͔͖̦͕͎̳̭̲͖̥̺̤̣̯͓̲͎̖̮͓̬̯̘̼̭̔̎̿̍͂̒̍͊͊́͐͊͐̑̌̔̈́̀̅͐͐̀̅͐̿̔̎̅̊̅́́̒͘̕̚͘͘̕̕͝ͅͅͅg̶̨̧̢̧̢̢̲̻̰͇͓̲̦͉̤̜̳̯̜̪̤̪͔̖͙̣̰̞̪̣̹̤̳̬̤̪̪̻̗̻̭͑́̊͊̀̈́̎̅̈́͋̽̄̈̊̑̓̾̈͗̎̐̉͑͂͐̈̾̈͘͜͝͝͠ͅ apart. I don’t wanna be stuck in T̴̙͔̪̻͉̼̦̥̟͉̻͙͈̀̏̇͐͋̓̾̋̿̽̐͑̈́̐͘̕ͅẖ̶̖̀́͑̒̉͛̚̚̚̕͝i̷̢̢̛̛͚͓̱̯̥̯͕̙̦̟͉̤̝͎̼̐̌̐̿̊́̈̀̃̇̍̾̋͌͊̇͒̕̕ͅş̷̡̳̠̝̯̬͉͖̪̠̲͈͚̱̥̟̆͋͐̿̽̒̓̌̓͂́̀͒͒͐̓͋͋̿̍̍́͑̈́͝͝͝͝ ̷̧̺͇̭̙͔̫̰͕̝͙͔͍̙̭̹̓̓͛͊͂̓̂͌̔̄̒̄̐̏̆̄͒̑̈́̀̈́̎̃͘͘͝ͅḩ̶̛͙̲͍̼̬̹̥̤̠͓̜̹͙̝̬̼̭̪̪̖͍̃͋̈́̾͑̍͘e̷̡̢̖͉̖̣̠̞̗̹̫̘͚̙̅̅͌̐͒̓̈̈̎̀̊̑̈́͑̾̅̕ḷ̶̨̧̙̲̥̭͙̥̱̜̙͉̼͚̖̯͚̗͍̼̩̫͚̎̂̈́̈̂̊͋͝lscape of a universe anymore. I need a cosmic rotator and a Ĝ̶̢͎̰̺͙̞̺͎͔̬̮͖̠̺̯̀͐̆͐̄̿̆̂̚͜ą̷̨̠̬̺̘̟̜̤̭͉͙͆̀̚͝s̷͚͍͎̩̯͙̣͎͗͛̕͜ ̸̢̛̠̮͍̯̥͑̀̃͋̉̽̆̓̍̎̂̕͘͜͝powered motor to repair Ȋ̷̝̝̭̳̘̯̖̱͉͓͕̘͓͈̥̳͉̜̖͙͊̔̔̓̀͊̈̀̕ͅṯ̸̜̠̗̖̦̹̜̯̲̪̋̋̇͜.̷̧̟͖̍̓́̌̊̕ ̴̢̛̛̩̰̖̮̩̩͍̭̪̦͇̝͊̈̉͛̂̀͊̂̌̆̿̚͝P̵̧̤͍̻̙̥̳̲̳͍̯̞͌̽͊͌̀̌̈́̽̔̅̒͌̑̕ľ̷̘̟͈̮͎̎̋̽̏̏̀̓̂̋̋̃̈́̈́̚͝ȩ̴̙͔̖͖̠̻̖͓̯̀̑̃̀͒̓͆͋̈́̀́̕ą̷̨͔͕̰̖͓̹̳̪̙͉̹̭̹̼̫̰̩̈̌ͅṡ̴͔͈̤̻͉̇̉̎̎̅e̸̙̙̻̬̪̜͉̝̗̩̫͙̭͑̽̆͂͝ͅ,̴̱̺͖̤̟̳̥̄̈́̃͋̂̏̈͜ ̴̨̡̢̡̘̣̭̖̺̜̳͈̝͚̖͑̌̑̾̋̿͆̒̀̇͜͜͝Ì̵̡̨̝̣̱̮͛̊̎͊̈́̓̒̾̓̂̌͂͘̚̚’̵̢̙͍̹̫̮̜͇͚͍̙͎͙̹̘̩͍̮̊̅͑̅̿͂̕m̴͖͍̘̀̐̊̆͆͝ͅͅ ̶̞͓̪̞̥̲̩̙̯͚̗̯̣̗͖̘̫̭̿̓͋̋̓̅͌͗͗̓ç̴͍̉̓́̅̽̈́̈͌̌̋̄̏̿̄̏̓̚͘̚̚͠o̵̼̻̪̱͔̗̪̺̘̲̠̤͍͔͎͆͌̆̌̍͆̉͜͜͜ư̵̢̧̮̩̦͖͔̥̥̱̤̰͍̖̱͂͂̋͑̆̍͂̔̈́͛̒̅͗̕̕͜͝ͅͅͅn̶̨̦̬̖̓̊̇̃̅̔́̄̉̂̃͌͐̽̚t̷̡͇͉̻̘̩̩̤̝̜͓̀̊̍̑͒̓̽̊̊̎̏̈͗̉̈́̒̀͗͘͝8̶̗̘͉̗͖̰͔̬̬̥̻̖̑͒̑͂̇̐̐͐͂̈́͋͆̾̈́͐̈́̾͘̕̚͝n̷̡̛̾͋̒̀̉͒̃̓̃̐̃͂͘̚͠g̵̹̰̜̊̎͊͗͐̈́̓͋̓̃͝ ̶̺̄̏̐̀͊̏͌̒̕͠͠ơ̵̟̗͎͍͍͚̜̄̍͛͆̋́̌̇̃̈́̊́͘̚͘n̸̨̡̛̛̘̣͓̬̭͎͍̟̼͉̞̫̤͔͌̂̾̈́͛̆̀͜͜͜͠͝ ̶̛̞͚̯͚̓̒̈̊̀̐̅̃̔̌̌̕͠y̴̬̱͍͖̞͔̩̍̌̇́̈́̀̎̄ǫ̶̡̡̖̘̥̭̗̾̓̒͜ͅu̸͚̎͒̋̆̓̈̑̀̀̽̈́̌͝͝,̸͙̳͚̞̣͙̯̝͍̘̙̘̘͍͂ ̴̛͍̮͔̘͇̝̩͖̹͙͕̳̽̋͊̈͗̈́͑̆͊̐̓̈̾́̕̕̚̕͠͝t̸͕̼͓̟͙̮͌̾̐̈́͐̎̎̈́̏̂͝h̴̛̩̭̤͎̓̏̓̔͛̊̇́̒̀̄̍̾̓̾̔́̑͜͝͝ͅê̴͉̳̯̺̠͇̪͈͇̰̼̟̥̓̀̍̽͌̒̊͠ ̴̛͇͈̮͈͚̳͑́̇̍̓̿͑̊̾͆͗͂̄̀̍̓̚͠f̵̙͐̓̽̀̕̕͝*̴̨̗̯̘̰͍̲̠͇̯̽̅͊̑͑͆͐͋̿̂̇̄̀͊̈̆̾*̵̢̟̯̠͉̱̩̫̙̟̺͔̫̀͗́̉͋̿̔*̷̬͚̲̠̪̗̭͑̔͋̍̄̋̓̏͌̍̀̅́̀̊̆̅̌̕̚͘*̸̭̙̪͓̽̀̆̐͗̒̔̎̍͐̐̈́̀̚͘͝*̸͙̺̗͉͕̹̩̪͖̤̥̘̦͇̙̼͈̫̪̃̍̑͂̅̇̍̽̕͜*̸̛͙̱̬͔̖̹̦̲̯̝̘̤̯̬̝͒͆̃̎̈̀̀͊̃̔̉͛̅͘͘͝ͅ*̴̧͙̹̫͓̘̣̞̙͓́̇̌͌̃͋͜*̶̡̧̗̖̭͉̙̟̖͇̪͚̥̖͕̗̬̆̀̀̀͛̓͜͠͠*̴̣͈͒͊̐̃͒͆͝*̷̡̲̞͈̙̲̠̺̖̺̭̹̩̬͙̺̗̍̍̌̂̅͌͒͘͝ͅ*̸̢̢̘͓̝̥͈̫̟̹̜̲̂̇̔̂̉͒͊͒͋͛͐͘*̶̨̦͓͙͙͇̣̞̺̦̬̄̀̈́̃̀̿̕*̸̛̼͕̙̭̻̫̠̖͛͛̓̊̽̿̔͘̕͝*̶̧̛̤͕̞̫̤̥̤̼̜̯̭̥̂͛̋͆̚͘*̴̧̛̰͎̞̮̺͖̺̰̂̋͐̈́̐̒̆̒͒͛̅̿́̈́͒̉̕̕͝ͅ*̴̨̛͓̬͑́͐̌̉͐*̷̠̘͙͖́̑́̃̔̍̀̈́̒̆̀̔͒̈́͒͗̾̕͝͠͠*̷̨̧͉̙̖̈́̔͊͗͂̀́́̓͂͊̐̈͑̐̅̒̒͝͝*̸̤͚͈͈̭̩̻̪̳͓͚͕̩̮̋̐̔͌̌̀̀͛̾̊͊̈́̆̓̚̚͠ͅ*̵͍͉̝̟͓̞̇̈́̇̀̄̿̅̋͒̄̔̅̕͝͝*̶̢̢̤̯̭͎͇̣̓́͘*̴̨̢̘͓͈̥̹͓̙͚͎̰͔͔̗͙̖̘̳͉̈́͒̃̌͒*̷̨̛̫̠̰̘͕̎͒̍͠*̴̨̟̰̫̻̲̯̻̳̜̫̬͔͕̰͂͌͛͋̌̀̔̔͝*̷̛̛͉̹̥̖͖̹͖͔̘̍̉̈́̎̉͊̐̈́̔̏̄́̊̅*̸̨͈̦̬͔͚̬̙̮͉̖͖̩͍̣̼͜͠͠ͅͅ*̶̢̛͈͉̦͚̝͇͈̩̮͐̎̆̔̓͐̚͜͝*̷̡̛̟̩͇̤̰̞̉̊̒̓̅̈́̃̇͒̓͛͑̒͠*̸̡̰̆͌*̴̢͚̦͈̭̫̹̯̖̮̝͐̃̓͆͒̈́͒̒̂̃́̾̓̀̏͊̚*̸̧̛͉͚̖̠͕̘̪̫͕̞̦̀̃͆͐͛̏̑̍͊͆ͅͅ*̶̛̛͎̩̪̖̠̠̫̙̺̻̖̬͆́̑͒̔̓̔̒́̀̌̑̍̉̕*̸̖͕͎̺̝̘̭̑̈̽͐͒̒͒̉͒̈́̓̈́̅͛͐͛̅͗̏͠͝*̸͓͕̣̺͎̫̇̊͐̽̔̐̍́̐͒̉̒̌̑̿̋͂͜*̷̢̢̭̣̻̙̜̻͚̗̞̞̩̖̗̓̈͜͝*̶̡̛̯̜͉̯̟͉͕̲͇͓̜͎͍̋̈́͑͆͝͝*̸̞̬̜̙̤̪͚̱̼͙̦͇͎͙̈́̈́̎͗̒̓͐̈̂̾̾͊͆͒̄̎̽̽͘̚͜͝*̵̣̤͙̻̱͎̐̽͗̐̔͂̌̂͠͠͝ͅͅ*̷̧̲̗͕͉̩͉̯̣̪͖͈͖͚̝͇̮̙̏͐͌̓̇̿̄̏̄̉̽̏̈́̋͑̈̕͝*̸̥͉͎̰̘̣̥͇͒̒̌́̐̐̈́̽̉͌́͋͌͊̓̔͘͘͝*̴̛̖͓͇̜̼̟̥̭̻͚̣̭̦͙̰͉̗̱̼̑͛̑̋̈́̑̒̈́̃͊́͜͝ͅ

I cannot read this!!! Send universe corruption asks to wizard OSHA!!!

[wizard-osha-official]

Happy to help! It looks to me like the crushing weight of existence has caused you to open a dimensional rift, connecting you to one of our friendly neighbors in the Far Realms. They sure are mischievous little scamps! In fact, it looks like your new friend may have exerted its terrifying will on whatever you were working on, destroying your progress and rending your pathetic mortal efforts entirely fruitless. What a rascal!

We recommend that you refer to Section 17, Subsection 56a of the Tome of Compliance, which outlines all the relevant regulations regarding Anti-Magic Fields. A few weeks inside one of those should be enough to sever your connection with the Dark One, and allow time for the residual voices and unknowable knowledge to work their way out of your subconscious. Remember, though: a proper salt circle needs to have at least 30 particulates per square inch to be considered "unbroken."

Hope this helps!

[wizard-osha-official]

Occult Safety Tip #1: Where is your wand?

... No, really, where is it? Do you know where it is, specifically, right now? Remember, if it's not in your hand, anything could happen to it. Millions of wizards each year are injured or worse by the consequences of an unattended wand, and we here at the Occult Safety and Hazard Administration want to do everything in our power to lower that number.

In a proper ritualistic environment, this question should be on the tip of everyone's tongue at all times. Set alarms, set a schedule, check in with one another. Any moment not spent actively chanting or reciting dark curses should involve asking your fellow wizards this all-important question.

Stay safe out there!