Being someone who does not have many hobbies, idle hands can be somewhat dangerous. While finals are wrapping up, still waiting on the job that takes two weeks to check a background, and my year long girlfriend completely moving out of my apartment...my thoughts are in complete disarray.
While my finals are a breeze *this semester* and I suppose video games can possibly hold my attention long enough for my job to start, this sudden change of my day to day routine has completely fucked with sense of being. See, the older I get the more I realize how odd some of my habits or reactions might seem to be. In my mind, I have severe anxiety of change..but yet who doesn't? Right?
She was my everything, the reason I smiled, the reason for waking up, for wanting to just BE a better person in general...or used to be anyway. See even before we broke up there were murky waters filled with leeches ready to suck any form of love to death with the slightest tilt of the boat. And that's exactly what happened.
She needed somewhere to stay for the last two months of the semester since her lease ended, so I welcomed her in. She was so nervous, almost as if knowing it would be the end of us. We were both so hard headed we knew the thought of us co-existing together 24/7 would be a long stretch. I wanted to be so excited about the idea of living together, but doubt spreads like wildfire.
One can not blame another for the end of our relationship, but I guess you could say I gave up. The seed of jealousy had already been planted and another argument was always around the corner. It was simply not something I cared to be around, but at the same time...she was my Bella.
I have yet to figure out my own heart after all these years of trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that it wants. Because of that alone, shows me that I do not deserve anyone, let alone the type of girl she was, until I truly understand what it means to Love yourself. Love is something I have always viewed and one of the key meanings to life...and when it comes around I make it my life. I would give anything to truly understand what I've been missing all this time.
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