Some of you may know that I have borderline personality disorder and some of you don't. Anyways this means that I become way too dependent on people emotionally to the point where every tiny thing they do or don't do has a significant impact on my well being and mental health and I feel like I can't function without one person, the Favourite Person Attachment. Anyways my boyfriend left, we'd only been dating for a month. Hadn't even met yet, don't even know his last name but in the throws of my mental illness I was willing to die for him. I have a fear of abandonment and being alone. That relationship was stressing me out to the point where I relapsed into self harm, last year was completely clean of cutting myself. Everything was so happy and perfect in January after moving to a different area, so much so that I thought I was ready for a relationship but ofc I wasn't. Nothing is easy or simple or ever fixed when you live with this illness. To give you more perspective I'll share the story of what happened on Wednesday night.
I was having an episode because I don't feel okay in this body. It's not me. It makes me want to absolutely ruin myself. This whole situation with getting hormones is extremely stressful and then I was gonna call my boyfriend as his voice calms me down but he fell asleep. He didn't do anything bad but I was splitting and hating him and I hurt myself and the adrenaline distracted me for five minutes and I felt alive again like why tf did I ever quit self harm it felt good but then I was in hysterical crying I couldn't breathe and I am now convinced bpd will kill me so I hurt myself more. I sent him a tone of abuse saying how I hated him, how the relationship was killing me, how I'm not going to survive BPD. How I'm going to be a statistic. How this is absolutely fucking killing me, my dependency on him.
I deleted all of these messages before he could read them but he just blocked me on Thursday afternoon, didn't say a word. Just up and left. Gone. I don't know why. I don't know if he saw those messaged somehow? But how? Why did he leave? Did he see the fifty deleted messages notifications and just left to punish me? Is he coming back? I'm obsessing over it. This isn't healthy. I feel completely alone. I need a relationship and someone to depend on. My inner child is broken and my father wound is gaping. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not alone, that I have friends that do care and the BPD support group that I go to every week.
It's not enough. I need more support right now and I don't know where to go or who to turn to when I'm lonely and hurting and need to have someone call me so I can listen to them talk. My friends that I have aren't always available so I'm looking to expand my social network as I find hearing a voice on the phone is oddly very comforting. This is why I'm posting here because I need some extra love right now.
