the first time I saw you I could only think to myself
it's actually happening, I'm meeting her. and wow, she's short.
after an hour I was still shocked. it's actually happening, i'm meeting her. but new thoughts appeared. her eyes. she's a whole new beauty in person. god she's funny.
i watched you change in front of me. you joked, saying i had seen you naked a hundred times before, whats one more. maybe you knew that no scar or blemish could make me leave you. you got into bed after that and placed yourself right next to me. you fit perfectly.
we watched one of my favorite shows that night. I shouldn't say we. you did. I watched you, because in that moment, in the little time I knew I probably had with you, i knew it would be a waste to look at anything but you.
i didn't sleep that night. not because the bed was uncomfortable or because you snored or anything i had ever experienced before those moments with you. instead, i was plagued by the thought of waking you from your sleep. it frightened me. you looked so at peace the thought of destroying that was worse than anything my mind could imagine. i wonder how no one before me had thought that.
you left for work the next morning, and all I could think about was your return. what would I think about next. i could hardly wait to see you. i made your bed, in the meantime. and i wrote about you. you always said you loved my writing.
i heard that front door open and my heart leapt from my chest. i realized that you were back, truly. that I'd get to lay my eyes on you again.
the second you walked through that door everything changed.
maybe it was in my mind, but the excitement that was brimming through my eyes was shining through yours like spotlights made from sapphires. I had loved your eyes for years, but in that moment, nothing could ever replace them. I had thought that I wanted nothing more than pretty cars and a daughter in life but that split second changed everything, there was one more thing i knew i needed. i would have traded every possession i had, if just to feel your eyes on my soul for another moment.
i've spent time trying to think of how I would describe it. normally, your eyes remind me of waves of a cold ocean, crashing against cliffs of dark stone. the white crests of the waves along the sea and the clash of everything was serene and frightening in a way a lover could understand. and i think that's what they are like.
but there is nothing that could ever describe them in that moment. i think seeing your eyes in that moment will feel the same as seeing my newborn child for the first time. i wish i could tell you, could explain it to you. so that you knew why i was different after that. i hugged you and you went to shower, my mind not in the same room as it had been ten minutes before.
you took me to some of your favorite places after that. we went to goodwill and you pulled a pair of corduroy pants off the rack, "i think these would look nice on you." you said it so nonchalantly, as if you didn't think those words could mean anything to me. i bought those pants without ever looking at the size.
we went to a bookstore next. i was reminded of the authors you had recommended to me when i asked months prior. osamu dazai and fyodor dostoevsky. i told myself i get a library card when i returned home, if just to find a trace of you there. you told me you hated me at least four times in that bookstore. we laughed every time.
you asked me what i wanted to eat, i told you i wasn't sure. you looked at me with those eyes and we decided on your favorite food truck, hibachi. i made a fool of myself eating soup that was too hot. you looked at me and told me it didn't taste good anyway.
we got back to your place and you colored while i laid next to you. there was something about it, the innocence. someone who had seen me nude, someone who had seen my worst moments, my saddest days. you gave up on that drawing and fell asleep next to me again. i fell asleep faster that night.
in the morning you had to go to work early. you were about to leave and i wasn't sure what to do. you moved for the door and i told you that when you came home, i might not be there. we both knew i had a long drive. we hugged and i placed a kiss on your forehead. you left without a second word and i knew.
i left a few hours later, after making your bed of course. leaving was hard. i smiled the whole way home, state borders i had crossed just a day prior welcomed me back. you texted me when you got off work, thanking me for hanging out with you. i didn't know how to tell you i would have hung out with you for the rest of my life.
its been a week since then and we talk less. i don't know if its one of your episodes or if i am paying the cost of what happened. i've finished a book by dazai. it was odd, finding you on every page. not at all how i thought it would be though. i've been practicing my cursive, so that i may write letters to you. i think you might like that, maybe. maybe it would be enough for you to come back.
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